Will he ever find himself?

[idonthalfpickum]

My partner of several years has gone on his annual pilgrimage to "find himself". He tells me he needs this few days (see two weeks) to be able to cope with the world. This is usually fine by me. However, this year:

1. It was not discussed with me. The first I heard of it was when he was talking over plans with his friend
2. We have a 6 month old. Its been a struggle as he works away a lot and basically I'm looking after them on my own most of the time.

When confronted with the fact that I'm not happy about this and he has been selfish/thoughtless, he informed me that I'm the one being unreasonable. So AIBU?

@VapeVamp12 It seems he has found himself to be very likable and truly wonderful.

Counselling with a narcissist / frankly abusive individual isn't a great idea. If he's always been like this, no counsellor is going to give him his lightbulb moment.

Think about whether you want him home during the period of "reflection".

I've told him that he really needs to reflect on his behaviour

This sounds really wet, OP.

Interestingly in all the life changing events in the past few years I have not "lost myself". A few hormonal dark moments after DD's birth but other than that...nope. Losing both my parents when they were so young is a complete eye opener to life and your inner self.

@HollowTalk and I should have said?

@BlingLoving The list just about sums it up. He was great in bed but now I really don't want him anywhere near me. Several times he has alluded to the fact he wants sex. He can quite clearly see that I'm tired and has said at one point "you are overdoing it".

I'm so upset on your behalf that he has hinted that HE wants sex, and has only said that you're overdoing things because it's impacting on what HE wants, and is therefore a problem. :(

Honestly make yourself a list of pro's and con's about staying with him, as it seems that you would be SO much better off being alone and having him take his daughter for set days/ times. :(

If the list is as one sided as we're thinking it will be, just tell him plainly and simply that it is over, and he can collect his belongings, which are all packed up, upon his return from work and can go and stay with his ''close'' family.

But i'm so dreadfully sad for you, and hope you find yourself and your DD much happier and more content in the very near future. x

I would have said, "You are incredibly selfish. Unless I see an immediate and permanent change then you will have to leave."

*Today 16:04 HollowTalk

I would have said, "You are incredibly selfish. Unless I see an immediate and permanent change then you will have to leave."*

^This 100%

OP people only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated.

Good luck.

@HollowTalk Already said that. I was trying to see if the touchy feely approach worked (and there was a touch of sarcasm in there).

@Mollymoo01 sounds a touch victim blamey to me.

@Mollymoo01 As said I am not standing for it any more. There is more than just me to consider now. I deserve better, yes, but above that DD deserves much better.

If he's away for a few more days yet I would be v tempted to pack the stuff he didn't need whilst 'finding himself' and force him to elongate his vacation

OP I too cared for my DM right up until the moment she died, so I have some idea of what you've been through. That stuff changes you. And having a baby forces you to revisit it all in a different way.

I am currently having counselling (just me) to boost my own sense of self worth, as I have a husband that seems to think his career is more valuable than anything else. I am you a bit further along the line.

I wish I'd spoken up sooner. I wish I had put it all on the line.

@jamoncrumpet Sorry to hear about your mum . To lose your mum and then become a mum puts everything into perspective. I have a strong sense of self worth these days hence I'm not prepared to put up with anyone's bullshit. I only posted on here to ensure I wasn't absolutely mental in thinking as I do. If I'm wrong then I'm the first to hold my hands up but in this instance I don't think I am. The only fault is that I expected more (or something) from someone I assumed loved us.

I honestly think you should have a holiday too, a lifelong one away from him. Don’t bother with counselling with him, use the time, energy and money to exit him from your life.

On a practical note, does he contribute towards the house in any way? Money, practical stuff? How long has he lived there?

@Rainbowshine He contributes to less than he should. Lived here a few years now.

Maybe get your ducks in a row and get some legal advice about the house. Then kick him out. Change the locks.

Finding himself, good grief.

I really don't think he listens to me. The conversation I had with him this morning I basically told him that I was extremely pissed off and to "find himself". So not only does he send me humping tortoises (I'm still WTF over that) but now links to houses. We were considering moving at one point and he still thinks I want to move with him? How much more blatant do I need to be?

He just expects you to accommodate him...

Probs because your female...

I'd give him a map and a compass and all his belongings in a suitcase.

I’m sorry about your losses and your current situation but your whole ‘you need to reflect on your behaviour’ response to him is weak as fuck. He’s probably rubbing his hands knowing he’s gotten away with it again and planning next years trip.

This is a shape up or ship out situation, not whishy washy shit about feelings.

I’m getting she’s going to give in and try for baby number 2 vibes.

Are you sure he doesnt have another family ?

Where the fuck does he go????

He's a manchild. There are a lot of them around.