Will he ever find himself?

[idonthalfpickum]

My partner of several years has gone on his annual pilgrimage to "find himself". He tells me he needs this few days (see two weeks) to be able to cope with the world. This is usually fine by me. However, this year:

1. It was not discussed with me. The first I heard of it was when he was talking over plans with his friend
2. We have a 6 month old. Its been a struggle as he works away a lot and basically I'm looking after them on my own most of the time.

When confronted with the fact that I'm not happy about this and he has been selfish/thoughtless, he informed me that I'm the one being unreasonable. So AIBU?

Have you posted before about him? He sounds very selfish! Yes we all need our own time, but more like a night or two here and there not two weeks checking out of family life! How would he feel if you went for two weeks leaving him to run the show in his absence?

He spends a lot of his annual leave visiting his closest family which doesn't leave much left.

YOU are his closest family.

He needs to "find himself" as a bloody father and stop pissing about. If you split up you'd need to leave DC alone with him so no harm trying it now - go away for a long weekend to start with if you'd feel more comfortable with that.

And as for "not needing to show love", what a complete wankmonger. Yes I made that up but it seems appropriate.

Guys can just assume that they get to go on with their life as before. So yes, he's being crap but no different to a lot of guys - you need to talk with him about how his priorities have to change too, not just yours. And that's not being demanding or unreasonable or unfair - as a man he's been brought up to expect to have things his way even after becoming a father and as a society we all need to get better at challenging that narrative

@idonthalfpickum I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. That really does make him even more selfish. Of course you deserve a break and a bit of pampering!! You shouldn't have to beg for his time, you're his closest family and it should be automatic.

@ThirstyGhost man-child gap year

If you end the relationship he can still be a good father but you won’t have to put up with him being a terrible partner.

My first husband was a similarly selfish type of man who took himself off on his own. Getting divorced many years ago was one of the best decisions I have ever made. It meant I got a proper break when he had the DC on his weekends.

I still remember my dp, on hearing that a friend was going to find himself, commenting “What’s he looking for, a big field with a git in the middle of it?”

Wow

I think this would be weird enough if you were both single (as shouldn't the person you want to spend most of your holiday with be the person that you're meant to love thr most?)

But when you've got a baby, you're meant to share parenting. 50 50 (jobs permitting). So if you have a holiday, you're doing nothing while youre partner does double. 100pc. And for two whole weeks! Whens he going to address this imbalance? I cant believe he didnt even discuss something with you that impacts you so much. This means to be that either he doesnt do his share anyway so knows that if hes not there it doesnt make a difference (hence you cant take equivalent time off because he cant do 100pc ever) or he doesnt actually give a shit about you taking on his share or his daughter missing him, or him missing out on spending rare quality time with her

Either way, its shit OP, and I'm sorry. Do you think he is capable of changing at all?

The fact he has suggested counselling suggests he does want it to work.....but is absolutely 100pc convinced he is in the right and is expecting the counsellor to agree with you needing to change to accommodate his 'needs'!

BertrandRussell Fri 20-Sep-19 11:45:23
I still remember my dp, on hearing that a friend was going to find himself, commenting “What’s he looking for, a big field with a git in the middle of it?”

Hahahahaha that is just brilliant. That sums it up. lol.

When he gets back I’d be saying, ‘good, now you’ve found yourself, you can go and find whoever yourself is somewhere else to live as well. here’s your stuff.’

And as for talking to him about what his priorities should be now he’s a father, well he’s a fucking adult, he should have noticed that by now.

And he doesn’t see the need to show you that he loves you because he does, alright? Well, all the above. Fuck him off, he’s a selfish manchild. He can enjoy looking after his child by himself EOW and pay you maintenance while he’s at it. The maintenance will put a nice big hole in his journies of self discovery fund. Pathetic self absorbed twat.

@idonthalfpickum I was reading thinking your partner was a selfish immature dick then I read this:

In the past three years my dog and both my parents died and I've given birth.

And I don't think selfish even begins to cut it! After everything you've been through, did he not think for one second how helpful you might find a couple of weeks away? Where has he shown any consideration for you and all you've had to go through the past three years? I'm so sorry he's just a selfish, uncaring prick. Quite frankly, you and your baby deserve so much better.

Whats wrong with these fucking people? And he didn't even bother to tell you?
The more I read this stuff the more I wonder what happened to men like my grandfather who fought in both world wars and always put his family first and himself last.
This man child would come home to find the locks changed if that was me. But then that's probably why I've been divorced twice, I am not prepared to put up with this shit.

If he wanted to have all this time to himself he shouldn’t have had a child. He has done so and must be equally as responsible which doesn’t mean disappearing for two weeks!

I’m sick to death of reading about shitty men being shitty partners and shitty dads.
What’s wrong with them!? It’s infuriating.

I’d get rid, you’re doing a wonderful job all on your own anyway and he’s adding nothing.

Change the locks on your house while he's away. Send him a message by text, or even Twitter, and tell him he's no longer your DP. Time for him to fuck off and learn his to find himself on his own time.

Doesn't sound like you'll miss him. In fact, like my friend currently divorcing her arsehole DH, you might find life much less stressful and more predictable without him.

“’m sick to death of reading about shitty men being shitty partners and shitty dads.
What’s wrong with them!? It’s infuriating.”

A-bloody-men to this!!!!

Tell him he can use his new ‘finding skills’ to find himself a new home. What a wanker.

Wow. So here's my list of reasons why he's a fuckwit:

1. He thinks leaving you literally "holding the baby" for two weeks while he's on a jolly is okay.
2. He doesn't feel the need to discuss the timing or planning for said jolly with you.
3. He doesn't "believe" in showing love and affection (aka doesn't give a flying fuck).
4. He is unwilling to give you any space or time off by offering to take the baby.
5. He's not contributing in any meaningful way financially. Nor is he contributing to other chores etc.
6. He prioritises his extended family over his partner and DD.
7. He's passive aggressive and uses contact with you while he's on his jolly as a way to punish and/or control you.
8. He's oblivious to the fact that you could do with a bit of support after ar really tough couple of years.

Mmmm, I'm struggling to see how this man adds to your life at all. I hope he's astonishingly good in bed?

The next time he trots out the ''I need to find myself'' crap, whip out a mirror and announce '' TA DA !! THERE YOU ARE!! FOUND YOU!!''

Bloody pompous asshole ! How DARE he say he needs his 2 weeks rest and you better just suck it up ! Who the hell does he think he is ??

I'd be telling him that he either takes over ALL your work for 2 weeks (to make things equal), so that you can ''find yourself'' first, i.e BEFORE he goes on his hols (and it MUST be BEFORE he has his, as you have NEVER had the chance to ''find yourself'', and so presumably you will have to ''find yourself'' first in order to be able to take over from him afterwards,( cos if you're still ''lost'' there will be nobody to watch your DC while HE'S away, will there ?? :)

He doesn't sound particularly bothered that you're upset and that your relationship is in such difficulty that it's at a counselling stage. He should be full of apologies and promising to change not justifying his shitty actions and trying to gaslight you. I have to say that counselling for me and DH following DD was really helpful as he wasnt pulling his weight and needed that highlighting, but if he's also so physically disconnected from you then is there really any point?

you deserve so much more OP, I hope you are very soon much happier without the slug.

The "don't need to show you i love you" thing stood out to me. As you clearly understand OP, love is something you do, not something you say. If he doesn't grasp that, I'd say there is no hope of him ever being anything other than irredeemably selfish. I would honestly leave him.

To quote Russell Howard "what if he finds himself and he's a dick head too?"

I wouldn't even entertain the thought of my DH going away on a holiday without the family. It would be finished

Wow! Thanks for all the replies. It seems I am not being unreasonable. Just back from a long walk and a baby sensory class. DD loved it as did I. She is a really social baby. Everyone comments on how placid she is. She has slept through the night since 8 weeks old and has just gone into her own room...only woke up once. I guess I can take all the credit for this then?

He is returning next week. I've told him that he really needs to reflect on his behaviour and I'm happy to attend counselling with him. He will no doubt put off a counselling session as yes, reallt he sees nothing whatsoever wrong with his actions. I had 6 months of counselling when my mum died. I cared for her at the end of her life and literally watched her last moments. Counselling was really helpful so I'm a fan.