Will he ever find himself?

[idonthalfpickum]

My partner of several years has gone on his annual pilgrimage to "find himself". He tells me he needs this few days (see two weeks) to be able to cope with the world. This is usually fine by me. However, this year:

1. It was not discussed with me. The first I heard of it was when he was talking over plans with his friend
2. We have a 6 month old. Its been a struggle as he works away a lot and basically I'm looking after them on my own most of the time.

When confronted with the fact that I'm not happy about this and he has been selfish/thoughtless, he informed me that I'm the one being unreasonable. So AIBU?

@Aquamarine1029
That tickled me

I've been up all night with DD who has yet another cold. Contact with partner included a conversation about hygiene. He doesn't think its necessary to wash your hands when you've been to the toilet. I do. Who is right?

Err what?

So 100'000s of health professionals are wrong and he's right kinda sums up his entire outlook on life by the sounds of things

Well, I've always figured it's not necessary for your own sake, you're not going to catch your own germs, but you do it out of consideration for others, who can.

From what you've said about your partner, I can see why he struggles with that concept.

@TheHeathenOfSuburbia Fine if you live on your own but when you live with a partner and baby then really its a necessity. He never washed his hands before preparing food until I pointed it out to him. Arguments ensued about how he believed it wasn't necessary. Guess who has more colds/illnesses out of the two of us?

He doesn't think its necessary to wash your hands when you've been to the toilet. I do. Who is right?

Ugh. He is revolting. In so many ways.

Is there any good reason for you to stay in this relationship?

OP, you probadly won't get him to admit he is wrong and tbf many people find this challenging. I do know how you feel re washing hands, it is one of my big things!

Does he ever reflect and change his opinion?

These pointless conversations are stopping you from moving forward. Every time you allow him headspace he does not deserve.

I'm saying this gently because you've been through a hell of a lot, but for someone who claims not be putting up with someone else's bullshit, you are doing exactly that.
This x 1000.
You have a full life op. Why would you put your time into going to counselling with him? Can you really believe there is a chance he listens because someone else says it? And if he does what does that say about how important you are anyway? He is obviously taking so much of your headspace. Every minute longer you are with him is a minute lost from the rest of your life.

He will reflect but then usually come back with the same opinion.

I can admit that following DD's birth I was a sleep deprived hormonal mess and at times was particularly grumpy. I apologised to him on the occasions when I bit his head off. Now we are 6 months down the line, I've been getting more sleep, hopefully the hormones have near enough settled and DD is absolutely awesome. I'm guilty of pointing out he isn't pulling his weight. He sees it as a character assassination.

Even here you are doing it. Engaging with posters who discuss the minutiae of his behaviour, his poor hygiene as an example. Not with those saying see the bigger picture and get out.

It is hard when you are mired in a situation like this. I know myself But you can take control of it and start getting on with your life.

He won’t change because he doesn’t want to.

Counselling would be a waste of time. There is nothing to save, you would just be flogging a dead horse.

You and your DD are worth so much more. If you stay with him you will just get more of the same ad infinitum. Or you could free yourself of all the hurt and stress enabling you and your daughter to live a peaceful life.

Personally, I would spend the next couple of days packing up his stuff and not let him back in after his holiday. I will wager that you would feel a huge weight lifting off you.

I agree with @FrogFairy pack his things up and just don't let him back in.
Get rid of toxic people from your life. After everything you have been through and he thinks he needs 2 weeks to find himself.
He will never change don't let your DD grow up with such a terrible excuse of a man in the house treating her mother like this. You both deserve more x

Just tell him that whilst he's been away finding 'himself', you've found yourself and actually you 'find' you don't need or want him at all. Leave a little note to that effect on his bagged up stuff outside the house.

If he isnt going to change, wtf is he doing trying to 'find himself'??

Just read the whole thread. OP, you sound intelligent, capable and fed up. Why on earth haven't you decided to leave this twat for good?

For fuck's sake, if you don't leave your partner's sake, OP, you're the one with a problem. It would be hard to have any sympathy for you if you are going to subject your child to having this unnecessary drama in your life. Just stop it.

Some women will just never leave their partners.I watched my father beat my mother and I still remember watching her sit and cry on the stairs and trying to break up fights when I was 4. But hey they stayed together for "us kids" despite my father's numerous affairs too. All of my siblings struggle with depression and trauma from watching our parents almost daily fights.

"you have no idea of the respect and love you deserve until you walk away from what you settled for"

I just hope in 5 years from now you won't be back at square one wishing you had done things differently.

It’s sad what some women will put up with just to keep a man in their bed.

Its sad that some people consider that life revolves around the bedroom and are oblivious to the wider picture.

Any updates op?
Did he find himself?
Or did you leave him?