Will he ever find himself?

[idonthalfpickum]

My partner of several years has gone on his annual pilgrimage to "find himself". He tells me he needs this few days (see two weeks) to be able to cope with the world. This is usually fine by me. However, this year:

1. It was not discussed with me. The first I heard of it was when he was talking over plans with his friend
2. We have a 6 month old. Its been a struggle as he works away a lot and basically I'm looking after them on my own most of the time.

When confronted with the fact that I'm not happy about this and he has been selfish/thoughtless, he informed me that I'm the one being unreasonable. So AIBU?

the more i read threads on this site, the more depressed and disillusioned i get about the behaviour of many of my gender.

i always knew there were some idiots and selfish fuckers - that's inevitable given we're talking about a population of millions.

i'd always assumed the majority were reasonable, considerate decent human beings.

but what blows my mind is the number of apparently normal males who think and behave like the OP's.

it's not just on here either - the number i'm becoming aware of in real life is also pretty depressing

@SellmeyourMLMcrap I will happily go to counselling as it would be good to have a mediator in the room who will stop him talking over me.

@Funghi Yes it is annual but last year he went on holiday with his mum instead (which I supported). I feel like I'm doing all the accommodating here.

Ah get rid. You're mentally 3/4 of the way there.

He's a total loser, and the reason he still needs to go looking for 'himself' is that there's precious little there to find.

Don't bother to try and make this pond life see your point of view. Save your energy for moving on and look forward to meeting someone who doesn't have their head firmly up their arse!

OP are you financially independent, do you rent or owe your home with your partner or just yourself? You need to be practical here, his actions are telling you everything, that you and your DC are an inconvenience to this man and not a priority. I think the best bet is to use this two weeks to sort yourself out, make solid plans for housing and providing for yourself and your DC and then action them, ideally before His Royal Highness comes home.

When that is done maybe have a good think about why you thought it would be a good idea to start a family with this man when he had shown you who he was for many years. Best of luck.

If you leave him he'll also have to look after his child some of the time and then you'll get a break! Win win it sounds like to me.

@DiscontinuedModelHusband I don't know whether its also a symptom of society these days as I'm finding more and more people, both male and female, to be self centred. That or motherhood has really opened my eyes.

@ChuckleBuckles Yes, financially independent, house is in my name, have a decent job, good support network. I've managed for the past 6 months so going forward shouldn't be a problem.

You reminded me of my granny, for which I thank you! He neighbour's child went off on a gap year to "find herself". My granny told me about it and said that in her opinion, the stupid child would get there and realise she'd left herself at home!

"Finding yourself" is very often pretentious wankery and really means someone wants their utter selfishness to be either tolerated or funded, but there is no actual valid reason for this to happen.

Is he still an 18/19 year old?

It's not okay as the father of a 6 month of child to abandon his family and disappear into the woods.

Why settle for less than you deserve?

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet TOTALLY agree with you on your description of "Finding yourself" = pretentious wankery.

However, the exception of this, I feel, is when someone has come out of a particularly challenging time of their life and needs a break/space to think about things and re-evaluate their life - that's what I understand about 'finding yourself'. The OP's DH does fit the pretentious wankery category, though.

What a selfish twat!! You could have had a lovely first family holiday together, and made some great memories, instead he has chosen to put himself before you and your child and now he's trying to gaslight you into submission. No bloody way!! What's going to happen when your child is old enough to understand why daddy gets a lovely two week holiday but they don't? I'd be using these two weeks to pack up his stuff and sort out the practicalities of splitting, so that you don't even need to let him in the door when he gets back. You and your child deserve better OP

@Pinkmonkeybird In the past three years my dog and both my parents died and I've given birth. Do I qualify for a "finding myself" holiday?

@PompeyBez I know. All other mum friends have been on holidays with their partners/baby. He has said we can go on holiday as a family but as he has taken so much leave already I suspect he will have to work during that time away.

What a monumental twat. Finding himself? He couldn’t find his arse with both hands.

I assume his holiday destination is the far side fuck so please tell him to fuck off some more and don’t bother coming back.

OP I am so sorry for all you have gone through and hope you will ditch this selfish arsehole.

I don’t know him OP. But I despise him.

Free yourself of this hideously selfish idiot.

Did you think he'd change when he became a father? Lots of women breed with selfish men hoping a baby will be a miraculous cure for manchild syndrome.

@FrogFairy Thanks. Its been a tough few years. I found out I was pregnant just after my dad died. Its not as if my partner isn't aware of my life circumstances. There are times I regret having DD but thats only because I perhaps chose the wrong partner/father. DD is awesome!

Well the good news is that you hold all the cards house wise,money wise etc.

What a grade A arsehole he is. I hope he gets fucking lost on the way home, for your sake

@MarianaMoatedGrange I had a child with him as I believed him to be kind, caring, considerate and loving. Traits he could pass onto our child. It really seems I was wrong

My feeling is that there has been a big shift in the expectations of women, we are no longer prepared to put up with men not pulling their weight, those who have power over others really give it up easily, this bad behaviour is men digging their heels in and trying to resist the cultural changes

I hope on his return from finding himself he finds:

the lock changed
His things on the lawn
A new place to stay

He sounds like a fucknugget.

Well, he won't mind if you arrange a "conscious uncoupling" Gwyneth Paltrow/Chris Martin style while he's off on his jolly travels then. Sounds like his kind of bag of wankery.

"Finding yourself" twats are always the ones who end up taking up cycling or iron man obsessively in middle age. They're just terrified of dying and can't accept their own insignificance. They're convinced they'll have "found themselves" if they could only turn into Chris Hoy. Why can't you understand how important this journey is little woman? I'd leave him to it. In fact encourage him to take a man-child gap year and sod off with someone else while he's away.

Fuck it op, I wouldn’t even bother trying. If the house is yours I’d be telling him I’d found myself while he was away and I decided that this self does not need dead weights in life. Ta ta !

This man was prepared to be kind considerate and loving as long as he could still think of himself as top dog but when it turns out that women expect to share power he goes up on the defensive and tries to spin things back in his favour.