Will he ever find himself?

[idonthalfpickum]

My partner of several years has gone on his annual pilgrimage to "find himself". He tells me he needs this few days (see two weeks) to be able to cope with the world. This is usually fine by me. However, this year:

1. It was not discussed with me. The first I heard of it was when he was talking over plans with his friend
2. We have a 6 month old. Its been a struggle as he works away a lot and basically I'm looking after them on my own most of the time.

When confronted with the fact that I'm not happy about this and he has been selfish/thoughtless, he informed me that I'm the one being unreasonable. So AIBU?

NCH

No cocklodger Here

Am I right you and your dp are a bit older? In which case you think he’d know better. He sounds like a selfish fuckwit. I’m shocked he thinks it’s reasonable to fuck off for two weeks on holiday and leave you carrying for your child alone. I suspect you only see him more clearly now you’ve had a child as the load of things to do and caring has increased. He sounds like a selfish, absorbed, sponger. Counselling won’t help. He clearly thinks he’s in the right and is making no effort to apologise for this huge shitty choice. He will never be wrong. I don’t often say LTB but in this case I would.

That's why I said make him leave. It's your house, your choice x

ETB
Evict the bastard!

FYSE - Find Yourself Somewhere Else!

@Alwaysgrey Yes quite right. I'm early 40s and he is a bit older. Yes he should know better but it seems he is regressing.

How about CIAO: Chuck (the) Irritating Arsehole Out?

I'm saying this gently because you've been through a hell of a lot, but for someone who claims not be putting up with someone else's bullshit, you are doing exactly that.
I don't know how much clearer he can make it that he sees no problem with his behaviour and has no intention of changing it. A counseling isn't going to give him a personality transplant!
If you hadn't fallen pregnant you would have dumped him long ago.
I'm sorry but there's no alternative where this works out and he turns into a useful human being. Get rid already!

He left his pregnant partner at her Father’s funeral to go back to work?

Game over.

OP, you sound lovely.

He sounds utterly repulsive.

How on earth have you allowed him to treat you both so poorly.

He's financially abusing ye both.

He is a shocking example of manhood for your DD to witness as she grows up.

Do not waste a minute of your time on counseling.

He has no regard for you. That is clear.

Don't waste this precious time with your DD dealing with this selfish prick.

Pack his bags and get him out.

I can assure you those headaches of yours will be gone.

Wishing you well.💐

I think by saying 'you're not coping' he's desperately trying to find a role in you and dd's future. He will continue to try to prove his 'worth' in all the areas that you are more than capable.

But you know you can do it on your own, and so does he, so he is running scared that this is it.

It should be it, because he won't change, you will be forever pandering to manchild finding yourself crap and I need time for me crap, so it would be a lot easier to bite the bullet now.

@onyourway Yes but when told that he needs to prove himself to me/DD as a capable father, partner, human being, he tells me he has nothing to prove.

He has always said one of my attractive qualities is my independence.

I appreciate that he says you are independent, which you are, but he needs to find a role which makes him important or valuable to you.

He saw you as independent someone that he could have a relationship with that needed no input from him.

The only place he'll find himself is a one room flat, on his own and miserable.
Where you will go from strength to strength if you lose the huge weight that's holding you back.
You certainly don't need him.

I think he could "find" somewhere else to live OP. what are you waiting for?

CIAO 😉😂

@RandomMess We can't win can we? Men don't want a needy partner. They also don't want an independent one.

@onyourway I don't need to assign him a role. He is a partner and a father. He has two there already.

Oh god OP, he really isn't a partner. And a father? No. Sorry but sperm donor, yes, but not a partner :(

Or a father :( fathers care for their children and the mother of their children

He's a useless prick. It is fine to be a single parent. It's much better, much more enjoyable, more more doable to be a single parent than to have a useless man in the house, making a pest of himself, contributing fuck all and making you miserable. Tell him that the relationship is over, and if he doesn't leave you will have the police remove him (you can do this as the house is in your name.)
Better now than later. DD is so little she won't notice that he isn't there, and when he disappears out of your lives (which selfish men like this usually do) you can come up with a pleasant, age-appropriate narrative about some people just not being very good at parenthood.

He’s not a boyfriend or a father. Ejaculating in a vagina does not make someone a father, he treats you with open contempt, you’re wasting your time pondering his drivel and motives and future, when it could be spent sleeping. Remove him from your property, Start the process of him paying the bare minimum for the child he made exist, and enjoy your life.

"How about CIAO: Chuck (the) Irritating Arsehole Out?"
Well - yes; and as soon as possible. In purely practical terms, I'd be packing his stuff up right now whilst he's not here and having it couriered round to his mother. Clear the decks. And more importantly - not allow him to headfuck you any more.

"I told him for this relationship to continue he needs to prove himself. He says he doesn't have to."
This is what I mean about not allowing him to headfuck you. All this talk of going to counselling - really, you know the end result already. He's not suddenly going to have an epiphany and realise he's an arsehole. He's not even going to have it slowly. HE SAYS HE DOESN'T HAVE TO - AND HE MEANS IT. As the saying goes, when somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time. Because it's not just wasting your time to get to the same end - it's more sleepless nights with this spinning in your head, more jumping up and down on the spot shouting "why can't you just see" through gritted teeth, more raised blood pressure and more damage to your self-confidence. More headfuck.

Do yourself a favour. Don't subject yourself to this any longer. You posted "It needs to end in the knowledge that I've done as much as I can and that both parties have had their say. If that means counselling then fine. If that doesn't work then it ends." Seriously, there is no more that you can do. You can't polish a turd and you can't change this man from the self-absorbed arsehole he truly is. Give yourself a break. Give it up. Give him up.

I hope you get a decent night's sleep tonight, and try to clear your head

Oh and BTW I think you will find I don't need to leave him as the house is mine and I'm financially independent so I think we need to find an alternative acronym.

Exactly. It's much easier to kick someone out, than it is to find somewhere else to live, plus the money to do so.