Will he ever find himself?

[idonthalfpickum]

My partner of several years has gone on his annual pilgrimage to "find himself". He tells me he needs this few days (see two weeks) to be able to cope with the world. This is usually fine by me. However, this year:

1. It was not discussed with me. The first I heard of it was when he was talking over plans with his friend
2. We have a 6 month old. Its been a struggle as he works away a lot and basically I'm looking after them on my own most of the time.

When confronted with the fact that I'm not happy about this and he has been selfish/thoughtless, he informed me that I'm the one being unreasonable. So AIBU?

Sorry OP, I agree with PP- the response was weak. He needs to go. He needs to not have your home to get back to. I'm raging on your behalf what he's done is so selfish, using up his annual leave that way and leaving you alone with a young baby for 2 weeks.

Every day you're with him you're not finding the love of your life, OP. I hope you find a man good enough to marry, unlike this one. Right now, though, the next man you need in your life is a locksmith who can change the locks on your house after you toss his crap out your second floor window.

@Tellmetruth4 As said my "reflecf" comment was amongst many others. There won't be a baby number 2. It took a while for DD to appear and I'm too old.

@Durgasarrow Tbh I'm pretty much done with men. They all turn out to be rather selfish arseholes.

Pretty much OP. Some can be rehabilitated but they have to acknowledge wrong doing and want change. He is just hoping it all goes away and his level of CF is way beyond most blokes avoiding a few nappies and night feeds.

He’s so selfish and doesn’t even consider the two of you.

He should look in a mirror to find himself.

If it was a weekend i think everyone is entitled to a weekend off every now and again but 2 weeks! He’s spending all his weekends working too- I think he has his priorities all wrong.

I wouldn’t accept this

I'd look to the future in two ways. Firstly, imagine what living with an actual partner might feel like - someone committed to his family, who tries to pull more than their fair share, who goes out of their way to be a decent loving human being.... you seem light years away from this and therefore are wasting time with this man. Secondly, imagine your daughter when she's a bit older. Schools finished for Summer and dad has two weeks off and she's really excited... and then destroyed as the selfish fucker chooses not to spend time with her. So much pain being stored up for her. I'd be asking DP to imagine the hurt that he will inevitably cause her.

You’re wasting your time. He won’t change and if you let himself Tay yiur dd will grow up thinking that the way he treats you and her is normal for a relationship.

It’s not about you now. If he wants to be a good dad he can, but he is a crap partner and he has no thought if you and counselling is pointless.

Him stay... not himself Tay

How much more blatant do I need to be?

Much more. Change the locks and tell him to fuck off.

Fuck counselling, fuck assessing behaviour, fuck time to change.

It's time to get angry. Where are your boundaries, OP? Where's your line in the sand?

Lol @ finding himself - what a load of shit.

You can find yourself without it including a lovely two week holiday away from your responsibilities.

Buy him a yoga mat and change the locks.

Absolute piss take.

These things always make me think of that Beautiful South song, need a little time to think it over.....ok go take your time but I’m not hanging around. Ta ra.

Yeah sometimes we DO need time and space to deal with our mental health and work on self care, everyone needs this but you create it within your own life day to day not as a self indulgent piss up where someone else picks up the slack.

You deserve better than what he’s giving you.

Stop banging your head.
Stand up straight
Move on
You can't argue with crazy
You can't reason with the unreasonable

My friend's H of 20 years used to go on similar soul-searching trips. He allegedly travelled to remote Greek islands, stayed in monasteries and lived the simple life with the monks, getting up at the crack of dawn to tend to the vegetable patch etc...You get the picture.

It transpired he had, in fact, another family, a partner and child, and those were their holidays.

I'd change the locks if I were you, OP

That would be fine, just as long as he does not expect to "find" you on his return!

Something about your OH 2 week getaway at this stage in your life should be met with suspicion tbh. You heard about his jolly via his friend and he considers you less important and not in need of any break. He is away working a lot, not hands on?

This seems like behaviour which which won't improve or change unless you book a 2 week break for yourself now to surprise him with on his return. Get tough with him!

"Find himself" raises red flags for me. Mostly that he is an immature prat who is selfish and needy! But, i would worry he is out on a 2 week jolly for some validation

I’d leave him to it. You’re not going to get any sense or feeling out of him while he’s swanning about mid holiday enjoying himself and just sees you as a nuisance. Ignore ignore ignore then hit him with his bags when the bubble has burst and he turns up knackered and back down to earth at the end of the two weeks and expects to climb back into his comfortable life with you facilitating. Unbelievably selfish.

Ok. So his text of the morning asks if I have booked flights to see his mum. As if we haven't had our recent conversations? I've pointed out yet again how pissed off I am and he has said "you need to move on from this and we need to learn from this experience". There is a large dent in the wall now from where I've been banging my head. He does not get it.

And what precisely he learnt from this experience except that it's nice to have a lovely little break even if it makes you a shit DH and DF? He is deliberately ignoring you because he quite likes the status quo and would rather you didnt threaten that thank you very much. He still isnt taking this seriously. Not exactly fighting to keep his family is he?

Op please change your user name to
Heisnowdumped...

It is a beautiful day. I have a gorgeous daughter. I've done all my tasks for the day so off out for lunch with a friend. Someone who appreciates our company. So life is pretty good (without him). Oh and DD has eaten blueberries (with a bit of a shudder)!

There is a massive superiority complex on display here from him..that last text is just reeking of entitlement and disdain ...you will only matter in so far as you pander to his ego ..he is a Smug Masturbator..a clinically defined condition 😁

He is being unreasonable. He sounds like a little baby, sad you have to cope with two babies alone.

"There won't be a baby number 2. It took a while for DD to appear and I'm too old." Sorry I posted my comment before I saw your comment about not being able to have more children. Sorry I didn't want you to think I was being insensitive.

"So life is pretty good (without him)." Glad to hear it.

"I will happily go to counselling as it would be good to have a mediator in the room who will stop him talking over me." Would you consider this to give him one more chance? I always think it is worth it but only if he can be the partner you need.

"I found out I was pregnant just after my dad died." My dad died while I was expecting dd. It is tough because your new mummy experience can be tainted by loss. But well done for doing all you can for dd, enjoying her and your busy life. Your partner should be dancing a jig that you can cope and not disappearing to find himself! Has he considered that when he does find himself he may be somewhat disappointed!

Tell him you have realised you are happier when he is away so you are ending the relationship. Don’t bother with counselling. Change the locks, pack up his stuff and move on. You know you won’t regret it.

I've been lurking on this thread. Unbelievable . Where does he go on these trips? (You may have said but I've missed it.) It's been going on for a while, why hasn't he found himself already?