Will he ever find himself?

[idonthalfpickum]

My partner of several years has gone on his annual pilgrimage to "find himself". He tells me he needs this few days (see two weeks) to be able to cope with the world. This is usually fine by me. However, this year:

1. It was not discussed with me. The first I heard of it was when he was talking over plans with his friend
2. We have a 6 month old. Its been a struggle as he works away a lot and basically I'm looking after them on my own most of the time.

When confronted with the fact that I'm not happy about this and he has been selfish/thoughtless, he informed me that I'm the one being unreasonable. So AIBU?

@pallisers Been there, done that. My friend's husband looked after their baby one day this week so that she could rest all day. Then took her out for a meal that evening. My partner didn't get it. He again probably thought I was being jealous of my friend's husband being kind, caring, considerate.

on one of his returns from work, a month or so after DD's birth, he said he had seen a woman with a baby about the same age as DD and the woman looked amazing. He went on about it. There was me, sleep deprived, probably wearing pjs, not showered, breastfeeding constantly. It was as if he couldn't understand why I didn't look the same as that woman. I will tell you why...that woman had a lot of support from her partner.

Aaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh my head exploded

@chickenyhead This evening he has said he does not like the word "fault". Noone should be blamed for anything. Noone is at fault.

@chickenyhead "Aaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh my head exploded" The vision of a chicken's head exploding is not pleasant!

How the hell have you suffered this damn fool for so bloody long?

He is faulty, return him to wherever you got him.

@chickenyhead I doubt I would get a refund. There are definitely issues with his functionality. I suspect they wouldn't even want to recycle.

He could be used as fertiliser.

Or a glue factory?

@chickenyhead Would you really want to eat tomatoes that had been grown in his remains/shit?

I dunno, there would be some satisfaction in the liquidation process. I think I could cope

Honestly, you are wasted on a turd like that.

I'm sorry that you felt that you should get any support from him (see what I did there)

Have glued my head back together now.

Every single text he makes it worse, but he is so unaware that he keeps digging that hole.

@chickenyhead Haha! Glad your head is screwed back on. He doesn't understand he is digging a hole. One of his set responses is "I don't understand". Even when its something very blatant. It drives me mad.

Stop wasting your time, just chill instead!

God I hated that with my ex. Always having to explain common sense emotional things to him because he couldn't get it.

But I later learnt that he did get it, he got it perfectly, his actions were 100% intentional, but by acting dumb he shifted the ground under my feet. I felt that if I explained things, he wouldn't do them again. He did though and got cleverer.

In the end I had to tune out so as not to respond to his innocent dumbness, he was just attention seeking. Just dont engage, they hate that.

You must be exhausted. But you will thrive one you cut the dead weight. X

He's a hideous pretentious twat.

In my head I've named him the Teflon Tosser. Thy who no bad will stick to.

@pinkyredrose I don't think he will ever find himself to be like that at all.

@chickenyhead Yes, I'm knackered. Every morning I wake up with a headache from thinking about it all and then I have to start my day with DD. I still have the luxury of maternity leave but even so as DD doesn't really nap, neither do I. He doesn't get how draining he is either.

@chickenyhead I might ask him if he is being stupid on purpose. He is, qualification wise, a very intelligent guy and always claimed he is sensitive to the needs/feelings of others. I don't see how someone who has said categorically "I'm not going to change" is going to change. I feel like an idiot but hey, I have a beautiful daughter who makes me smile.

Well that's nice of him to be sorry you feel unsupported, but is he sorry for not supporting you? Is he sorry for putting you in the position of 'feeling unsupported' by not fucking well supporting you? No, he isn't.

Because this carefully worded and trite little statement, that is not an apology. I know you know this op, and he bloody well knows it too. He's trying to be a clever-dick. Not very attractive.

The only thing he's sorry about is that you are speaking up and asking for your needs to be met. And he can't be bothered. Because you're not his priority. He is his priority. Ugh.

And him not liking the word fault ffs! How does he feel about the word responsibility? Because he's refusing to take responsibility not only for his part in family life, but also for his selfish and unsupportive behaviour.

He sounds like a sanctimonious, self-righteous, selfish, passive aggressive prick. Again, just not attractive. For him it seems more important to win, to score points, to put his clever little twist on things...than to actually be a man, a supportive loving decent partner to you and father to his child.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with facing this, I really am.

He's actually made of Teflon

@idonthalfpickum

I don't think that it would have been that obvious prior to DD being born. Once you see that little face and have that terrifying wave of the ultimate responsibility, everything changes.

But not him, because he didn't have that visceral reaction to looking at the life you have created. He didn't have to because he knows that he can shirk all responsibility on to you.

But now you are hyper aware of what he is doing and not doing, because it is inconceivable to us to imagine thinking the way that he does now that DD is here.

Your life without him will be so much less chaotic mentally. He will, if you allow him, make you feel mad. Hell, I've never met him and I would do hard time for my actions if I ever did.

Pretentious is the word for him alright!

He sounds just awful. And this kind of mentality is a classic from people who can't take responsibility for their own actions, who also often play the victim and who are incredibly selfish.

It's the mindset of , "why are you still going on about this? I've moved on, why haven't you?" that is incredibly frustrating and impossible to deal with.

Maintaining meaningful, two way relationships with these people is not possible. And the more people try, the more they set themselves up for failure.

I am sorry you are having to face this with someone you thought was going to be your life partner.

@FantasticButtocks He doesn't seem sorry at all. You really have to push him get any apology and then this is the sort of response I get. I thought I might be being pedantic but it seems I'm not. I hate the fact that I'm doubting myself.

@BlingLoving That's exactly it! I'm basically being told to forget he went on holiday without and forget why I'm angry with him. I have a long memory, as well he knows. He has often said he wishes my memory weren't so good. I might have had a bit of baby brain over the past 6 months but his inactions/words have been stored.

The more you explain it is clear he has no empathy. If you look at his comments and actions through a lens of zero empathy it makes more sense.

It is very difficult to understand no empathy because most "normal" people can't relate to it. It took me years of very similar behaviour from Ex before I final got it. You may have heard him use stock phrases which are superficial empathy.

Accepting no fault is a very narcisstic trait.