Will he ever find himself?

[idonthalfpickum]

My partner of several years has gone on his annual pilgrimage to "find himself". He tells me he needs this few days (see two weeks) to be able to cope with the world. This is usually fine by me. However, this year:

1. It was not discussed with me. The first I heard of it was when he was talking over plans with his friend
2. We have a 6 month old. Its been a struggle as he works away a lot and basically I'm looking after them on my own most of the time.

When confronted with the fact that I'm not happy about this and he has been selfish/thoughtless, he informed me that I'm the one being unreasonable. So AIBU?

@chickenyhead He has had me at the point of literally jumping up and down on the spot shouting "why can't you just see" through gritted teeth. I'm normally a very calm, placid person. He is turning me into someone I am not. DD is only little but has had a few terrible nights recently. She is picking up the stress from me. I highlighted this to him and as usual, he didn't get it.

This is getting close to DARVO territory, denying any wrong, subtly attacking you, soon he'll be the victim...you sound far more emotionally intelligent than him and I'm sure you will handle this well..I'm looking forward to reading about how he copes with his world being re arranged

@Techway Funnily enough I told him earlier he has no empathy. Obviously he denied it. I'm at the opposite end of the scale. Very empathetic which can sometimes be detrimental, I pick up the stresses of others, but on the whole means I understand others reasonably well. Probably why I've spent so much time on this relationship. However, I've reached the point of I can't do any more, he won't listen, I'm just going round in circles and the only people hurting here are me and DD.

Sorry if I'm only repeating what someone else has said, having only skim-read the thread, but the only place this particular person is likely to find himself is to his own arse.

Yes, you've probably changed in the last few years--you've grown up. While he's stagnated, if not stepped backward. And why should he complain "am I going to have to watch what I say around you?" You have to watch the shitshow of pathetic lying, selfishness, and general bullshit he streams out of his chiphole, why should he get off easy?

My uncle’s wife left him and their childrento shag someone else “find herself”.
For years after, if anyone of us announced that we were going to the kitchen/upstairs/out to the garden, my dad would give us a very stern “be careful, you might find Julie in/up/out there”.

OP, it sounds like you and your DD could have a great life, but this loser is holding you back.

Sadly though, I think you’ll stay with him. The easiest time to pack his bags and have him gone is when he’s physically absent from the house. You have a great opportunity to do that, but instead you’re feeding in to his need for drama with texts, and you’ve already given him a carrot in suggesting counseling.

@TheCatsACunt He suggested the counselling, not me. Texts are mostly one sided from him as he tries to dig himself out of that hole but fails dramatically.

@Durgasarrow I think you're spot on with the step backward. He has become worse over the past year or so. Perhaps the added burden of a child or just because he really has become a self obsessed arsehole?

He has always been a self obseesed arsehole. It has simply become more noticeable since you had DD. The reasons why are neither here nor there.

You are independent, you have your own place. You can see how DD is being impacted so get him out. This is the ideal opportunity. Once back he'll suck you back into the cycle and another year will be wasted till he goes looking for himself again.

OP you sound like an awesome human being. I understand where you're coming from when you talk about the loss of your mum and birth of your daughter in such quick succession.
I'm sorry you've had to endure this knobjockey's behaviour - he sounds like an absolute nightmare.

He probably thinks he can get away with this shite on account that he has been getting away with it. So I hope you’re now ready to give him the boot. He sounds hideous and you are clearly no fool, so don’t let him treat you like one. Sorry you are going through this.

Op you’re not going to dump him are you? This is your opportunity to get rid of this useless lump and you’re so busy analysing his every word, you’re not actually going to do/change anything. I wish you good luck with this twat as he isn’t going to change.

I am wondering how he ever managed to find someone like you! He-who-cannot-be-found.

It is a few years since I divorced Ex and in that time I have learned from counselling, with an excellent physiologist, as well as online resources. Don't bother with a "standard" counsellor as they assume both parties are not disordered so it will be more frustrating for you. He will also use anything you say in counselling against you later.

The theory behind "disordered" people is that the area of the brain responsible for empathy is deficient/lacking and it is visible on brain scans. The way I relate to it is using an analogy of colour blindness, the colours are never going to be clear no matter how much it is explained.

It doesn't surprise me that you are empathic, most people who end up with these partners are empaths - highly sensitive and intuitive people.

Your experience is so familar to myself and others that there has to be a "type". I tolerated Ex (often very unhappy & frustrated) however once we had a power shift because his career took off he became abusive. It went from frustration to walking on eggshells.

Ex was an involved dad but that stopped once the DC became less adoring. He is actually a better dad now because he has limited time with them and as long as they go along with his plans/hobbies he is fine.None of them would discuss emotions or upset with him as they know it's pointless.

@Techway If I'm "highly sensitive and intuitive" why didn't I see him for what he really is? Being empathic now means I am analysing everythinng, trying to understand his behaviour and is it something I've done.

You didn't notice because you didn't need to. When life events happen, births, deaths, you expect someone you know well to behave in a certain way.
When they don't, it is completely shocking, but you've never tested them in that scenario before.
I wouldn't bother asking him again and again, he knows he hasn't risen to the challenge of the last two years but he's bluffing his way through it.
The most important thing he's shown you is that you can do it on your own.

@onyourway, has nailed it.

We just don't expect people to act like this so we look to find alternative reasons. I recognised I was more empathic so didn't expect Ex to have the same level as myself. He also faked empathy with stock phrases so it wasn't until I had tough life events did I start to realise he had no empathy but it took a long time as I dismissed my instincts. How was it possible to have no empathy and appear very normal?? It seems, relatively easy, as often these partners are charming, intelligent, polite and generally high functioning.

Dr Ramani is a useful resource and says if people choose to stay they need to adjust their expectations. Don't stay hoping for change as it won't happen.

It is precisely because you seek to understand him that you are tied up in pointless conversations where he successfully changes the agenda or manages to blame you.

When's he due back?

@Techway I was thinking that I need to lower my expectations. One minute I feel I am getting somewhere with him but the next he comes out with a ridiculous statement which shows his lack of understanding of the situation.

@Nanny0gg He is due back at the end of the week.

@onyourway I expect someone who supposedly loves me to show that love and be supportive. DD slept for 11 hours straight last night. Unfortunately I didn't as the whole situation is depressing me. Trying not to feel like a failure.

The problem with us empaths OP is that we feel the other person’s feelings so much that we want to fix them when they feel bad. I was married to one of these empathy free individuals for 11 years. I was so busy trying to tend to his every negative feeling and smooth it over for him that I completely neglected my own needs and feelings. Only when I had DS did my focus shift.

It’s quite often when women have DC that they notice what a selfish arse their other half is. Once DC are the centre of our lives and not then do their needs and feelings come into conflict. The conflict cannot be resolved because the other half cannot understand why they don’t come first. Once a woman gets to grips with the fact that her other half is only out for themself, it’s only a short leap to understanding how the woman herself has been subsumed by the other half and their needs. Short as the leap is though, it’s a difficult one, and one that it’s hard for an empath to grasp as they always want to put others first.

I'd be telling him that while he's been gone "I found myself" and realised he is a self centred, lead weight and you're better off without him.

I completely understand that feeling. It's not that you have high expectations, you just have a reasonable expectation based on your experience and those around you. When even basic expectations aren't met, it can leave you open mouthed.

Another thing I would add is that as you become more independent, less likely to ask for his support, more able etc, his 'but it's me that's lost myself' behaviour will escalate. This will be fear that you are more than able to just crack on and do it on your own. I would ignore it.....

You can lower your expectations, but you might get to zero pretty quickly and then you will be asking yourself 'what's the point?'

This reminds me of the Beautiful South song

I need a little time
To think it over
I need a little space
Just on my own
I need a little time
To find my freedom
I need a little

Funny how quick the milk turns sour
Isn't it, isn't it
Your face has been looking like that for hours
Hasn't it, hasn't it
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mistrust

I need a little room
To find myself
I need a little space
To work it out
I need a little room
All alone
I need a little

You need a little room for your big head
Don't you, don't you
You need a little space for a thousand beds
Won't you, won't you
Lips that promise fear the worst
Tongue so sharp the bubble burst
Just into unjust

I've had a little time
To find the truth
Now I've had a little room
To check what's wrong
I've had a little time
And I still love you
I've had a little

You had a little time
And you had a little fun
Didn't you, didn't you
While you had yours
Do you think I had none
Do you, do you
The Freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good
I hope you're glad
Sad into unsad

I had a little time
To think it over
Had a little room
To work it out
I found a little courage
To call it off

I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time

I think your approach is right. Let him come home, go to the counselling sessions with him and then, when he still doesn't understand the issues, you leave him. Then he can't say you didn't try.