Will he ever find himself?

[idonthalfpickum]

My partner of several years has gone on his annual pilgrimage to "find himself". He tells me he needs this few days (see two weeks) to be able to cope with the world. This is usually fine by me. However, this year:

1. It was not discussed with me. The first I heard of it was when he was talking over plans with his friend
2. We have a 6 month old. Its been a struggle as he works away a lot and basically I'm looking after them on my own most of the time.

When confronted with the fact that I'm not happy about this and he has been selfish/thoughtless, he informed me that I'm the one being unreasonable. So AIBU?

@Whatisthisfuckery Its not so much fixing as wanting to understand how someone can behaviour this way and be so blinkered and self absorbed. I can honestly say it was after my dad's death last year, just before I found out I was pregnant, that the realisation of his selfishness hit me. He bothered to turn up for the funeral then disappeared again to work immediately after. By that point I was already pregnant with a much wanted DD (by me).

@onyourway I'm already very independent, have been for years. I'm not one to ask for help. If he can't see that I would like support at times then he really is an idiot.

Why waste your time and money on what you already know?

He is disordered, utterly self centred. Accept this is the real him and move on.

I need to tell his mother we are not going to visit her. Not him.

I need to consider what will make me happy. Not him considering what he needs to do in order to aid my happiness ie think about his actions and provide support.

He has a lot of things on his mind whereas my sole focus is DD. Ermmm see the house and car I basically run on my own, my job which I look in on occasionally and will go back to, my family (one of which has just had a major operation), I'm trying to keep my mind ticking with a small ebay business, self care and so on.

I told him for this relationship to continue he needs to prove himself. He says he doesn't have to.

😂😂😂😂

He really does sound like he has narcissistic or sociopathic traits.

He has just ended the relationship then hasn't he because he is telling you that he does not even consider the possibility of needing to change.

He expects you to accommodate who he is and be grateful for his presence in your life.

@RandomMess He exhibits soms traits of each of those. He doesn't see the need for change. He is who he is apparently and I should accept that. Problem is there isn't just me to consider any more is there? Oh and apparently I see the world in black and white? Who is the one trying to accommodate and understand?

I only contacted him to inform him that I'm going to view a nursery as I'm considering putting DD in for one day per week until I go back to work full time. I need some time to myself. He said I have good judgement so he agrees with me its a good idea. So why then does he not listen to me when I highlight issues I have with him?

There it is in black and white. He says he does not need to change. He is not only showing who he is with his behaviour, he is actually telling you.

He cannot, will not and does not want or plan to change. I understand you trying to make sense of it but it is pointless. As I and many others have said this is your opportunity to move on.

Once you've found a nursery you're happy with

"Pretentious Prick, you're happy to pick up the nursery bill for DD as your contribution towards her care?"

@RandomMess Okay so I will make you dislike him even more. I paid for the IVF and the majority of DD's stuff. He has bought a few things and pays towards food bills. He sold his house earlier this year and has been concerned with paying off his debts. He earns at least double my salary. He hasn't offered to contribute anything on an ongoing basis apart from an agreed £20 per month into a savings account for DD.

You would be massively better off without him. Boot him out, get the CSA to make him contribute properly to DD and enjoy some time off when he has to find out what caring for a child alone is like.
Tell him you have 'found' that he is totally unnecessary.

I honestly can't understand how you got past his remarks about other women at 1m post-partum. How very fucking DARE he???

The ultimate cock lodger!!!

Geez he's so not worthy of your love and care.

Think of the savings when he moves out!

Think of your 25% single discount saving on council tax. May even be eligible for some tax credits whilst on Mat Leave or nursery fee contribution when you return to work.

What does he contribute to your life in anyway shape or form?

He is financially abusive too. Please google the Freedom Programme

There is no point in going to counselling with him!

He will just try to manipulate it to .ake you look and feel unhinged.

He has already told you very clearly that YOU ARE THE PROBLEM (his views not mine)

Please to god don't entertain trying to understand him, he is mean inside, that's enough.

Halloween is coming up...drug him and throw him on the pyre.

I will watch.

We can toast marshmallows

The problem here is that his behaviour is so incomprehensible to you that you are trying to understand it or get him to understand why it's not okay. But that's not going to happen because ultimately you have completely different views on what is acceptable behaviour for a partner and father.

And OP, the fact that you've been putting up with zero financial contribution from this slacker while he pays off debt, goes on holidays etc is mind boggling. And suggests to me that you're not as independent as you think - or perhaps you weren't and the fact that your'e questioning now is a sign that you're becoming independent now.

So he lives with you for free and takes off when he feels like it? Why are you entertaining this and even bothering with the conversations that get you nowhere? If the house is yours just change the locks and tell him to enjoy finding himself a new place to live.

I think the crux of this is that I wanted a baby and he didn't.

I told him for this relationship to continue he needs to prove himself. He says he doesn't have to.

Answer to that: No, you're right you don't have to, but as that is a requirement from me for our relationship to continue, then your choice not to, gives us our answer about how to proceed.

Do his periods of finding himself involve visiting Thailand or Eastern Europe by any chance?

Well if he didn't want a baby he should have had a vasectomy.

The crux of it is he is an abusive arsehole. You really need to get him out of your head and stop the circular attempts to understand him etc. You'll be surprised how much clearer things will be then.

It really doesn’t sound like you’ve got much to lose by leaving him. He doesn’t contribute financially, emotionally or physically. You’re basically raising DD single handedly anyway. At least if you separated he would have to make a financial contribution.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/