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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving an 18 and 20 year old home alone!!

298 replies

Myfeetarekillingme · 19/09/2019 16:49

Bit of background first, DH and I have a rubbish relationship with his ex. They separated several years before we met but she's treated me like the OW ever since we started to date. She held up divorce, demanded all sorts of nonsense. Luckily the step children are older so we have very limited contact with her now.

We have step "children" aged 18 and 20, five days out of fourteen which includes EOW. The days during the week vary. I've posted about this before and been flamed to death for suggesting this is slightly odd behaviour for two adults and that I'm a terrible step parent. For the record, I'm not saying they aren't welcome, just that I wish they would start to become a little more independent and stop relying on a child contact plan that was set up many years ago when they were children.

We're going on holiday the day after a 'child' contact night, we're leaving super early. I asked DH if we could alter/cancel/suspend the child contact night as it would mean them getting up at 4am and us taking them back to their mother's (no buses at that time) before setting off, meaning everything would have to be even earlier. He said this was OK. At 18 and 20 they should be able to be left alone even if their mother was not at home that evening.

All was well until the ex found out. She went batshit. Saying DH is irresponsible, uncaring, etc.

Who is in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Frenchmom · 20/09/2019 08:56

My son is eighteen, nineteen in October. He started university last year.
This summer he has worked in Disneyland Paris for three months, found and applied for the job on his own.
He has commuted over an hour every day ( we live near Paris, but the wrong side!) including leaving the house at 5 am or found accommodation for himself if getting home was impossible.
We helped where we could, but he didn’t ask or expect us to.
Your DSC are adults. Start treating them as such!

Malbecqueen · 20/09/2019 17:33

Surely child contact provisions stop at 18?? Seriously? Why don’t you just deal directly with them and not her?

nuxe1984 · 20/09/2019 17:50

The contact order (presumably set down by the court) is no longer valid as they are both adults. They could chose not to come to see or stay with you; they could choose to live with you permanently (if you were happy about this).

In fact, if children live with their mother and visit their father, they can decide where they want to live from the age of 16 years. It's different if they're placed with their father - then they cannot leave until they are 18.

I have an 18 year old SD who left her mother at the age of 16 and came to live with her father and me. Previously her father had a contact order set down by the court so we checked out the legal situation before she made this decision.

Regarding your situation, I would tell the "children" that the visit will be shorter this time due to your holiday - and ignore their mother!

Namechange8471 · 20/09/2019 17:52

I was living alone at 18 with a baby in my own home...
People also leave for uni or enlist in the army.
What a bonkers thread...

Benjispruce · 20/09/2019 17:55

I have left my 18 year old home alone for a week.She is an adult.

Figamol · 20/09/2019 17:56

Er my 3 kids under 9 leave the house in the morning and walk to school. They have taken short bus trips together. They know how to lock and unlock the front door and they even know to check nothing is plugged in or switched on.

If anything its the boys you need to sit down and talk to. Explain to them that they are adults now and that they don't have to stick to the contact order if they don't want to and that your door is always open with a bit of advance notice. Given them a key and start enabling them rather than going along with this infantilzing she's got everybody hooked on.

Billben · 20/09/2019 18:03

Christ, I would be embarrassed if my children aged 18&20 were this juvenile.

I was 18 when I moved continents on my own and stood on my own two feet.

meccacos2 · 20/09/2019 18:05

@Ellisandra

Why should their mother give up a young adult free night when it’s their dad’s contact time?

They are 18 & 20 years old ...this is absurd.

They should be going out with friends. This is freaking weird at this age.

This should be an opportunity for a conversation. They should start paying board if they are going to be living there at that age.

The ex wife needs to be blocked. The youngest is 18 - it’s time to cut contact with the mother

endofthelinefinally · 20/09/2019 18:07

I understand your concerns about locking up OP. My DC were capable of being in charge of the house at 16, but we had DH's nephew staying for a couple of nights while we were on holiday. He left the back door open and managed to switch off the security cameras. He is 23, but completely infantilised by his parents.

Ahundredpercentthatbitch · 20/09/2019 18:07

I moved out of home when I was 18 and never went back.

The ex is crazy and controlling and your step children are emotionally arrested.

manicmij · 20/09/2019 18:08

The clue is in the name 'child contact agreement'. How on earth does an 18 and 20 year old think that still applies to them or worst still your D H. Sure a court would laugh at the thought. YANBU think there has to be a bit growing up

Biffsboys · 20/09/2019 18:10

Does their mother never go on holiday and leave them at home ??

grumiosmum · 20/09/2019 18:13

We left 17 year old DS alone to look after the dog for 3 days recently.

He was fine, got himself to & from school OK, shopped for food & fed himself. Invited his girlfriend round, went to see friends.

Just not an issue at that age.

FelicisNox · 20/09/2019 18:14

They are literally and legally adults.

They are not children therefore the contact order is null and void.

The ex is trying to control you and it's time it stopped.

It's time you and DH arranged a meeting with the "kids" explained the above and make it crystal clear you will be dealing with them directly from now on and their mother will be firmly out of the picture. Due to her unreasonable and controlling behaviour you will be blocking her on all forms of communication but not before emailing her the details of the new arrangements.

Unless it states differently on the court order that stipulates beyond 18 she has no legs to stand on.

LagunaBubbles · 20/09/2019 18:24

This is mad! They are adults as everyone says, it really doesn't do them any favours either as they will struggle to cope in life.

Interestedwoman · 20/09/2019 18:27

@Ellisandra she said she wanted to be sure the house is shut up properly etc as they're going to be away for 10 days. I think a lot of people wouldn't be confident relying on someone else to shut up the house, especially if they are flakey (OP isn't misjudging them by thinking they're immature and flakey- they really sound it, so her concern about the house isn't unreasonable.) Better safe than sorry.

I agree that they shouldn't be there the night before you go OP. It just makes more work for you, when you already have a knackering early start. Either way, have a great time! xxx

wallowinwater · 20/09/2019 18:27

It doesn’t surprise me in lots of ways, contentious divorce and child contact arrangement’s seem to have a negative effect on kids who gets stuck in the middle in terms of their development, sense of self and independence. There is absolutely no need to have the mum involved in contact arrangements or for them to still be in place when the kids are grown up. It must be so frustrating for you OP, and difficult to affect a change when they’re not your children so you’re on the outside. Do they have mobile phones? Start communicating directly with them and have a serious talk with your husband.

Mary54 · 20/09/2019 18:35

Both my kids were living away from home for Uni at those ages. Sure you worry about them a bit at the beginning but they are both technically adults. I wouldn’t have thought that they would still expect 24/7 parental supervision -more likely to be irritated by it?

Stfrancescof · 20/09/2019 18:40

Op you're not sounding so great to me. Not their parent, nothing to do with you - what is this utter bs?? You've been in their lives since they were 8 and 10 - what have you been doing these 5 days out of every 14 - ignoring them?? Disappointing.

guest2013 · 20/09/2019 18:40

I had two kids and a mortgage at 20. How utterly utterly odd.

Kayagh · 20/09/2019 18:44

Seriously child contact order at their age honestly thought those things expired once they are no longer considered children wtf. Sorry but they should have their own place not visiting like 6 year olds.

Iminagony · 20/09/2019 18:44

Why did they need to leave at the same time as you? Surely they could have slept as normal and stayed until ready and make their own way back to their mums during sociable hours with a bus service or taxi.

ToftyAC · 20/09/2019 18:45

They’re adults. I’ve never heard such batshittery. Your DHs ex is a lidder.

Drum2018 · 20/09/2019 18:46

The ex wife needs to be blocked. The youngest is 18 - it’s time to cut contact with the mother

This 100%

Kayagh · 20/09/2019 18:46

And I absolutely would not leave an 18 and 21 year old access to an empty house for ten days no chance never temptation for your goose to be trashed which is what my younger bro did first time he was left home alone. I had a mortgage and a child age 21 get a freakin grip