Leaving an 18 and 20 year old home alone!!

[Myfeetarekillingme]

Bit of background first, DH and I have a rubbish relationship with his ex. They separated several years before we met but she's treated me like the OW ever since we started to date. She held up divorce, demanded all sorts of nonsense. Luckily the step children are older so we have very limited contact with her now.

We have step "children" aged 18 and 20, five days out of fourteen which includes EOW. The days during the week vary. I've posted about this before and been flamed to death for suggesting this is slightly odd behaviour for two adults and that I'm a terrible step parent. For the record, I'm not saying they aren't welcome, just that I wish they would start to become a little more independent and stop relying on a child contact plan that was set up many years ago when they were children.

We're going on holiday the day after a 'child' contact night, we're leaving super early. I asked DH if we could alter/cancel/suspend the child contact night as it would mean them getting up at 4am and us taking them back to their mother's (no buses at that time) before setting off, meaning everything would have to be even earlier. He said this was OK. At 18 and 20 they should be able to be left alone even if their mother was not at home that evening.

All was well until the ex found out. She went batshit. Saying DH is irresponsible, uncaring, etc.

Who is in the wrong here?

There’s so many accusations of how I’m infantalising them. I fail to see how this is the case when I desperately want them to grow up and cut their apron strings. Their parents are undoubtedly, but I am not their parent, never have been. It’s been made very clear to me by the ex that she doesn’t want any input from me into her children’s lives and her nasty poison has affected my SDs relationship with me.

I want them to grow up! She clearly still sees them as a pawn in her game.

I'd they genuinely can't lock up then your husband needs to talk to them and tell them that they either come for Saturday evening and get the bus back after tea or they come another night earlier in the week. Driving them home at 4am is utterly ridiculous and can't be an option.

"She clearly still sees them as a pawn in her game." I completely agree with you, that is what she sees and she may well see this until they are 50! So just tell your dh that he will be taking them home on the night before you leave for your holiday and any flack that is flying will be landing on him, not you, they are adults and you can speak to them as adults. We are off on holiday on Y so you'll be going home on X sounds fine for even my kids to understand, and they are a lot younger!

*if

Do you talk to the children as adults, as equals?

Anyway, I think this is a wind-up. No adult kids are doing this.

@Italiangreyhound totally agree with you.

If these teenagers are so immature they can’t be left to be responsible for locking up the house while the OP is on holiday. Not all teenagers are responsible!

@Myfeetarekillingme you are being given an undeservedly hard time here.

How I wish it was a wind up but sadly it’s my life!

Update FFS I am so angry. DH can be a shouty twat when we have disagreement over his children. As expected when the ex is playing her games he has a go at me. Apparently the fact she’s got involved is my fault! I’ve not spoken to this woman for four years, but because I suggested the children should stay at their mums the night before our holiday I “invited” trouble from her!! He can be a total twat at times.

He invited the trouble by playing along with the weird facade that these adults are infact toddlers.

Go on holiday by yourself. Leave husband to mind the kiddies. Have a long think about your relationship.

I’ve told him he’s playing directly into her hands and playing her stupid game. I’ve also suggested he has a chat with his son about relaxing the child contact plan! That went down well too! Dog house for me tonight. Might go on holiday on my own and leave him to watch CBeebies with them.

Might go on holiday on my own and leave him to watch CBeebies with them.
Good idea. How on earth can he not see how bonkers this all is?

They're adults. If they dont have additional needs and need care then they're absolutely fine to be left alone

I have no experience of contact agreements etc but surely once the 'children' are legally adults then there is no need for contact agreements. Sounds like the ex is going out of her way to make life difficult. Has she ever asked for some change to the agreed days to suit her?

What is their father’s solution?

Having my own 18 and 20 year olds constantly hanging around my arse would drive me bonkers!

What do they do whilst their at yours OP? Do they go out with friends for a drink, shopping, gym or anything? Or are they constantly supervised at home and tag along with you when you go out?

I'm not trying to be clever. I'm just trying to understand why an 18 and 20 year old seem to be so unprepared for the world. There is no mention of special needs so just trying to figure out what makes them tick really.
Your DP hasn't done them any favours if a 20 year old can't be trusted to lock a door behind her.

I can see your point about their mother using them as pawns. This has to stop right now. They are adults. I think I would be ready to tell DP to stay and talk his kids into growing up sharpish whilst I went on holiday on my own.

I don't think you are responsible for the immaturity of your SDC. They have been pawns for too long and everyone has felt the need to pussyfoot around them. It's time they were treated as adults now OP. To do that you need DP on board. What's your plan regarding DSC and DP? I should think living as you are is only going to become more intolerable

Step back and let him sort out the arrangements for the night before your flight

I became a homeowner at 19, this whole set up is ridiculously weird.

Why won’t he step up and sort this mess out? Why is he so scared of his ex?
This whole set up and scenario is weird
I really would be going on holiday alone.

Who wants to be getting up and driving at 4am? The 'kids', their Dad? Why is that a pleasurable experience for anybody?

Or are all four of you tiptoeing around their Mum? Why?

It seems very cruel to the 'kids', who'd surely rather be at home in bed that night.

@LoveWine123 has given the best advice. You could have an accident and then they'd have to fend for themselves. Are they old enough to get themselves cereals etc??? Too risky imo.

So if neither of you have any contact with Ex, how do you know she's gone 'batshit' and all the rest that he's having a go at you about??

Wow I was living on my own independently and working full time at 17. They really should manage a few hours and a bus journey. That's insane.

I got married when I was 20.....

Your husband is a total loser I'd leave him at home and enjoy the holiday as a soon to be single lady