Leaving an 18 and 20 year old home alone!!

[Myfeetarekillingme]

Bit of background first, DH and I have a rubbish relationship with his ex. They separated several years before we met but she's treated me like the OW ever since we started to date. She held up divorce, demanded all sorts of nonsense. Luckily the step children are older so we have very limited contact with her now.

We have step "children" aged 18 and 20, five days out of fourteen which includes EOW. The days during the week vary. I've posted about this before and been flamed to death for suggesting this is slightly odd behaviour for two adults and that I'm a terrible step parent. For the record, I'm not saying they aren't welcome, just that I wish they would start to become a little more independent and stop relying on a child contact plan that was set up many years ago when they were children.

We're going on holiday the day after a 'child' contact night, we're leaving super early. I asked DH if we could alter/cancel/suspend the child contact night as it would mean them getting up at 4am and us taking them back to their mother's (no buses at that time) before setting off, meaning everything would have to be even earlier. He said this was OK. At 18 and 20 they should be able to be left alone even if their mother was not at home that evening.

All was well until the ex found out. She went batshit. Saying DH is irresponsible, uncaring, etc.

Who is in the wrong here?

I’d ask them if they want a week away from their crazy mother and if so let them live independently at yours while you are away

Ffs I lived alone with my 2 year old at 20. Their DM and df are batshit.

I went to Los Angeles for a week with just my boyfriend when we were16 and moved into my own flat when I was 18. They are adults, I really don't see what the problem is.

How on earth have you put up with your Dh for so long? I agree, go on the holiday yourself, think of the wonderfully relaxing time you could have, while Dh stays home to mind the babies. He sounds pathetic!

Go on your holidays on your own , leave your husband to it , no good will come in treating adults like children , it will turn around on them in the long run .

OP i am sorry your dh is being a twat. Have you been together long? Do yo have kids together?

This' drama is what she wants, him being mean to you is what she wants, probably. So he is playing into her hands. I would say he can make his own way to the airport, you go there under your own steam with your bags when you want and leave the drama to the lama!

We’ve been together almost ten years. When the kids were small it was so much easier, although it was tough because the ex was very difficult at every opportunity. Now we have no contact with her but the drama lives on through their children. I was married to my first husband at 21, in soldiers married quarters running my own home 100s of miles away from my parents. Makes me want to scream that they’re still so dependent.

You started THIS incident because according to your OP, it was YOU who suggested to your husband that they don’t come on their usual night, because of the early morning. So YOU made the decision not to expect grown adults to stay in bed til the normal time and get the bus home. YOU.

And give over with the pathetic retort that I hate stepmothers. I told you, I am one.

I would say the same thing here if you lived with your sister and these were your nephew and niece.

But sure, just assume that anyone who doesn’t agree with you just hates all stepmothers

I think you should just state you don't trust the young adults to be in the house when you are not there ... I think more respect would be had if you were truthful?

Yes, I do think it's bizarre behaviour that a 18 & 20 year old are sticking to the routine. It kind of demonstrates they have no outside the box thinking.

At 20 I owned my own home and had a child for goodness sake. Of course they can be left alone

Their not kids their adults ffs. They are old enough to drink, have kids of their own, get married and move out on their own. They can stay at either house and are surely capable of finding their own transport to get back. At 18 and 20 they do not need their hand holding and the contact agreement should not even be in place. They stop when it's convenient all round they are grown ups jot children with court ordered access.

Goodness me. Well, to paraphrase some MN classics just for a laugh - “those poor kids, nobody wants them” ; “they will pick up on the fact that you don’t want them around” ; “how they are brought up is nothing to do with you, you’re not their mother”; “do the decent thing and leave if you can’t sacrifice everything at the alter of their preciousness”
You have my sympathy OP

I wouldn't involve the mother in the conversation at all. Is isn't her business

Myfeetarekillingme, have you tried talking to these young people, expressing your concern? What is obvious to all of us may not be to them, sometimes people need to have the obvious pointed out to them.

This is utterly ridiculous, they are not children, they are grown ups. Contact arrangements need ro cease, but they need to be made aware they are welcome anytime. I do not know how you are putting up with this nonsense, you need to put your foot down big time. Do not allow yourself to be bullied.

@Ellisandra gosh are you this much hard work IRL? Perhaps you could read some of my comments? I’ve said repeatedly that I go by the MN mantra, they’re not my kids and how they’re brought up was/is nothing to do with me. I did suggest they didn’t come over because I will not have the anxiety for my entire holiday if they didn’t lock up or turn everything off! Nothing to do with not wanting them, it’s a safety and security issue because these young adults have been raised to think they should always be wrapped in cotton wool and are unable to do the most basic of tasks
Associated with being an adult.

Holy fuck. Shes a psycho clearly.

I think it was unfair that you were flamed on your last post aswell. They are adults. There shouldn't be contact hours. They should just be visiting when they want now surely.

Can't you sit the young adults down and say you're adults now, we don't need this contact agreement anymore. You are welcome in this home, welcome to come and visit and stay. We hope you'll come more often not less often. Our home is your home.

Why on earth would you get them up and drive them, they are adults they can take themselves home later in the day! I have kids that age, I went on holiday without them (they didn't even wreck the house)

Thinking about it, have you even suggested they house sit for you, then staying for 10 days might help them grow up and their mother might be grateful if they grew up a bit too, you may not have contact with her but I'm sure she's getting frustrated too. Young adults need to be more independent

Could they be taken home the day before instead?

It is a shame they cannot be more flexible and mature but it isn't their fault by the sounds of things

My dd went to France and America when she was 18

Why would the OP new them to house sit?

They are not children they are young adults. They should be able to come and go as they please at either house!

Eh? I was left for a week while dm and dp went on holiday for a week when I was 18.

I am honestly shocked you can’t trust a twenty year old to lock the house. They must lock their own house all the time.

This is a seriously odd set up. Give them some adult responsibilities (although locking the house is a usual task for a 14 year old).

No wonder these people haven’t grown up - the adults around them won’t trust them with the most basic of tasks.