Leaving an 18 and 20 year old home alone!!

[Myfeetarekillingme]

Bit of background first, DH and I have a rubbish relationship with his ex. They separated several years before we met but she's treated me like the OW ever since we started to date. She held up divorce, demanded all sorts of nonsense. Luckily the step children are older so we have very limited contact with her now.

We have step "children" aged 18 and 20, five days out of fourteen which includes EOW. The days during the week vary. I've posted about this before and been flamed to death for suggesting this is slightly odd behaviour for two adults and that I'm a terrible step parent. For the record, I'm not saying they aren't welcome, just that I wish they would start to become a little more independent and stop relying on a child contact plan that was set up many years ago when they were children.

We're going on holiday the day after a 'child' contact night, we're leaving super early. I asked DH if we could alter/cancel/suspend the child contact night as it would mean them getting up at 4am and us taking them back to their mother's (no buses at that time) before setting off, meaning everything would have to be even earlier. He said this was OK. At 18 and 20 they should be able to be left alone even if their mother was not at home that evening.

All was well until the ex found out. She went batshit. Saying DH is irresponsible, uncaring, etc.

Who is in the wrong here?

I started being left at home alone when my parents went away on trips (at my request) when I was 15. This is utterly ridiculous.

Do the step kids not have friends or boy/girlfriend?

Think I remember you posting before.

I agree with you, they are adults and of course they can be left alone. I had children and had lived independently for four years by the time I was 20 ffs.

Some mums never let their children grow up.Stepmum or not you need to tell her

Do the stepkids realise that once they are grown up (ie now) that they can choose where they live, who they see and when? I wonder if they feel trapped in this pattern of programmed visits and fear that if they deviate from it that they will cause upset / offence. It might be quite liberating for them to be set free of ‘access’ arrangements.

I asked DH if we could alter/cancel/suspend the child contact night as it would mean them getting up at 4am and us taking them back to their mother's (no buses at that time) before setting off,

This is batshit.

Just get up and leave them to it. I don't believe they aren't capable of being left "on their own" for a few hours when you leave to go on holiday. They are adults FFS!

It's not you. It's the ex trying to exert control. Take the kids back to mum's evening prior and be done. I think your way too invested when it's not gaining anything for anyone. Detach and just drop them back earlier. Gawd this is exhausting. They must have their own house keys right?

This is bizarre.

The most odd thing of all is that 2 adults can’t be left in the flipping house to lock up after themselves.

They are reliant on buses? Don’t either of them drive? I have offspring their ages, it’s so far removed from normal behaviour.

I lived alone from 16. I can’t believe two adults even want to come every other weekend. My SD stopped staying at ours by about 15! The mother is an idiot.

At that age, of course they are capable of locking up a house. It's their house too so I think you just have to trust them. You seem to want them to behave like adults, so treat them like adults.

OP, you don't have a DSC problem, you have a DH problem. He needs to put his foot down and suspend the visit.

You were the mean step mother who didn’t like her step kids visiting weren’t you! You shouldn’t have married someone with kids. You should stop being jealous of them and be glad they want to visit their dad.

@isitnearlyweekend - bloody hell! Have you even read the thread 🙄 you sound like the ex wife (twat)

This is one of the most bat shit crazy things I have ever read on Mumsnet.

They are adults!! Of course you can leave them on their own for four hours. What are they going to do, eat too many Coco pops?

If you read the thread you’ll see I don’t want them left to lock up as it’s my home and they have no concept of security or safety, hair straighteners left on for example.

No way would I let them house sit, god only knows what carnage id come back to. They are incredibly selfish and thoughtless.

They have been massively let down by their parents if they have no concept of security, (and are selfish and thoughtless).

If you read the thread you’ll see I don’t want them left to lock up as it’s my home and they have no concept of security or safety, hair straighteners left on for example

It's their home too as its their dads home, not just yours. You need to treat them like adults as they will always behave like children. They won't take responsibility unless you give them some. I remember your last thread though and I don't think anyone is willing to change so it's pointless.

I don’t know how you live with this. It would give me the out and out rage!

I do feel something rings true wrt contact arrangements, children can be shunted about and catered for in a sort of weak, semi-parenting ether, with parents sort of forgetting to actually get them to grow up!

It’s not good parenting. I don’t know how you bite your tongue (I couldn’t). After all it’s your house too. You’ve the patience of a saint!!

A previous poster nailed it. I would go on holiday on my own, and leave him with his dc & CBeebies.

Absolutely batshit.
No need for any contact arrangements, they are both adults.
No way would I want anyone staying in my home the night before an early flight.
That can't be trusted to stay in the ops house alone and that is that.
Cut all contact with the ex wife.
Book your holidays when it suits you.

Ex is being a bitch just to disrupt your holiday plans. Surely they have a key to their home with Ex. Drop them off day before give them £20 for pizza, forget about batshit crazy ex and have a lovely holiday! No court in the land would think this unreasonable

They are adults - they can choose who to visit and when and mostly definitely be left overnight!

@Myfeetarekillingme

What do the 'children" want?

Contact agreements end at 18 so why is your husband playing along with this bullshit. He should give the adults both a key and say they are welcome to stay whenever they feel like it.

OP I thought you were getting a hard time initially as I'd assumed you would be fine leaving the 2 adults sleeping in the house and leaving for your holiday and it was their mother who was going batshit about you leaving them alone.
However it seems you are also disinclined to leave them alone in your house.
No matter how much you deny it, you are therefore feeding into the treating them as children.

Somebody has to be the voice of reason in the relationship between the 5 of you adults. It appears you are in pole position for that.
Could you take the position of trusting them to stay alone and lock up after themselves. Even if you surreptitiously arrange for a friend/neighbour to pop around later that morning to check everything is locked up/switched off.

You're blaming the ex (and the "children"), your dh and his ex seem to be happy to continue to treat their adult offspring as children and blaming you for this disagreement. Are you otherwise happy in this relationship? If your dh is not on board with beginning to treat his DC as the adults they have grown into, I would be questioning the future of the relationship tbh.

How's your dh being now OP. Hope it is all going to sort out.

It's a shame the kids have no idea of security etc but hopefully their parents will sort that one out. Enjoy your holiday.