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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was ibu to react like this. Should i say sorry

349 replies

Anonmummyoftwo · 17/09/2019 18:09

Honestly it was a reaction i couldnt control. Before i could stop myself it just came out. Was waiting to lift ds5 from school today and chatting with the other mums. One said about her baby going next week for her year vaccines and another mum jumped in and said your really shouldnt my ds never got any of his because her sisters friends dd caught autism from them. Before i could stop myself i let out a laugh and said oh for god sake are you serious. I said you cant catch autism first off and second that bloody crap about the vaccine causing autism has been proven to be a load of crap. She tried to argue her point but i just said look im not listening and went in got my ds and left. A few mums agreed with me but this mum has just messaged me saying shes upset at how i acted and would like me to say sorry infront of the other mums at drop off in the morning. I told her im sorry for upsetting you but i wont say sorry at the school because i think shes being a fool. This is a grown woman whos at least 30 and truthfully i did think she was a smart woman till that. Do people really still think you can "catch" autism from a vaccine

OP posts:
Julia001 · 18/09/2019 20:14

She embarrassed herself because of her totally appalling attitude to her children’s health. When you have seen a child almost die of sepsis after contracting measles because their parents “did their homework” online and decided against vaccination, you might then understand why people get very upset about this.

emmylousings · 18/09/2019 20:15

Good on you OP for having the courage to call them out. We all have a duty to do that but it isn't always easy, as you have found. Don't aplogise, because you are in the right.

ddl1 · 18/09/2019 20:16

YANBU. If she had just been talking about her OWN decisions, perhaps she could say you were a bit harsh (though truthful!); but she jumped in without being asked, and advised another mother not to vaccinate her own kids. This was really inappropriate and really dangerous. I don't think you need to apologize at all.

Oilyskinproblems · 18/09/2019 20:17

Good idea camping - let’s shout and ridicule them! That will make them change there minds. Lets not bother to try to educate or try to put a rational factual view point across to them.

And yes by saying there’s no need to be rude I was saying we should all be ‘little women...’

LittleMy20 · 18/09/2019 20:19

You said the right thing. She should be apologising for her ignorance and offensive remarks.

Loveabitofcamping · 18/09/2019 20:23

@Oilyskinproblems they are fundamentalists, extremists. Rational discussion doesn't work, education doesn't work, we have a responsibility to stop them spreading their extremely dangerous views. So I stand with the OP and not the apologists.

MIdgebabe · 18/09/2019 20:26

SHe is putting your child life at risks (because measles can still be caught by a vacinated child, the vacine is not perfect). Wouldn’t you go a bit crazy she waved a knife around , or drove you4 child without a seatbelt?

MintAeroBubbles · 18/09/2019 20:30

Would have done the same thing! These anti vaccination people are dangerous and shouldn’t be spreading such nonsense. You can’t catch autism it’s not a cold!

Oilyskinproblems · 18/09/2019 20:31

fgs most of them are people who are very easily influenced and have been told this by someone they know or read a story about someone who ‘caught autism.’ And if they can be influenced one way it wouldn’t be too hard to influence them the other way either - Rather than trying to make them feel small. Im sure it would make you feel very big and important to put them in their place though.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 18/09/2019 20:32

I see that you’ve apologised... but I don’t think you needed to. Your laughter is a GOOD way of getting through to this woman, and any other crazy anti-vaxxers. Let her look silly! It’s a small price to pay for her dangerous actions, that are helping to bring measles back to the U.K.

Stupid woman. Im pleased you laughed st her. Research has shown that the “tut factor” is very effective in changing peoples behaviour (smoking, drink-driving, etc). We all listen to our peers’ opinions way more than experts’.

WiseNiceWoman · 18/09/2019 20:32

You sound like one of those stereotypical women that assert themselves in a shameful and if I were there would be laughing at you - "I can't believe she said it like that, what type of woman is this". After that would find you irritating - damn so annoying and then walks off like your opinion is the holy grail. I didn't vaccinate my child until he was 4 because of this. On the news sometime after there was a discussion on a research that came out and said there was some truth in it but difficult to measure. That alone is enough to sway some people's opinions. If it was a load of crap then they wouldn't have had it as a major discussion on the mainstream news. Yet you felt it OK to slap her down like that. I wish I was there and I would have said to you "no no there is some research pointing towards something in it" and damn would have made you look a fool the way you express yourself. Yes, you owe her an apology although you are lucky she wants one from you. I just wouldn't want to associate someone like you as my friend. Too much of a fool yourself the way you express yourself. People's rationality sometimes goes out the windows when it comes to the fear of their own child and this woman feels strongly so you should have just stated your opinion as hers is equally valid from her point and not behave like a YABU comedian idiot. Rubbish person you are!

NoParticularPattern · 18/09/2019 20:32

I mean perhaps you shouldn’t have laughed at her, that was a bit of a dick move. But then not vaccinating your kids and declaring how everyone who does will cause their child to be autistic is also pretty dickish. You’ve apologised for how you acted, she’s still being a dick. Yeah pretty certain you’re not the one in the wrong now.....

leomama81 · 18/09/2019 20:33

Lets not bother to try to educate or try to put a rational factual view point across to them.

Anti-vaxxers have heard the facts - they are just choosing the conspiracy version over the scientific one.

Not saying shout and ridicule, but I don't think hearing someone out and trying to engage with them on a rational level is really useful either.

Notreallyhappy · 18/09/2019 20:35

I would of laughed too...what a fanny... Catch autismGrin

leomama81 · 18/09/2019 20:36

@WiseNiceWoman link?? Have never, ever heard any credible news media give any credence to such ideas. Media have hosted debates with anti-vaxxers, who have made that claim - that's not the same thing.

This opinion is not equally valid as expert opinion and scientific fact, and that kind of contention is a big part of why the world is currently in such a mess.

You've been much ruder to the OP than she was to this mum, by the way.

UBeaut · 18/09/2019 20:38

I was Iceland today and heard a woman banging on at the check out about how she refused her DD the 'one they give you at 12' ie. HPV vaccine 'because a friend had it and it then took her 6 years to conceive' Hmm

As someone who has lived for years with the stress of abnormal smears and cervical cancer scares, it's the most stupid thing I've heard for a long time. Such as shame the facts aren't more widely known as these things save lives.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 18/09/2019 20:47

People's rationality sometimes goes out the windows when it comes to the fear of their own child

Exactly.

Measles has returned to the U.K. due to people like this woman. Measles isn’t a jumped-up chicken pox - it can kill children.

We should all be terrified that people are choosing to leave their children unprotected.

If anyone is worried about the safety of the MMR, they should pay to get separate vaccines, not just skip it all entirely. Dangerous, and selfish.

LemonPrism · 18/09/2019 20:50

I'd message back saying I'm upset that she's risking the lives of others - of her child's, classmates baby siblings, aged grandparents and immunosuppressed family members.

I'd say that I'm upset she is implying autism is a disease when the study published in 1994 was made up by a quack doctor who has been stripped of his licence.

I'd say she's an idiot and you don't care if idiots are offended.

AlansLeftMoob · 18/09/2019 21:00

Anyone who thinks vaccines cause Autism deserves to be laughed at in public. Fuck her, do not apologize. Who does she think she is, requesting that you apologize in front of everyone? She's an idiot.

MissConductUS · 18/09/2019 21:08

I wish I was there and I would have said to you "no no there is some research pointing towards something in it"

Utterly incorrect, but thanks for propagating the harmful misinformation.

winniestone37 · 18/09/2019 21:19

She wants you to apoligise in front ofcthe other mums? She encouraged another mum to potentially kill her child? Leave it where it is and tell her what she eas suggesting was destructive and irresponsible.

Celestine70 · 18/09/2019 21:25

I wouldn't apologise you just spoke your mind, she can deal with it she is a grown up.

tommyshaircut · 18/09/2019 21:29

She wants you to apologise in front of the others because it will confirm to her that she is right. She is wrong, dangerously wrong. I don't even think she's upset, she's just miffed that you didn't agree with her nonsense. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

FelicisNox · 18/09/2019 21:31

I have zero tolerance for that level of ignorance either so do not apologise.

It doesn't matter if you hurt her feelings. You're both adults and you're both entitled to your opinions.

I understand why you walked off: you can't argue with that type of stupid and it would have escalated in front of the other mums and possibly kids so I think you were right to walk away.

It's also not necessary to listen to her idiotic "logic" on the topic. You're not duty bound and it's not rude.

You've said your piece and that's enough, if she persists you could say you're sorry if you came across as brash but you have ultra strong views on vaccines, you consider her attitude dangerous and ignorant and there is no way you will be apologising in front of anyone because 1) you don't apologise when you are not sorry and 2) from what you heard the other mums agreed with you.

She's cavalier at best and downright dangerous at worst. I've no time for such awful people and applaud you for being so upfront.

chickenyhead · 18/09/2019 21:32

"I wish I was there and I would have said to you "no no there is some research pointing towards something in it"

And you too would be a laughing stock so good swerve there.

Just no. No excuse for not knowing the facts on this. Please read this...
www.autism.org.uk/get-involved/media-centre/position-statements/mmr-vaccine.aspx