To think that social skills need to be given more emphasis at school?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I don't mean just teaching children about kindness and good manners but more than that.

I've been lucky and both of my DDs have been naturally good at socialising but a number of my friends have children who struggle. Not due to spectrum disorders but they're just not naturally socially skilled.

That tricky line between knowing how and when to approach other children, how to relate well...I strongly believe that some people are born with an innate skill in this area and others are not...I wasn't. I've always struggled...my DH is skilled socially...I can see the difference.

I think that lunchtime supervisors should be more qualified and that they should be paid more.

There should be way more emphasis on it in general...I'm not sure HOW it can be taught but feel that it could be.

I can see where my friends DC struggle...I see what they do wrong...but only because I'm an adult now. As a child I was probably similar...this came up in my mind because yesterday my friend was in tears in my kitchen over her DD who has no friends despite being a very sweet and caring little girl she's always rejected by her peers.

Surely this could be fixed? I see it with another friend and her DS and my niece...am I being silly?

Then parents can just get to have fun and cuddles when with their kids. Honestly, why is that parents feel less and less responsible for teaching their kids skills that they should have learned from their parents themselves?

I do think it's time that parents need to be held accountable tbh. So teachers can get on an teach. Kids bring home work from reception now to do at home. This just didnt happen. Sometimes the amount if homework.my dds have brought home has been enough to make me wonder what the hell they did all day for this much to still need doing.

I do think that schools should support those who need it with things but I do also think maybe if schools were able to approach individual parents. To hold them.more accountable rather than just introduce blanket policy after blanket policy maybe then there would be more time for teaching and neglectful parents would no longer be able to hide amongst the blankets.

Dd1 has a kid in her class at Seville dary who is regularly disruptive and if hes not disrupting the class hes falling asleep. Blanket emails arent the answer here surely

Secondary

Jeez weird auto correct there 😬

Surely this would come much earlier than school. DD is 13 months has some developmental issues from birth trauma. Not permanent fortunately, just a bit behind where she's been poorly. She's very bright but only just crawling and is quite cautious around other children. I've noticed this so have taken her to a private physio to encourage her physical development and we are in tbr process of looking at some nursery hours to increase the time she spends with other children - we also facilitate this but now all the mums we know (including me) are back at work it's more tricky. Parents are reluctant to consider if their children need more support and to seek this out even at a cost.

"It takes a village to raise a child" is one if my faviurite sayings.

Maybe rather than judging the social skills of this child, whose mother she is apparently close to, OP could help teach her?

My kids' infant school is brilliant at supporting social skills. I actually moved my kids school because my eldest, while flying academically, was struggling massively socially and the school had the attitude that they didn't care as she was doing OK on the numbers the school were bothered about. Moved her school and she had some small group social skills time, nurture group and general support when they saw issues arising - and she absolutely thrived (in all areas - including academically). That school is utterly amazing in that kind of regard though - have a staff member on duty specifically allocated to trying to focus and direct any children struggling and initiate playground games to get them included and the midday supervisors are also generally very very good in that regard as well.

Not having anywhere near as good a time now the eldest's moved to juniors where the attitude is "sort it out and get on with your work" - I suspect things may well unravel for my eldest at some point in the next few months.

The thing is - I can teach all the social niceties like please and thank you, looking at people when you're speaking to them etc - but some kids DO need more support than others in navigating the ins and outs of getting along with 30 other kids (or more if there are multiple classes in a year group) which do require some input from a school setting to help facilitate. My other child is less academically stellar - but socially she's just a different creature and much more naturally skilled in that area.

Ideally it would be parents but there must be loads of parents who struggle socially themselves. I know plenty of adults who only talk in monologue and don't really know how to listen to another person and have a real conversation. I think some people do need to be taught these things. It must be easier to learn stuff like this when young

This is the parents' job. You cannot expect school to mop up all the problems a child might potentially have. Schools do a lot to help with relationships and friendships already, or the good ones do.

I agree with you Kuponut. It is easier theoretically for schools to help support children who lack social skills because a) they can see them interacting (or not) with their peer group all day b) they are supposed to have the understanding of children to know how they interact well with peers and c) they have the objectivity that parents don't have about their own children.

Whether or not they have the time is a different question but rather than teaching four-five year olds to read, why don't they concentrate on helping with their social snd practical skills then and wait until later to focus on reading and writing, like they do in other countries, who have better literacy levels.

It's all very well saying it's all down to the parents but what if they have terrible social skills too and weren't taught by their parents. I did all the play dates, socialising with antenatal groups, after school clubs etc. But didn't have great social skills myself so couldn't teach my older son where he was going wrong as I didn't know myself. My younger son interacts effortlessly.

I really think parents need to take some responsibility for their children.

Schools can only do so much. Sadly too many parents couldn’t give a shit and the increase in screen parenting is really sad.

BlackCat you're obviously able to give your DD what she needs...but a baby isn't what I'm talking about here. It's more about older children and the challenges some of them face in school. I did take mine to a few toddler groups but mine were not socialised a LOT...however they are naturally good in social situations.

My friend's child was taken to lots of activities, my friend is very skilled socially but her child is called "Weird" by her peers. She has no special needs at all...she's just struggling socially.

FeelBetterFOrIt WHERE have I judged my friend or her child?? My friend is in bits over her child's struggle and I HAVE been helping her.

This is where the discussion came from originally! My talking it over with my friend! I talked about my own issues as a child with her...so she might understand her child better.

This is the PARENTS job.

School is there to teach subjects like maths, English, history. Not to bring up your children.

Ted bless you. What do you think schools have activities such as plays, sports and games for? They're not for academic purposes. School is about FAR more than teaching maths, English and History.

My children's primary school was good for this- they had a nurture group for children who were struggling socially and they learned techniques there, friendship benches etc.

The other thing that has really brought on my children's social development has been Duke of Edinburgh scheme, doing volunteering and things like that which makes them interact with other age groups/different types of people. It has given them a huge amount of confidence in social interaction even though one of them is instinctively quite shy.

I have also taught social skills myself- in our house, if you go to a restaurant, or even to get an ice-cream, the child always asked themselves and said thank you. No asking, no ice-cream. It taught them how to be direct and ask for things politely in company. Same for friendships- learning how to be a good friend is something that can be cultivated, don't let people down, don't bitch or form cliques, make time for friends and always reply to them. Other skills are making conversation, speaking in public (again, doing voluntary work or work experience is great for this).

One of my children was naturally introverted and I think had she not had lots of opportunities and a bit of encouragement she would have struggled socially- now she speaks in public, is confident dealing with adults, is taking on interviews/work experience, this stuff can be taught (to most people, some may require more skilled intervention).

In your friend's case I would encourage her to have faith in her daughter, encourage her to follow her interests (so if she's a bit geeky, hang in geeky places, even online to get her confidence up), clamp down on any bullying, and encourage her to take part in activities that might accidentally include social skills (e.g. helping out in volunteer activities, reading to primary kids).

Also, encourage her to see that this isn't a fixed problem, but will change as she goes to college and then possibly university. Many people don't fit in the popularity contest that is secondary school, but can still go on to make good friends later in life.

Sometimes the environment/combination of DC just doesn't suit some kids...I was friends with the DC on my street, and the girls I did gymnastics with, but was bullied/had few school friends all through primary school.
Then I went to secondary school and had an avarage amount of friends and was happy, then in year 10 we switched to option blocks from forms and I was suddenly really popular

If I could afford it and had a shy DC would encourage a DC with not many friends into lots of afterschool clubs in the hope of finding some DC they clicked with.

Ive seen crazy ott extrovert kids &
introverted &everything in between..most do just fine if parents stop worrying&let them be as social as they want(or not!)..Regardless most become reclusive&withdrawn a bit as teens,form their own tribes..people worry too much.Resilience &being able to tolerate your own company need to be presented in this world of mindnumbing&constant connectivity..social skills are the last thing id expect schools to stick their hand up for tbh.Its my job as a parent..id rather schools focus on quality education.

I know someone who had a child with very poor social skills, She sort of tried to shield him as much as possible. He had some non standard behaviours as did my DS but she was very much a celebrator of the individual. I took a different tack made sure DS should never be ashamed of who he was but literally said to fit in with the majority this is more what they would do, wear etc. I was very clued up and wanted to know because I had been that painfully quiet child at school. I changed as I got older after meeting a girl at school who was incredibly sociable and became my friend plus she protected me from the bullies.

@HennyPennyHorror

Ordinarily I would have let your sarcastic 'bless you' comment go.

But I am fed up of listening to the ever growing list of what people expect of teachers and schools.

Manners, behaviour, social skills, friendships are YOUR job.

And if they're not, what exactly is your job.

I can teach (and have done) my children social niceties like "please" and "thank-you", but I cannot teach them about all the "in between the lines" stuff, all the social messages which are not spelled out literally, because I cannot do that stuff myself.

If I'd been able to do this stuff as a child I might not have been socially excluded.

As it was, isolation at school meant that I wasn't able to learn this stuff from my peers. And the further behind I fell in my social skills, the more I was ostracised ... because, of course, in normal life, however we may express it, we don't view this as being a well intentioned person lacking a skill, we view them as someone being deliberately unpleasant.

So I think some facility for teaching this stuff to those kids who can't learn it from their parents would be useful.

Could you volunteer to go into a school and teach social skills to children, OP?

Other than that, I’m struggling to find a solution to the problem.

I was a painfully shy child, made one or two friends but often alone. My parents tried, my teachers tried, but I'm not sure you can just teach everyone to be amazing at socialising. I just couldn't do the things my parents suggested. I grew into myself as I got older and picked up social skills from life experiences.

Other than that, I’m struggling to find a solution to the problem

Is it a problem though? Really?

I mean maybe theres a reason they dint feel.able to approach people. Theres a good chance they haven't told anyone . You or the teacher as they dont think they will be believed or they are the very kid that's invisible to everyone so no one will care.

All these more forced interactions,.sometimes all that does is put the burden on the child to then accept and go along with the suggestions..sometimes from.kids who are often mean to them. So what you have is a situation where the the child looks to be the one rejecting the other kids and the bullies come out as looming like the victims as they offered and were rejected

You atent always going to get on with 30 other kids. Sometimes you just have nothing in common

I have very good social skills but was a shy child and even today although I can address audiences ( have given 1700 talks/conferences since the 1990s) and talk well to others I meet I still prefer days alone. I don't think we should force every child against their nature to be the life and soul of the party. I regard it as a huge life advantage that I like my own company and understand myself.

We may be muddling different things however. Children in school or home could certainly be taught how to talk better, look people in the eye, shake hands on meeting someone, learn to relate to others (I did speech and drama exams and that kind of thing that helped).

I thinks there is something innate about it.

Dd is like a previous posters DC. She was happy at primary to play with others and if she didn't want to do what they wanted she would play by herself. She wasn't upset about this. She has now found her tribe at secondary but will go to the library and read at lunchtime if that's what she wants to do.

Ds is the opposite, he knows how to fit in. He's less of a sheep than he was at primary but can adapt to different types of friends. He's always been part of the 'popular' boys and just gets social situations with peers. He was less good with adults but that's something we've worked on. Dd on the other hand has always been good with adults.