To think that social skills need to be given more emphasis at school?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I don't mean just teaching children about kindness and good manners but more than that.

I've been lucky and both of my DDs have been naturally good at socialising but a number of my friends have children who struggle. Not due to spectrum disorders but they're just not naturally socially skilled.

That tricky line between knowing how and when to approach other children, how to relate well...I strongly believe that some people are born with an innate skill in this area and others are not...I wasn't. I've always struggled...my DH is skilled socially...I can see the difference.

I think that lunchtime supervisors should be more qualified and that they should be paid more.

There should be way more emphasis on it in general...I'm not sure HOW it can be taught but feel that it could be.

I can see where my friends DC struggle...I see what they do wrong...but only because I'm an adult now. As a child I was probably similar...this came up in my mind because yesterday my friend was in tears in my kitchen over her DD who has no friends despite being a very sweet and caring little girl she's always rejected by her peers.

Surely this could be fixed? I see it with another friend and her DS and my niece...am I being silly?

Like most - it's a lovely thought, but there are only so many hours in the day.
It is a parent's responsibility, in the same way it is down to the parents to educate their dc in so many things often suggested that schools could teach - from budgeting to sexual health, from cooking to first aid. Of course, the issue lies in that so many parents don't or won't or can't.

That is a bigger issue for "society". Everything can't be placed on schools.

The best thing we did for our DS when he was in infant school was to put him in drama club. He had friends (who still are now - he's 12 years old) but was very shy. He's done drama in some form since he was 5 years old.

It taught him to speak up, that people were interested in what he was saying and made him part of a group.

He now goes to a summer school for acting and took on a big part this year - so much so that the group awarded him a 'soon to be team leader' award.

At his secondary school he's making his mark. He has a medical issue that means he's slow at running but he makes up for it with a very strategic mind. He can 'see' how games are panning out. So he makes the decisions about who is placed where, who's going to do a run in games like Capture The Flag. He came home today to say he was asked by the boys to do this today and they beat the girls 4-0. Drama gives him confidence, a quiet confidence, but people have said they sense that in him.

London I actually taught drama for some time and I found it was a common thing...parents of shy or socially awkward kids putting them in drama and the majority of them struggled hugely. It wasn't my failing...my colleagues reported the same issues.

Your DS must have had some natural skills or you caught it young enough...these kids were usually over 9 in age.

Then surely most of what you are suggesting could be covered by being shit hot on bullying.

No kid shy or confident is gonna wanna go ask for something or go join in with a game with kids who the day before were calling them slutty Sarah and laughing about the size of your nose the day before.

I think.if you tackle bullying and behaviour then that could go some way to helping with the rest.

Sarah yes that's probably something. It's so tricky....I wish I could just send my mate's DD out for a day with my younger DD and have her be coached or something! Mentoring for her might actually work but DD is older and doesn't want to hang out with her much at all.

Basically, as a small child he felt everyone was his friend and was happy to play with anyone, provided they wanted to play what he wanted to do. If not, then he was happy to do it on his own

I have a DC like this. They're amazing, but they can be hard work in some ways socially. On the flip side, they know what they want, are confident and can articulate issues. So I don't want to have that inner confidence knocked.

My DN is really quite shy in comparison. My DC will be first hands up, volunteer for everything, kid at the front of the crowd trying desperately to be noticed. My DN will hang back and views going on stage or being picked from the audience as the worst thing ever. But DN has brilliant negotiation skills and can 'read a room' in a way my DC will quite probably never be able to.

They have a brilliant relationship as cousins. It's not always friction-free but it is lovely to watch.

There are as many 'useful' social skills as there are children, and they all need something different.

I agree with PP it's a parenting job. You know your DC, you have the responsibility to see where the rough edges need smoothing, where the work needs to be done. Schools - with the best will in the world - do not cater to the individual.

There’s no innate skill, it’s picked up externally.
It really does have an innate component. I have one with ASD and one who has always charmed everyone. DH and I have nothing to teach the social whizz. We have no idea where the skills come from.

there are lots of things that can be learned quickly. Do you call them life skills? Some of them take only minutes to grasp and can save years of awkwardness.

Imagine if nobody had ever told you that you can sharpen a pencil? Or how to gracefully accept a compliment? Or what to say when somebody says "hello, how are you?"

It's no good saying they are innate. If you went to China or Iceland you would have to learn a new, and different, set.

Piglet I do think some people are born and are simply better at socialising than others. Take my DD's...I was and am shy and don't like social situations much so I barely socialised with them as toddlers.

They still had great social skills.

henny honestly, I think I'd far rather have a child who struggled to speak to people sometimes or who was just quiet. Theres nothing wrong with being like that and the chances are at some point in their lives they will find their people. Make that connection.

It's a far better option than having a child who is really sociable but cant really tell when people are taking the piss and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt no matter how many times they have pushed you or laughed at you or kicked a football.in your face. I have one of those. It's not always as good as you might think.

Very true pigletjohn - we have had to teach social skills to Ds - he knows how to react if he has been in a similar situation before and if not we need to practice - he does not just pick up social skills, his sister does though, never had to talk her through a social situation.

All those people saying it isn't up to the school - well, why not? Primary is supposed to be a holistic education which involves life skills as well as academic learning. If your child had ASD one of the key ways of teaching social skills is to work with the child within a group. A parent can't teach it unless they have access to a group of children who are willing to go along with it. SO OP, no, YANBU

Lunchtime supervisors? We don’t gave them any more, all due to the cuts in school budgets. Paid more? See earlier comment- I’m not being paid or given extra lunchtime for the day I now do dinner duty. Everyone who voted Tory should be thanked heartily for this current situation.

Parents may actually need to accept that perhaps they need to do some parenting in the 18 hours a day I don’t have the children in school. Not every child struggling with social skills has SEND: many have spent too long staring at a screen while in a pushchair, never had the chance to negotiate with peers as a parent immediately steps in or had basic social skills modelled. In the case of SEND of course schools need to support, but in most cases it really should be a parenting role.

There are specialist programmes for young people with autism, for example. But there’s a shortage of specialist staff and funding. Nice idea, never going to get the funding, along with the multitude of other nice ideas the education system can’t deliver because they don’t have the money or trained staff.

Queen really?? No lunchtime supervisors? I'm not in the UK any more...can't imagine a primary school playground with no help! Is that normal in primary schools now then? Or just some?

"Well they're a place we think fit to send our children for the majority of their time!"

That may be true it for most parents it's not a conscious choice, it's just what's normal/accepted.

The curriculum is already incredibly narrow, turning out clones with he name narrow academic education and the system IMO (I work in school with troubled teens) is already damaging to those children who are a bit different - the kinds of differences that may have been celebrated in the past now mean they don't fit with the requirements of the school.

Now you want defined set of "targets" for how a child's personality should be? Because as soon as school are charged with doing anything, there is paper work and progress to be monitored.

I know parents have responsibility too.

Parents have ultimate responsibility for teaching their DC good social skills, resilience and a good work ethic.
Schools support parents in all of the above.

Shock news - parents can also teach children! I know! Shocked.

They're in school 37 weeks a year and 6 hours of that day.

The majority of their time is spent at home. Parents have a far, far bigger impact on how a child turns out than school does.

But that's inconvenient as it's not a responsibility that can be offloaded elsewhere and blamed on others.

Henny this was drummed into us from 10
ish onwards:
Look people in the eye and smile
Ask them a question about themselves
Listen
Do not talk about yourself all the time.
It is easy to be shy. Not an option.
Sounds harsh but very effective. One sister naturally shy as a child. She now has a top job involving dealing with and hosting royalty politicians a listers and the wealthiest families in the country

social skills should be taught at school, budgeting should be taught at school, sexual health should be taught at school. Should be just increase school day by another 3 or 4 hours, so that all teaching kids need is provided by the school.

Then parents can just get to have fun and cuddles when with their kids. Honestly, why is that parents feel less and less responsible for teaching their kids skills that they should have learned from their parents themselves?

Parents job not school.

Absolutely swing. It’s pathetic. School teaches maths etc everything else should be on us. Infantilising that parents look to schools to parent. That’s our job !

In many primary schools it will be the teachers rotating lunchtime duties now, rather than lunch time supervisors.

I do think schools should have some kind of role in this, but equally I don't think schools should micromanage kids friendships, for example. I do think for younger kids having the chance to practise things like turn taking and losing gracefully (and winning gracefully), speaking confidently to adults and so on would be good.

But what would you take out of the curriculum to make room for this?

Social skills can be taught in school. They are a major part of ds's educational needs on his ehcp. I can't teach him this out of school because I have no access to a suitable peer group for him.
It would be nice if there was something for something for those who find this difficult but don't have the high level of need that has official recognition - like a play leader type arrangement - but most schools have no money for this.