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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend has made me feel disgusting for having a cold sore, who is BU?

301 replies

PandorasCrocs · 16/09/2019 11:53

Video call to a man I've been dating last night and I mentioned having a cold sore on my lip that was slightly annoying. He reacted in judgement, made me feel frankly disgusting and said he thought I would have told him I get cold sores. He's concerned etc. Do I get them elsewhere.

I've had two in my entire life, cue me telling him to do some research because it's very common and it's not an STD.

Aibu to be hurt by his ignorant reaction or is he BU? He's made me feel quite dirty to be honest.

Are you supposed to disclose to a new partner that you've ever had a cold sore?

I'm a bit WTF to be honest. It has soured the mood and I'm due to see him this evening.

OP posts:
Lvsel · 16/09/2019 16:41

Cold sores are herpes on the mouth. Can never get rid of it but doesnt appear so often and is popular. I get them too

Dont give oral sex whilst you have one because the recepiant will get genital herpes

SoyDora · 16/09/2019 16:43

Cold sores are an STD

So how are you suggesting my 4 year old contracted them? Hmm

sheshootssheimplores · 16/09/2019 16:47

And my four year old has an STD too does he?

Fuck off you ignorant morons.

Lvsel · 16/09/2019 16:48

OP I get cold sores too and he had no right to act like you're dirty because you are not but I would have told him. I tell all my partners I get them. When I feel a tingle I wont go near anyone.

People on here harsh though, dumping someone for a cold sore is a but dramatic

BenWillbondsPants · 16/09/2019 16:52

No-one can make you feel anything; it's how you respond.
Please educate yourself as an adult around herpes.

@DiBPD1979Is that you Katie Hopkins? That's such a shit thing to say and utter bollocks too. You can't be unkind to someone then blame them for being hurt, that's just a cop-out to behave like an arsehole and absolve yourself from blame.

And considering the OP said that she wouldn't kiss him or give him oral sex, in what way do you consider her to be uneducated?

TheDarkPassenger · 16/09/2019 16:53

Yeha you should have told him really, I mean if you’d sucked him off anytime recently he could have genital herpes. Not nice and I would be furious if you were a new partner!

perplexedagain · 16/09/2019 16:56

I think about 70% of the population has been exposed to the cold sore virus but not everyone gets outbreaks. I get them. I hate them and wish people took more care not to transit the virus - I got mine when I was a child I assume from a family member kissing me goodbye or something..

Anyway you probably know this but - no kissing / no oral sex until completely gone so yeah partner needs to know BUT think he has over-reacted a bit ....

mrsjackrussell · 16/09/2019 17:21

It's his reaction I would be worried about. How nasty to make you feel rotten like that.

Iv been with my dh 26 yrs and me nor my dc has ever caught a cold sore from him.

InsertFunnyUsername · 16/09/2019 17:37

I do think his reaction is a bit mean. I dont think I have ever told people I'm dating I suffer from cold sores, or had any negative comments.

I did try putting off my first date with DP because I had a massive one on my lip, when I eventually told him it was because I had a cold sore Blush he said lucky he doesn't kiss on the first date and told me not to be stupid Star 7 years later I've never gave him one, so I do think his reaction is dramatic.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 16/09/2019 17:37

A pp said they would not date a man who suffered with cold sores. I'm so glad I didwhave that attitude or I would have missed out on almost 40 years of marriage to my lovely Dh. Neither me, nor our dcs have ever had a cold sore. As long as you take extra care wet personal hygiene when you have an outbreak, and don't share towels etc, there is no reason why they should be passed on.

ChocolateTea · 16/09/2019 18:09

Sitting here with a current hsv1 flare up on my genitals, I kind of get his pov. But he was an arsehole about it

I contracted hsv1 from my partner. He had no outward signs of a cold sore. Turns out you can pass it on through mouth ulcers/sores/cuts and not just the traditional looking coldsore. I contracted it through oral sex. The last 5.5 years there are times it doesn't affect me. But there are other times, like now, when I am off work and really ill, and can't really explain to them what it is for fear of stigmatism, that I wish I knew more of the risks.

Hsv1 can be passed without any active sores. So he is putting himself at a known risk. Granted many carry the virus and he wouldn't have a clue, and he was an arse how he asked, but legit question

NitrousOxide · 16/09/2019 18:16

If you're going to be sniffy, then by all means be sniffy about both. But I don't understand how you can be sniffy about genital herpes but ok with it elsewhere on the body.

I completely agree. My ex had genital herpes although he never had an outbreak while we were together. We were always super careful anyway, so I never to my knowledge caught it.

He told me he got loads of grief from women he was interested in, even women who’d had coldsores. It’s almost as if they thought they were superior because their herpes sores were on their mouths rather than their genitals.

I hope the ‘it’s just a coldsore’ posters are as blasé about genital herpes as they are about oral herpes. Otherwise they’re just hypocrites.

Blobbyweeble · 16/09/2019 18:18

I had a couple of cold sores when I was a teenager, I’m now in my 50s and haven’t had one since I was 15. I don’t think I’ve ever told my DH of 30 years that I had two cold sores back when I was a child, I can’t imagine he would be interested.

Wildthyme · 16/09/2019 18:51

Can't wait for you lot to find out about whitlows.

Derbee · 16/09/2019 20:02

Worth mentioning Epstein–Barr virus to anyone who is concerned about the herpes virus.

95% of adults have antibodies against EBV, which means they’ve been infected with the virus at some point in their life.

Kinkybutkind · 16/09/2019 20:31

Just for anyone concerned about cold sores being a sexually transmitted disease..

This from the NHS:
Tests for herpes aren't usually done unless you have sores on your genitals or anus. In this case, a swab will be taken from a sore. This will be uncomfortable for a moment.

You might have clear results from any clinic check but the WONT have been tested for HSV 1 or 2. Anyone wonder why??

JustTwoMoreSecs · 16/09/2019 20:35

Even if you have cold sores through no fault of your own it is not BU from a potential partner to expect to be aware that they are at risk of catching it!

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 16/09/2019 20:44

I just want to know if she's dumped him yet....

Skyecat · 16/09/2019 21:18

There is no legal obligation to disclose herpes simplex virus type 1 or 2 anywhere on the body. This can be confirmed by referring to the Crown prosecution service guidelines on 'intentional or reckless sexual transmission of infection'.

If the person you are dating is concerned, then may I suggest he gets an IgM blood test before saying or doing anything else. 6 in 10 people in the UK carry hsv1.

On the issue of whether one should morally disclose, please bear in mind oral hsv1 can be transmitted during oral sex with or without symptoms and that in the last few years around 70% of new genital hsv infections have been type 1 (NHS statistics and many young people who have not acquired it orally).

Interestingly, while secondary genital hsv1 outbreaks and asymptomatic shedding are generally very infrequent, and in fact there are no known cases of genital hsv1 transmission to another person's genitals, there is the perception that carriers should disclose based based on the location on their infection, even though those with oral infections are far more likely to transmit.

Hsv1 and 2share around 85% genetic material and over 50% dna, so both strains behave the same.In short, hsv is more active on the face and hsv2 is more active on the genitals in accordance with their preferred locations.

I think your boyfriend needs to educate himself on the stigma, and as a couple,if you want to stay with him, learn how the risk of transmission can be reduced.

Take a look at the website of the herpes viruses association. They can tell you lots about asymptomatic shedding etc.

TwatCat · 16/09/2019 21:27

It would be a deal breaker for me too. I've been with DH 23 years and neither of us has ever had a cold sore. I find them incredibly gross even though I know more than half the adult population has the virus. My reaction would probably be the same as his in all honesty.

DawgLover · 16/09/2019 21:31

Twatcat What company did you get tested with?

Derbee · 16/09/2019 21:38

@TwatCat you may well have just been lucky that a dormant infection has never flared up. Presumably if it ever does, you’ll end your marriage? Confused

Derbee · 16/09/2019 21:40

And presumably you’ve never had or been near anyone who has had glandular fever

Xitt · 16/09/2019 21:57

And my four year old has an STD too does he?
Coldsores/herpes CAN be sexually transmitted. It’s not the ONLY way to transmit it.

TwatCat · 16/09/2019 22:05

@Derbee not after 23 years and only only having each other as partners no, but if it was a new relationship it would be a deal breaker. And if after 23 years of being together he had a cold sore then yes, I would still find it incredibly gross.
What I find disgusting, you may not and vice versa. It's my thoughts on it. And I'm not the only one so it would seem.

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