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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend has made me feel disgusting for having a cold sore, who is BU?

301 replies

PandorasCrocs · 16/09/2019 11:53

Video call to a man I've been dating last night and I mentioned having a cold sore on my lip that was slightly annoying. He reacted in judgement, made me feel frankly disgusting and said he thought I would have told him I get cold sores. He's concerned etc. Do I get them elsewhere.

I've had two in my entire life, cue me telling him to do some research because it's very common and it's not an STD.

Aibu to be hurt by his ignorant reaction or is he BU? He's made me feel quite dirty to be honest.

Are you supposed to disclose to a new partner that you've ever had a cold sore?

I'm a bit WTF to be honest. It has soured the mood and I'm due to see him this evening.

OP posts:
TwatCat · 16/09/2019 22:08

@Derbee no, neither myself or DH has ever had glandular fever, or to my knowledge been around someone who has.

TwatCat · 16/09/2019 22:11

We also both have CMV negative blood

puppymouse · 16/09/2019 22:14

DH gets them on his upper lip although hasn't one in a long time. He can recognise the feeling before they appear if he has one brewing and sometimes nip it in the bud. I won't kiss him or share towels when it appears.

He shouldn't have made you feel bad about it but much better to know now if he has an issue and then you know he probably isn't the guy for you?

DawgLover · 16/09/2019 22:18

Cmv is yet another part of the herpes family, but separate from the virus that causes coldsores or the one that causes chickenpox.

Unless you have been specifically tested for HSV-1 or HSV-2 the likelihood is that you have it and are part of the majority of carriers who dont have physical symptoms.

All types of carriers can potentially pass the virus when a blister isnt present.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 16/09/2019 22:28

I've got one right now....want a picture? It's proper crusty and everything

BenWillbondsPants · 16/09/2019 22:35

Goodness. It's a cold sore on her lip, not the ebola virus.

DH has had them occasionally since he was a little boy. Thank goodness I got to know him 20 years ago and didn't judge him for having a cold sore or my life would be very different.

TwatCat · 16/09/2019 22:45

Well mine and DH's blood is always sent for neonatal use. We both get the "oooh you have special blood" comments off the blood service workers. I'm pretty certain you can't donate blood to neonates if you have HSV1 or 2. That's how I know we are both CMVneg.

Rachie1973 · 16/09/2019 22:46

Good grief. What a fuss. I get cold sores if I have a cold or something. I know the early signs and slap the zorvirax on. 1 of my kids also gets them. The other 5 don’t, and my DH has never had one either.

I’m careful when one is active to make sure I follow all hygiene rules, but the whole blow job thing ffs. No one does that. They hurt. Lol.

I’m clearly riddled with herpes. I’ve had cold sores, chickenpox and glandular fever. I’m feeling a little like Typhoid Mary tonight lol

Rachie1973 · 16/09/2019 22:47

Twatcat. But you can donate breastmilk.

I'm pretty certain you can't donate blood to neonates if you have HSV1 or 2. That's how I know we are both CMVneg.

Skyecat · 16/09/2019 23:00

@TwatCat hsv antibodies are present in blood, but the virus itself is not found in blood, it lives in nerve ganglia.

As an aside, when babies are in the womb of mothers who carry hsv1 or two, or both, they recieve temporary antibodies. These antibodies stay until breastfeeding stops. Then these babies become susceptible to catching the virus just like any other baby.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 16/09/2019 23:03

Personally, I think chicken pox is incredibly grim - all those scratchy sores and scarring after - SO glad I never had it.

Also thrush, I mean EW, all that itching. Never had that either and would be a bit Hmm about being near women who have it. You probably can't catch it through proximity but still.

Oh and headlice, massive dealbreaker for friendships for me. I have never had them and would ditch any friend who did, so unhygienic.

Ditto cystitis, never had that either. Just ick.

Calyx72 · 16/09/2019 23:04

OP sympathy from me. I had the same exact reaction when dating after my divorce. The chap was lovely but it turned out had ocd about viruses. I turned up for a date with the beginning of a coldsore on my top lip and the reaction was just like your date.

He was angry I hadn't put it on my dating profile (!) or told him right away. He said he couldn't be with me and we stopped seeing each other. Longer than 6 months later he sent me a photo of blisters on his scalp and blamed me for them Confused. I replied saying it looked like shingles not coldsore virus and I hadn't touched him with anything like a coldsore so that was impossible. He paid for private tests and got back to me saying I would be relieved to hear (Hmm) that he had shingles and it wasn't anything coldsore related.

It was depressing though as I feel very low when I get them and I have always been very careful when I get the buzz/tingly feeling before it comes up.

However my next date was totally cool and said he didn't mind, his Mum gets them but he never has, we have been dating nearly 5 years and we got engaged last month, will be married next year. So so so happy and just had to say please don't let your experience put you off dating or put you off yourself ThanksSmile

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 16/09/2019 23:04

OP in all seriousness if you get cold sores, a neonatal nurse in NICU when DS was born told me to use echinacea tablets and really max out on them at the first sign of a tingle. She said that was what everyone on her team did and it seems to work!

Skyecat · 16/09/2019 23:11

I should add, this applies to the first and second trimester. Transmission in the third sector doesn't leave enough time for this antibody transfer process to take place and is when c-sections are considered.

Shodan · 16/09/2019 23:17

Having a little LOL to myself here at those posters who are all ewwwwww yucky about this. Here's a true story for you...

I get cold sores. On my lower back. Never had one on my mouth. And I first got those cold sores when I was 45. My husband has never had them, I'd never kissed anyone with them (to my knowledge). When I expressed my puzzlement to the doctor he briskly informed me that a large proportion of the population carry it as a dormant virus and it can surface at any age.

At ANY age. So there you go. There's time for all you yuckers to get an active cold sore yet. Including, OP that charmer you are/were dating. Isn't that good to know?

StoppinBy · 17/09/2019 03:47

@mydoglife Why don't you tell that to people who catch the oral herpes virus in their genital area via............. you guessed it............ oral sex. Seeing as you caught it via sex I am guessing it can be kinda classifies as a sexually transmitted disease (or virus if that makes you feel better?)

DawgLover · 17/09/2019 07:09

I'm pretty certain you can't donate blood to neonates if you have HSV1 or 2.

You can. The only limitation is if you have an active blister at that time. So once again, from the rooftops, cut the hysterical shit- chances are you have it ass dormant virus.

And educate yourself if you plan to continue being so snotty.

NeverSayFreelance · 17/09/2019 07:48

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff you'd ditch friends because they had thrush or headlice? Bloody hell. Chances are your friends have had them and haven't told you. Who broadcasts that?

Also headlice aren't unhygienic, ffs.

DecomposingComposers · 17/09/2019 07:48

Quite a few posters saying that they, or their children, caught the herpes virus but don't know where from and they're kind of proving what the man in the op fears. If you don't know where you caught it from then it must be possible to contract it from someone who is asymptomatic otherwise you would know that you caught it from kissing so and so whilst they had a cold sore visible.

picklemepopcorn · 17/09/2019 07:50

Decomposing, no, it means that most people have it already, whether they know it or not.

Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 17/09/2019 07:54

I saw him last night and he tried to initiate kissing and was very obviously hoping we'd have sex, considering oral sex is very much a part of our sex life I'm now very Hmm. He didn't mention it, not a dicky bird, and it was like the conversation didn't happen.

I know he has now educated himself on it because he was googling it whilst we were on face time after I mentioned it

Very confused now why it was a huge deal the day before but then he's happy to put himself at risk

I didn't reciprocate for obvious reasons but how bizarre.

I'm now concerned though, because I've read about asymptomatic shedding, and we have had sex and alot of kissing in the week leading up to the outbreak

OP posts:
Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 17/09/2019 07:56

I'm still feeling embarrassed and slightly ashamed, I can already tell that if a cold sore did spring up on his face he would raise merry hell if his response the other night was anything to go by

OP posts:
LaLoba · 17/09/2019 07:59

This is one of those “only on MN” moments. Meanwhile, the rest of the population realises that many, many people get them, and aside from some obvious precautions, it’s just not a big deal.
If my husband had “disclosed” that he gets coldsores on our first date, I’d have found it quite strange!
Don’t let it put you off dating, OP. But do let it put you off this clown. As others have said, imagine how he’d react if you had a serious illness to deal with. And please ignore the more bizarre reactions on here, I have never seen anyone behave like this in real life!

Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 17/09/2019 08:02

And I dread to think anywhere else.

I was never embarrassed about the fact I've had cold sores until now, now I'm freaking out about the fact I've kissed both him and my DC over the past week, and I've had oral sex too.

OP posts:
LaLoba · 17/09/2019 08:02

Cross posted. Pandoras, the sudden flip makes him seem even worse. Trying to make you feel like shit for something out of your control, then acting like it didn’t happen. While clearly not actually being bothered at all by the risk of catching them.
Run like hell.

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