Boyfriend has made me feel disgusting for having a cold sore, who is BU?

[PandorasCrocs]

Video call to a man I've been dating last night and I mentioned having a cold sore on my lip that was slightly annoying. He reacted in judgement, made me feel frankly disgusting and said he thought I would have told him I get cold sores. He's concerned etc. Do I get them elsewhere.

I've had two in my entire life, cue me telling him to do some research because it's very common and it's not an STD.

Aibu to be hurt by his ignorant reaction or is he BU? He's made me feel quite dirty to be honest.

Are you supposed to disclose to a new partner that you've ever had a cold sore?

I'm a bit WTF to be honest. It has soured the mood and I'm due to see him this evening.

I used to avoid partners (married now) with cold sores because you get a sore when your immune system is down. I have quite severe immunity problems and didn't want to be dealing with frequent cold sores the rest of my life. It's my body, my life so my choice. Walk a mile in my shoes before you judge me. A lot of people think that I'm being a wuss about health. The medical professionals that know me think I'm very brave for everything I go through without complaining.

Having said that, he could have reacted respectfully, and he didn't. That would put me off.

Blimey I would have been single forever if everyone I met ran screaming from a cold sore.
I've suffered them all my life. Thankfully I managed to meet and marry a grown up.
Who in 30 odd years of marriage, I've never managed to transfer to, nor to our kids.
I keep a tube of cold sore cream to hand to treat them and act accordingly.
Stop with all the eeewing and uurghing and grow up.
It's a cold sore, not bloody leprosy.

Lot of ignorance here. The herpes viruses are DNA viruses that can integrate their DNA into the host's DNA and so they are latent and recurring infections. The Herpesviridae consists of over 100 different viruses, including 5 very common viruses: genital herpes, cold sores, chicken pox/shingles, glandular fever, and CMV. Chickenpox and glandular fever are both less severe if caught in childhood, the others less so. The 90% of people who test positive for herpes will have had one of these diseases at some point in their life, so if you've had chicken pox or glandular fever then you carry a herpes virus.

Cold sores can be passed to the genitals and genital herpes can be passed to the mouth region. But cold sores, most of the time, are not a severe disease, although for some individuals it can be, just like chickenpox can be a mild disease in many children but can cause major issues for the foetus during pregnancy or be very debilitating as shingles in old age.

@CountFosco it’s a shame mumsnet can’t put your post in bold at the top of the thread.

I don't have a problem with cold sores and no judgement. But the people being so blasé about them are often the people spreading them and they are common because of this.

Kissing, not washing hands, sharing cups and cutlery. Knowing you have one but trying on lipstick in a store. And on and on.

No one should be so blasé and that the most annoying thing on this thread. The op got it from her mother and her mother should have damn well known better than to kiss her kids with an active outbreak. That's nasty and unnecessary.

The boyfriend however sounds like a prick.

*Those who are drawing a distinction between oral cold sores and genital herpes, other than simply the labels applied to them: I'm curious to know what your distinction is.

I'd say they are both harmless viruses, which are carried by a high proportion of the population. If you're going to be sniffy, then by all means be sniffy about both. But I don't understand how you can be sniffy about genital herpes but ok with it elsewhere on the body.*

Actually, I agree with this. People are being quite blasé about this but you can get HSV1 on your genitals and there is such a thing as asymptomatic shedding.

I’m playing devils advocate a bit there because I certainly don’t think people with cold sores are dirty or that it’s a dumpable offence.

On the other hand, I think this guy is getting a hard time here! He probably doesn’t know much about the prevalence of cold sores. It’s not exactly a pleasant condition so he’s not unreasonable to safeguard his health and ask questions. He just could have chosen his words/tone a bit better.

HSV1 and 2 remain dormant in the local skin cells for life, so yeah, I'd want to know. Can't believe you haven't educated yourself around this. Really irresponsible.

namechangedbecauseithinkiabu I didn’t ask if you’d be sad, I asked if you would ‘freak out’.

He is now 12 and hasn’t had a cold sore for nine years.

When shall I break it to him that he must commit himself to a life of celibacy?

I get cold sores. Been with DH 20 years he’s never had one. Nor have any of my kids.

Most of you are missing the point.
It's not about whether oral herpes can cause genital herpes ( if can) or how many of us carry the virus asymptomatically ( lots)

The point is OPs bf was arsey and insulting and made her feel like shit.
That's not ok.

@cranstonmanor avoiding partners with cold sores does not mean you are avoiding partners with herpes though. Many people carry the virus without knowing so unless you have actually seen a negative blood test you don't know they don't carry or that you don't carry it yourself.

YABU OP.. For having a cold sore? Really?

He behaved like a twat, not the OP. DH has had the occasional one for as long as he can remember and that's not his fault. He's always very careful not to pass one on and it sounds like the OP is too. There's no need to make someone feel shit about something that isn't their fault.

The ironic thing is that for all the OP's bf knows he could be carrying it and wouldn't even know. Unless he has been tested which I doubt

For god sake it's a cold sore tell him to do one.

I suffer from cold sores and work in healthcare... everyone has come in contact with the herpes virus at some point in their life and I mean both types. Only a few will go on to develop sores, others are just carries of it.

He's just been lucky he hasn't developed in to the sores whether on his mouth or down below.

Tell him to get a grip!!

For god sake it's a cold sore tell him to do one.

I think this sums it up!

Some of these comments make me want to smash my face into a wall. How do some of you manage to get up in the morning and live in, you know, "the world"? Isn't anyone reading the statistics that others are posting, over and over, at just how widespread the simple mouth variety of coldsore is? TWO. THIRDS. OF THE POPULATION. You have probably shaken the hands of, or touched surfaces and lift buttons and pin pads and door handles that have just been touched by, sufferers of HSV1 who were absent mindedly rubbing their not-quite-healed sore a few moments before. Then you touched your own face or scratched your lip, boom, you're infected. That's how prevalent it is. If you wouldn't date someone with coldsores, you may as well stay indoors in a hazmat suit for the rest of your days.

@StoppinBy

Cold sores are an STD - what a load of bull!

He is. Dump him.

HSV1 yes the oral type. Genital herpes is HSV2
Both types can be caught on the mouth or genitals. If you have a cold sore you can transfer herpes to someone’s genitals, or even to your own genitals if you touch your mouth and then touch yourself. I’d like to see how casual you are about “it’s just a cold sore” if it got transferred to your lady parts and they were so swollen you couldn’t even put a finger in. It’s definitely something you should disclose before sexual contact.

cold sore virus is super common and NOT an indicator of Herpes
Cold sore virus IS herpes.

I’ve suffered from cold sores all my life and yes they are gross but if this bloke is so put off by them I’d tell him to do one. On the night I met DH I had a massive crusty cold sore and he was still keen!

Every so often I read a thread where I realise that there are some really uninformed people out there. People who really don't know the most simple things. And, the worst thing, the walk among us. 😂

OP, YANBU at all. He behaved like a right twat.

No-one can make you feel anything; it's how you respond.
Please educate yourself as an adult around herpes.

Sounds like he has done you a favour...at least you get to see how much of a twat he is and get rid of him before it turns into anything serious. If this is his reaction to a cold sore, what would his reaction be like to something serious?

I get cold sores once every couple of years, DH has never had them. First time I ever got one when I was with him I told him I thought I could feel one coming and as any sane person would he simply said ‘no bother babe, no kisses for me then’