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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend has made me feel disgusting for having a cold sore, who is BU?

301 replies

PandorasCrocs · 16/09/2019 11:53

Video call to a man I've been dating last night and I mentioned having a cold sore on my lip that was slightly annoying. He reacted in judgement, made me feel frankly disgusting and said he thought I would have told him I get cold sores. He's concerned etc. Do I get them elsewhere.

I've had two in my entire life, cue me telling him to do some research because it's very common and it's not an STD.

Aibu to be hurt by his ignorant reaction or is he BU? He's made me feel quite dirty to be honest.

Are you supposed to disclose to a new partner that you've ever had a cold sore?

I'm a bit WTF to be honest. It has soured the mood and I'm due to see him this evening.

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 17/09/2019 08:03

Decomposing, no, it means that most people have it already, whether they know it or not.

Anyone who has it has caught it from someone else. If you don't know who that was, because the cold sore wasn't apparent then they may have she'd the virus whilst being asymptomatic, which is what this man is afraid of.

There's at least 1 pp on here who says they've caught genital hsv1 from their partner whilst they were asymptomatic.

Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 17/09/2019 08:05

Yes it's a very strange 180 isn't it, I'm wondering whether he couldn't care less in all honestly and just wanted me to feel grubby and him a pristine human being devoid of germs.

I really really hope he doesn't get this, I'm legitimately worried now.

OP posts:
Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 17/09/2019 08:06

There's at least 1 pp on here who says they've caught genital hsv1 from their partner whilst they were asymptomatic

This is my main concern at the moment Sad

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 17/09/2019 08:06

I'm now concerned though, because I've read about asymptomatic shedding, and we have had sex and alot of kissing in the week leading up to the outbreak

So do you understand his fears now op?

SoyDora · 17/09/2019 08:07

Don’t panic. Chances are he’s already been infected with the virus and he’s asymptomatic.
I get them, DH has never had one. I assume he’s just one of the lucky ones who doesn’t show any symptoms.

MulticolourMophead · 17/09/2019 08:08

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff
Most women have had thrush, and you simply won't have any idea who has. Its an easily caught bacterial infection and not an sti. I had it after couple of bouts of d&v, and it's nothing to worry about.

As for headline, they don't just appear on dirty heads Hmm my DD caught them at school. It's pretty much a rite of passage in primary schools, and you just keep combing.

Both of these are so common it's not worth mentioning.

Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 17/09/2019 08:08

Should I be initiating another conversation as to what to look out for and what he needs to do if he does get an outbreak? Er herm.. down there.

What a fucking dilemma. Nothing for years and years and years and now this, because I'm feeling run down and it just so happens to be him as a potential recipient.

I've never been so bloody anxious about this

OP posts:
Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 17/09/2019 08:10

I do see his concerns yes and I always did, it was his delivery that upset me.

It looks like I'm more concerned than him now.

I've had 4 relationships since my teens when I last had an outbreak and AFAIK never passed it on. This would happen now with him wouldn't it Sad

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 17/09/2019 08:12

Its an easily caught bacterial infection and not an sti.

Thrush isn't a bacterial infection at all.

Why are people posting so much wrong information?

People are having a go at the man in the op for his ignorance but then going on to post their own incorrect information.

People saying cold sores aren't herpes - they are.

Cold sores aren't the same as genital herpes - they can be 1 and the same

You can't catch cold sores unless sore is visible - you can

LaLoba · 17/09/2019 08:14

So do you understand his fears now op?

He doesn’t have any fears, read OP’s update. He’s acting like nothing happened and trying to initiate sex. This is a controlling game to him. Making OP feel like shit for having a commonplace virus is ignoring the real issue here, which is that the bloke is being a manipulative twat.

OP, don’t initiate a conversation, if he was as concerned as he made out, he wouldn’t be trying to kiss you. Just run.

Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 17/09/2019 08:15

The reason I'm so worried, aside the fact I genuinely would never want to infect somebody, is I get the impression he as a person would be really angry and I'm not sure what he would do

OP posts:
Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 17/09/2019 08:18

Yes I don't think the relationship is going anywhere, I don't think it's going to work long term as he can be quite standoffish sometimes. It was a fling for the most part, at least for me. It has only been a few months and was yet to become serious.

I just hope he doesn't turn up at my door in weeks to come ranting about contracting genital herpes. Oh Jesus Christ.

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 17/09/2019 08:20

I get the impression he as a person would be really angry and I'm not sure what he would do

To be honest then, why are you with him? He doesn't sound like a good person to be in a relationship with if you fear his anger.

I don't blame him for being upset about the cold sore issue - as you now know there was a risk that you passed it on without knowing and that's something that you might have to deal with but yes, if I felt that strongly, I would have ended things there and then.

This doesn't sound like it's a good relationship.

Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 17/09/2019 08:21

Can anyone suggest what I do or say should that happen?

Even though he was clearly more nonchalant about the risk than he first made out, I have no doubt that if it became a reality then he would hit the roof

OP posts:
Upsiedasie · 17/09/2019 08:29

Reading your update, he is doesn’t actually seem that bothered about his health? Maybe after reading about it, he realised he was too harsh and that’s why he hasn’t mentioned it? Weird!

As for asymptomatic shedding, if he has caught it then it isn’t great for him but you can’t beat yourself up. You didn’t know. What are you supposed to do? Abstain just in case?

You’ve done the right thing by telling him you had an active cold sore and avoiding kissing etc now. There’s not much more you could do.

Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 17/09/2019 08:29

I think anybody would be angry, but he seems the sort to raise hell about it. I've only started seeing little indicators of a short fuse in recent weeks, and whilst never directed toward me, it's now obvious he would respond extremely negatively if he contracts genital herpes.

OP posts:
Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 17/09/2019 08:30

Yes I think there's nothing I can do about it now barring hope to god he doesn't get it Sad

OP posts:
MRex · 17/09/2019 08:32

"I'm very sorry, I hadn't known it could be passed on before getting a cold sore. There isn't anything i can do about it now, and I suggest we don't keep in touch with each other."

When my friend caught genital herpes from her boyfriend, who she hadn't been aware had it even though he knew he did, she was very upset. I'm not sure he could have said anything to make it better.

acatcalledjohn · 17/09/2019 08:32

Even though he was clearly more nonchalant about the risk than he first made out, I have no doubt that if it became a reality then he would hit the roof

You'd tell him to get to fuck, you told him about the cold sore as soon as you knew it, and it's not as if he knows whether he had the virus in the first place.

I get mouth ulcers instead, which is likely to be the cold sore virus. Oral sex (and normal kissing) just doesn't happen then. My DP is a germaphobe and is relaxed about this.

Perhaps because he bothers to educate himself.

Damntheman · 17/09/2019 08:55

OP he was being WILDLY unreasonable. Cold sores are not a problem for people who have actually educated themselves. The majority of the world wide population has some form of herpes anyway. Just don't share towels, cups, cutlery etc, and don't kiss when you've got one going on it's fine. My DH gets cold sores and I have yet to catch them in over a decade. My mother gets them - again, hasn't infected me in 35 years.

He was really cruel, he needs to apologise and I would frankly reconsider seeing him again.

Xitt · 17/09/2019 08:57

it's now obvious he would respond extremely negatively if he contracts genital herpes
To be fair I think everyone would respond negatively to catching genital herpes.

ethelfleda · 17/09/2019 09:07

He was being really fucking ignorant, OP. I’d have been really annoyed if someone reacted to me like that.

adaline · 17/09/2019 09:09

it's now obvious he would respond extremely negatively if he contracts genital herpes.

Is there anyone out there who WOULDN'T react negatively to that?!

ElspethFlashman · 17/09/2019 09:13

And you haven't dumped him yet WHY????

Lagatha · 17/09/2019 09:14

Just dump the idiot