To cancel my husband's secret sex toy for himself?

[Tacklesbarbie]

I've NC'd for this as it's quite revealing!

My DH and two DCs share an Amazon Prime account. We've recently ordered a lot of back to school stuff and I was checking order statuses today.

One of them was for what I initially thought was a vibrator as, until a few years ago my DH, on occasions, would 'surprise' me with a gift of one (I never requested it). Our sex life used to be great, but in recent years has got much less exciting due to work pressures and age etc, but recently picked up nicely on holiday.

When I looked more closely though it turned out to be a long vibrating tube designed to look like a vagina at the entrance which you obviously stick your penis into! I was mortified and repulsed and promptly cancelled it (it cost £42 from our joint account!).

As my DH set up the account all order notifications are emailed to him, so he must know what I've done, but has been extra breezy all day. We therefore both know what the other one knows but can't talk about it!

I can't help but feel absolutely reviled at the thought of him wanting to use this thing but, on reflection, AIBU? IME if a male partner discovered his female partner had ordered a vibrator he'd be thrilled and turned on, so you could argue why is the reverse so repulsive to me? There is just something desperate and emasculating about the idea of him using this thing, probably because we've typically used a vibrator as a part of the sex we've had together (I've rarely used one alone).

Just when I was thinking he found me sexy again and was looking forward to being intimate with him, this has made me recoil from him. He tried to instigate sex tonight and I've politely made excuses.

I feel really awkward about talking to him about it and definitely can't speak to friends about it either, so wondered what people on Mumsnet thought!

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If you've found this page in your search of the best couples sex toys that have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best sex toys for couples useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

It’s called a flesh light and it’s no weirder than a vibrator. No reflection on you or your bits, he just wants a toy too. Were your sex toys paid for from the joint account? Your reaction is very odd and I’d have a think about why you have a hierarchy of plastic fun in your head.
AnneLovesGilbert

Presumably because the vibrators were used by both of them for sex together, whereas the plastic vag is - well maybe I've just lived a sheltered life, but it's hard to imagine how the OP could be involved in the fun here.

If you've ever lost a job because of automation you might see parallels. Or if you understand the difference between sex that involves someone else and a toy and sex that involves one person and one piece of plastic, with the other person's presence optional but not necessary.

If you've ever lost a job because of automation you might see parallels. Or if you understand the difference between sex that involves someone else and a toy and sex that involves one person and one piece of plastic, with the other person's presence optional but not necessary.

And why can't this exact argument be used against women using vibrators? Of course it can. So what is the real reason this is a problem to you?

It might be fun to use it on your DH.

It's not ok to try to police people's feelings.

If the OP herself feels emasculated or sidelined by it, she has a perfect right to her feelings. Whatever feelings she has about it, she is entitled to them.

The argument can of course be used against women using vibrators if their partners find it emasculating or have some other problem with it.

However, in practice, many men find the idea of a female partner using vibrators appealing, and often a vibrator can be incorporated into a mutually satisfying sex life, so it's probably not that common for a man to feel emasculated by a partner using a vibrator.

It will probably be fun to use it with your DH, yabu to have cancelled the order, especially without speaking to him first. Does DH have access to his 'own' money that isn't in a joint account?
I've purchased two of these for my DH in the last few years, we have a lot of fun with them. For those asking about cleaning, there is a removable 'sleeve' inside that you pull out, can turn inside out and give a good rinse in the sink/use buzz wipes on.

@Tacklesbarbie

You are now thinking it might be your son? How old is he?

A while back I noticed someone had viewed several porn films on sky(£50) so I assumed it was my son and asked him to pay for them. He told me it wasn't him so the only other culprit was my husband - When he got home from work I said "Why have you spent £60 on porn films?" He denied it until I showed him the payment charge on our account. He then said"I just clicked on them to have a quick look and didn't watch the whole film I didn't know I would get charged for them" What a silly man! I have now put a parental control on sky to stop my husband running up a large bill.

He should not have used an account that the kids have access to, otherwise no big deal

@stucknoue

I think most men would have a secret account for this type of stuff. I used to know someone who had a secret credit card that his wife didn't know about so he could view porn and interact with prostitutes on webcams.

As a few posters have picked up on, the reason I'm appalled at this purchase (if it does indeed turn out to be my DH) is that the vibrators are very much a we thing - him using one on me at the start or watching me use one etc.

This thing is very much for him alone and, to me anyway, smacks of something a desperate person would use, ie someone who hadn't had sex for years.

I'm actually really hoping now that it was my DS15 who ordered it as at least he's single currently and, I assume, ridiculously horny. He ordered a load of toiletries on our Amazon account last week using his own money and said that they defaulted to my name in the address. I'm going to speak to my DH this morning about it...

Oh well, at least he's not having an affair by the sounds of it

Is it really impossible to imagine how a woman might be involved in using a Fleshlight during sex with her partner?

Spoiler: someone has to hold them.

I guess it's a shock when you look at these things unexpectedly. I'd also agree it seems likely that your son has ordered it and I would be very upset if I found out my son had stolen from me to pay for one. But it feels strange to have so many 'Boak' 'disgusted' responses on here. Legit to say 'no single use plastics in my sex life' but not to limit a man trying different sensations while hurting absolutely nobody.

@Tacklesbarbie

Your 15 year old son is ordering sex toys on your account! My son is in his late 20s and the only thing he orders are beard trimmers and protein shakes from Amazon.

formerbabe he's always had a high sex drive but takes monogamy and marriage very seriously.

The flip side of this though is that I know he regularly watches porn, but I've always been fine at the thought of him, a screen and his hand etc. The idea of him now using this weird device is just really off-putting to me.

So hoping it's my DS now...

I think maybe a session on your own with your vibe might be good for you - you sound exceptionally uptight.

What bloody century is this? Enforced orgasms for “uptight” / hysterical women fell out of favour quite some time ago, you know...

Just got me thinking,

Would it be interesting if there was a sex toy made that was like a cross between a flesh light and a vubrator that you could use in sex? So a vibrating tube that the bloke put his cock into, that also functioned to make his cock slightly wider and linger and vibrating when he penetrated his partner? Like a thicker vibrating condom ? Does such a thing already exist?

I ordered vibes behind my ex's back when we were together but we weren't being intimate at the time due to him cheating, me forgiving, but I couldn't go near him.

I don't think YABU but maybe he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong... thinks you have a toy to use for a bit of "you" time whenever you like, so should he?

I'd just clear the air with him. You sound like you can talk about this stuff together.

Also I think stop the whole sex toy buying on a family account....

Haha - love the fact that someone has berated the op with a comment on ' Get a grip ' !
As that was her dh plan all along 😂😂

Wow, controlling much.

If your not having sex with him, he's going to release his urges somewhere else.

H2 fancied a toy to help him. You denied him his fun. Now if I put a typical MN hat on... He's going to cheat on you now!

Do you remember this man on This Morning

@tacklesbarbie Forget about what was ordered for a moment but do think carefully about having a shared account on Amazon!
For instance, this surely means your credit card details are stored? Why are you allowing children under 18 to use credit cards online because you must have saved the password and the card details?

You are putting yourself at risk of hacking and fraud from storing the card, for a start. Financial 'guidance' is you log in and out each time, using passwords and not storing card numbers.
It also means anyone using the account can also see all the back history of what's been bought and looked at.

Your kids should not be able to use any online ordering / using your cards without you supervising it. End of.

Of course it wasn't the son! What 15 year old is going to order a sex toy on the family amazon account, knowing full well his dad will immediately get an email saying "thanks for ordering the amazing vibrating cock sucker"

@yearinyearout

I agree - I think her husband might think she wouldn't mind because they seem to both enjoy sex toys. She needs to tell her husband that she doesn't find this acceptable and the reasons why.

It's definitely not your son. Surely if it was DH would've mentioned it as soon as he got the notification?

Unless he thought it was you buying him a toy I guess...

If the OP herself feels emasculated

How can the op, who is presumably a woman, feel emasculated?

YABU and controlling. And no, one is not always "entitled " to ones feelings, sometimes you should be ashamed of them and get over yourself.