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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend Xmas with MY family?

371 replies

Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:12

Yes, having this debate already and it’s only September. Been with OH a few years, last couple of years we have spent Christmas at my parents’, as I have a very close knit family and they are also much nearer to where we live. OH doesn’t have the best relationship with his family but we do visit occasionally and it is always nice when we do. We have started having a debate already about as to whether we would go to his parents’ for Christmas this year. I really would be sad to miss Christmas with my family when we have such a lovely time and so many traditions with friends, neighbours etc. I am not planning to miss it - I think he will be agreeable about it again but it is becoming more and more of a point of tension as his mother particularly would like him at home.

For context we can’t host at ours, not nearly enough room. No children so that’s not a factor. Early 30s. Not enough holiday to be able to book a whole week off and combine the two.

I appreciate it may sound childish but I wouldn’t feel like it was Christmas unless I was with MY family.

When did you start going to the ‘in laws’ for Christmas, if at all, and does anyone feel the same as me?? Maybe it changes if you have children?

OP posts:
sorrythisusernameisinuse · 16/09/2019 22:04

Been with DH almost 10 years and never spent Xmas together because of this reason. Until we have kids it won't be a problem. I'd hate to miss Xmas with my family and if I'm not prepared to do it I don't expect him to

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 16/09/2019 22:11

YABU I've been with DH for 24 years. Before we got married (8 years) we each went to our parents for Christmas. Since we've been married we alternate one year with my family, the next with his. I still prefer to be with my family but I do enjoy spending it with his and I'm sure he feels the same. It's the fairest way to do it, unless your DH really doesn't want to be with his own family.

Ginger1982 · 16/09/2019 22:49

From the first year DH and I were dating we saw both families on Christmas Day. It meant a bit of travelling through the day for us but nothing major. Now we have DS, both sets of parents come to our house for lunch and are then free to do what they want. DH has siblings but I don't so his folks head off in the afternoon to see other grandkids whilst mine hang out a bit longer and then go home.

ChicCroissant · 16/09/2019 22:50

Twitter is clearly way more vicious than MN Shock

WhyBirdStop · 16/09/2019 23:00

Once we lived together we alternated Christmas Day and boxing Day at each of our parents' houses, prior to that we did Christmas Day separately and met up either Christmas night or boxing Day, sometimes in the pub with friends. Once we had a house big enough we hosted everyone, both sets of parents, DB SIL and DNs, we didn't last year as my due date was December 26th, this year we will host again. It's hectic hosting but much like when we were first together and spent Christmas daytime apart, it means we get boxing Day just us and I like that.

Go to his parents' if that's what he wants and you mostly go to yours, just drink a lot of port, it's what it's for (sloe gin is also effective, especially home made!)

Nicolastuffedone · 17/09/2019 04:40

Those twitter replies are funny!!

Madmumof7 · 17/09/2019 17:30

As a mum of adult children I'd be very sad if I never saw my child at Christmas. Did they move six hours away or did you/your partner? My Dil is very considerate and invites both families to their very small flat. It's a squash and a compromise but we all get to see both of them.

clarehhh · 17/09/2019 17:31

Agree you are being unfair.They live nearby and you see them a lot.Put yourself in her shoes how would you feel? Just enjoy and remember the following year will be your family.

cherish123 · 17/09/2019 17:39

Why not spend Christmas Eve or 23rd together and see family on Christmas Day.

DanceItOut · 17/09/2019 17:42

You aren't being unreasonable to WANT to always have Christmas with your family but to never spend it with his would be unreasonable. I think it does change when you have kids because you can imagine a bit more how it would feel to have adult kids that didn't come to see you over Christmas. Luckily my in-laws and my parents live relatively close by so we usually go to my parents Christmas Eve and leave Christmas day after Christmas dinner at lunchtime which allows our kids a break to nap in the car. We then go to his parents and are there for Christmas day in the evening and boxing day. We originally planned to alternate which way round we split the days but actually his family has a tradition of all gathering on boxing Day and my family on Christmas Eve so we just left it how it is. It's worked for the past twelve years.

Beverley71 · 17/09/2019 17:45

We used to alternate before we had kids. Now they are small we stay at home but my parents come for Christmas Day every other year and we have a party on Boxing Day for anyone who wants to come, which is normally dh’s family

starfishmummy · 17/09/2019 17:45

Most people compromise. If theres not much time off work then do Christmas day with one then boxing day with the other and swap the next year. Or stay at home and start your own traditions - you dont have to have kids to do that.

Thurmanmurman · 17/09/2019 17:52

When we got married it changed and we would take it in turns to go to each set of parents. Now we have DC we host my parents and DHs alternate years as it’s easier than dragging the kids to stay at theirs. I always look forward to hosting my parents more than the ILs but it’s just part of being an adult, you have to suck some things up.

TheCherries · 17/09/2019 17:54

Your poor husband. If he would like to spend Christmas with his parents then you jolly well should split it so you see your families every other year. His poor mum too.

If they didn’t get on and you didn’t enjoy spending time with them that is a very different discussion.

Shame on you for thinking you get everything your way

Shockers · 17/09/2019 17:54

I don’t expect to see my son on Christmas Day anymore- I know that his partner will want to spend it with her parents. Luckily I’m not sentimental about the day itself, and I hope that we will be able to forge a tradition of seeing them on an alternative day each year- especially when they have a family. I’d love it if we could alternate, but I don’t think she’d really be happy if we did, and there’s little point in that. It would rankle if I let it, but life’s too short.

We always alternated between grandparents houses when I was a child, and I loved that.

Nat6999 · 17/09/2019 18:02

Since I left home I have only spent 2 christmases in my own home, my parents always used to insist it was easier to spend christmas day at their house, I lost my dad earlier this year & already my mum is raising the question of Christmas, she wants it at her house as usual. I would love a relaxed christmas day in my own home where I can veg out in my Pj's, don't have to be on my best behaviour & can do what I want.

Jack80 · 17/09/2019 18:03

I would have christmas at home and visit parents before or after christmas or go before or after lunch

user1493391099 · 17/09/2019 18:04

This seems to be more and more common these days. I understand that Christmas is all about memories and family traditions etc but how would you have felt if your mum spent Christmas with her parents and your dad spent Christmas with his? It’s odd. You are creating your own family and maybe invite parents to cone to you? Sometimes you have to start growing up. This is meant in the nicest possible way btw. If people would rather spend Christmas Day with their parents than their partner then I think that’s a bit strange.

thecheshirecatcanfuckoff · 17/09/2019 18:06

Yabu imagine if your future children have partners that selfishly only see their family on Christmas day and exclude you?, I think you would be really upset. Regardless whether you dont see them all the time or your dp isn't as close to them as you are to yours you really should alternate it. He obviously wants to see them otherwise he wouldn't have bought it up. I assume you love him so you need to compromise

glennamy · 17/09/2019 18:08

Switch positions, would you then judge him as being unreasonable? Yes!

Downright selfish and he would be called controlling by others if he was doing this to you!

Purpleartichoke · 17/09/2019 18:10

If you want to be partners, you are going to have to start alternating holidays or come
Up with some reasonable shared system.

Janus · 17/09/2019 18:11

This drives me nuts. My brother is married to someone exactly like you, we haven’t had a family Christmas for 15 years because she insists on being with her family, no discussion. My parents are nearly 80 and one day they won’t be here and I’ll be angry we missed all those christmases just because she wanted her way.
(And yes, I know my brother should stand up to her but that’s for another thread.)

MrsBadcrumble123 · 17/09/2019 18:19

Would your family host his family? I have this issue because my DH family are really miserable and awkward when it comes to Christmas plans.... refusing to discuss it until it’s December and they have decided they don’t like my widowed mum so make it very difficult having everyone together. My view to my DH is his family are invited if they don’t come then it’s their problem and we’ll see them when it’s convenient for us... they NEVER have anyone over to them

Tessabelle74 · 17/09/2019 18:20

At what point will you prioritise your OH's opinion? Why can't you alternate and as you've been with your family last year it's his turn? You sound very childish tbh

cakermum · 17/09/2019 18:25

Can’t say if you are BU to be honest. When DP and I got together, we’d do 24th at my family and 25th at his. This wasn’t an issue because my family celebrate on the 24th and his 25th. After a couple of years we got it in the neck from his mother because she wanted to alternate ALL of Xmas instead I.e. 24th/25th mine, the following his etc etc. Consequently, started alternating. My Christmases are filled with happy memories, but when it’s with - the now ILs - it’s full of arguments (think full on screaming matches) so I hate spending it with them. Fast forward my mum has since passed away, and we have kids. I’d like to start our own Xmas tradition ON OUR OWN then see them any other time around the period. This has not gone down well, so nothing’s changing for now as DP wants an easy life and knows I won’t hassle him as much as his mum. Sad thing is he says Xmas is meant to be arguments!!
So, sorry, long post to say I don’t think you are BU for wanting to spend it with your family. I want my kids to have happy memories of Xmas, so if you’re not going to get that with them... I’d say life is too short.
On the other hand, while you don’t have kids maybe you can split it, then start your own tradition where you see them either side of the holiday?
My ILs are also a 5hr drive so means at least 4 days of their delightful company. Ugh I can feel the anxiety building already!!