To want to spend Xmas with MY family?

[Shedoesntevengohere55]

Yes, having this debate already and it’s only September. Been with OH a few years, last couple of years we have spent Christmas at my parents’, as I have a very close knit family and they are also much nearer to where we live. OH doesn’t have the best relationship with his family but we do visit occasionally and it is always nice when we do. We have started having a debate already about as to whether we would go to his parents’ for Christmas this year. I really would be sad to miss Christmas with my family when we have such a lovely time and so many traditions with friends, neighbours etc. I am not planning to miss it - I think he will be agreeable about it again but it is becoming more and more of a point of tension as his mother particularly would like him at home.

For context we can’t host at ours, not nearly enough room. No children so that’s not a factor. Early 30s. Not enough holiday to be able to book a whole week off and combine the two.

I appreciate it may sound childish but I wouldn’t feel like it was Christmas unless I was with MY family.

When did you start going to the ‘in laws’ for Christmas, if at all, and does anyone feel the same as me?? Maybe it changes if you have children?

I think YABU

I would love to spend Christmas with my family every year but that is not fair to DH or my PIL

Part of being in a relationship is compromising

We alternated every year then when dd came along they alternated at ours for the day. Only fair!

"he has a minimal relationship with this family really whereas I am very close to mine. He gets on well with mine and spends a lot of time with them as they are local."
Seeing his family at Christmas could well help with the "minimal relationship". That may be to do with them being more distant geographically. If yours are local then you can see them far more easily. You really should make the effort to see his family. Do it this year. You may be pleasantly surprised.

On the basis of what you’ve told us then YANBU to want to stay with your parents, but YABU to insist on it if your partner would like to go to his parents (for whatever reason he wants to do that). If there is extra information about why you have spent the last two years with your parents that would change our minds then YABU not to just tell us about it and imply that if we all knew then we would agree with you. I don’t know why people ask these questions on AIBU when they are not prepared to listen to the answers.

It’s his turn OP - spend New Year with yours ?

Well the OP did say it sounded childish and you weren't wrong OP - this sounds like a total toddler tantrum! OP sulking because we don't agree with her so has gone off with her fingers in her ears saying she won't play again! It would be funny if there wasn't another family on the other side of this missing out.

"It would feel like we are only going to be able to make it ‘fair’ when neither of us would really enjoy it."

Also the fact you say they dont get along with oh.
So I seem to be in the minority here but no I wouldnt go and have christmas with people that were hard to get along with just to make it "fair."
You dont have to be around people that put a dampner on your life just because they come with the label family.

@Shedoesntevengohere55 I wish you would come back to this thread. There have been some good points made. Sometimes we have to have a wee look at our situation again to gain some perspective and I hope you're not too upset by what's been said.

Almost Everyone thinks their family Christmas is the best one . YANBU in thinking that but YABU in thinking that your partner should only spend time with your family with no reciprocation from you.

shedoesntevengohere55 how difficult for you. I think however you play it, just don’t get into a rut. In fact I would book a holiday over Christmas one year just to show your not doing anyone any favours.

We had the same problem when MIL was alive. I loved going to hers, but didn’t like going to my parents much. We took it in turns every year. Then we had the idea of going to MIL for Christmas and then to my parent for new year or the other way round.

Hope you find a solution.

When did you start going to the ‘in laws’ for Christmas

You do realise that your OH has been going to HIS (de facto) in-laws EVERY year, don't you?

A marriage/serious relationship is about people from two different families coming together and those two families becoming interlinked - it's not like going to a dog breeder and permanently taking a puppy from its mother to become wholly part of your family.

This Christmas thing is really tricky. When my DH and I got together we did the 'one year at his, one year with my mother' thing. Of course one enjoys one's own family Christmas best. The DH's mother was pretty eccentric and one year wouldn't put the heating on so I froze, being a cold mortal anyway. Still, it was fair. When we had children we stayed put.

With my own DD, when she met her DP, now her DH, she came to us for Christmas as she couldn't bear to be away for it but spent the time missing him awfully.

Then two years ago she went to his parents' for Christmas and then he came to ours last year.

They married in June and it is planned that they will go to his parents again this year. She found staying there very hard. His DF is a difficult character and the house is very chaotic with no haven for her to retreat to. The DH's old bedroom is small, grubby and full of junk so she was not comfortable. Family traditions were very different. For example, presents were not opened until after dinner and were opened turn by turn from each person at 7 in the evening. On the plus side the meal was plentiful and the drinks flowed freely and no one objected to the young couple going for a walk round their village and visiting old friends.

Ay home we have a quiet day with presents in the morning, a fab 'light lunch', a village walk, Christmas cake at tea time and Christmas dinner at 7p.m. I can see that for her new DH this would be as unfamiliar as his family Christmas is for her but they come and go as they please and her room is big, clean and welcoming.

Their own house is nice but not big enough to entertain 11 people and, while it is near us, it is a hour from the DH's parents (who want to be in their own house anyway.) They were thinking of moving to a bigger place which would have been ideal for hosting but they have put their plans on hold for now.

Nothing is ideal but it is a case of preferences, not needs. Everyone has to compromise, hold their tongues, take turns and defer at Christmas. I am bereft without my DD at Christmas but I realise I have to, in the phrase, 'suck it up' to ensure harmony and equity. In fact I have to be extra cheerful to ensure my DH and DS have a good time with only three of us in the house.

I think the OP will have to take turns and make the best of it. Think of things to do to make the situation better. I find that copious amounts of Champagne usually oil the wheels.

Just to agree with those saying don't do the same thing every year, or you'll have to do it every year forever or cause a major meltdown.

My exH and MIL insisted we spend the whole of Christmas, pretty much right through to New Year with his family every year, even after we divorced it was still expected or MIL would be "devastated".

This year I'm putting an end to it and it'll be hard, I should have put my foot down years ago. So I would suggest you alternate and include a year at home once dc come along.

YABU. If there are two families that are too far apart to do both on the same day, you need to find a compromise. This will involve one family 'missing out' some years. It may also mean that you don't have an optimal time, and that you suck that up and smile through it anyway, as best you can. Such are the compromises that strong marriages are made of!

YABU. You should alternate years to keep it fair unless you have children at some point then you can stay home.

@Shedoesntevengohere55 I hope you come back to this thread - closing down an argument with 'I don't want to hear that' (which is what 'I don't think I'll come back here' actually means), isn't going to find you a solution you know.

I think what you need to do is put on your own (possibly) future mum hat. Assume you have a child, now grown up. Their partner likes to spend time with their family at Christmas. Because you and DH live a long way away you never see your grown up child at Christmas. How would you feel? Devastated like your mum? Tell yourself to suck it up (which is what you and your DH are, unintentionally, telling your MIL).

You've had some ideas on here like:

Go to your MIL for Christmas, New Year for your parents then alternate every year. My DH comes from the opposite end of the country to me - that's what we did for years!

Go separately to your own parents. But that means you'll be apart.

You say you can't host at your house as it's too small. But what about asking your mum if she would be happy for MIL to come. Then ask MIL if she wants to come to you on Christmas Eve, stay until Boxing day (or whatever works regarding transport). Invite her to your home then over to your parents on Christmas Day. Obviously that may be harder if MIL hosts a Christmas Day for the rest of DH's family.

But you do need to think like a mum. I'd be a bit sad if my DS chose to spend every Christmas with my future DIL family and didn't make any sort of effort with me and DH. Mind you, I wouldn't be 'devastated'...

You have to take turns. A relationship is as much about averaging your misery as anything else

To answer your question, we started alternating Christmas when we moved in together (years before marriage). Personally I want to spend Christmas Day with my partner, no matter where that is. He’s the one that I share in-jokes with, he’s the one I’m going to escape the house with. We now alternate between my family and Christmas at ours because FIL said he didn’t want us ruining his Christmas Day. But my husband would still not be happy doing my family every year, it’s different to what he grew up with and my family kinda favours the dramatic side, so we have a year at home away from the drama.

The first Christmas away from your family is the hardest but it does get easier after that. When you have a Christmas away from your family you also lose the rose tinted glasses and appreciate other ways of having Christmas. Which is how I can recognise that my family Christmas tends to be more on the dramatic side, even when there is no reason to be. We now take bits from his family and mine to create our own hybrid Christmas with some weird traditions but we love it. You can also still talk to your mum if you are at the in-laws. We FaceTime the people we aren’t with. We work out the logistics around when people are eating, so we usually call in the morning. If we’re with my family, we will go to a quiet room and ring people but we’ve also had them in the main room and opened presents over FaceTime. The first year away, both DH and I spoke to my family and then DH left me alone in the bedroom for a little while to talk to my mum by myself.

You asked if he has to go just because his mum wants you to. Sometimes, yes, you have to sacrifice your ideal or more fun Christmas (both of you) to make someone else happy. Last year was Christmas with my family and neither of us wanted to go. When Christmas fell, travelling up to my family was going to be hell because of when schools broke up and when Christmas was. We had to both take a lot of leave from work. My grandma had also died earlier in the year. Neither of us were looking forward to Christmas last year and would have much preferred to stay at ours. But we travelled up because it was important to my mum and grandad and Christmas wasn’t actually as bad as we were both expecting.

YABU. You are married- your in laws are your family too. Selfish and childish, suck it up and take it in turns!

@LLOE7 they're not married.

Technically if you’ve spend the last two Christmases at your family surely it’s your in laws turn to spend Christmas with you? But then you say he has a difficult relationship. How far away do both families live? Is it possible to visit your in laws in the morning or the evening and see your family for dinner? Or see one family on Christmas Day and the other on Boxing Day.

I feel your pain, we have both families locally and we are close to both so it’s awkward. We alternate Christmas dinner now. It’s mother in laws turn to have us this year but we will visit my family.

We cannot host because our house isn’t big enough. My mums immediate family is huge and there’s no way I could manage that. I couldn’t have mil over for dinner because she would criticise everything for sure 🤣 plus she likes being a host, I do not!!

Or you could solve the problem by having your own Christmas. Not seeing either family. I had to do that a few years ago and neither families would accept what we wanted to do.

Also how long have you been with your partner? For the first couple years of our relationship I was adamant I wanted to spend it with my family so we’d often spend Christmas morning together, dinner separately at our familes and the evening together.

We’ve been together years and tbh I don’t
Really care where we have Christmas now as long as we are together. Him and DC come
Before making both our familes happy.

This year we will attempt to have both dh and my own parents here. They are very different characters. Should be fun 😁

The fact your family is local and you can see them all the times makes spending Xmas with his family even more important . Stop being selfish OP

@Shedoesntevengohere55
I’m the long standing host of the big family Christmas and our children and their partners always come here and stay at least one night, if not more.

We never expect it and always ask about the other families. One family is long haul overseas, so it’s a bigger plan to go there and I don’t think they’re particularly interested in each other, but that’s their business. Others are local, but it seems our Christmas is the preferred venue. The DCs have got around this by going on Christmas Eve and making a thing of it, plus they also have a Christmas themed day out some time in December.

With the way Christmas falls this year it makes more sense for you to save 12-13 hours travelling time, but if it were me I’d plan to go visit next year, which should be ideal as it falls over the weekend.

Sometimes you have to do the kind thing even when it doesn’t best suit you. When our DCs change the plans, for various reasons it won’t suit us, but we’ll understand.