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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend Xmas with MY family?

371 replies

Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:12

Yes, having this debate already and it’s only September. Been with OH a few years, last couple of years we have spent Christmas at my parents’, as I have a very close knit family and they are also much nearer to where we live. OH doesn’t have the best relationship with his family but we do visit occasionally and it is always nice when we do. We have started having a debate already about as to whether we would go to his parents’ for Christmas this year. I really would be sad to miss Christmas with my family when we have such a lovely time and so many traditions with friends, neighbours etc. I am not planning to miss it - I think he will be agreeable about it again but it is becoming more and more of a point of tension as his mother particularly would like him at home.

For context we can’t host at ours, not nearly enough room. No children so that’s not a factor. Early 30s. Not enough holiday to be able to book a whole week off and combine the two.

I appreciate it may sound childish but I wouldn’t feel like it was Christmas unless I was with MY family.

When did you start going to the ‘in laws’ for Christmas, if at all, and does anyone feel the same as me?? Maybe it changes if you have children?

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 16/09/2019 12:50

You’ve made Twitter, OP.

mobile.twitter.com/mumsnet_madness/status/1173561500415533056

stayathomer · 16/09/2019 12:56

You’ve made Twitter, OP.
Don't like the idea of that, people come here to vent etc and then it's realised onto social media?

yearinyearout · 16/09/2019 12:57

I think you need to compromise and suck it up really. I understand why you feel like you do, but it's really unfair on his family for the pair of you to spend Christmas with your side every year. It will be even more unfair if this continues when you have kids.
It's only one day, and what's to stop you having a lovely Christmassy weekend with your family either the weekend before or after the day itself? You can still make it really special and you'll still have fun.

HereWeGoNow · 16/09/2019 15:17

Yikes! That twitter thread makes Mumsnet look angelic! The Vipers have moved and morphed. 😂

ChristmasFluff · 16/09/2019 15:42

Even when I was married, until we had a child we had Christmas apart at our own parents' houses. Once we had a child, we alternated parents.

but you don't have a child, so no reason to not have separate Christmases.

BenWillbondsPants · 16/09/2019 15:42

@stayathomer. Totally agree.

Howdidido · 16/09/2019 15:48

Not married. No kids. Spend Christmas with your own families. Or he can alternate if he wants to.

Fe2O3Girl · 16/09/2019 15:49

I went to my in-laws for Christmas from 3 months after we met because my parents are Jehovah's Witnesses and I'm never ever going to have Christmas with them. And neither are my children. Lucky me.

Indecisiveandconfused · 16/09/2019 16:21

@Fe203

So did I !! Exactly the same situation.

SnuggyBuggy · 16/09/2019 16:39

Is this really worthy of twitter? Confused

Rezie · 16/09/2019 16:58

surely you can’t go through life spending every Christmas apart?? But maybe you can!!
My brother and SIL have been together for 19 years and married for 11. They spend Christmas separately. I'm not sure why a couple that doesn't have kids have to spend holidays together. They still seem to be equally married as other people. So now no parents are alone during Christmas and everyone gets to do their own tradition.

Me and my bf will spend Christmas as separate until we have kids. I'm not looking forward to spending holidays with in laws. They are lovely people but their tradition is to order take out, watch football and then go to separate rooms to play computer games. It is their tradition and I'm really trying to respect it. Where as my family does things that is only at Christmas and there are traditions and I love the whole thing. But I guess I have to adjust. So yeah, I completely understand why it is annoying. But you are asking him to do the same. So separate christmas is the perfect solution.

flowery · 16/09/2019 17:37

”You’ve made Twitter, OP.
Don't like the idea of that, people come here to vent etc and then it's realised onto social media?”

You do realise Mumsnet is not a private forum and can easily be viewed by anyone on the planet with an internet connection...?

Alsohuman · 16/09/2019 18:07

Better Twitter than The Sun.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 16/09/2019 18:09

I have been with DP for ten years (no kids). Sometimes we spend Christmas together at one or other of our parents, sometimes he goes to his and I go to mine, sometimes we do (shock horror) NOTHING!

You aren't joined at the hip and I think if you want to go to your family you go there and he can go to his.

saraclara · 16/09/2019 18:22

I'm wondering if this is a reverse. The handle ends in 55 which generally pertains to a birth year.

Nc1737383 · 16/09/2019 18:41

I'm wondering if this is a reverse. The handle ends in 55 which generally pertains to a birth year.

Good detective skills but the rest is a Meal Girls reference which doesn’t shout “55 year old” (but I’m happy to be flamed by 55 year olds that like Mean Girls!)

Alsohuman · 16/09/2019 18:43

If it’s a birth year, the poster would be 64.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 16/09/2019 18:47

When did you start going to the ‘in laws’ for Christmas, if at all, and does anyone feel the same as me?? Maybe it changes if you have children?

Never. But we don’t see any family for Xmas. We generally go away with friends. Much better - we can ignore the complete consumerfest that it is that way. Didn’t change when we had DD.

saraclara · 16/09/2019 19:00

I'm 63 and I'd reference Mean Girls.

OooErMissus · 16/09/2019 19:13

My mum would be devastated if I announced I was going there for Christmas!

God, this just makes me roll my eyes to high heaven, and certainly explains the OP's position.

Of course it's normal for your Mum to be disappointed and upset, but 'devastated' is beyond ridiculous, let alone to the extent that you'd know she'd be 'devastated' only too well. It's so selfish and manipulative.

Any decent, loving parent wouldn't go around being 'devastated' that their adult child was option to do the decent thing.

They'd take a deep breath, put their feelings on the matter to one side, and be understanding and supportive, and make their child's decision much easier.

PriscillaTheHun · 16/09/2019 19:14

We did Christmas apart until we had our DS. After that we started alternating as we wanted to stay together for our DS.

Stonerosie67 · 16/09/2019 19:40

This year will be the first year ds hasn't been at home for Christmas, he's going to his gf's family. Which is only right as last year she was with us. That's because they're both kind, thoughtful people who want to do right by both families.
I'm not looking forward to ds not being here, but it's the fair thing to do. We're going to have another Christmas Day when he comes home.
I just thank my lucky stars his gf and her mother are nothing at all like you, op!!

Nicolastuffedone · 16/09/2019 19:57

You’re in your 30’s??? God....I thought you were 14

30somethingandtired · 16/09/2019 20:35

We spend Christmas morning at home, see one side around lunch time and the other side in the evening. It's a lot of driving but it works for us as we like to see both sides on Christmas Day.

If that's not practical for you then I'd go for one side on Christmas Day, the other side on Boxing Day, then alternate which way around it is each year.

Alternatively, could you go to his side in the morning (together) then he stays for the rest of the day but you leave after an hour to go and see your family?

dayslikethese1 · 16/09/2019 21:40

Is there a backstory around why you (both?) don't get on with his family OP? Or as to why your DM will be 'devastated'? If not then I'm a bit confused as to why u wouldn't go to his family once every so often?