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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend Xmas with MY family?

371 replies

Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:12

Yes, having this debate already and it’s only September. Been with OH a few years, last couple of years we have spent Christmas at my parents’, as I have a very close knit family and they are also much nearer to where we live. OH doesn’t have the best relationship with his family but we do visit occasionally and it is always nice when we do. We have started having a debate already about as to whether we would go to his parents’ for Christmas this year. I really would be sad to miss Christmas with my family when we have such a lovely time and so many traditions with friends, neighbours etc. I am not planning to miss it - I think he will be agreeable about it again but it is becoming more and more of a point of tension as his mother particularly would like him at home.

For context we can’t host at ours, not nearly enough room. No children so that’s not a factor. Early 30s. Not enough holiday to be able to book a whole week off and combine the two.

I appreciate it may sound childish but I wouldn’t feel like it was Christmas unless I was with MY family.

When did you start going to the ‘in laws’ for Christmas, if at all, and does anyone feel the same as me?? Maybe it changes if you have children?

OP posts:
Lou12124 · 17/09/2019 18:33

Why cant you go boxing day? If both of you dont particularly want to go to his mums then just explain that we are doing xmas day with your family and do boxing day with his...two christmases result! I have done it this way for aslong as I can remember...only difference is I actually love my in laws so I have them over for xmas day with me my husband and kids and then boxing day we travel to my family which is 3 hours away. Dont change what you both enjoy doing...just be firm and to the point and I'm sure his mum will understand....

BBOA · 17/09/2019 18:40

We used to do alternate years pre children. Once the kids were toddlers we stopped that as they needed to be in own house and we were fed up with travelling. We then tried inviting everyone to ours, but only my fam came and we ended up waiting on everyone hand and foot whilst they enjoyed chatting. Decided at that point that we would see relatives on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day. Does seem a bit quiet though, but we are so knackered from working it's nice to have our own micro Christmas.

EC22 · 17/09/2019 18:43

I’d rather be with my family every year, husband, his. We alternate as that’s what is fair. In the years I’m working he’ll have with his or vice versa as that’s our preference.
You have to compromise.

Frazzledstar1 · 17/09/2019 18:43

Me and my DP had the same scenario for years. I would go to my parents for dinner, he would go to the pub then his parents for dinner and we’d meet in the evening. It did cause a lot of arguments though, mainly because I wanted to spend Xmas with him and he is an Xmas grinch and didn’t think it was a big deal!!

All changed once we had kids though, we alternate a bit, between having my parents over or going to his but tend to just stay at home and let family visit us etc.

I’d say fairest way is to alternate between the two really if you can’t visit them both.

IamWaggingBrenda · 17/09/2019 18:44

*God I wish I had just asked a vague question about spending Christmas with in-laws/apart - that’ll teach me for adding any context as it’s all been picked apart and misconstrued sad.

I was going to write some more about the circumstances in which we ended up spending the last two christmases at my parents (and it wasn’t because I forced him!) but it’s not worth it!

Not sure I’ll post on here again!!*

Translation: You didn’t all agree with me and tell me I deserve to get what I want, so I’m going to take my toys and go home! More proof the OP is childish.

EllenMP · 17/09/2019 18:44

I think if both halves have good relationships with their parents they should each go to their own family for Christmas until they have children of their own. It will just feel more like their real Christmas and it means a lot to your parents. If and when you have a baby you can change the plan then.

1forAll74 · 17/09/2019 18:51

I think that you just have to work out between yourselves what would be the best, as other peoples opinions don't really count.. I think that hundreds of couples have the very same issues about family visits at Christmas,, sometimes you are expected to be here,there,and everywhere.

I used to have the very same issues, when I was young and had children, it was mainly a Mother, or MIL, who would get upset,stroppy even, if we didn't fall into her plans for Christmas day. It was me and mine who had to drive miles and miles to visit family, and sometimes we didn't wan't to go anywhere, but we always visited,and had to go along with any fallout whilst there.

PrincessLouis · 17/09/2019 19:00

Most people feel the same as you but also place weight on the desires of their husband / partner. You need to compromise - alternate years, spend Christmas apart, take more leave so you can see both sides of the family. Maybe your partner would like to build a closer relationship with his family?

user1472151176 · 17/09/2019 19:01

I would suggest alternative years. It's really the only fair way. His family may not be as close knit but it is still his family. If you do have children it is an issue that will need to be dealt with

Catastrophejane · 17/09/2019 19:12

You say your OH ‘isn’t bothered’ about going, but reading between the lines he is.

He wouldn’t ask you to do it if he didn’t want to do it.

I think what your other half is saying is that while he isn’t fussed about spending Xmas at his mother’s, it would damage the relationship if he didn’t. He is keen to do it because he wants to maintain a relationship with his mother. As his partner, you should help. You obviously come from a happy, close family. Surely you realise how important family ties are?

Also, it’s about showing you support him. He probably doesn’t fancy the idea of being without you at Xmas. It would show how much you care for him if you went with him.

Carolynmac · 17/09/2019 19:12

We alternate each Christmas / new year. This Xmas my family who lives about 3hours drive away next his family and we are both happy

westenddweller · 17/09/2019 19:35

The Christmas argument...

Have spent many at my in-laws. Hated every second - and I mean hated - but sucked it up. Sometimes you just have to be unselfish and do something which pleases your partner instead of suiting you every time.

Pinkpeanut27 · 17/09/2019 19:44

At the beginning of our relationship we spent Xmas day and Boxing Day apart with our respective families then New Year together / with friends .

Once we were serious we just alternated families . Yes I missed my family to start with but as I got closer to dh family we started different traditions.

If you are going to make a go of being a couple you are going to need to prioritise your relationship over your family otherwise it’s not fair and it will unravel at some stage .

EdWinchester · 17/09/2019 19:46

We alternate. My family are great fun, chatty and rambunctious. We play games until the small hours, everyone stays the night and we generally have an absolute hoot.

My husband's family are lovely but incredibly reserved and virtually tee-total.

Two very different Christmases, but this is what you do, it's part of being a family.

justbeingadad · 17/09/2019 19:49

YANBU to want to spend it with your family, but you can't go through life getting what you want 100% of the time.

Yes, you'd be sad, yes you'd miss your tradition but if you can't compromise then maybe a relationship isn't for you?

Elsie1966 · 17/09/2019 20:19

Why dont you spend Christmas at home together?

StCharlotte · 17/09/2019 20:25

I'm not sure why a couple that doesn't have kids have to spend holidays together.

Ouch!

I'm not normally one for taking offence especially online, but as someone who can't have children, this has stung a bit. I think it's more important for us (DH and me) to stick together, especially at sodding Christmas.

Sorry to derail Smile

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 17/09/2019 20:35

I'm not sure why a couple that doesn't have kids have to spend holidays together.

That old shite took longer than I thought to be dragged out

To want to spend Xmas with MY family?
jam30 · 17/09/2019 20:41

We try and switch every year between parents / in-laws. In our 30’s with one DD. Same, we go to family as they have the larger homes and others are there. When we were younger, had Christmas with our own families, saw friends Xmas eve etc

Janus · 17/09/2019 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vanillaicedtea · 17/09/2019 20:49

You're being childish. Create your own traditions with your DP rather than him being an awkward add on to yours, remind him what he doesn't have with his own family.

This year is the time to prioritise him, and not you.

Alaimo · 17/09/2019 20:50

My DH and I don't have kids, possibly never will. I can't believe the suggestion we should spend every holiday apart. We like spending time together, that's why we got married!

Anyway, we mix & match. Sometimes we go to his family, sometimes to mine, some years we each go to our own families and other years we've gone on holiday with just the 2 of us.

LincolnshireYellowBelly · 17/09/2019 20:56

We always used to see one set of parents Xmas day and the other set Boxing Day and then alternate. It doesn’t really matter how close you judge your partner is to his parents, it’s important to be fair

Sedlescombe · 17/09/2019 20:58

Take turns where to visit each Christmas and go to the other at new year

FredaFox · 17/09/2019 21:05

@stayathomer I only found here from that twitter account, they only post the more ridiculous/ outrageous posts, I found them funny, checked here out and now come on here daily for fun and more series reasons
This is a public forum, look how many posts end up in the bloody daily m*il