delicate family problem, WWYD?

[sunflowers63]

Definitely NC for this. Will try and keep it short.

I live in the UK, my parents live in another country and I only see them every couple of years at the most, when they come here, usually for Xmas. I get on OK with them but my father can be a bit of a twat and our political views etc do not coincide. So I tend to be fairly superficial with him, otherwise I get annoyed.

I have a stepdaughter, who is 24 and at university. She is single at the moment, and is a very pretty, bright, fab girl all round. I have a brother, let’s call him Ted, who is 37 and lives in another country (not the one where my parents live, although that is not really relevant). My brother recently got divorced, after a pretty disastrous marriage which we in the family were all very sceptical about from the beginning (I kept my scepticism to myself and tried to be friendly to my SIL, however my parents, on the rare occasions when they met her, were quite rude to her and about her, and made it abundantly clear to my brother that they did not approve of her).

My parents are coming to us this Xmas. I was hoping that stepdaughter would also come home for Xmas, in the uni holidays. She has now told me that she won’t come while my parents are here because of something my father said to her a few months ago (when she happened to be visiting the country where my parents live). He reportedly said to her that she should sleep with Ted, in a jokey kind of way. I suppose he thought he was being funny and probably that he was complimenting my stepdaughter by saying that he wished poor divorced Ted could get such a lovely girl.

My stepdaughter was disgusted by this, she did not say anything to me immediately as she did not want to upset me (we are very close), but over the summer holidays, when I asked her if she was coming home for Xmas she said that she could not, because my father will be here, and she had to tell me why. I was embarrassed, horrified and had no idea what to say (still don’t). My DH does not think I should say anything to my parents, my father is likely to either have forgotten the incident altogether (very likely), just deny it, or to say it was just a joke and not understand why anyone would make a fuss.

Should I do anything about this? It is not difficult for my stepdaughter to avoid my parents, they are here once every two to three years at the most. I just feel sad and angry that she has to.

I get you needing to see your parents, but I'd offer to put her in a hotel near you and find ways of keeping them apart or I'd send your dh to her.
She shouldn't have to choose between being around a creep (your dad sorry) or seeing her dad at Christmas.
None of it is fair on you or her, but him getting what he wants at Christmas at her expense is awful.

God, I worry about the future when grown adults, not the OP, think a comment like this should be ignored.

Have strong words with your father. He said it. Irrelevant whether he tires to pretend he doesn't remember. Tell him SD now won't come home for Christmas and ask him what he suggests is the right thing to do. Maybe he'll apologise and your SD will feel happier to come.

OP, you are putting your parents first before your SD. What would you do if it was your child ?

Are posters missing where OP says she can only see her parents every few years, for various reasons the time of their visit can’t be changed and she is aware because of their advanced age she may not get another chance to spend time with them?
Not to diminish the fact that it was a very unpleasant thing for your SD to hear, extremely uncomfortable.

I do think people need to be aware that some older people CAN hold views that are no longer acceptable (obviously not all, and obviously younger people can hold uncomfortable views too), and it really doesn’t help anyone to get outraged. Sometimes the onset of dementia can make people disinhibited in behaviours/talking about sex, sorry to mention it.

I agree with @yourestandingonmyneck advice.

Would u feel the same if he had said it your own daughter?
If my father or father in law made a remark like that I wouldn't be able to brush it off and I wouldn't be teaching my daughters that its OK to accept remarks like that either. Your stepdaughter shouldn't have to avoid your father when she hasn't done anything wrong.

I agree with @TrainQuestions that's a good suggestion.

Disgusting thing for your father to say. It’s unlikely to be the only creepy thing your father has said/done.

My father always did have a bit of a funny attitude to sex, likes to bring it up in conversation etc. This seems to have got worse as he gets older.

Gross.

Really awkward one. Your step daughter is quite right to be creeped out by your dad. But I’m not convinced she can’t be under the same roof as him.

Don’t get me wrong, he should not have said that, and she shouldn’t be made of feel uncomfortable.

I think you need to explain to her that you hate that she doesn’t feel comfortable in her own home because of your dad. Explain he is elderly and you might not get to see him again. Tell she is very welcome for Christmas, and give her permission to say ‘shut up you creepy little man’ every single time he says something inappropriate.

My dad has a friend who loves to say inappropriate things and who thinks he is funny. He’s not, but unfortunately my dad hero worships him. I learnt a withering stars from a young age. Belittling creepy little men is quite good fun😊

It's vile and creepy. She has every right to not want to be around him. Please don't brush it off as he has a funny attitude towards sex. It's not something to brush off as 'he's just like that'. You need to discuss this with him and reassure your step daughter. How would you feel it the comment was made to your daughter and she felt she couldn't be in his presence? Could anything have been said/done too?

Ugh, your father sounds awful! What an inappropriate thing to say to a young woman. I hate the culture of people thinking remarks like this as just “jokes” or “throwaway comments.”

I really can’t imagine my father saying anything like this, nor my DH. I agree with others who say it should not be your step daughter having to stay away - it should be your father.

Can your husband go to visit his daughter for Christmas?

Sounds like you get on really well with your SD. Any chance you can have a follow up chat with her? If it was me I’d want to find out 1) is there anything you could do to make it right? Does she want an apology or an explanation or does she just want to stay NC? If she wants it left alone then there’s nothing you can do as your DH suggests.

2. tell her you feel bad that she’s kept away from her family at xmas and discuss whether there is scope for you to take your parents somewhere for a bit while she gets some family time with her Dad and bro. Or any other creative solution?

Very difficult. I also wondered about the onset of dementia, is that a possibility op ? It is very common for people to lose inhibitions and say some incredibly inappropriate or even highly offensive things. If this has been getting worse then I think that could be a factor.
Would your Dad apologise, or is that pointless ? Would your SD even want him to, or would it make things worse ?
I can understand why she has been upset by this comment, but I can also see that your parents are elderly, and that can lead some people to be more offensive than they would have been years before. Their personality can get more extreme at the edges, can you talk to her about this ?
Would she come if she could keep out of his way ? She shouldn’t be left alone with him, but in public anything he days could be instantly challenged, if you agreed to do this might she reconsider ?

Mulling it over, I think in your place I would tell him in a calm way that he upset her, listen to his response, and then use that as the basis from which to decide how to proceed, whether that was her staying nearby with her Dad, or her coming but being protected from any casual comments.

I do think that this comment is unpleasant, but also that it has been given too much weight. Has she told you how he phrased it ? As that makes a difference too.

How old are your parents op ?

Oh ffs! What a total over reaction from some people on here.

Your dad was out of order, tell him he needs to be careful what he says in future. If your dsd chooses not to come at Christmas then so be it, she'll have worse said to her that she either needs to confron, or brush off throughout her life!

Sometimes the onset of dementia can make people disinhibited in behaviours/talking about sex, sorry to mention

Given the rudeness to his DIL the OP mentioned, and the fact visit are limited because he runs his own business, it’s far more likely that he’s just vile creepy man.

I’d bet money that this is just the comment that has been the final straw for the OP’s step daughter. Men like that don’t jus randomly make one comment, they make them repeatedly.

How sad for the DSD that because the realisation that someone in her life in a Grandfatherly type role made sexual remarks about her she is the one who misses out on Christmas with her family. She doesn’t even have the option to go to her mothers!

What the hell am I reading?

She gets sexually harassed in her parents' house and now she's the one who has to stay away?

But that's okay because your dad's old?

Good for her for standing up for herself in the face of all this nonsense. But don't expect to have much of a relationship with her going forward.

Obviously I don't know your dad, but he sounds a bit creepy. Is there no reason why you can't travel to them if they're old?

I'd prioritise your S/D. Why can't you spend Christmas Day with her and then do something with your parents on Boxing Day? Can they not stay at a hotel? You could stay you'll have too many people staying on Christmas Eve but there's a lovely hotel near by where they can say and enjoy themselves. It's important she feels comfortable and gets to enjoy Christmas with her family.

Why should the step daughter just put up with inappropriate comments? Nobody should just put up with things like that.

Being old and senile is not an excuse. He sounds like he has always been a creep.

Sounds like a bad joke gone wrong if you ask me. She needs to stop
Taking things so literally

I think the suggestion of you hosting your parents and DH going to his daughter is the most sensible.

She may or may not (depending on a huge number of factors) be being a bit unreasonable. But if the bottom line is she’s uncomfortable and you can’t have it out with your DF what other choice is there?

Your Dad shouldn’t have said that, but your SD needs to grow up and act like an adult. She can’t avoid anyone who says anything that she doesn’t like/agree with and expect everyone around her to keep them away.

She should feel free to stand up for herself, but to refuse to be near anyone who offends her, especially when you see your parents so rarely, is not on. She is overreacting and I wouldn’t support her doing it. Fair enough if she wants to stay away, but banishing your parents would be ridiculous.

I would personally confront him telling him it was unacceptable and if they have not booked their tickets tell them not to come because it sounds like you would rather your dsd was home for Christmas than having your father visit. He needs to apologise to her at the very least. She still may not want to come home but at least it would be more bearable for her if she did. It's sad as she's having to isolate herself at Christmas because of a grown man who should know better does not know how to behave appropriately.

She isn't expecting people to keep them away. She's acting like an adult and deciding who she spends her time with.