delicate family problem, WWYD?

[sunflowers63]

Definitely NC for this. Will try and keep it short.

I live in the UK, my parents live in another country and I only see them every couple of years at the most, when they come here, usually for Xmas. I get on OK with them but my father can be a bit of a twat and our political views etc do not coincide. So I tend to be fairly superficial with him, otherwise I get annoyed.

I have a stepdaughter, who is 24 and at university. She is single at the moment, and is a very pretty, bright, fab girl all round. I have a brother, let’s call him Ted, who is 37 and lives in another country (not the one where my parents live, although that is not really relevant). My brother recently got divorced, after a pretty disastrous marriage which we in the family were all very sceptical about from the beginning (I kept my scepticism to myself and tried to be friendly to my SIL, however my parents, on the rare occasions when they met her, were quite rude to her and about her, and made it abundantly clear to my brother that they did not approve of her).

My parents are coming to us this Xmas. I was hoping that stepdaughter would also come home for Xmas, in the uni holidays. She has now told me that she won’t come while my parents are here because of something my father said to her a few months ago (when she happened to be visiting the country where my parents live). He reportedly said to her that she should sleep with Ted, in a jokey kind of way. I suppose he thought he was being funny and probably that he was complimenting my stepdaughter by saying that he wished poor divorced Ted could get such a lovely girl.

My stepdaughter was disgusted by this, she did not say anything to me immediately as she did not want to upset me (we are very close), but over the summer holidays, when I asked her if she was coming home for Xmas she said that she could not, because my father will be here, and she had to tell me why. I was embarrassed, horrified and had no idea what to say (still don’t). My DH does not think I should say anything to my parents, my father is likely to either have forgotten the incident altogether (very likely), just deny it, or to say it was just a joke and not understand why anyone would make a fuss.

Should I do anything about this? It is not difficult for my stepdaughter to avoid my parents, they are here once every two to three years at the most. I just feel sad and angry that she has to.

that is enough,your SD knows you both support her.

No it isn't enough. It's the lowest possible bar you could set in support of her. The lowest (and still be considered supporting).

You have done everything you can to make everyone happy

Well yes exactly. everyone

But to me, your job here as a parent, isn't to make everyone happy. Your job is to support your DSD. You are worried about maximising happiness for you, your dh, your DM and DF and your DS (and your DSD). But this isn't a situation for utilitarian principals.

Someone has done something very wrong and you have to respond properly to that. Not in a way that puts your needs first, not when your child has been wronged.

I'm sorry to say, but you have chosen the easiest option for you. You have put yourself ahead of your child. I'm confused where your DH stands in all of this. Because if it comes down to siding with your parent or your child - it's a no-brainer isn't it? How is your DH not supporting his daughter more, given that you can't see clearly.

Oh God, what the OP’s dad said was actually bad enough “you should sleep with Ted”, said as an incredibly ill-tasteful joke. There is no need to turn it into the SD being told she should (commanded) to f* her uncle. That is not what was in the post!! Bangs head.
I hope you can step away from this thread, OP. I think you have probably got all you can from different perspectives. Please remember the more measured responses rather than the more vitriolic and black and white ones.

I actually do feel that I have responsibilities to everyone, not just my stepdaughter. Yes, I have the job of being a parent to my stepdaughters. I also have the equally important jobs of being a mother to my son, a wife to my husband and a daughter to my parents. I have to balance them. Which is what I am trying to do.

DH, who has spoken to his daughter at length about the whole thing, does not think we should say anything to my parents, although he fully supports his daughter in her reaction and her not wanting to see my father. He does not want confrontation either.

Actually, what my stepdaughter said to me, verbatim, was that "your father said I should f* Ted" (as I mentioned up thread). I do not know if those were my father's exact words, I was not there. It could be her interpretation of what he said.

I am going to step away now, and am waiting to hear from my stepdaughter about her further thoughts on this...I do appreciate the time people have taken to express their views and advice.

*I also have the equally important jobs of being a mother to my son, a wife to my husband and a daughter to my parents. I have to balance them. Which is what I am trying to do.
*

You don't have to balance them, you are choosing to. I think you are wrong that being a wife and daughter are equally important to being a mother.

But you don't as you have stated and that is also clear from how you have chosen to resolve this issue and that is up to you.

what the OP’s dad said was actually bad enough “you should sleep with Ted”, said as an incredibly ill-tasteful joke.

That was the watered-down (minimised) version. But see her later post Mon-16-Sep-19 08:30:12

What my stepdaughter actually said to me (of course I was not there so it is her account only): "he said I should f Ted".* )

And the OP has not said she thinks her DSD was exaggerating.

Grim.

You saying you won't be able to see your parents again if they don't come for Christmas is unreasonable. You could find a way.

My father is a kind...

Nope.

...funny...

Nope.

...loving person.

The fuck he is.

I bet he says he is though, I bet that is the narrative, the family line everyone has to toe. Your family sounds deeply toxic and, in this case, the fish rots from the head.

This song pretty much sums it up.
Watch the video. That's your lovely father.

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DbvqvRoMQ2Z8&ved=2ahUKEwjq383O6NXkAhWLRMAKHbPuCo0QwqsBMAB6BAgFEAQ&usg=AOvVaw1mfaOfotOsZ1rllM18zo1p" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DbvqvRoMQ2Z8&ved=2ahUKEwjq383O6NXkAhWLRMAKHbPuCo0QwqsBMAB6BAgFEAQ&usg=AOvVaw1mfaOfotOsZ1rllM18zo1p
🎵🎵🎵
"some other adjectives
People use to describe me:
Unduplicitous, unmalicious, unconniving, unnasty
You're clearly just adding 'un'
To words that describe you
Who? Me?

I'm Queen Watevra Wa'Nabi
I never trick people into trusting me
By hiding my true personalities
So I can use them to accomplish my evil deeds
'Cause that'd be evil and that's so not me

I never cheat, I never bribe, I never scheme, I never lie
And that wasn't a lie when I said just now that I never lie
'Cause I never lie and I never laugh when children cry
And I never poison enemies of mine"

Probably against the grain here and while I think your father is totally in the wrong and a bit sleezy I think not coming home for Xmas is a bit of an over reaction of your step daughter. He made a stupid joke, she should be resilient enough to just shake it off, if he makes anymore silly comments to her can she/you/your husband put him in his place?

if he makes anymore silly comments to her can she/you/your husband put him in his place?

They won't though will they. Op said she wouldn't bring it up, it'd be too upsetting apparently.

DSD knows this. That's why she's opting out. And very sadly, everyone involved is just letting her, actually paying for her to do so. Because really no-one has got her back.

I think if I were you and it was said to my DSD, I would make a point that the matter has been dealt with so that DSD is aware of it and feels more comfortable and not embarrassed or is afraid of telling me anything like this again.

I am glad you've a great and close relationship with your DSD but I think imo, it is important that you show her that it is her house and she shouldn't feel awkward to come to her own house. Trust me, she will always remember this.

I agree with @thecatinthetwat and @stepmumandmumtobe

So what has the OP decided about her Dad and his unacceptable comment to her stepdaughter?

I am glad I don't spend Christmas's with my Dad and stepmom tbh because they would ruin my Christmas - for a start my Dad hates onions so I would have to make him a separate gravy and give him no stuffing. As for his wife she is a lazy woman who expects every one to wait on her hand and foot including my hen pecked poor old Dad (he is 78 and she is 75 btw)

I will be spending Christmas with my daughter, her husband & son and my pig of a husband and my son.

Sounds to me like OP knows what she should do, but wants justification for doing what she wants to do.

Children, step or otherwise, 4 or 24, come first. If my dad said rubbish like that it would not go unmentioned to him and I would have no issues cancelling any visits.

To be honest I get where the OP is coming from. I had a similar setup with my mother before I went NC. Everything was very nicey-nice on the surface, but the slightest thing that didn't suit her and she'd be absolutely horrible. I felt based on what I knew about how she reacted that if I ever really pulled her up on something or enforced a boundary she would be so outraged and so unpleasant about it, not that she would cut me off but that I would be so disgusted by her behaviour that I would cut her off. The least mental effort was just to put up with her for a few days every six months or so and then celebrate when she left again. In the end she made some shite with one of my toddler DDs and that was the end of that, I was willing to tolerate a measure of it myself but when she started on the kids that was it. It's a bit different for the OP as SD is an adult I guess and can understand that her stepgrandfather being a dick has nothing to do with her personally. I don't know. If you have boundary-ignoring arsehole relatives, it doesn't matter how you deal with them, someone will think you are wrong. How nice it would be to just be related to decent people whom you could invite for Christmas and actually have a nice time with, you know?

I think the OP's arrangement for this year is fine but avoiding speaking to her father about this is very wrong. It's also unlikely this visit is the last time she will see her parents, they could easily have another 10 years of being well enough to visit. I doubt her husband would be so happy to not his a grandchild at Christmas.