To feel ashamed of wanting a baby so young?

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I'm 23 and fully aware that lots of women have had their DC at my age and younger (including my own DM). My partner of 6 years thinks having DC is something older people do, and has said he wants at least two but not until I'm over 30 as he doesnt think we'll be financially ready (he makes over 30k, I'm on minimum wage) or done doing stuff just the two of us until then. My parents meanwhile mention grandchildren wistfully in passing then panic that they're encouraging me to have DC young and give me a lecture on doing more with my life than they did first. Add to that the whole "children ruin your life" "women are trapped by children" narrative and I just feel stuck. Most of my friends from my home city have children, but none of my university friends that i live near now do so I'd expect judgement from my immediate circle as well.

I just feel like that's the next step in life I want to take. I've wanted DC for years, I have dreams where I'm pregnant or chasing a toddler or dropping off a teenager at school. I really want that life but it feels so unattainable right now. I know all I have to do is wait, but what am I waiting for? It seems such a waste to count the years down doing nothing purposeful with my life until its finally okay.

Ive lived with my partner for two years already. Ideally I'd like to be married first as well, which we've already spoken about and agree on more or less everything, though when I jokingly brought up proposing myself he shot me down and said he really wanted to do it as soon as he got a better paid job (which he has now, as of a few months ago) so I guess I'm waiting for that too.

I just feel so stuck in limbo and like I cant do anything or suggest anything without it being the wrong path in life to take. Aibu to feel this way?

I dont find her age in any relation to her acareer or wage tbh.

I'm 23 also, a homeowner and have a good career on considerably more than minimum wage.. yet if this were my post and I were asking if 23 is too young, noone would bat an eyelid because we are in a comfortable position.

Yes OP should try to focus on boosting her wage and if she wants to, look at career prospects, but many people have children without careers and are brilliant parents who dont regret a thing.

OP could land herself in a fantastic job that pays well in no time at all, then they are financially stable enough to consider children. She dowsnt have to wait until shes 30

@PoppingOneOutIn2020
"I dont find her age in any relation to her acareer or wage tbh."

It's related because she has time to improve her situation, if she was 33 I'm sure more people would be saying crack on with making babies as career will wait, biology won't. But in this situation time is on her side to improve her earning potential and it has the benefit of keeping her bloodiness distracted. As I say, I had a child in pretty much her situation actually, and while we've made it work it is not the easy way, and not something to be chosen, in my opinion.

PoppingOneOutIn2020 is there really any need to use personal insults? It’s possible to contribute to discussion without being rude

Broodiness not bloodiness ha!

OP, I firmly believe women shouldn’t have children they can’t afford. Your boyfriend can afford kids but you can’t. Get yourself in a position where you can and then I’d say it would be ok to go ahead if it’s what you really want. You think the father will find your life but that’s often not how it works. Basically you’d be counting on his good grace the rest of your life. That’s not safe or wise. And it’s not just your life you’d be gambling with.

Find=fund

I would look at studying/changing careers to increase your earnings beyond minimum wage before you consider kids, childcare is expensive and £30k is a low income but too high for most benefits. You are not too young in age but financially it's not viable yet

I would wait OP. I had my twins at 34 (despite having endometriosis and adenomyosis and being told I’d be unlikely to get pregnant, I got pregnant right away) and holy god it’s hard. They are both disabled. We are very limited in what we can do, and my whole life revolves around them

• as it should, but I’m glad I got to experience a good career, travel, being free from this major responsibility for a lot of years or I would be really struggling right now (well, even more than I am).

My only regret is that my mum died a year before they were born. I wish she were still here, but she developed terminal cancer and it was very unexpected.

You have so much time - of course it’s attainable, but I would enjoy your 20s. Maybe further education, training, something to set you up for later. We were very lucky to be able to buy a house when our twins were babies and it has made so much difference to how secure we feel.

@PoppingOneOutIn2020
Your employment of personal insults when not needed illustrates perfectly why having children so young - 22 I believe - can sometimes produce immature parents.

Wealth enables you to ensure that your children are fed enough, fed well, housed in safe and suitable conditions, clothed appropriately, and given the care that they need
The OP isn’t living in poverty though...you can do all the above on a lower wage than average don’t mistake ‘poorer than average’ for ‘living in poverty’

YANBU to want DC but don't rush. Women have children well into their 30's and 40's. You are still young but it's not to say you need to wait until your 30. A lot can change in a year or 2. You need to be in agreement, once you have children everything changes and you may never then afford the wedding you want, so one step at a time. However my grandmother always said if you wait until you can afford children, you'd never have any!
One small piece of advice is to get yourself in a career which you can fit around children. If you intend to return to work after having children, it is a lot easier said than done. I work nights so I can be there for my children in the day, and don't need to use expensive childcare as DH is home when I'm working. It sucks massively, am always tired but I wouldn't want a 9-5 and miss out on my children growing up. Obviously each to their own and some people have to work more, and make the most of evenings and weekends together, or are lucky enough to have free childcare from grandparents which opens up many more opportunities. However for me, childcare is too expensive, and part time work is just not available in my previous field of work, so I have been jack of all trades since becoming a mum, which I knew I always wanted to be a mum but I wish perhaps I had a different skill set to make being a working mum easier!
I like to believe everything happens for a reason, our lives are mapped out for us and what will be, will be. I hope you get your dream, but don't obsess over it. Enjoy the here and now

DD1 was born when I was 25, DD2 when I was 26. I'm now 33. I can't imagine only starting to have kids now. We've been married nine years and done a lot in that time. We've lived in three different countries (as have DDs). We've visited quite a few more. We don't really do clubbing etc, but our friends and ourselves have house parties with the children (and were not really loud music sorts anyway). I admittedly don't have a career, but I sort of accepted that when I became a trailing spouse

That being said, you aren't me. We all have different circumstances and you have to do what's right for your circumstances. So you aren't too young, but it may not be the best time, especially if your partner isn't ready.

All those saying that childcare are expensive, if you are entitled to tax credits you get up to 70% of your childcare covered.

Is not are

@sweatyscruffy the OP would be over the threshold with 1 child, it's that awkward salary amount just outside of help.

Actually you're right, we earn £32,000 together and get most of ours paid.

i had my 1st when i was 28 and my notes said old 1st tine parent, when i had my 3rd at aged 34 my notes said geriatric parent 😂

@sweatyscruffy yeah I can't remember the threshold for one child it's in the 30s I believe (childcare element, not standard) it's over £50k for 2 though.

YANBU OP
You should not feel any shame for wanting to have kids at age 23.
Nor should you feel shame about not having a high paid career, not owning a home and not having had an Insta-worthy wedding.

However, you do need your partner to agree. He sounds unreasonable to me by demanding you not even discuss it until you are 30!! That is a long time to wait and what if he wants to wait even longer? You could end up 38 with no kids and single. You need to tell him to decide kids yes or no and before 30, or break up and find a partner who is ready

Not everyone wants to spend their 20/30s partying....others would rather spend their 40s travelling instead of handling young kids. There are career advantages to getting kids out the way early. They can all be in school by the time you are 30 and you have the next 35 yrs to climb the ladder instead of climbing for 15yrs, taking a break and then climbing 20yrs.

Had a kid by accident.
Financially I wasn't prepared, I did not have minimum wage but I also lived life to the full so had barely any savings.
Baby father was abroad so I had to decide either move to him or bring up child alone.

It all worked out.

This whole money thing with mnetters and their middle class bullshit, forget it. Yes you gotta feed children etc but you two aren't exactly poor and will get benefits of some kind I'm sure (I don't have any so I have no idea what there is) but people raise families on benefits. So you're one step ahead having an income.

My issue would be not your youth, as clearly its something you want. Not your finances, I like to say, things usually work out some how (it might get tough though). But the fact your partner doesn't want to have children yet. That's the biggest issue imo.

PS. Cousin and husband started trying for a baby after marriage at 22 or something. Turns out she couldn't easily get pregnant. They tried for 5 years or more with Dr's etc. Imagine not knowing either person has an harder time getting pregnant and finding out at 30. They have the one baby now but it was a hard road, she doesn't know if she can do it again.
If it's something you really want then it's also a conversation to have. At least waiting knowing it's possible is easier.

Just don't waste years waiting for your partner to propose. I get the impression he's in no hurry to.do it anytime soon.

30 isn’t considered an old mother! What utter nonsense!