To tel SIL they are not broke

[Toodlehoooo]

I will cut a long story short, I’m very close to DB and DSIL. I know that they have two properties mortgage free and also that as we both had an inheritance that they have 50k of investments. They both work, her part time.But here is why I am starting to have issues. SIL acts like they have NO money, she is constantly “on a budget” she sets herself budgets for food, clothing etc and will NOT budge. She turns off lights and tv when ppl are practically still in the room. If I suggest going to a new place for dinner she will go and have a look at the menu and then say “oh it’s too expensive shall we just go to wetherspoons?” She is always saying oh that’s a lot of money, oh I couldn’t spend d that. She got her dc’s school uniform all second hand from a friend and even shops around for school socks!!
Now I know a lot of you will think oh well she’s being conscious etc but it’s verging on obsession, if we meet for a coffee she will have one in her take way cup from home with her and let me purchase my coffee! 😬 it’s embarrassing.
Is this her being tight or frugal? I’m all for saving money but I feel like she is taking it all to another level. There’s not a minute in a conversation where money down get mentioned. They have never been poor so it’s not something that came from childhood either 🙈 I am preparing to be flamed here but should I say something or just distance myself because I just can’t watch it any longer!!

“she has a card for his account so is not being financially abused*”

Sorry, but that means nothing. A former colleague didn’t have her own account but had a card on her husband’s. Came from USA. Was told by him that she didn’t need an account. Had her wages paid into his account for household spending so that his income could be invested. She assumed for both their benefit. Caught him being unfaithful and started divorce proceedings. First thing that happened is her cards were blocked so she had no access to any money. Second thing was she discovered that as the investments are all solely in his name and were made from his account, she will have no claim on them (not in UK) despite her money having been used to make them possible.
Obviously not suggesting that your db would do anything like that, just saying that having access to a dh’s account is absolutely no guarantee that a wife is not being financially abused

I have a friend like this and it is ruining our friendship. Every time we go out we have to go somewhere she likes (is cheap enough) and she gets very passive aggressive about the price of things if we persuade her to go elsewhere. She is also incredibly judgmental about other people’s spending. It is so tiring to talk to her about anything money related.

A great example of this is my birthday night out. I had started to arrange something that involved going for a nice meal and cocktails. But once she was invited she started to moan about the place I’d booked and the expense. It makes inviting her anywhere impossible.

And I know it is just tightness because she tells me how much she earns and how much she saves. She is money obsessed!

I would suggest that her frugality is why they are very comfortably off. If you are this sort of person, from either personality trait or past experiences where she had to be careful with money, it means that the money stays ‘at home’, and accumulates. I’m in the fortunate position where we don’t have to worry about money, but I always enjoy getting a ‘bargain’ (which sometimes turns out not to be such a bargain!) and try to weigh up in my mind whether a purchase is worth it. If it annoys you, just don’t engage. Enjoy a coffee on your own!

A colleague from a previous job would take tins from the off license into the pub because he felt the pub prices were too high. He'd make no attempt to hide it either (he thought he was making a principled stand for the ordinary consumer). I was mortified with embarrasment, until the time he got thrown out by the landlady.

Of course you will get all the MN contrary bores who will tell you it’s none of your business, that she is to be commended, that you don’t know what’s really going on etc but I agree with you it’s utterly tedious and irritating. It’s not like she isn’t buying expensive handbags, she won’t spring for a cup of coffee and extra chicken for guests. My SIL also always goes on about being on a budget and is really tight about certain things (generally involving the family and being very precise about who pays what to the point that it’s weird) but then they eat out all the time, go on expensive holidays and buy an expensive new car. It’s so boring to listen to as well as utterly ridiculous.

Judging by Chicken Gate there is clearly an underlying issue.

I would have a proper conversation and tell her you're concerned. Say you have no interest in knowing the bottom line of her bank account and you admire her self control but her behaviour is bordering on obsessive and it's giving you cause for concern regarding her welfare.

She will either tell you or not. If not I would tell her her behaviour is too much for you, particularly when every conversation is about money and if you can't find a middle ground you will be cutting back on the social visits.

Is it possible her DH has all the money and he's put on rations?

With certain things I’m quite ‘tight’. I would prefer to spend less now and retire earlier. We have a good family income but I shop around/buy clothes in charity shops etc etc. I do it because I’m trying to reduce our impact on the environment and live more simply. I’m not a massive foodie so don’t spend loads eating out - i’d rather cook nice meals at home. I wouldn’t judge. SHe jones quite sensible - add up all those coffees over 20 years and that’s a lot of money!!!

A lot people here not appreciating what you're saying, OP. You're concerned about a possible obsession/anxiety problem with your SIL. It's always the same here; people starting to commend the uncommendable, calling it 'normal'. No forest for the trees and all that. It's not the non-spending that is bothering OP; it's the obsessive mentioning of it.

OP, this doesn't sound sound, it's Scrooge all over.

OP, next time you meet for coffee, take your own also and then "Oh, what a shame, we'll have to drink them out here".

I think everyone saying 'good on her, nothing wrong with bring frugal' are missing the point. I dont think anyone wants to talk about money 24/7. It sounds so dull. It would drive me insane and I would have to ask her to discuss something else.

I get the sense the OP doesnt care much how frugal they are, just that she is sick of it dominating conversation. I am mid 30s and no longer talk about finances with friends/family. Seemed acceptable when everyone was in the same boat, trying to save for a deposit, clear student debt, get promotions etc. But now everyone is more settled I honestly dont see the point. Assuming your DB SIL are similar ages if not older.

I don't see it as tight I see it as careful? It's good she's taking a reusable cup from home as it's not wasting plastic/paper etc. It's good for the economy to buy second hand.

Why pay more for something if you don't have to?

Can't comment on the dinners at restaurants though unless you're going out all the time?

I've been skint my whole life and still am. It's just the way people live. I think if I came in to money I'd still be the same

I’d be impressed actually. Hate wasting money. We are living longer, they will probably need mover later in life. If she’s singing off you, that’s s different matter. However you don’t say this.

Sponging .... not singing

Nothing duller than someone constantly talking about money, particularly when they have it.

Always droning on about money is vulgar.

She definitely sounds as if she knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

There is nothing wrong with being careful with money but the chicken example is extremely weird and it's hard to believe your brother isn't well aware.

She's either being given very little to live on or she is a unwell.

I think she is BU for going on about it. Shopping around for socks is sensible. Telling everyone about it is just odd and awkward!

I'm frugal in some things - so I bring my water bottle to the cinema with me ( so glad I can claim it's an eco thing rather than just being tight) I'll happily buy DSs uniform second hand and I bring my own coffee into work.

I would however draw the line at bringing my own coffee into a coffee shop as that would just be weird. I'd be so embarrassed if someone did that OP, I think I'd need to say something to them as it's cringeworthy wrongness.

You can't change her. I'd not do any outings involving food, or spending money. If she keeps talking about money do a little head tilt and go " Is everything all right for you financially?" and then do it every time she mentions finances again " I know you said things were ok, but are you sure, really?". You could have fun with it, if she mentions holidays " Oh that sounds awfully expensive, we only ever do The Sun £9.50 caravan holidays, anything more is a waste ".

@Toodlehoooo - I could not stand this, it is absolutely pathetic. She should see how poor people HAVE to manage. I would distance myself from her and her budget

I would suggest that her frugality is why they are very comfortably off.

'Course. Everyone knows that NOT having a coffee every now and again will give you an income matching that of 2 mortgage-free properties

FFS

I have a friend like this. She comes from a very well of family, has never really worked, then a few years ago inherited over a million pounds. The way she behaves and makes you feel when it comes to paying or buying basic stuff (lunch, food, tips in restaurants) you would think she's lives on the bread line. The coffee thing sounds so familiar.

I think it's driven by control, almost similar to an eating disorder. She has to account for every penny and spend as little as possible. It's almost like a punishment and really sucks the joy out of life.

The definitions up thread sum it up perfectly. Impacting on others is not ok. The coffee is unacceptable behaviour. She should not go if not prepared to lay and I think this is one instance you could say something. You can say gently that if not wanting to spend she shouldn't come along
We've all snuck mini bottles gin in handbags to posh events and just bought mixers no? Not so much these days but it's kind of a half way house of spend / save. But this is another level mean!

^ but it’s not just the coffees though, is it. If she is tight then she probably isn’t spending in other areas either.

For those saying that the SIL may have mental health or financial worries, I disagree. Some people just don’t like spending money, in the same way that other people may like spending money. There is a great programme on Sky, called Extreme Cheapskates and it’s full of people who don’t like spending money and are actually proud of the lengths they will go to, to save a couple of pennies. Examples;
Hanging out tissues to try so they can be reused.
Bin diving for food
Washing clothes whilst taking a shower

I'm all for not having to spend were I can save and I do get a buzz when I get something decent for a great price. But this is too far. As people have said if she has anxiety maybe it's why but otherwise she sounds really tight, bringing your own coffee to a cafe is cheeky and getting worked up over spending on extra chicken . Even though it's their business I'd find it odd and annoying also.

Just thought I would give an update, I actually can’t get too into it too much but as my suspicion was somewhat right. She is having major issues. My DB is freaking out as she has been controlling the family finances since they had their last dc. She has gotten progressively worse, she gives him an allowance and is doesn’t see another penny until the following week. She criticizes all of his spending etc.
I spoke to DSIL (nicely and from a concerned persons point of view) this morning and she called DB at work accusing him of “talking” to me behind her back.
I got an ear full from her but DB is freaking out now because he went to the bank this afternoon and she had changed the pin code.
My poor mum has known for a while as my dB has to borrow money from her to pay for a work evening (he is a boss so had to be there) he told DSIL that work was paying otherwise she said he couldn’t go. We are all at a loss here, we are all very upset. I never ever thought that this could be happening, I would much rather she was just being frugal now!! 😭
DB is staying at ours tonight to have a think. There’s a lot more to it that I won’t get into. But thank you for your kind words those of you who could see my concerns.

I know exactly how frustrating this is. I have a friend who behaves just like this. It’s frustrating and embarrassing. They act like they’re in such a difficult space, but actually way more better off financially than they make out. Her not wanting to feed the extended family is just mortifying. Could you perhaps ask your DB about it?

Thanks for the update