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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tel SIL they are not broke

294 replies

Toodlehoooo · 15/09/2019 19:08

I will cut a long story short, I’m very close to DB and DSIL. I know that they have two properties mortgage free and also that as we both had an inheritance that they have 50k of investments. They both work, her part time.But here is why I am starting to have issues. SIL acts like they have NO money, she is constantly “on a budget” she sets herself budgets for food, clothing etc and will NOT budge. She turns off lights and tv when ppl are practically still in the room. If I suggest going to a new place for dinner she will go and have a look at the menu and then say “oh it’s too expensive shall we just go to wetherspoons?” She is always saying oh that’s a lot of money, oh I couldn’t spend d that. She got her dc’s school uniform all second hand from a friend and even shops around for school socks!!
Now I know a lot of you will think oh well she’s being conscious etc but it’s verging on obsession, if we meet for a coffee she will have one in her take way cup from home with her and let me purchase my coffee! 😬 it’s embarrassing.
Is this her being tight or frugal? I’m all for saving money but I feel like she is taking it all to another level. There’s not a minute in a conversation where money down get mentioned. They have never been poor so it’s not something that came from childhood either 🙈 I am preparing to be flamed here but should I say something or just distance myself because I just can’t watch it any longer!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Toodlehoooo · 15/09/2019 19:39

DB is a high earner 70k ish they don’t have car payments as cars are secondhand! They have long term tenants in their other property so that’s another income technically. Confused

OP posts:
Supersimkin · 15/09/2019 19:41

She's tight and a bore. But unless she starts being grabby - is she already? - I'd leave it and do things together that don't involve spending.

Original poster
Toodlehoooo · 15/09/2019 19:41

@Runningsmooth “chickengate” 🤣🤣
I must tell dh that we were calling it “that time with the chicken”

OP posts:
Original poster
Toodlehoooo · 15/09/2019 19:43

@Supersimkin no never grabby! Just obsessed I think. I’m starting to think there’s something going on in her head? I might ask her if she’s ok (from an anxiety point of view)?? I am now freaking out wondering if she is building up funds to leave DB?? Shock

OP posts:
73Sunglasslover · 15/09/2019 19:44

I agree that it's odd that this bothers you as it's just a choice she's making and she's not asking you for handouts. Why should she spend more than she wants to at a restaurant just to keep you happy? I'd only be willing to spend more if I thought the food would be worth it and lots of restaurant menus are not inspiring me at the moment. She may feel uncomfortable with your DB contributing more to the finances than her and feel that this is doing her bit to help. I really think you need to just accept that her choices are different than yours.

BogglesGoggles · 15/09/2019 19:44

They’re just being responsible. Realistically they’re clearly not loaded. They’re going to need their modest assets to fund their retirement and aged care. If they plan to help their children on to the housing ladder etc then they’ll need to save more. It’s not like they’re refusing to pay for essentials or asking you for money,

Happypelican · 15/09/2019 19:45

Maybe because she doesn’t earn as much and it’s more her husband money she might feel uncomfortable spending it? Or not want family to think she’s just with him for money and that’s she cautious with it

narkedinNI · 15/09/2019 19:45

I actually think it's a really good way to be (with the exception of BYO coffee into a cafe) and we should be more encouraging of this way of life to our dc. I think things have gone the opposite way; there are so many people living lifestyles that they cannot afford and debt is just so acceptable now.

I am on benefits as I am a carer to ds who has complex care needs. I am very frugal, buy nearly everything second hand, reduced food, check comparison sites, furniture from charity shops etc. I don't spend on hair/beauty. I always have contingency money in the bank. Not thousands, but hundreds. A school mum who is also on benefits always makes fun of me and my old (iphone 4, hand me down from my DM) phone, my 15 year old car and 2nd hand furniture saying she would be so embarrassed to be seen with me. She prioritises her home decor over food for her dc, saying that I don't know what it is like to live in poverty Hmm Her attitude and terrible budgeting is the cause for her difficulties. She would rather buy new paint/wallpaper for her house and then go to the foodbank.

misspiggy19 · 15/09/2019 19:45

She’s tight. And a borebag. How weird to turn every conversation to money.

^This. She is a tight and stingy. I would embarrassed if one of my friends got a coffee flask out in a coffee shop. Who does that?

Oakmaiden · 15/09/2019 19:46

she has a card for his account so is not being financially abused*

Well, you can't guarantee this, although I will grant you it seems less likely since he insisted on going to buy extra chicken. But it could be that at the end of the week her husband sits her down with all the receipts for her week's spending and makes her justify every purchase. It could even be that the £x for chicken will have to come out of the carefully planned housekeeping budget, that she is not allowed to go over budget and will be chatised if she does, regardless if the fact it went over was because of a purchase she didn't choose to make.

I am not saying this is likely, but no-one ever knows what might go on...

MsTSwift · 15/09/2019 19:46

It’s not a good way to be. It’s weird and joyless.

Oakmaiden · 15/09/2019 19:47

I would embarrassed if one of my friends got a coffee flask out in a coffee shop. Who does that?

Don't Costa sell reusable cups for this very purpose?

eeksville · 15/09/2019 19:48

My mum has a relative like this. No reason for frugality, wealthy family, 3 properties, 100k plus income. The conclusion is she is just tight. If they are coming to dinner you have to cook more as her husband & dcs are ravenous & if they are hosting it's will be a McDonalds on the way there or back as portions are teeny.
I think being frugal is a good thing but not when you restrict yourself to the point you can't pay for a coffee.

Herocomplex · 15/09/2019 19:48

Do you get on Ok with your brother? Can you just ask him if everything’s ok?

I’d rather pay for meals/coffee/drinks for people than be bored to death by penny pinching. If you’ve got no money do something free and take a flask. Not having the wherewithal for a family meal is weird, cut the chicken up and make rice and veg for everyone. It’s a state of mind, and not very generous.

Original poster
Toodlehoooo · 15/09/2019 19:49

I am spend conscious too don’t get me wrong, I don’t waste money and I don’t buy EVERYTHING I see fit. I But I feel like this is getting worse as the years go by! They go on holiday every year so imo if they were in dire straits this would be the first thing to go!! It’s hard to not see it happen as we only live a few streets away.

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Original poster
Toodlehoooo · 15/09/2019 19:52

@Oakmaiden I hear what you are saying but DB is not like that at all, he’s not a massive slender either though so she’s not trying to make up for his shortfalls?

In regards to the coffee...she brings her own cup filled with her own coffee!! 🙈

OP posts:
feelingsicknow · 15/09/2019 19:52

Hmm, from the outside we appear well off (pretty small mortgage, good incomes, all the mod cons etc) and friends know we had a large inheritance.

However, I am a compulsive shopper and have spent way more than we have since being on Mat leave and am now in 30k credit card debt and can barely sleep at night. I am guilty and ashamed and now avoid doing anything that costs me money.

You don't always know what people's circumstances are so I suggest you cut her a bit of slack.

HeadintheiClouds · 15/09/2019 19:53

Is she actually claiming to be broke? It sounds like she’s just careful with money, which is how she has two mortgage free houses!

It’s entirely up to her how she prioritises her spending.

Original poster
Toodlehoooo · 15/09/2019 19:54

@Herocomplex yes I would be close! I have thought about it but I don’t want her to get upset as we are just as close. She would be upset if I went to him and not straight to her iyswim.

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 15/09/2019 19:56

I assume this very frugal way of living is the reason why they have two mortgage free homes. It's a bit excessive but it's obviously working well for them!

I would find it annoying that they turn every conversation to money, I would probably just interrupt and talk about something else, but otherwise I think they're just being sensible. If a person's worst crimes include buying secondhand cars and shopping around for socks, I think they're doing just fine.

Original poster
Toodlehoooo · 15/09/2019 19:56

@HeadintheiClouds I’m going to be honest my dB has the first property prior to marriage and paid it off himself. Then she sold her property and they bought their house with a small mortgage (less than a years wage) you see I know all this because DB used to be (and still can) be quite boastful.

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 15/09/2019 19:57

she brings her own cup filled with her own coffee

OK, yeah. That is strange.

saraclara · 15/09/2019 19:57

I would embarrassed if one of my friends got a coffee flask out in a coffee shop. Who does that?

Don't Costa sell reusable cups for this very purpose?

No, Costa sells reusable cups for you to take to have the coffee that YOU'VE PAID THEM FOR put straight into the reusable cup. Not to take filled with your own coffee, to drink in their own premises instead of buying theirs!

Beautiful3 · 15/09/2019 19:59

My fil pleads poverty too. I pointed out to him that he can't be poor. As hes living in a very nice property in a good area with an auldi and a convertable sports car on the drive! He also eats in expensive restaurants three times a week. 🙄

eeksville · 15/09/2019 20:00

I also know from experience that it's quite annoying doing things with someone who doesn't want to spend money. I had a friend who was saving but still wanted to go out to coffee shops, restaurants, bars etc. This often involved me having a drink or a coffee or some food whilst she sat there with tap water & bread. We couldn't really both do that as most eateries want you to spend some money. After a while I only agreed to meet her at home but soon stopped that as at hers I would have to get myself a sandwich & crisps from Tesco etc as I was only ever offered tap water.