Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tel SIL they are not broke

294 replies

Toodlehoooo · 15/09/2019 19:08

I will cut a long story short, I’m very close to DB and DSIL. I know that they have two properties mortgage free and also that as we both had an inheritance that they have 50k of investments. They both work, her part time.But here is why I am starting to have issues. SIL acts like they have NO money, she is constantly “on a budget” she sets herself budgets for food, clothing etc and will NOT budge. She turns off lights and tv when ppl are practically still in the room. If I suggest going to a new place for dinner she will go and have a look at the menu and then say “oh it’s too expensive shall we just go to wetherspoons?” She is always saying oh that’s a lot of money, oh I couldn’t spend d that. She got her dc’s school uniform all second hand from a friend and even shops around for school socks!!
Now I know a lot of you will think oh well she’s being conscious etc but it’s verging on obsession, if we meet for a coffee she will have one in her take way cup from home with her and let me purchase my coffee! 😬 it’s embarrassing.
Is this her being tight or frugal? I’m all for saving money but I feel like she is taking it all to another level. There’s not a minute in a conversation where money down get mentioned. They have never been poor so it’s not something that came from childhood either 🙈 I am preparing to be flamed here but should I say something or just distance myself because I just can’t watch it any longer!!

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 17/09/2019 04:53

@Supersimkin
"Don't believe a word the abuser says, for a start, and go in hard using the authorities. SIL may have mitigating circs, but those aren't the real issue; restoring order is,"

Firstly you've got to establish who the abuser is. The mitigating circumstances are everything. A family court would want to preserve the relationship between a Mother and children, if possible, so her mental state and issues need addressing.

Restoring order? You can't wipe a Mother out of a family and it's business as usual. You're dealing with humans not robots.

blackcat86 · 17/09/2019 05:09

This is a abuse and happens to a family member. Their partner was hoarding money, property and possessions and leaving them wealthy on paper but destitute in real life. They were controlling in other ways to and when they died suddenly the rest of the family saw the true extent of it. No working cooker or washing machine, a house riddled with mould, no luxuries or fun things of any kind. It was horrible to see and has left the surviving partner with a lot of MH issues to recover from a real anxiety about most things in life.

Userzzzzz · 17/09/2019 05:19

This is why people should read the thread. After the update, there are still jaunty posts about being careful with money. The situation has obviously been going on s while and gradually getting worse. Your brother is fortunate in that it is him that is earning the bulk of the money so he can just change where his salary goes. He should be able to access joint accounts but it might take time. She has clearly become extreme to the point of being financially abusive and probably to the children as well.

Aroundnabout1 · 17/09/2019 06:50

I find people who are tight to the point of it being ridiculous are also tight with their kindness and time. This is usually what I've seen. Life's too short.

tempnamechange98765 · 17/09/2019 06:54

I've got a friend like this. She's well off, really pretty well off. But she's the tightest person on earth. She makes her own cleaning spray FFS! And always has an opinion on where we eat out etc. It's definitely an obsession though, I think it goes deeper than being frugal or careful with money. I imagine your SILs is an obsession as well rather than purely trying to save money?

tempnamechange98765 · 17/09/2019 07:02

Sorry I just saw your update, that's awful, your poor DB. She obviously has some very deep issues here. I hope it gets sorted.

echt · 17/09/2019 07:50

This is why people should read the thread. After the update, there are still jaunty posts about being careful with money

The OP is now under a different username so if, as I do, MNers set their screens to highlight the OP's posts, it will not show up.

woodchuck99 · 17/09/2019 08:00

I got an ear full from her but DB is freaking out now because he went to the bank this afternoon and she had changed the pin code.

How can changing her pin code effect whether he can get money out?Confused DH and I have a joint bank account but we don't share pin codes to access or anything else. Nothing I do effects his access.

Toodlehooo · 17/09/2019 08:06

Because she had both cards and he went home took one and couldn’t use it!

woodchuck99 · 17/09/2019 08:10

Because she had both cards and he went home took one and couldn’t use it!

Why would she have both cards though and why give him one if she knew she had changed the pin number and he wouldn't be able to use it? The normal thing to do would be for each person to have one card and their pin numbers to be different. Sorry but this doesn't add up.

LagunaBubbles · 17/09/2019 08:17

OP have you name changed? I can't see an update highlighted.

nettie434 · 17/09/2019 08:33

Laguna Yes the OP name changed and there is an update at about 22 26 last night. OP - glad your brother has you to help him and hope the links that other posters gave you are helpful.

Larlarleighlee · 17/09/2019 08:46

.

Toodlehooo · 17/09/2019 09:07

Sorry yes I NC’d and then NC’d back in but missed an “o” 🙈

IrmaFayLear · 17/09/2019 09:40

I have known a few people like this.

My aunt went to greater and greater lengths to avoid spending money. When she died she left over £2million (which my feckless cousin disposed of pretty quickly...). It got worse and worse and in the end she was living on value potatoes and sitting in the dark every evening, not wanting to turn a light on and not even watch television.

One time my other aunt bought her a blouse from M&S for Christmas but cut the label off to prevent my aunt returning it, and she went absolutely mad , screaming and crying - I suppose because she wouldn't get the satisfaction of returning it and getting the money back.

Aderyn19 · 17/09/2019 09:55

If she's that controlling she will have logged onto internet banking using his passwords and username, then changed things as if she was him.
I also think he needs to shut down this account and transfer everything that is his elsewhere and lock down her ability to make financial decisions for him.
I feel sorry for her if this has morphed out of some kind of undiagnosed PND but he can't let it continue. I think he has to insist she gets some help and in the meantime he takes control of his own income and the decisions regarding spending on the DC.

woodchuck99 · 17/09/2019 10:49

If she's that controlling she will have logged onto internet banking using his passwords and username, then changed things as if she was him.

But why would she know his user names and passwords for the bank account in the first place? It's not as if she needs them to log into the account. She can use her own to log in.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/09/2019 10:57

Why would she have both cards though and why give him one if she knew she had changed the pin number and he wouldn't be able to use it? The normal thing to do would be for each person to have one card and their pin numbers to be different. Sorry but this doesn't add up

From my understanding she didn't give him the card he took it.
And we aren't dealing with a normal situation. From ops update this is more of a financially abusive situation possibly due to some underlying mental health issue

Aderyn19 · 17/09/2019 11:21

I know my husband's log in details. We are both forgetful so have them written down in a safe place. We don't hide this information from each other. If I was so inclined, I could log in as if I was him.

woodchuck99 · 17/09/2019 11:23

From my understanding she didn't give him the card he took it.

Then he must have given it to her in the first place. Why would he do that and why wouldn't she just cut the card up or hide it rather than bothering to change the pin. Anyway, she can't block access if he is a joint holder as he just needs to phone the bank to get another pin etc issued. Obviously she might just have transferred the money but again why would she then go to the effort of changing the pin rather than destroying the card.

woodchuck99 · 17/09/2019 11:28

I know my husband's log in details. We are both forgetful so have them written down in a safe place. We don't hide this information from each other. If I was so inclined, I could log in as if I was him.

What is the point of knowing his log in details when you can log in with your own. If you are writing them down anyway in a safe place why does the other person need to know the details? DH and I are not hiding things from each other by not giving or asking for this information. We just not learning or keeping pointless information for the sake of it. There is enough to remember anyway and if you are forgetful why would you add to the things to remember?

lovemenorca · 17/09/2019 11:36

OP, you say that your DB is boastful etc. You completely, immediately dismissed him being possibly financially abusive. Which is something you can't be sure of.

Disagree. It’s called genuinely knowing and trusting someone through growing up with them, living with them and knowing them for decades

My brother - I could be 100% sure he would never financially abuse a partner

AllModra · 17/09/2019 11:43

Your OP and several comments sound like you're describing my mum. She wasn't born into money and has had to earn everything but there have been inheritances and early retirements and I get sick of talking to her now because money comes up all the time. I'm constantly having it rubbed in my face. If I pay a quid for her to come with us somewhere having a fun day etc, she has to make a big deal out of my doing that, I remind her it's a quid, not a hundred quid, and no I don't need it back (even though I don't have an income and sometimes wish I had a quid spare for a chocolate bar). Frustrates the hell out of me. It's boring too. I grew up with this attitude and as a child I never had anything exciting or had the Disney experience or anything which wasn't cut from a newspaper deal and mostly paid for by a grandparent. My parents own two places outright and rent one out. I give up. For me there's always been more to life than how much you've got in investments.

AllModra · 17/09/2019 11:48

Ah there's been a name change fail. I missed that.

In my parents household though, whilst my father has been an abusive prick over the years, it's my mum who he relies on to organise things and keep track of what has come in and out. So I know there's no financial abuse going on, they're as bad as each other. I've had several decades to observe this and analyse it. I'm sorry OPs brother is in this situation. She sounds so unwell.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/09/2019 11:55

woodchuck99

You are still looking at this as that it isn't an abusive situation.

It is like looking at someone who has been beaten up by their husband and wondering why they stay.
I am helping a friend through a divorce after an abusive marriage and you will be surprised at what people do and normalise when their is abuse and control.

Swipe left for the next trending thread