To tel SIL they are not broke

[Toodlehoooo]

I will cut a long story short, I’m very close to DB and DSIL. I know that they have two properties mortgage free and also that as we both had an inheritance that they have 50k of investments. They both work, her part time.But here is why I am starting to have issues. SIL acts like they have NO money, she is constantly “on a budget” she sets herself budgets for food, clothing etc and will NOT budge. She turns off lights and tv when ppl are practically still in the room. If I suggest going to a new place for dinner she will go and have a look at the menu and then say “oh it’s too expensive shall we just go to wetherspoons?” She is always saying oh that’s a lot of money, oh I couldn’t spend d that. She got her dc’s school uniform all second hand from a friend and even shops around for school socks!!
Now I know a lot of you will think oh well she’s being conscious etc but it’s verging on obsession, if we meet for a coffee she will have one in her take way cup from home with her and let me purchase my coffee! 😬 it’s embarrassing.
Is this her being tight or frugal? I’m all for saving money but I feel like she is taking it all to another level. There’s not a minute in a conversation where money down get mentioned. They have never been poor so it’s not something that came from childhood either 🙈 I am preparing to be flamed here but should I say something or just distance myself because I just can’t watch it any longer!!

He brings home, after tax about £4.5k, even if she only has £10k per year that's about £800 per month, and they have a rental which is mortgage free so even if the income is £500 after any tax they are on nearly £6k after tax per month with no mortgage to pay. They would have to have some crazy debts or plans to be "poor" or "broke" on that.

My mum was a bit like this, back in the day.
Growing up, we were never poor (big inheritances from grandparents and parents came in quite early), but I always found mum's spending a bit odd.
For instance, fruit and veg always came from the market, in order to save money, yet she'd do all the rest of the food shop at Waitrose, when there was a Tesco and a Somerfield in equal distance.

She's always been really careful with everything she acquires. For instance, plastic bags were always carefully folded up and saved. Spread containers always washed out, and she'd see if she could repurpose them, before throwing them away.

Even now, she's frugal. For instance, it would never even cross her mind to nip out for a coffee, just for fun, "but I've got coffee at home".

I think a lot of people just mindlessly spend, out of boredom. My mum's just never been like that. If she's bored she'll sit with her book, or a puzzle, or go and potter in the garden. She'd never, ever, ever go shopping for fun! It honestly would never cross her mind.

Cattestreete, your definition as follows:-

frugal = your strong propensity to save money affects only you.
tight = your strong propensity to save money starts to affect others.

is excellent.

I would say I am frugal to the point of ridiculousness due to my very financially restricted early years and my desire to be financially secure whatever happens. However, my DH and I hate stinginess and when we have guests or go to others we try to be as generous and open handed as possible. (Bottle of Champagne, bottle of wine, flowers and chocolates at the least.)

However, while we were once quite well off when we both worked we are in somewhat reduced circumstances due to redundancy and early retirement. We are not at the bottom yet but we play 'the game' which is to be as frugal as we can get away with. We spend nothing unnecessarily, often managing 'NSDs (no spend days), we have cheap or free pleasures (reading, walking, National Trust visits on a membership card), we hunt for yellow sticker bargains (of nice things) and plan meals around them, budget everything, have an account book that tracks every penny and so on.

In my view, beyond a certain point where you have the necessities of life, money is not for buying stuff but is for security, autonomy, choice and freedom.

stayathomer I too have a book that I write all my direct debits and general outgoings in so I know where I am up to but my mother had a book where she would write what I had for breakfast dinner and tea and to drink and the cost in.

kateandme yes a padded cell and straight jacket.

x2boys this was in the 60s and early 70s.
She also had electric shock treatment so many times it left her unable to recognise me.

She had tried to kill me on some murder suicide plan.

We had been a very poor family (arrived here with just the clothes they had on)
Her obsessions were money and cleaning.

We lived in a caravan on the driveway so our house would not get dirty and the running costs would be kept to a bare minimum

I think that some people get a ‘buzz’ out of saving money in exactly the same way that some people, get a buzz from spending it.
It could just be something as simple as that.

I had an old friend like this op , she once stood trying to stop me from buying myself a latte from Pret when we were out. She become very moody when I turned down her offer of a coffee when we got back to her place and enjoyed my latte instead.

I stopped hanging out with her after a few examples of this behaviour.

Another time she insisted on going to a particular shopping centre (very out of the way) so that she could got to tk maxx and Primark, she promised we'd leave early enough for me to get back for the school run. We didn't , and an entire day of bargain hunting at the far end of our city resulted in 3 items purchased for a tenner. She was chuffed , I was very pissed off.

I think that budgeting is sensible ( not very good at it myself) and have often bought second hand for DC so I don't think that those are good examples but it does sound as if not spending unnecessary money has become almost a hobby for her and think the coffee thing is wrong.

I agree with catte's definitions. She falls into the 'tight category' for sure.

I would totally sympathise with someone with little/no capital and a low income who had to be very frugal. I would definitely pay for a friend's lunch, coffee, etc in these circumstances.

These people are wealthy and tight. I think tightness is an incredibly unattractive quality.

Are you sure there’s not money problems OP?

Perhaps she has a fear of having no money. I’d just ask her outright if everything was OK.

£4500 per month salary +income from a rental property and another p/t salary with no mortgages and no car repayments sounds more than enough to be able to afford a coffee and school fees.
We paid 2 lots of school fees, (all be it very cheap school fees) £1250 per month, and a mortgage on just the dbs salary
And DC had ecas, holidays and trips to the cinema etc.

The problem with being frugal is it can get to be an obsession. Leaving a big bank account when you die is very sad. Especially if you have missed out on holidays, days out, going for a pizza when you feel like it with your children just so you can add to the bank account rather than take from it

Oh well we will all benefit when they have to pay a huge whack of inheritance tax as this type far too tight to make lifetime gifts or pay a financial planner. Look on the bright side!

Oliversmumsarmy My dad did it for everything so we found the last book he had and he had things like Rolos or apples or pencils on it. If he'd bought too much of something he'd get it as a multipack in the supermarket instead and him and my mum would be chuffed that they'd saved a few cent. He also had a small change jar and he'd only get the newspaper if he had enough in it then at the end of the month if there was any left he'd bring it to the bank. So it was like a hobby for him and mum. Like I said it worked in that he was a great saver and it really helped my mum when he died but obviously it can be the other end of the spectrum for people too. (hugs)

I'd tackle the last one first: Change the record/can we not talk about money?

Can't you just ask how the kids are, talk about the weather and redirect the conversation?

Also you don't know what's going on with them financially. You only know what you are told.

A family member ran up online gambling debts of over 40k in less than a year using secret credit cards and 'payday' loans. His wife only found out because he failed to log out of the family laptop correctly.

You describe your brother as 'boastful'. Does the Big I Am act like they're loaded when in company so she's having to scrabble to make up for the gaps his largesse creates?

Bit of a cheek taking her own coffee into a cafe. Think the staff would be mighty miffed at that, no wonder you are embarrassed.uo to her how she spends her money but if I wanted a changed of venue for a meal think I would just say you were going to try it out if she wants to go or not. It's okay being careful but she is being miserly given her circumstances.

Your DSil sounds a bit OCD tbh OP. It is rather taking things to the extreme.

I think she sounds stingy and boring! You can’t control other people’s actions, only your own, so suggest you spend your time with people who have more interesting conversations and who value life experiences rather than a pointless pile in the bank! If I want to do nice things with genuinely hard up friends or family then I just pay, luckily I don’t have any whining skinflints amongst my family and friends 😜

It does sound like some sort of anxiety or mental health issue.

I’m quite terrified of overspending because I was once very poor. We’re now on a very healthy income but I can’t bear the thought of a mortgage payment more than 10% of our take home pay, or to have less than a years expenses in the bank. That said I can’t imagine doing the coffee shop thing or not letting people stay to eat! Totally OTT!

I feel sorry for her :(

The one thing you have said that sounds tiresome is the fact that she turns all conversations round to money. I would find that annoying. But I don’t see anything wrong with making coffee at home and buying stuff second hand. It’s good for the environment if nothing else.

BVU, OP. If you can't handle it then don't spend any time with her that involves spending money. Can be inventive to find things to do that are free :D

She is being frugal but I would meet at your house or hers as it's odd bringing your own coffee

People can spend/not spend money however they like, but the drinking own coffee in a coffee shop is horrible behaviour. It's stealing the coffee shop's facilities which they pay handsomely for .

The other no no for me would be "chickengate". If someone unexpectedly appears for dinner, you either stretch it, cook extra and indeed hiss "FHB" (family hold back) at your dh and dcs. People who are stingy with food to guests have overstepped the mark. We have had two chickengate incidents with bil and sil (who are also faaaaaar from badly off) and there will be no third time.

Better to be too thrifty than a spendthrift and in massive debt like my DB and DSiL. I really worry about them.
Though it does sound a bit extreme in this case, I have to say.
Maybe she is worried about losing control of money, which is easily done. Perhaps they want to retire early or have a financial goal they haven’t shared with you.
I am very well off, partly as a result of being careful as I come from a poor background - so my view is that I work hard for my money and I’m not going to waste it.
I will spend a lot on things I really value but economise in other areas, I have no debt and always save every month.
I have a friend who inherited a lot and sometimes I turn down doing things with her that I consider too extravagant eg if we go on a girls holiday she goes First Class and I go economy!
There’s no right or wrong. If you’re not going into debt then it’s about being comfortable with what you’re spending. Sounds like you and she just have different financial comfort zones.

YABU. The thing is, their money is their money... it's up to them how they spend it. If you value her company, get her to take the lead on suitable outings or propose low-cost options yourself.

The going on about it would be annoying, but I actually don't think her habits are at all bad... they sound similar to DH and I!

She sounds very miserly. When you say that you meet for coffee do you mean in a cafe? If she really sits there with coffee she has made at home that is outrageous. The people who think what she does is reasonable are probably misers themselves.