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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tel SIL they are not broke

294 replies

Toodlehoooo · 15/09/2019 19:08

I will cut a long story short, I’m very close to DB and DSIL. I know that they have two properties mortgage free and also that as we both had an inheritance that they have 50k of investments. They both work, her part time.But here is why I am starting to have issues. SIL acts like they have NO money, she is constantly “on a budget” she sets herself budgets for food, clothing etc and will NOT budge. She turns off lights and tv when ppl are practically still in the room. If I suggest going to a new place for dinner she will go and have a look at the menu and then say “oh it’s too expensive shall we just go to wetherspoons?” She is always saying oh that’s a lot of money, oh I couldn’t spend d that. She got her dc’s school uniform all second hand from a friend and even shops around for school socks!!
Now I know a lot of you will think oh well she’s being conscious etc but it’s verging on obsession, if we meet for a coffee she will have one in her take way cup from home with her and let me purchase my coffee! 😬 it’s embarrassing.
Is this her being tight or frugal? I’m all for saving money but I feel like she is taking it all to another level. There’s not a minute in a conversation where money down get mentioned. They have never been poor so it’s not something that came from childhood either 🙈 I am preparing to be flamed here but should I say something or just distance myself because I just can’t watch it any longer!!

OP posts:

Cailleachian · 15/09/2019 23:01

Could she have a gambling problem?

If she has full access to all of the household accounts and manages the budget, could money be going to gambling sites without your DB knowing?

JudefromJersey · 15/09/2019 23:06

I'm a bit like this in one way despite being, dare I say, well off. I give myself a spending budget per month and I try to stick to it. That said, I'd be mortified to bring my own coffee to my local coffee shop and admittedly I've never been to a Wetherspoons

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/09/2019 23:08

I grew up poor but having seen what happened to my mother I don't want to end up like her.

If we want to eat out or go to the cinema then we do.

ZenNudist · 15/09/2019 23:12

My dsis is like your SIL. Minted and insanely tight. Its annoying as I end up subbing her.

We also had chickengate where she freaked in Waitrose about having to buy a second pack of organic chicken thighs so she could cook for dh and I as well as her and BIL. She hissed to her husband "think of the expense!" Which we still quite 15 years later .

She was quite happy to take and take when it comes to our hospitality but wont give back.

Also have friends like thus (not minted). Eventually the inequality makes me want to give up on 2 decades of friendship.

Tight people are the pits.

Not the same as those genuinely on a budget.

KickAssAngel · 15/09/2019 23:24

My DSIS and her husband were like this for decades. Finally, he's sold his business and now has millions so eating at their house is now pretty good. But for many years, her household budget was so tight that I had to buy ice cream for the kids if we were staying. He was earning hundreds of thousands a year.

They just spent all their time/energy on saving money and making money, until they got to a point where they could retire on millions. They still try to watch what they spend, but not to such an extreme any more.

Some people are just tight with money.

sansou · 15/09/2019 23:30

Taking your own drink to a cafe is indeed tight. I would take that as a sign that maybe, you should be having coffee at her house or yours instead. Alternatively, stop inviting her out if it’s embarrassing.

Grandmi · 15/09/2019 23:36

I inherited quite a lot of money and it’s fair to say I am now even more careful with spending!! I cannot bare to fritter away any money that I cannot replace!!! If I spend any of the inheritance I need to justify it ...otherwise I am spending beyond my means !! My daughter is having a baby in a couple of months and am happy to use some of the inheritance for her because we are welcoming a new baby ....but holidays and unnecessary expenditures...def no way .

Carthage · 15/09/2019 23:40

I have a friend who is a very generous hearted person but has to manage on a very tight budget. She very rarely mentions this and if she can't afford going to a cafe, she just invites me round or comes to mine. She doesn't take her home brewed coffee round to Nero's. Cringe.

In short, she's not a bore. No problem with people having financial constraints or even being careful with money when they don't really need to, as long as they don't impose it on me by making me keep to their regime or by banging on about it all the time.

I wouldn't say anything to her as she won't change and will probably blow up at you. But I'd distance myself and/or change the subject of money every time it comes up.

SunniDay · 16/09/2019 00:35

Maybe she has her eye on house number three?

kateandme · 16/09/2019 01:19

Oliversmumsarmy striaght jacket and padded cell?

stayathomer · 16/09/2019 05:53

By the way if you're going to mention it to her or your brother do it quickly, it's terrible that you find her tough to be around because of it so if this is her personality it's better for you both if you don't go out etc with her

LiveInAHidingPlace · 16/09/2019 05:55

The drinking coffee from home part is not on, really.

The other things, not really your business and not harming you. As long as she doesn't bang on about being poor cos that does my head in when wealthy people do that.

heveranne · 16/09/2019 06:14

We have friends who are like this. They're very well off but obsessed with money and being frugal and although they're lovely people it can be a joyless experience spending too much time with them. We've stopped going on holiday with them because of it.

I've stopped meeting them for coffee because my friend would inevitably empty the sugar bowl of all the individual packets and put them in her handbag. But she did at least buy her coffee.

MythicalBiologicalFennel · 16/09/2019 06:19

Like pp said being careful with money and being wealthy-and-tight are not the same thing.

We have someone like this in the family. Always been wealthy but a bore and an embarrassment to be around. Takes a teabag to a cafe and asks the waitress for hot water and then very politely will ask for my milk. Will insist on treating us for a meal but you must order the cheapest item on the menu and she will have a go at you if you leave the smallest morsel. Always talking about money - how she bought some tat for a friend's child and it was initially £1 and then discounted to 89p but she visited the shop every day for a week until they did a second discount. If neighbours do renovations she goes on and on about "the expense" with a very unpleasant mixture of contempt and envy.

I was brought up to work hard, be careful with money and not be terrified of buying new when necessary - and not to talk about money. It's crass. I would avoid this person OP because you will not change her.

CatteStreet · 16/09/2019 06:24

IMO:
frugal = your strong propensity to save money affects only you.
tight = your strong propensity to save money starts to affect others.

She's falling into the latter category with the coffee antics, and the inhospitability re turning off lights etc. Her constant mentioning of money and declaring of stuff as too expensive also seems to point to (as well as bigger issues) a sort of tightness of spirit - there seems to be a sort of strange pleasure there in withholding what she must know is available from herself and others. Her issue; try and let it roll off you.

OhTheRoses · 16/09/2019 06:34

Good distinction @CatteStreet

x2boys · 16/09/2019 06:47

When and where was that @Oliversmumsarmy i.was a mental.health nurse working in acute psychiatry ,and even when I was a student nurse in the early 90,s and had a placement at an old hospital,that used to be a county.asylum and most of the old buildings have subsequently been pulled down ,the hospital had a department that had a lot of records from the 1800,s and a small room used as a kind of museum.,there was no.mention of padded cells ,and if straight jackets were.used not for many years.

Dongdingdong · 16/09/2019 06:54

The coffee thing is ridiculous. I hope whoever owns the cafe spots her and bans her.

Bifflepants · 16/09/2019 06:59

I know someone like this, and it is SO WEIRD. Now, I'm all for limited consumerism - I buy all my clothes second hand and we would be classed as zero wasters as we got shot of our bin 2 years ago. But this woman is next level and always has been. Like your SIL, she is well off, with 2 properties mortgage free, both adults earning, and comes from a wealthy family. I have seen her cooking in the dark to save money on electricity. She cooks everything in the microwave because it's cheaper, so all food is disgusting.

She was in a book club with me, and we all took turns to host, one turn a year. Everybody else laid on a spread, cheese, crackers, nice wines, grapes, dips etc. She made this homemade, runny lentil pate, god it was inedible and fucking awful cheap wine that no one wanted to drink. She came to my house for Christmas dinner with her family a couple of times and was meant to contribute to the food. I had spent a significant amount on really special food, and she brought a plate of broccoli. She was tight beyond belief. It became infuriating. I'm all for consuming less, but when it's obsessive like this, it's just weird, and probably part of some kind of anxiety disorder.

MsTSwift · 16/09/2019 07:05

My uncle won’t put the heating on even in midwinter with a house full of visiting babies and toddlers (ours and his grandchildren). We were scurrying about with electric fires and huddling round the real fire. He’s loaded.

CucinaBreakfast · 16/09/2019 07:19

I guess the way she spends her money is not your business, so yabu to talk to her about it and expect her to change.

But yanbu that constant money chat is boring as all hell. So maybe pick her up on it next time "not money again!" and if she changes that side of things it's a win. If not, don't bother hanging out with her.

For what it's worth, i find her behaviour odd and while it's nice to save and not buy new, it's odd to put people out or make them uncomfortable (own coffee in a cafe!?) in doing so.

echt · 16/09/2019 07:23

The neighbour of a dear friend was proverbially as tight as a gnat's chuff. He painted his garage door and ran out of paint so couldn't complete it. He refused to buy another tin of paint to finish the job because then he'd have some left over. The garages all fronted the street in a very naice area.

Eventually someone chalked onto the drive ( in very adult writing): why don't you finish the garage door, you tight bugger?

StepAwayFromGoogle · 16/09/2019 07:31

OP, you are describing my BIL and his wife. It is infuriating and embarassing. She brings her own coffee and sandwiches to a coffee shop. They won't tip - ever. Need to work out bills to the penny rather than just split 8 ways when we've all basically eaten the same. Constantly moan about being poor but their house is massive and they save LOADS. It's very difficult to explain to people the difference between someone being frugal and someone being tight. They are renowned for it. I'd be mortified if anyone thought that of me.

pjmask · 16/09/2019 07:34

I'm surprised how many responses say to keep your nose out. This would irritate the hell out of me, with her dictating where you can eat if you meet up, the coffee things is embarrassing too! And banging on about the cost of things all the time too. Would drive me mad

Idontwanttotalk · 16/09/2019 07:40

There is no way I would go into a coffee shop with someone who takes their own coffee along with them. How embarrassing. The first time they did it, I would point out that it wasn't appropriate behaviour. There wouldn't be a second time.

I would have to say to my SIL that I've noticed she talks about money pretty constantly and can we please change the subject as it's boring. I'd tell her she can talk to me if she's worried about money and needs advice or just a sounding board for a money problem but I don't want to hear about it otherwise.

Are there no other subjects she is interested in that you can talk about?

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