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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tel SIL they are not broke

294 replies

Toodlehoooo · 15/09/2019 19:08

I will cut a long story short, I’m very close to DB and DSIL. I know that they have two properties mortgage free and also that as we both had an inheritance that they have 50k of investments. They both work, her part time.But here is why I am starting to have issues. SIL acts like they have NO money, she is constantly “on a budget” she sets herself budgets for food, clothing etc and will NOT budge. She turns off lights and tv when ppl are practically still in the room. If I suggest going to a new place for dinner she will go and have a look at the menu and then say “oh it’s too expensive shall we just go to wetherspoons?” She is always saying oh that’s a lot of money, oh I couldn’t spend d that. She got her dc’s school uniform all second hand from a friend and even shops around for school socks!!
Now I know a lot of you will think oh well she’s being conscious etc but it’s verging on obsession, if we meet for a coffee she will have one in her take way cup from home with her and let me purchase my coffee! 😬 it’s embarrassing.
Is this her being tight or frugal? I’m all for saving money but I feel like she is taking it all to another level. There’s not a minute in a conversation where money down get mentioned. They have never been poor so it’s not something that came from childhood either 🙈 I am preparing to be flamed here but should I say something or just distance myself because I just can’t watch it any longer!!

OP posts:
Reallyevilmuffin · 17/09/2019 12:03

YABU. She is being sensible.

Billben · 17/09/2019 12:04

What is the point of knowing his log in details when you can log in with your own.

When I use my log in details at Barclays, I can only see the joint current account, the joint savings account and the ISAs that are in my name. If I want to see the ISAs we have in my DH’s name, then I have to log in with his log in details.

Aderyn19 · 17/09/2019 12:07

woodchuck the point I'm trying to make is that in normal relationships a couple might have access to each others information but won't use it because they use their own. But in an abusive relationship one partner might use that information to control the money. If the OP's sil knows her husband's log in details, she can then pretend she is him and change his card pin. Logging in with her own information wouldn't allow her to do this since the online banking system would know it was her and therefore she would only be authorised to change her own pin and not his.

woodchuck99 · 17/09/2019 12:08

You are still looking at this as that it isn't an abusive situation.

I'm looking at it from the point of view of what makes sense. Whether or not someone "is abusive" if the DH give her his card why would he then be shocked that she had changed the pin? The taking of the card in the first place would surely be the point where he realised something wasn't right. From her point or view, if she didn't want him to have a card and was able to take it off him why not tear it up rather than bothering to change the pin.
Yes, she can change his passwords if he has given them to her but he can just go to the bank and get access again and a new card and pin so pretty pointless. He can also open an account in his name and deposit his wages into it rather than the joint account. Considering that he is the high earner she will be the one without money if he does that.

woodchuck99 · 17/09/2019 12:13

When I use my log in details at Barclays, I can only see the joint current account, the joint savings account and the ISAs that are in my name. If I want to see the ISAs we have in my DH’s name, then I have to log in with his log in details.

Yes, but we are talking about a joint account here. There is not point in knowing the other persons passwords if you share an account because you can access everything with your own.

Aderyn19 · 17/09/2019 12:38

You can access it but you can't change the other account holders pin, I don't think.

Aderyn19 · 17/09/2019 12:39

Regardless though, she's managed to cut off his ability to access his own money, so that needs to be sorted asap

ineedtoeatnow · 17/09/2019 12:47

What is the point of knowing his log in details when you can log in with your own.

My husband is the main card holder on our credit card. I've got a card but I'm not an account holder. I can see the joint account online but not credit. I've said to him before that it's weird the bank allows me to spend but not see what I'm spending!

from123toabc · 17/09/2019 13:05

The way I look at it is she only has 2 mortgage free properties and investments because she is sensible with money.
Maybe she loves to be able to work part time and that's worth more to her than over priced coffee.

The fact that it makes you uncomfortable is perhaps more of a reflection on how you feel about your own personal spends.

Our household income is in the 6 figures, we still drive a 10 year old car, fly hand luggage only and use vouchers to eat out.

As a result of that we have a lot of money in savings, sizeable pension and a lot of equity in our house.

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/09/2019 13:23

from123toabc You need to read OP’s update. She is financially abusing her DH, this is way more than being sensible.

Billben · 17/09/2019 13:24

Yes, but we are talking about a joint account here. There is not point in knowing the other persons passwords if you share an account because you can access everything with your own.

You most certainly can not. Not with Barclays Premier anyway. We have a joint current and savings account and our ISAs are under the same umbrella as well. If I use my log in details then I can’t access my husband’s ISAs. If he uses his log in details then he can’t access mine.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 17/09/2019 13:32

With my bank you can change your PIN at an ATM. If OP's SIL knew the original PIN and had kept both cards (because she ia controlling about money) then she could change the PIN quite easily.

From memory from my divorce, both accoubt holders for a joint account have to agree to close the account. It would be better for him to open another account and have his salary paid into that.

I hope your DB can get some help and advice, OP.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/09/2019 13:58

I'm looking at it from the point of view of what makes sense

Abuse doesn't make sense

woodchuck99 · 17/09/2019 14:18

You most certainly can not. Not with Barclays Premier anyway. We have a joint current and savings account and our ISAs are under the same umbrella as well. If I use my log in details then I can’t access my husband’s ISAs. If he uses his log in details then he can’t access mine.

Your husbands ISA isn't a joint account though so of course you can't access it with your own pin rather than his. If you have a joint account both people can access with their own pin. If one person fraudulently changes it you can change to a different one that only you know. You can't block one person from using an account if it is joint.

woodchuck99 · 17/09/2019 14:20

My husband is the main card holder on our credit card. I've got a card but I'm not an account holder.

It isn't a joint credit card though so not the same thing as a joint bank account.

sansou · 17/09/2019 14:37

Are the mortgage free properties in joint names?

Joint accounts - he can request access if need be from the banks. It’s a faff but not insurmountable. He opens another sole account for his salary to go in. As the higher earner, the shit will hit the fan fairly quickly! Let’s face it, in RL, it’s curtains for the marriage if this actually happens because it is the equivalent of lighting a fuse.

Why is he leaving his DC with someone he perceives to be mentally unstable is a very good question.

Casiloco · 18/09/2019 22:00

I have a friend who was like this - every conversation focused on how expensive things were, ways to save money. It was obsessive and extremely boring. And there was little connection with how much money he had at the time.

His daughter took him aside a year or so ago at a time when he was going through a bit of a crisis and challenged him about his focus on money. Bless him, he listened and took it all on board. He is so much happier now and has stopped obsessing about money. Great result.

IrmaFayLear · 19/09/2019 08:37

I think it requires more than a talk with some people, for whom not spending money has become a mental illness.

It is one thing to be careful, or even tight, but in the case of the OP's sil it has gone too far. It is not only harmful to themselves, but other people - including their own family, nay partner and children - start to dislike them as meanness is such an unattractive character trait.

mylifenow27 · 01/10/2019 16:19

Do you have a update OP hope your DB is ok?

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