To tel SIL they are not broke

[Toodlehoooo]

I will cut a long story short, I’m very close to DB and DSIL. I know that they have two properties mortgage free and also that as we both had an inheritance that they have 50k of investments. They both work, her part time.But here is why I am starting to have issues. SIL acts like they have NO money, she is constantly “on a budget” she sets herself budgets for food, clothing etc and will NOT budge. She turns off lights and tv when ppl are practically still in the room. If I suggest going to a new place for dinner she will go and have a look at the menu and then say “oh it’s too expensive shall we just go to wetherspoons?” She is always saying oh that’s a lot of money, oh I couldn’t spend d that. She got her dc’s school uniform all second hand from a friend and even shops around for school socks!!
Now I know a lot of you will think oh well she’s being conscious etc but it’s verging on obsession, if we meet for a coffee she will have one in her take way cup from home with her and let me purchase my coffee! 😬 it’s embarrassing.
Is this her being tight or frugal? I’m all for saving money but I feel like she is taking it all to another level. There’s not a minute in a conversation where money down get mentioned. They have never been poor so it’s not something that came from childhood either 🙈 I am preparing to be flamed here but should I say something or just distance myself because I just can’t watch it any longer!!

Based on your update, it appears your DB is experiencing financial abuse. It's heartening that he's spoken to you.

Hopefully these links will be useful.

blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2019/06/martin-lewis--financial-abuse--joint-accounts-and-managing-money/

www.mensadviceline.org.uk/

@Weezol thank you for those links I will pass them on.

That's terrible OP. It's his money she's controlling?

Surely there are other means of him accessing his own money? If he goes to the bank with his ID and his card and asks the personal banker for help, there must be a way out of this surely? The ATM can't be the only means of withdrawing money?

Yep, she's abusing her DH and doubtless the DC too.

She's going to need one hell of an excuse for this kind of behaviour.

DH gets his salary paid into a new account, as of today, of course. He can change who gets the Child Benefit too. Before SIL clocks anything is happening, get the deeds of the properties into a safe place and talk to the bank.

Maybe she is from a poorer background where every penny had to be robustly justified, and she's just never got out of the habit. My mother was a bit like that.

DH can close the joint accounts and get the ££ transferred to him. Assuming there's anything left in it.

Oh it’s a big mess!! I’m going to try get some sleep and hopefully we can get more access tomorrow. He doesn’t want to rock the boat too much for the dc.

My DB is freaking out as she has been controlling the family finances since they had their last dc

Oh I am so sorry, I felt that she was unwell from your posts. Perhaps the birth of the child pushed her over the edge into mental illness.

I am glad you brought it out into the open what a miserable existence for all of them.

OP, I know 2 people who behaved like SIL. Be warned - no1, among other things, stole everything from the DC. At one point the DGM had to feed them too. The minute the abuser sniffed that DGM was paying food bills, they reduced access to funds even further. DC never got their pathetic savings back.

No 2 was finally sectioned, a huge relief to all, and while the abuser was in hospital the family came across huge savings accounts. But not huge enough - no one knows to this day what happened to all the family's money.

The point I'm trying to make is that your poor DB is facing a really nasty, serious problem. Don't believe a word the abuser says, for a start, and go in hard using the authorities. SIL may have mitigating circs, but those aren't the real issue; restoring order is, and she'll fight you all the way.

Oh no op I hope your family gets the help they deserve!

Well, if it's a question of rocking the boat for the DC or feeding and clothing them, I know what I'd do. Yes, it can and does get that bad.

The other issue is the marriage - DB may not be wildly keen to stay with a woman who treats him and their DC like that. It's bloody difficult to cure, tho ADs help a little. She's probably always going to care more about a pound coin than her family. Would you want a parent like that?

TBH I kind of agree with your friend, I have a similar situation but opposite way round, I have a friend whos lovely kind generous, but when we meet for a coffee she wants to sit all afternoon drinking coffee after coffee, im on a budget so 1 is a treat and as far as I go, I think at £2.50+ to have 3/4 coffees I can spend my money on things id rather than sitting drinking coffee. Shes always talking about how broke she is mortgage ect, yet she takes taxis and eats out a lot, wont shop about for better deals gas/electric/broadband. Wont do anything for herself, lounge needed painting I offered to help her as do all my own, she said no and paid someone to do it?? we both drive same make of car, use same garage, both informed needed new tyres, she just said go ahead I went elsewhere and saved £50. So I think being careful is not mean or a bad thing. We all prioritise differently, but to go on about it all the time is irritating, just change the subject when she starts, thats what I do.

YABU

does she do workshops? I want to be like that

I think she's got anxiety. That's not normal being careful.

I think if she behaved opposite you'd be even more annoyed probably pissed off actually. If she was always overspending then borrowing money of you monthly etc or her being stingy what would you prefer?

Some people are just tight and they tend to be tight with other things, not just money. Miserlyness shows up in many ways. I have never met a tight person who is generous of spirit, they tend to be quite selfish. I see miserlyness as a form of greed, hoarding money.

And it always amazes me how tight people never seem to feel the cold.

She sounds like it’s a control issue that is somewhat obsessive. The chicken example where she is visibly uncomfortable makes me think that it’s not entirely in her control. However it would annoy me and not make me want to hang around her tbh! Part of life’s pleasures for me is trying new restaurants with lovely service and food or having a nice drink or take away coffee. No way I’d be hanging around in a dodgy ‘spoon’s’

Just saw the update. So sorry to hear it’s a larger issue than just being tight. For the sake of her wellbeing & family I hope she is willing to get some help.

Do you think this is a form of PND, has this come on out of the blue or has she always had issues around spending and it has ramped up a notch. Unfortunately it is now in the abusive territory. Locking your db out of his bank account.

I have lived through this and I do hope she can be treated successfully.

Your db can sort himself out and your sil will not think she is doing anything wrong but their DC will be in the middle when things get really bad.

I cannot believe their are people who want to be like your sil.
It is an illness and like issues around food, spending money isn't something you can really go cold turkey from.

I know someone who was slightly like this, although nothing like this level, always bargain hunting excessively for hours and endlessly budgeting, doing everything to save money ( although nothing like the coffee!!) Her DH is a high earner. It was only when I commented to her I didn't see the point in earning if you never spent any of it and having enjoyment somethkng seemed to click. Now they do lots of things together suddenly, go away, eat out, go to shows. They had undergone a period of financial struggle and a habit had formed. It had become normal and they didn't even realise.

Oh dear, I've just realised theres an update. That's awful your poor B. Cant he change the account he salary goes into? He definitely needs to get some proper legal advice. I really feel for him.

£70,000 doesn't seem that "high earning". However, my house is paid off and I buy a lot of clothes at garage and estate sales and "outlet" stores. And then I have extra money to spend on whatever else I want to spend it on.

Also constant y'all of budgets would drive me nuts too.

Wow. She's financially abusing him. He's got to go into his bank and change his pin, get access and cancel her card. She might try to withdraw or transfer everything.

@SusieQ5604
"£70,000 doesn't seem that "high earning"."

Combined it's £100k, they have a property that they let out and a low mortgage. Living Up North means you get a lot more for your money, so £100k is high earning.

OP, you say that your DB is boastful etc. You completely, immediately dismissed him being possibly financially abusive. Which is something you can't be sure of.

I think you should listen with an open mind and while your DB should protect himself, he shouldn't leave her destitute.

Her behaviour could stem from a number of sources, PND, financial or emotional abuse, or other MH issues.

Has he left without the children? I have never understand why if the Mother has these issues, a Father thinks it's appropriate to leave, if he isn't in physical danger (and if he is the Police should be called and/or a Solicitor consulted).