To tel SIL they are not broke

[Toodlehoooo]

I will cut a long story short, I’m very close to DB and DSIL. I know that they have two properties mortgage free and also that as we both had an inheritance that they have 50k of investments. They both work, her part time.But here is why I am starting to have issues. SIL acts like they have NO money, she is constantly “on a budget” she sets herself budgets for food, clothing etc and will NOT budge. She turns off lights and tv when ppl are practically still in the room. If I suggest going to a new place for dinner she will go and have a look at the menu and then say “oh it’s too expensive shall we just go to wetherspoons?” She is always saying oh that’s a lot of money, oh I couldn’t spend d that. She got her dc’s school uniform all second hand from a friend and even shops around for school socks!!
Now I know a lot of you will think oh well she’s being conscious etc but it’s verging on obsession, if we meet for a coffee she will have one in her take way cup from home with her and let me purchase my coffee! 😬 it’s embarrassing.
Is this her being tight or frugal? I’m all for saving money but I feel like she is taking it all to another level. There’s not a minute in a conversation where money down get mentioned. They have never been poor so it’s not something that came from childhood either 🙈 I am preparing to be flamed here but should I say something or just distance myself because I just can’t watch it any longer!!

"I find it very odd that you are so emotionally invested in how your brother and his wife spend, or don't spend, their money. It has nothing to do with you."

It has everything to do with her if sil is going with her to a coffee shop with HER OWN COFFEE. What a rude skinflint.

Yes, she is penny pinching and tight. It's really frustrating when you can't ever do anything other than the cheapest option with someone.

I think the coffee thing was bad, but there’s nothing wrong with being frugal

She just sounds like a YNABer to me. Everything you said sounds entirely normal and within the bounds of the philosophy, with an extra dose of mr money moustache. She’s probably planning on them retiring at 40. It’s all pretty basic YNAB rules.
If you were my SIL and tried to pick holes in my totally planned out ‘every penny has a job’ philosophy, I’d be horrified.
If that IS the case (she’s using that type of (extremely bloody amazing) budgeting system) just tell her ‘don’t forget to roll with the punches’ and that’s it’s ok to change priorities and WAM.

@Laura221 70k is his wage and she earns also. They have another income from the other house and they have no mortgages. We also live up north! 🤷‍♀️ It doesn’t add up. My dh is just as baffled!! I can’t ask my dm as she is a worrier! And my df is very old fashioned (doesn’t talk money)

And incidentally, if she and her dh aren’t quite on the same page, YNAB also has lots of advice for couples with joint budgets and different priorities.
They also have great social media groups where you can discuss busybody relatives who don’t get it

I think yanbu to feel annoyed but ywbu to say anything about it.
It's very off putting to me when someone is so very tight about coffee or turning lights off. But I think you'll either have to accept your differences or distance yourself a bit from her.
The cafe thing is embarrassing though.

Tbf if we confined ourselves to only starting threads about things which are our business, MN would have a lot of empty boards!

I hope she's OK OP we have very little expendable income and my relationship with my "DB" who is high earner isn't great. Having told him we not got loads of money he's constantly invites us to nice places that is out of our budget and gets angry when we refuse. It's breaking my parents as the rift is awful but we put our young DC needs first and really are very comfortable. You are doing the right thing talking to your brother there has to be a quite unlying issues chicken gate is Wow. My family would always be welcome nuggets all round 😂

She sounds like my husband!!!

Yep, I wouldn't suggest going out for a coffee again, unless you want to pay for hers. She really can't bring her own!

Obviously she's entitled to be as frugal as she wants, but I agree that constantly talking about budgeting is SO boring. I have a friend who's a bit like this - she's comfortably off now but was brought up in a household where money was always tight.

I don't want to hear about other people's budgets unless they've discovered some amazing cost-cutting strategy and want to pass it onto their friends!

I doubt very much that you really know all her liabilities or outgoings based purely on your very simple observations. It's also none of your business how she looks after her money.

Do you overspend, OP?

I ask this because I have a friend who earns much less than I do and she spends IMO way too much on frivolous things. When we’re together I try to set an example by being careful how I spend.

YANBU to be confused, but I think it would be a bit U to suggest to her there is any issue with her spending/attitude to money. What does sound needed is a frank chat that it's monopolising all of the conversation and time spent together, and that as long as she as DB are ok, you couldn't care less what they spend or how she budgets so WOULD SHE STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

It would annoy me too, though I am quietly very impressed with anyone who can save so studiously while earning plenty, more self-control that I could have! (And it probably contributes to them having two mortgage free properties also!)

YY @Ornery Mr Money Mustache sounds a likely explanation, just what I was coming to post.

You are over invested (obsessed?) with their financial position !!

Maybe one of them has racked up enormous gambling debts secretly?

But it's really none of your business. I wouldn't let her do the coffee thing, though, that's not fair to the cafe. And next time she says 'shall we just go to Wetherspoons?' I would say, 'Oh, no, we really fancy the other place. But you go to Wetherspoons if you like and we'll do something together next time.' Because she doesn't get to dictate where you decide to go out.

Why would you ask your DB about this? If your SIL is happy then why would you stick your nose in?
You say she came from a well off family. Was the family money spent on her as a kid? Some well off parents don't spend on their kids and spend on themselves instead.
Or maybe your DB is actually quite controlling with money, despite giving her w card for his account.

There’s not a minute in a conversation where money [doesn't]down get mentioned.

This is the OP's real issue, though, isn't it? SIL talks about money ALL the time - surely that's the obsessive behaviour? It would also bore me silly if anyone did that.

I don't think the OP is interested in their finances, she just wants SIL to stop talking about them...and bringing her own coffee to a coffee shop!.

Of course people are entitled to spend (or indeed not spend as in this case) their own money as they see fit but It's incredibly boring to have to listen to somebody who bangs on and on about their frugality. One of my SILs is like this and it's sooo dull and yes, at times embarrassing. Making a fuss about extra food such as the chicken, in front of the guests, when you actually can afford it is just cringe worthy.

The thing that always strikes me is that the people who are most vocal about how thrifty and frugal they are, are often the ones who don't and never have needed to be. If it was done out of necessity then they'd have some understanding of how wearing and worrying it is to have to watch every penny and likely wouldn't be quite so bloody enthusiastic about it! Instead it's like a fun challenge they've set themselves and they're oblivious to how unrelentingly grim poverty really is.

@ElleDubloo no I don’t overspend. I have no debts and be very small mortgage. We are never in the red. I budget but not to the point where I get stressed about it and talk about at every opportunity. She behaves like they are broke a lot of the time.

Maybe she talks about finances all the time because you’re not taking the hint. Invite her to spoonies, not expensive places.

Does she earn way less than him?

@Ornery - which sites/blogs do you recommend? I took a pay cut earlier this year for a job with fewer hours and am feeling the pinch - I could do with some budgeting inspiration!