To tel SIL they are not broke

[Toodlehoooo]

I will cut a long story short, I’m very close to DB and DSIL. I know that they have two properties mortgage free and also that as we both had an inheritance that they have 50k of investments. They both work, her part time.But here is why I am starting to have issues. SIL acts like they have NO money, she is constantly “on a budget” she sets herself budgets for food, clothing etc and will NOT budge. She turns off lights and tv when ppl are practically still in the room. If I suggest going to a new place for dinner she will go and have a look at the menu and then say “oh it’s too expensive shall we just go to wetherspoons?” She is always saying oh that’s a lot of money, oh I couldn’t spend d that. She got her dc’s school uniform all second hand from a friend and even shops around for school socks!!
Now I know a lot of you will think oh well she’s being conscious etc but it’s verging on obsession, if we meet for a coffee she will have one in her take way cup from home with her and let me purchase my coffee! 😬 it’s embarrassing.
Is this her being tight or frugal? I’m all for saving money but I feel like she is taking it all to another level. There’s not a minute in a conversation where money down get mentioned. They have never been poor so it’s not something that came from childhood either 🙈 I am preparing to be flamed here but should I say something or just distance myself because I just can’t watch it any longer!!

@73Sunglasslover they don’t have car repayments as I remember the palava she caused looking for both cars. We have car dealership in the family and she drove us all up the wall! It has to be this but for under £x amount.

I still think there is a difference between normal frugal & carrying around your own hot drinks/not cooking extra food. Being well off & driving a cheap & or 2nd hand car is normal.

I have a feeling I’m similar and I’m going to say it’s frugality.

Not your business. I’m sure it’s irritating, but what would saying something to her accomplish?

I went to school with a girl who (in hindsight) was upper middle class and her family were always fretting about money. They had a SE property portfolio, the father worked as a NHS consultant and the mother was his Secretary as he did private work but the mother went ballistic if £2 was needed that wasn't in the weekly budget. They ate a very crap diet but spent loads of money on imported teas.

@73Sunglasslover they don’t have car repayments as I remember the palava she caused looking for both cars. We have car dealership in the family and she drove us all up the wall! It has to be this but for under £x amount.

Ok but I was just responding to you saying the car was not new so they didn't have repayments - which is not necessarily logical. I am really struggling to understand why it would drive you up the wall that she had set a budget that she wanted to stay within. Honestly the more I read, the more I think you may be the issue here. As others have said, with the exception of taking your own coffee into a coffee shop, you've not really provided anything which is problematic unless you choose to let it be.

She got all flusters and said that she had set the weekly budget and this wasn’t planned for!” He was a bit confused and said “ I don’t think 4 pound on a few chicken breasts will break the bank and he went out. She was not happy! That to me seems odd?? I’m starting to think maybe she is suffering from anxiety or something??

My autism does that to me sometimes - ie, makes me look like a weirdo but in my head the way would've been; I've planned abc. Therefore I can't deviate to d, because that's not been planned. It's hard to explain - I've learned my way out of situations like this over the years but every now and then I do something similar and dh is like, what?? Just do xyz, no? Like it's completely obvious to other people, but I just won;t have seen it from that viewpoint at all. It also makes me very stressed if he doesn't tell me one of his friends is coming over " for dinner". We have money for extra food - but it's not been planned for, and sends me into boring old spiral of anxiety.

Watching every penny when you don't have to, just sucks all the joy out of life. It's okay not to waste too much money, but if you are restricting yourself to 'spoons and taking your own coffee to Costa, then you've definitely strayed into 'tight' territory!

I'm defending her. She sounds very sensible to me. And the reason they have two houses and are mortgage free is because they manage their money well. I'd own my own home than drink Costa every day.

Are there children in this marriage? If so is it hard on them.

I find the most well off are often the tightest. It’s a boring pain in the arse.

DH is really tight and he earns a lot. Crushes our relationship if I’m honest.

That’s why she has so many properties and investments. If you hold money, it stays and multiplies. If you spend it, it goes! You must be thinking What’s the point in having money if you don’t spend it? Well, different people value different things. I value financial independence. I’d rather have my own coffee sitting in a park in retired freedom than work for buying at a coffee shop. Get my point?
I bet your SIL has her eyes set on early retirement. Say cheers to her from me!

They ate a very crap diet but spent loads of money on imported teas.

@justasking111 yes 2 dc they don’t seem too bothered. But they are only 5 and 7.

You don't know they are doing well unless you are looking at their up to date bank statements...

Maybe they did have a financial crisis and were too proud to say. Maybe one of them has a secret gambling addiction. For her to be flustered at the thought of spending £4 on chicken and shopping around for the cheapest socks, I would wonder if everything is alright. If not financially, maybe she needs some help with her mental health.

Ask her if everything is okay.

If this is financial abuse, then talking to you DB about it might do far more harm than good, and put her in an even worse situation than she is already. Perhaps you need to talk to her first.

Has she ever mentioned anything remotely to do with gambling? Could there be an addiction or something like that maybe?

@narkedinNI that’s the mn dream right there

@RedRose55 there is a correlation- careful = more money. However I do think bringing in your own coffee and constantly talking about budgets brings it all into your relationships with other people. In a negative way.

It’s like saying, I have money, and I’m more invested in keeping it than being aware of how this impacts on my relationships. And also, it’s a CF who brings in their own coffee. Someone’s got to pay for the chairs in Costa, and it’s annoying it’s not a fair split!

Meh. It is her 'hobby', her thing, that's all.

Some people like to shop and some people like to save. There are extremes at both end of the spectrum. I know a woman who ONLY speaks about what she has just bought and how she chased some bargain down and what she needed to buy and where she has been to buy it. I would rather listen to your SIL tbh.

Her spending habits are up to her but people that live like that through choice are usually incredibly boring. I’d stop going out with her and stick to meeting at yours or hers.

I dont think 70k a year is mega bucks though. She may have debts in her name? Ot maybe she did and is now stuck in this way of spending? Trust me you can never truly know someones financial situation. Just dont invite her out for food/coffee have her round to yours instead.

My only suspicion is maybe the money they do have is all tied up. So in terms of money she has in the bank, maybe it's not a lot? It would be the only reasonable explanation.

I'm fairly sensible with money (on maternity leave so I have to be!), but life is for living. A few extra quid on a nice coffee now and again wouldn't hurt anyone.

@ellzebellze now that I know for sure there is no addiction on dBs part as he doesn’t even do the lotto (he voices opinions on the lotto 🤣) and he can’t drink as he has a low kidney function sincere was a kid. It’s not life threatening but he doesn’t drink out of fear (and I presume drugs is the same) as for her I don’t think so (although like you say I can never be 100% sure)

Ok maybe I’ll just ask her outright?? Is everything ok?? No harm I suppose.

My SIL won't spend a penny. She gets everything second hand/charity shops and buys from the discount aisles in her local shop at 9pm at night. She's often ill from eating out of date food .

The hardest part to swallow is that she's actually a fairly wealthy woman - she's had several large inheritances over the years but rents an ex local authority house on a rough estate rather than spend any of it, works in a job she hates, and lives on thin air. All without need. She will suck the joy out of any occasion as she will openly declare "why you felt the need to spend all this money is quite beyond me"......... this was at our granddaughters christening that we'd catered ourselves at DDs house, and the christening was part of the church service.

DH thinks she's hoarding money (she also hoards recycling and old crap) for her DS. He's a really decent lad, with a good career in the entertainment industry and probably has more money already than she has. It's heartbreaking really.

Ewh people like this are awful to be around. I despise tightness like that. I'd stop asking her to go places, I can't believe she brought a coffee to a cafe - such a miser! 😂