To tel SIL they are not broke

[Toodlehoooo]

I will cut a long story short, I’m very close to DB and DSIL. I know that they have two properties mortgage free and also that as we both had an inheritance that they have 50k of investments. They both work, her part time.But here is why I am starting to have issues. SIL acts like they have NO money, she is constantly “on a budget” she sets herself budgets for food, clothing etc and will NOT budge. She turns off lights and tv when ppl are practically still in the room. If I suggest going to a new place for dinner she will go and have a look at the menu and then say “oh it’s too expensive shall we just go to wetherspoons?” She is always saying oh that’s a lot of money, oh I couldn’t spend d that. She got her dc’s school uniform all second hand from a friend and even shops around for school socks!!
Now I know a lot of you will think oh well she’s being conscious etc but it’s verging on obsession, if we meet for a coffee she will have one in her take way cup from home with her and let me purchase my coffee! 😬 it’s embarrassing.
Is this her being tight or frugal? I’m all for saving money but I feel like she is taking it all to another level. There’s not a minute in a conversation where money down get mentioned. They have never been poor so it’s not something that came from childhood either 🙈 I am preparing to be flamed here but should I say something or just distance myself because I just can’t watch it any longer!!

I would be pretty concerned for her, to be honest. This isn't normal behaviour, and her panic about the meal is definitely concerning.

I think I'd be asking your brother if she'd okay, to be honest. It's going to be hard for you to handle these situations without knowing what's going on in her head.
I think I'd certainly be saying that I'm not prepared to sit with her while she's drinking her own coffee in a coffee place.

'Not grabby' must be something of a relief.

Some people get off on being mean. Mind you, the two tightest people I know (sim to SIL) went barmy in the end, although there was more to it than just being obsessed with cash. A bit more.

There's a reason avarice is one of the 7 deadly sins - it doesn't make you a very nice person. Or a noticeably sane one.Still, drop it, 0 you cacn do.

I really think that writing this all down has been 😮 I will talk to DB tomorrow! Wish me luck, 😭🙈

That sort of stinginess would drain all the joy out of any event, dinner at home, or coffee out somewhere.

Oh godfeelingsicknow is that the first time you’ve admitted that? Are you ok? Are you getting help? I’m so sorry to hear you’re in distress, that’s miserable.

I'd still choose Spoons over an over-priced gastropub

You see, I just don't get this. If somebody can genuinely afford something nicer, without in any way endangering their financial security, why on earth wouldn't, they choose it? I am often surprised by people who don't seem to need nice things to make this dull old life a bit brighter. It seems incredibly joyless to me. But I also accept that we all prioritise different things.

Well if you ask about SIL’s mental health in the context of her near constant chat about money and obsessed behaviour to either db or her I expect it’ll sort the problem!

Are you sure they don’t have debts?

I would say to her, gently, that you are happy to meet up but that it might as well be at home because going out for coffee or food isn't enjoyable because she talks about money all the time. That you love her and want to spend time with her, but that this obsession with money sucks all of the joy out of seeing her.

Coffee thing is tight. They're running a business you don't go in & use their place without buying anything.

Sounds like she's very possessive and protective over her money and doesn't want anyone getting any where she doesn't think she's getting a good deal.

Wish my ex had this - he frittered it all away and left me with all his debts (thousands).

This is like what was being on said on that thread a few days ago. About the seems to be a correlation between how wealthy you are and how willing you are to buy second hand school uniform.

I wouldn’t say that yabu or yanbu I think it’s up to each family how they spend their money and no one else. Perhaps they are saving for a rainy day or to put their dcs through private school or an amazing holiday

Hmm.
2nd hand uniform, yes
Good value socks and undies, yes
Thinking twice before spending, yes
Weatherspoons - yes if the alternative's a high street chain - so not great anyway
Thinking about energy use/costs, yes - I love the appy thing for this reason.

The coffee - no
The meanness with food - no - I cannot bear mean spiritedness around food.

I also don't think they are bringing in enough not to be careful tbh. They are in the hard land of no tax credits or child benefit, etc, but not the land of having so much coming in that they are hugely better off than a family where the dh earns £45/£50k.

PS I am all for people budgeting but I don't want to spend every waking moment talking about money. I have a friend who is in shedloads of debt and working very hard to pay it back. She's on a really frugal budget so when we meet, we do things that take this into account. She doesn't talk about it beyond the odd comment about having got rid of another credit card - or if I ask her how she's doing.

YANBU - it's not the frugality per se isn't it? It's the fact that its all about the money money money - that money is quite high on their agenda- always.

I broke up with a chap because, although he was on a good wage, he was Mr Frugality and speak about money all the time - he mentioned the cost of everything and his idea of treating me would be a yogurt from Aldi. Honestly. I mean it.

I have been broke and I know how it is to have to count pennies, but even then I would try to make it something I did rather than something that consumed me. And it's a bit cheeky meeting at costa with your own coffee. I could not have a relationship with someone like that.

This is not a good way to be

It's excessive, boring and rude. No one wants to listen to you talk about money all the bloody time.

You can't take your own coffee into a cafe, thats ridiculously rude.

Second hand uniform is fine of course. There's nothing wrong with being frugal and up to a point its good.

I would also not go to Wetherspoons with them. Once or twice maybe but Id just say no. Again the chicken incident is bizarre and rude.

The turning off lights/tv in a room is again rude

If you spent the majority of your life scrimping to this extent, not enjoying yourself when you can afford not to then that is not good. In my mind owning 2 properties mortgage free is not a good exchange for living a crap day to day life. Where you have to waste time shopping around for school socks to save yourself what 80p?

If you have to of course you have to, but it's not a good way to be. It's stressful and high in anxiety for one thing. And sad

@Verily1 I suppose I can’t be 100% sure but I find it hard to see how s debt could have been accrued! They both earn, probably 100k between them, they don’t have flash card. The house is nicely decorated but not designer etc as she’s a bargain hunter (to put it mildly) they have no mortgages. Two dc, not in private school so no fees. She doesn’t buy designer clothing. Usually buys in the sales. 🤷‍♀️

I know lots of people who buy 2nd hand uniform for both state & private schools (myself included). I don't know anyone who brings their own coffee to a coffee shop.

Stop meeting up with her, for starters. Seriously, just stop. No more coffees, that's fucking embarrassing.

She sounds like an old skint flint!! Next time she wants to meet for coffee just tell her that no way are you going to a coffee shop with her if she brings her own with her.

It’s up to her and your brother. It’s really none of your business. Would you like her talking to your OH about your finances ?

From experience, it's not at all unusual for people who are comfortably off, or very much so, to be very careful with money. That's maybe at least partly how they became comfortably off in the first place. Maybe, like a PP, they had some stony-broke years, and old habits die hard.

Even in the case of a hefty inheritance or other windfall, some people will splurge it all on cars, holidays, designer stuff, etc. Others will save or invest all or most of it.

Some people with plenty in the bank etc. will still drive around in a ver ordinary old car and not give a toss. Others can't possibly be seen in any such thing, whether they can afford it or not.

Most people I know have second-hand cars and most people I know have car repayments. Are you sure you are not making a lot of assumptions about their income?

She said oh I have dinner guys but I don’t have enough for everybody. DB said “ oh I’ll pop to the shop and get more chicken shall I?” She got all flusters and said that she had set the weekly budget and this wasn’t planned for!” He was a bit confused and said “ I don’t think 4 pound on a few chicken breasts will break the bank and he went out. She was not happy! That to me seems odd?? I’m starting to think maybe she is suffering from anxiety or something?? Should I ask??

That is a bit worrying, if your DB thought they could afford chicken breasts, your DB might be the person to raise this with if anyone. You can just ask is everything OK.

You say she has access to your DB money, but is he likely to scrutinise every purchase. That may cause her anxiety.

The conversation with her sounds rather boring. Joyless. My family talks about money a lot. They are self absorbed. I don’t like it. I catch myself saying stuff about money and try to register to stop doing it. I don’t discuss what I have but maybe how much something costs and I’m not necessarily talking about what I’ve bought. What I mean is I try not to be a bore bag.

Well, being frugal is not a bad thing, but some the examples you've listed seem over the top.
I personally think it's rude to bring your own coffee to a coffee place. What cafe even allows that? And turning the lights off in rooms where other people are is rude too. Why even invite someone if you are going to make them sit in the dark?