To tel SIL they are not broke

[Toodlehoooo]

I will cut a long story short, I’m very close to DB and DSIL. I know that they have two properties mortgage free and also that as we both had an inheritance that they have 50k of investments. They both work, her part time.But here is why I am starting to have issues. SIL acts like they have NO money, she is constantly “on a budget” she sets herself budgets for food, clothing etc and will NOT budge. She turns off lights and tv when ppl are practically still in the room. If I suggest going to a new place for dinner she will go and have a look at the menu and then say “oh it’s too expensive shall we just go to wetherspoons?” She is always saying oh that’s a lot of money, oh I couldn’t spend d that. She got her dc’s school uniform all second hand from a friend and even shops around for school socks!!
Now I know a lot of you will think oh well she’s being conscious etc but it’s verging on obsession, if we meet for a coffee she will have one in her take way cup from home with her and let me purchase my coffee! 😬 it’s embarrassing.
Is this her being tight or frugal? I’m all for saving money but I feel like she is taking it all to another level. There’s not a minute in a conversation where money down get mentioned. They have never been poor so it’s not something that came from childhood either 🙈 I am preparing to be flamed here but should I say something or just distance myself because I just can’t watch it any longer!!

My DD’s grandma is like this. It’s bizarre. Exceptionally wealthy but lives in poverty. Has never bought the grandchildren a thing. Everything second, third hand. I’d be here all night trying to describe the things she does. No more than one square of toilet roll per visit and no more than an inch of water in the bath to give a couple of examples. Would ring the house phone and hang up so we rang back. She’s had a miserable life because of it and is now very ill. I find it so sad. I don’t know the answer but I would suggest an anxiety/MH issue. I don’t know how on Earth you approach it though, or even if you should. Difficult!

Mil owns 2 properties outright and is cash rich but she is very tight/careful with money.I suppose if you've got it sometimes you're scared of losing it.I dont know but each to their own I suppose.

No reason for frugality, wealthy family, 3 properties, 100k plus income

What exactly is wrong with frugality for frugality’s sake? Why does it have to be viewed in negative, ‘tight’ terms? Surely being careful with money is generally better for the environment? Why is it bad to be careful with what you have?

Why bother? You clearly don’t like your SIL that much. You are irritated by her clearly so spend less time with her.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to waste money on things you don’t view as a priority. Your SIL is not asking other people/you for money or a loan.

I’m frugal by nature but have loosened up with age and increasing household income over the years. I see financial prudence as a strength - money buys you choice! I definitely believe in the short term sacrifice with the small stuff like coffees out compounds into long term gain. She’ll be sitting pretty and retiring earlier than you. Just because someone has investments or an inheritance doesn’t mean that they have to spend/waste it on frivolities.

Her financial priorities are different from yours. You are being bitchy if you make the comment to your SIL or DB in RL.

Maybe have a chat with her or her husband. Probably her husband since he is your brother. She does sound like she has an obsession now and it's verging on unhealthy. Well not verging it is unhealthy.

She probably has anxiety and is panicking about it. She needs help before it gets any worse and she starts financially abiding her husband. It sounds like it might be at that stage already.

It's fine to be careful but I hate it when people say they don't have much money and complain about price when they are not short.
It's fine to be frugal but don't say you're poor when you're not. I find it insulting to those who are genuinely struggling.

@Longlongsummer absolutely with you on the Costa thing. It’s awful! Why not just buy coffee for that one time and offer to meet at a park from next time?
I hate coffee shops. I never spent less than £10 there just to meet friends and chat. All my friends have kids now. We meet at a park or at someone’s place. I host them at my place too sometimes. I don’t want to spend money unnecessarily, but there are ways to get around that without offending/embarrassing people or affecting relationships. When put on the spot, I just bite the bullet for that one time (like spending £4 on chicken), but I’ll be careful next time. I am like that. Very careful with money.

Each to their own in terms of spending and eating st Wetherspoons etc.. but it sounds a bit joyless. Taking your own coffee cup to a cafe is embarrassing though. I’d be cringing sitting with her!

She possibly grew up with money issues? We've had some tough times in the last few years and this year we finally cleared loans thst were strangling us and now can breathe again but we are definitely afraid of going back and I find I talk about saving money ALL THE TIME! I tell everyone when I find a cheaper way to do something and I watch everything. Even if she never h a d money issues, they're obviously doing something right! Also I have a number of friends who are doing well and they watch every single penny. I look now and think if I'd done that back in the day we wouldn't have gotten as low as we did and I know a number of people who could stand to copy them

It doesn’t add up. My dh is just as baffled!! I can’t ask my dm as she is a worrier! And my df is very old fashioned (doesn’t talk money)

You are just as obsessed but in a different way.
The coffee thing, sure, but the rest? What is your problem, really?

Anytime there is any whiff of your DB being at fault in any way, you jump on it. I also cannot believe you would ask him about this. That you would discuss, or want to discuss with anyone. So weird.

Bringing her own coffee to a cafe is more than mean, it's denying the owner their livelihood. The other unforgivable is boring on about it.

I'd tackle the last one first: Change the record/can we not talk about money?

Other than that, her economies are really her business, though I'd be pissed off off at ending up in Wetherspoons all the time. Just thought, does she ever have you round for a meal? That can be very revealing.

I would find her behaviour very annoying but think you probably need to manage your expectations of her and let her crack on with her budgeting. Wouldn't stand for the coffee thing though, that is just taking the piss to the coffee shop.

Could be your DB being a tight arse.

It is affecting Op if she can’t do the things she’d like with her friend/SIL.

The gentlest way to ask would be next time you have coffee out and she brings her own “I’ve noticed you bring your own coffee with you and you’re very conscious of budget, I’m wondering if everything is ok? Do you want to chat about it?”

HerRoyalNotness LOL if my SuL asked me that I would laugh in her face. Patronising faux concern!

OP, just leave her be.

Why does it bother you so much? Touch of envy there about something?

My mother started off like this and ended up in a straight jacket in a padded cell. Manic depression, bipolar and suicidal.

She would say how happy she was saving money. Her whole life revolves around not spending money.
She spent so much time running around trying to save pennies that she would miss out on pounds

It was embarrassing. I feel sorry for her children

She would also call herself frugal when people told her she was mean.

Does your sil have a book that she writes down exactly what she spends.

What exactly is wrong with frugality for frugality’s sake? Why does it have to be viewed in negative, ‘tight’ terms? Surely being careful with money is generally better for the environment? Why is it bad to be careful with what you have?

It's not bad to careful with what you have, that's sensible. However I think there is a difference between economising & acting like Scrooge. Not wanting to provide extra food for family or taking your own coffee into a coffee shop is not frugal, it's tight!

Does your sil have a book that she writes down exactly what she spends.
My dad used to do this. It sounds mad now but it meant on a very average wage with only one working parent we were actually middle class. He worked hard, saved extremely hard but we still did hobbies etc, which we can't really afford with 4 kids ( I know it's a different time but it meant when he died there w ere savings for my mum so I think he was onto something!!)

I was extremely poor growing up and it has affected my view of life. Your SIL, OP, could be me. I will spend on essentials like housing and schooling but never waste cash on ephemerals like casual meals out or excessive entertainment type spending. If I have to purchase a large item like a new coat I often actually have an anxiety attack.

My children are the opposite of me though. They are hedonists and spendthrifts and I worry for their future. They never went without and it has coloured their view of life which is much more optimistic than mine. I always plan for the worst case scenario.

Fair enough but if they’re close friends why wouldn’t you?!

This is quite a common phenomenon. I think there are all sorts of reasons behind it that probably vary from case to case. The turning electric lights etc off was something I was brought up with on the grounds that it is wasteful to leave the electric lights on unnecessarily. I think this puts it in the same bracket as having to eat everything on my plate because my parents experienced rationing during the war and there were hungry families in Ethiopia.

Some of these waste-not-want-not and make-do-and-mend attitudes are reappearing because they are environmentally friendly.

The money side particularly is individual. I spend almost nothing on things marketed for women, but I don't think twice at spending a fortune on music lessons and instruments.

She sounds hard going. There's nothing worse than someone with money constantly saying how skint they are. Being frugal is different to this behaviour.

She sounds very tight and very boring.

How embarrassing to arrange to go to a cafe and bring her own coffee. I'm surprised they let her stay and the fuss over the extra chicken.
Of course it impacts on your relationship if she is so tight.

Her behaviour around money sounds deeply entrenched and neurotic ( I don’t mean that pejoratively), so you saying something would have very little positive impact, and she would likely deny it or be otherwise defensive.
She obviously feels poor whatever the objective truth.