To Tell Friend To Feed Her Child Properly

[ChilledBee]

I have a friend with a four year old son. He's very small for his age and her HV and GP have made suggestions about how to change this. She isn't vegan but eats meat seldom and only shops organic and local. She makes these dishes which are foreign type stews with things like aubergine and squash (I eat/cook these things too) and will sprinkle some feta or another cheese on top. Or something with spinach and lentils. It isn't awful but for an acquired taste. My DH says it Italy seems like a side dish and he is waiting for the joint of slow cooked meat and some potatoes to accompany it. Any meat is organic/free range butcher ordered so very expensive and rarely eaten. She is very much into ethical shopping/farming/eating.

The trouble is, when I see the vegetables,they are often old (she gets a lot of home grown produce from her own allotment or that of friends) so I imagine the nutrients are depleted. Her son barely eats any of the food she gives him and she does worry about that because he's not only small but has some vitamin deficiencies too. But she thinks it has something else going on rather then he just doesn't like the food she makes.

Last week, she had to unfortunately stay in hospital for several days (10) with her mother who was touch and go. Her son stayed with me and even though it was something completely unfamiliar, he settled in well. She gave no dietary instructions so I just fed him like I do my own kids (3,3 and 1) on home cooked meals cooked from scratch (spaghetti bolognese,shepherds pie, burgers and chips) and he wolfed it down. In fact, the first day he came he had seconds and ice cream and jelly afterwards (pudding isn't routine in our house). I am embarrassed to say that I weighed him that night and the day before he went home. He gained 5lbs! My DH felt that I was out of order weighing him but I have to say that seeing him eat like that made me want to prove something I'd suspected all along.

I want to tell her that her son badly needs to eat food he likes and is healthy for a child. She often refers to childhood obesity but I think she underestimates the amount of fat and carbs a growing child needs. I know she feels quite isolated by her HV and GP who have sort of threatened her with SS (she says) but won't refer her for the medical investigations she wants. Her sister had 'failure to thrive' and was later found to have cerebral palsy which contributed to this but it isn't a hereditary condition which could explain her son's small stature. My DH doesn't think she is mentally stable. I think she is precious at best.

Would you say something?

I don’t understand your critique of her food? Making stews and casseroles with lentils, squash, etc sounds lovely and wholesome and is the sort of thing I feed my (very healthy!) child. I wouldn’t serve a big side of meat with a healthy casserole either?! It sounds like he just needs more variety, no big deal. Her food sounds really nice but sure she could add in a few more options. Burgers and chips aren’t really healthy so I don’t get why you think that’s better for a child?

Tltl, supermarkets (actually warehouses) store veg in specific conditions for each veg that retard spoilage.

Possibly, if she sees him wolfing it down, and the resulting energy burst, something in her head might click about giving him other foods.

More likely he would be given a lecture about unethical sourcing and shamed for gobbling down food cooked by the OP.

Burgers and chips aren’t really healthy so I don’t get why you think that’s better for a child?

It's because they are better than fresh air.

If the child doesn't eat the lovely, healthy food it doesn't do him any good whatsoever.

This child has vitamin deficiencies and is small for his age. The GP and HV have both voiced concerns. The GP has even suggested chicken nuggets - 'more variety, no big deal' right? - and has also mentioned hospitalising him to get to the bottom of his low weight and short stature for his age.

Burger and chips is fine if it's cooked properly. Ie grilled meat and oven baked chips.

That's just potatoes and meat. Add salad and great!

Better than a child eating next to nothing because it's parent is offering it food most children won't like.

My DC are given a wide range of foods but it's taken them some time to get a taste for curries and vegetable stews/soups. They will eat most things now they're 15 and 11.

At 4 they were mostly eating pasta, chicken and a limited amount of vegetables and fruit...plus the odd roast dinner. They wouldn't have eaten a stew with aubergine in it! They had to develop their tastes.

@ChilledBee

I would tell her but I must admit my son was a fussy eater and small for his age. He lived on pizza, boiled eggs with bread and butter, turkey dinosaurs, packets of crisps and tomato soup. I tried every thing and ended up giving him vitamin tablets. I did once force him to eat a Sunday lunch and he promptly threw it up! He is now in his late 20s and eats everything I put in front of him and is into body building and keep fit. Children do survive on bad diets - my son did.

JEsemaine but your son was offered more variety than OP's friend's son is.

You tried everything. not like you were giving him aubergine stew!

Tltl, supermarkets (actually warehouses) store veg in specific conditions for each veg that retard spoilage
I know, I sell veg! If you want maximum nutritional value, buy frozen or buy incredibly local and seasonally, they still lose nutrients as part of the food journey even when stored.
If the mum is eating veg from an allotment most of it is going to be incredibly fresh as some won't have a long shelf life at all, but for the root veg to be lasting a year she will be storing it, in cool conditions, which keeps the vitamin c at a reasonably high percentage.

@ChilledBee are usually from other countries!! Wtf! Are you racist op? Moroccan stews are absolutely packed with nutrients cooked in a very healthy way. Indian curry also packed with nutrients. What point are you trying to make about 'foreign food' exactly? His mums food sounds healthier than yours. It's probably just portion size that's the issue. Kids will generally prefer unhealthier food options such as yours. Gaining fat does not necessarily equate to healthiness. You sound like a pain pushing your limited dietary ideals in your friends face especially lately as she has been coping with grief and is vulnerable.

Why is everyone getting so worked up about the foreign food, he's NOT eating it. However lovely it is he doesn't like it

I can’t believe you weighed her child! That is really crossing a line. You and your husband sound quite judgemental.

I will admit I am a parent of twins that are very small for their age - failure to thrive when they were babies, didn’t get on the percentile chart until they were 3 and are currently in the 5th percentile for weight and height. If I found out my good friend was judging me and secretly weighing my children I would beyond hurt.

Some conditions cause children to gain weight very slowly. (My children both had IUGR). A doctor and health nurse are involved with your friends son and presumably know more about the situation than you.

Another issue is there are healthy ways to gain weight as opposed to eating high fat food to gain weight quickly, that can cause other issues. I had a health nurse suggesting I spoon feed my 6 month olds olive oil to help gain weight and another suggesting I give them ice cream every day as one year olds.

Also the little boy might have been behaving quite differently at your house (maybe seeing other children eating helped encourage him, maybe he didn’t feel comfortable not eating the food etc)

If you are concerned, I would talk to your friend and say that you noticed her son seemed to really enjoy eating spaghetti and the other meals. Ask her if she would try those options at home. It seems like she is telling you things, so I would give her your opinions, and if you really feel she is not trying to help her son then talk to the nurse. But I would lose the judgment, it can be very hard having children that aren’t gaining weight and it’s a balancing act of not creating food issues or power struggles. And at the end of the day, some kids are smaller.

I am now wondering if anyone has been secretly judging my parenting because my children are so small.

@Newearringsplease because she's being incredibly judgemental. The fact is pizza is a foreign food. Burgers are a foreign food. The op seems to have placed the emphasis on the fact the child isn't eating 'her friend's' food because it's foreign.

Kids don'y need ultra healthy organic food...they need a wide variety of food including those 'naughty ' foods like chips and icecream that make childhood worth living. I agree she sounds precious.

Are you racist op? Moroccan stews are absolutely packed with nutrients cooked in a very healthy way. Indian curry also packed with nutrients. What point are you trying to make about 'foreign food' exactly?

Read the full OP and the subsequent posts from ChilledBee and you will see that she is not making a point about 'foreign food'.

To sum up:
She is stating that the child is not eating the healthy food served daily and that as a result he is small, thin and suffering from vitamin deficiencies. His condition has been noticed by the GP and HV. The GP has suggested alternative foods because he or she understands that any food is better than virtually none at all, and has also suggested hospitalisation to monitor diet. The mother wants testing done and refuses to engage with suggestions of offering food that isn't home grown, locally/ethically sourced and pretty much vegetarian. She is concerned about possible SS involvement, which the GP and HV have also hinted at, but despite knowing that her DS is small and thin and that he isn't eating much and that SS may be concerned enough to remove her DS as they have the power to if they deem it necessary, she is still refusing to change.

Are you racist op? Moroccan stews are absolutely packed with nutrients cooked in a very healthy way. Indian curry also packed with nutrients. What point are you trying to make about 'foreign food' exactly?
Should have been italicised.

I have read three separate stories in the news recently where vegans have starved or nearly starved their baby to death. There is an element of extremist belief system to the eating habits of many people, especially with the vegan/ vegetarian/ clean eating/ healthy eating/ organic only followers.

This poor child is clearly not thriving to the extent that the GP and HV are concerned and intervention seems necessary. Given the strength of the woman’s belief in that she is watching her son starve under her regime there is little hope that she will be able to rescind her folly herself. I don’t know what the answer is. She is hardly likely to listen to the OP but I guess the right thing to do is to try to say something. I am not sure burgers are the way to go either but a more balanced diet containing protein and essential vitamins needs to be tried.

Food faddists, and especially the evangelising kind, are doing a great deal of harm to their families and in public life. They have every right to eat extreme diets themselves but not to impose it on others, especially vulnerable children. There were some sanctimonious comments about vegetarianism and healthy eating on this thread which illustrate perfectly what I mean about borderline faith and fanaticism.

Well from this thread I can deduce that I obviously feed my children shit food. Although somehow they seem to be thriving. I had no idea Shepherd's pie was so bad!!!

And don't get me started on cottage pie! Heavens to Betsy!

Some clarification:

He's on the 2nd centile for weight. I don't know his height centile but I know he grew 2cm in a year which was raised as a point of concern.

I'm going to see her tomorrow. I might raise it then.

I rather wondered how this thread would've gone if the had simply said the boy's mother makes heavily seasoned, even spicy food and he doesn't like it.

Probably rather better, because it's the root of the problem. It doesn't matter if they're old vegetables, or if they're "foreign" things like squash and aubergine. It doesn't matter if they're generically "foreign" or from north Africa. It matters that the child doesn't like them and is failing to thrive. Being "foreign" is neither here nor there, as many of the things the OP is mentioning are also not of British origin, so her use of the word is raising hackles because it's flagging up a very unpleasant set of prejudices. "My friend feeds her son hot spicy food and he won't eat it. WIBU to suggest alternatives as he's getting very thin?" would probably have gone down a lot better.

I would definitely tell the school so they can monitor his packed lunch.

I really don’t think your friend will listen to you about food until she is forced into listening. I’d tread very carefully with her to ensure you can be an understanding and helpful ally this situation really goes sideways.

I would also tell social services to speed this process up but I understand you are reluctant.

Some posters are spectacularly missing the point here. Let me précis it for you:

My friend’s child is FAILING TO THRIVE

Friend regularly cooks food her child won’t eat

When the child was at my house, I gave him different food and he ate it and gained some much needed weight.

SS/GP are concerned about the health of this child.

Some posters need to get their heads out of their asses and stop obsessing about the OP’s normal cooking.

Kids DIE when people ‘stop interfering’ /‘butt out’.

Personally I love spiced food but I hate aubergines and I bloody hate lentils and any other pulses (don’t like the texture and therefore avoid veggie stews etc even though I happily eat other veggie food). My friend who is on the ASD spectrum would have failed to thrive, he could NOT have eaten that diet.

For goodness sake OP, I know exactly what you were trying to say in your post, do say something, as gently as you can but DO say something.

I think it does sound like there a problem.here.

But equally you have him for a few days he piles on the pounds eating food he isnt used too which could just as easily have made him ill and somehow you are now an expert

Well arent you clever with your burgers and jelly. Much better than foreign crap. "Waiting for the meat and potatoes" seriously. It's possible to have a delicious healthy meal without the meat you know.

I dont know what the answer is with the kid, you can try and talk to her I guess bit I would try and word it better than you have here cos you dont come across well il.sorry but you dont.

But for the sake of the kid I guess. .

I'm forrin. I eat lots of things that others consider weird or don't like. I don't make my DD eat them.There are many foods here that I don't like, that DD does.

When she had issues I tried everything..healthy food,junk food, sweet food etc.

I have read three separate stories in the news recently where vegans have starved or nearly starved their baby to death.

The press labelled these children's diets as "vegan" but then went on to say (in one case) that the child was being fed oats and not much else That's not a vegan diet. It's hardly a diet at all. If a child is fed nothing but bacon and cheese it will be equally malnourished and sickly. The press wouldn't label it an omnivorous diet, because it isn't, yet they label "nothing but oats" a vegan diet. Vegans tend to eat everything except animal products...not fixate on eating next to nothing.