To Tell Friend To Feed Her Child Properly

[ChilledBee]

I have a friend with a four year old son. He's very small for his age and her HV and GP have made suggestions about how to change this. She isn't vegan but eats meat seldom and only shops organic and local. She makes these dishes which are foreign type stews with things like aubergine and squash (I eat/cook these things too) and will sprinkle some feta or another cheese on top. Or something with spinach and lentils. It isn't awful but for an acquired taste. My DH says it Italy seems like a side dish and he is waiting for the joint of slow cooked meat and some potatoes to accompany it. Any meat is organic/free range butcher ordered so very expensive and rarely eaten. She is very much into ethical shopping/farming/eating.

The trouble is, when I see the vegetables,they are often old (she gets a lot of home grown produce from her own allotment or that of friends) so I imagine the nutrients are depleted. Her son barely eats any of the food she gives him and she does worry about that because he's not only small but has some vitamin deficiencies too. But she thinks it has something else going on rather then he just doesn't like the food she makes.

Last week, she had to unfortunately stay in hospital for several days (10) with her mother who was touch and go. Her son stayed with me and even though it was something completely unfamiliar, he settled in well. She gave no dietary instructions so I just fed him like I do my own kids (3,3 and 1) on home cooked meals cooked from scratch (spaghetti bolognese,shepherds pie, burgers and chips) and he wolfed it down. In fact, the first day he came he had seconds and ice cream and jelly afterwards (pudding isn't routine in our house). I am embarrassed to say that I weighed him that night and the day before he went home. He gained 5lbs! My DH felt that I was out of order weighing him but I have to say that seeing him eat like that made me want to prove something I'd suspected all along.

I want to tell her that her son badly needs to eat food he likes and is healthy for a child. She often refers to childhood obesity but I think she underestimates the amount of fat and carbs a growing child needs. I know she feels quite isolated by her HV and GP who have sort of threatened her with SS (she says) but won't refer her for the medical investigations she wants. Her sister had 'failure to thrive' and was later found to have cerebral palsy which contributed to this but it isn't a hereditary condition which could explain her son's small stature. My DH doesn't think she is mentally stable. I think she is precious at best.

Would you say something?

[SimonJT]

Depends whats in the cottage pie and bolognase, minced beef is very high in fat saturated fat, it’s unlikely to contain enough dietary fibre or provide enough veg. If any premade sauces etc are used they would also be high in salt, a common cause of sudden weight gain due to water retention.

[SciFiGirl]

Op, can I ask is your friend taking his vitamin deficiencies seriously? What vitamin definiencies is he lacking? It’s very serious, there was a news story recently about a young lad losing his vision and some of his hearing due to prolonged vitamin Deficiencies. 5lbs is a lot to gain in one week but how underweight is he?

[MontBlancHonk]

He will probably tell his parents that you weighed him which is a bit weird.

Aside from that I do see your point. I'd be concerned too. A healthy diet that most dc eat should contain a good mix of different foods.

I think you just need to emphasise how well he ate at yours every time she mentions his being underweight etc.

[WindsweptEgret]

Shepherds pie & bolognese are healthy aren't they? Depends how you make them, how many veggies you pack in and if you use jars of sauces full of sugar or cook from scratch.

[BarbariansMum]

Shepherds pie, bolognese and even burger and chips can all form part of a healthy, well balanced diet. Just not maybe in the same week.

[Span1elsRock]

It sounds as if her HV and GP are already watching for the lad, so I personally wouldn't get too involved.

I used to look after a young boy who came to playgroup. His parents were staunch and evangelical vegans, and this poor lad was so small for his age, pasty pale and was permanently ill. Yes they had an amazing healthy diet but the issue their HV had was that the boy wasn't actually eating any of it and they had also cut food groups out due to "allergies" that weren't medically diagnosed.. They had all sorts of threats of SS but neither parent seemed to care that their son was struggling........ their beliefs were more important to them. I'm not sure how you fight that, tbh

[Boshmama]

I think her menu sounds nice and healthy! Stay out of it

[thebear1]

I can't get past you weighing someone else's child. If I found out someone had done that I don't think I could remain friends. It feels so intrusive.

[WonderWomansSpin]

If he's anaemic and it's so bad that the HV is talking about long-term effects why is he not being treated for it? The GP doesn't just send you home and say 'you're deficient in vitamins'. It sounds as though you don't know as much about his health and conditions as you think you do.

[Usingmyindoorvoice]

I think you should mention it to your health visitor and let the HV deal with it.
I agree with you that people underestimate the nutritional needs of young growing and active children, and they do need energy dense fats and protein to grow. There used to be something called ‘ muesli belt malnutrition’ where little kids were effectively ‘ filled up’ with fibrous foods, but not enough protein and fat for healthy development.

[HauntedPinecone]

If I was your friend, and I found out you'd weighed my child, you would be wearing your bloody jelly and ice cream.

Butt out.

[ChilledBee]

Oh and the recipes she uses are usually from other countries. She eats a lot of North and East African food as she travelled there a few times

[nobodyimportant]

FFS if the child is small enough to have the GP and HV concerned then however lovely and healthy the food she is making is, it clearly isn't nourishing enough for the child. Maybe it is just because he doesn't like it or want to eat it, but if it has reached the point where he is undernourished then clearly something has to change.

OP I think you are right that she (along with some people here it would seem) doesn't realise that children's nutritional needs are different from adults. What is a healthy diet for an adult is not a healthy diet for a child.

I think I would invite them around to eat with you so she can see him eating well at yours. Maybe you need to do it a few times. Let a natural conversation about it start, and offer some ideas. If you come on too strong you'll just annoy and upset her and she won't listen.

[BrexitBingoGenerator]

God that’s so weird- your friend is sat in hospital with her poor mum and you’re at home sticking her son on weighing scales and feeding him jelly

[user1494670108]

I was a very skinny child and a very "picky eater" as an adult I have watch my weight and I eat virtually everything except over cooked veg and meat that's been roasted til it's tough.
What I'm trying to say is that I did not like my parents cooking and leaving home (to go to uni) was a revelation.
I still love to cook.
I did not know what the answer is except to maybe gently tell her that he enjoyed dinner st yours and ate well

[BarbariansMum]

OMG forrin food! That poor child.

[ChilledBee]

He's on a multivitamin and iron supplements but the iron causes constipation so mum understandably isn't keen

[Teddybear45]

If he gained 5 pounds at yours over just a few days then your diet is too high in salt and probably unhealthy.

[leomama81]

Mince beef isn't high in fat if you choose lower fat versions. And OP is right that a homemade burger and chips doesn't have to be unhealthy, particularly if we're talking baked sliced potatoes for chips etc.

That said, your friend's diet has good elements to it, it just sounds like there is a lack of balance, with little protein or carbs (and despite all the low carb diets out there, we do actually really need them, growing children do in particular.

Unfortunately, it is very difficult for you to do anything though and definitely do not mention the weighing!! You could say something like he was really good with his eating, and hope that starts a useful conversation. But you do need to tread very very carefully...

[ChilledBee]

I thought since he had been scooped up from his home and sent to mine where he has never stayed overnight, I'd give the kids a treat with a pudding. As I said, it is rare in our home to have a pudding. Maybe occasionally on a Sunday family dinner.

[WindsweptEgret]

What's wrong with recipes from other countries?

[SciFiGirl]

Is she concerned though? Is she looking up other foods he can have to combat what he’s lacking through his diet. I am a pescatarian but my DC will eat meat or anything they need for a healthy diet. I guess a lot of people saying her diet is healthy etc, isn’t the point it’s not healthy if he isn’t eating it

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

Unless she is serving him the exact same meal every day or every meal contains an ingredient he genuinely hates then YABU. It sounds like he has a varied balanced diet. It's not like he never has meat.

I would put on 5 lbs if I was eating things like burgers chips and ice cream over 10 days. It doesnt mean there is anything wrong with my diet.

You may be right. And I know its difficult as you have to weigh that and knowing he has potential health issues against falling out with your friend. But until you know for sure, it seems a bit harsh to me

[Whatsforu]

Crikey all these people saying it's heathy butt out!!! Missing the point much!! The kid sounds unhealthy because he is not eating it!!! I would mention to HV your friend sounds like she is not listening. Someone needs to step up and spell it out to her!!

[MoreCuddlesForMummy]

I’d definitely be in the gently gently camp in terms of saying something like “he was such a lovely house guest he was really well behaved and ate lots of dinner”.

I could pick apart what you’ve said about your friends cooking; but actually I know what you’re trying to say. It could be the healthiest meals in the world, but if he’s not eating them then they aren’t doing him any good.

I do think personally that your menu sounds a touch heavy on the red meat, but if all made from scratch there’s nothing wrong with those meals at all. I make veggie mince at home because my daughter just isn’t keen on mince. But I know she’ll eat it and we all enjoy it.

Your friends priorities with food are very well meant but again, only worth it if her child is thriving/eating. Of course she won’t want to go down the chicken nuggets and oven chips route, that would be a polar opposite to her values (not judging this who choose to eat that it’s just an example). But there is a middle ground. I think as some other PPs have suggested, you could have them both around for dinner and make something that would fit her criteria but that her son would eat. That’s maybe the more gentle way of doing it.

I can see what you’re trying to achieve is coming from the very best of places. But you have to be careful!