To Tell Friend To Feed Her Child Properly

[ChilledBee]

I have a friend with a four year old son. He's very small for his age and her HV and GP have made suggestions about how to change this. She isn't vegan but eats meat seldom and only shops organic and local. She makes these dishes which are foreign type stews with things like aubergine and squash (I eat/cook these things too) and will sprinkle some feta or another cheese on top. Or something with spinach and lentils. It isn't awful but for an acquired taste. My DH says it Italy seems like a side dish and he is waiting for the joint of slow cooked meat and some potatoes to accompany it. Any meat is organic/free range butcher ordered so very expensive and rarely eaten. She is very much into ethical shopping/farming/eating.

The trouble is, when I see the vegetables,they are often old (she gets a lot of home grown produce from her own allotment or that of friends) so I imagine the nutrients are depleted. Her son barely eats any of the food she gives him and she does worry about that because he's not only small but has some vitamin deficiencies too. But she thinks it has something else going on rather then he just doesn't like the food she makes.

Last week, she had to unfortunately stay in hospital for several days (10) with her mother who was touch and go. Her son stayed with me and even though it was something completely unfamiliar, he settled in well. She gave no dietary instructions so I just fed him like I do my own kids (3,3 and 1) on home cooked meals cooked from scratch (spaghetti bolognese,shepherds pie, burgers and chips) and he wolfed it down. In fact, the first day he came he had seconds and ice cream and jelly afterwards (pudding isn't routine in our house). I am embarrassed to say that I weighed him that night and the day before he went home. He gained 5lbs! My DH felt that I was out of order weighing him but I have to say that seeing him eat like that made me want to prove something I'd suspected all along.

I want to tell her that her son badly needs to eat food he likes and is healthy for a child. She often refers to childhood obesity but I think she underestimates the amount of fat and carbs a growing child needs. I know she feels quite isolated by her HV and GP who have sort of threatened her with SS (she says) but won't refer her for the medical investigations she wants. Her sister had 'failure to thrive' and was later found to have cerebral palsy which contributed to this but it isn't a hereditary condition which could explain her son's small stature. My DH doesn't think she is mentally stable. I think she is precious at best.

Would you say something?

Opt-I can't see if you answered this, but are there any other concerns about his development?

Oh OP. If he'd been a little fat boy you'd have had everyone lining up to pillory the mum.
Unfortunately the orthorexics don't care if he's half starved and malnourished in their rush of horror against anything with a decent fat content or containing red meat.

A low fat veggie diet is quite frankly a shit one for a growing child. And red meat isn't the devil, it's got a huge array of bio-available nutrients. It's not exactly easy getting your full range of amino acids elsewhere for one thing.

@ChilledBee what other health conditions does he have?

Red meat isn't the devil. But three times a week?

The burgers were pork so not red meat

Op, you measured and collected personal data from a child without his parents consent?

Do you realise just how unethical this is?

Can you also suggest that her son would benefit from school lunches? Tell her that it is a great opportunity for him to try foods that are different to at home and eat socially alongside others which might encourage him. Her resistance to school dinners does suggest excessive control to me or a misguided belief that he won't like them (going by your experience that he will eat well).

If you believe it's his tastebuds could you not put it forward to her this way, something along the lines of 'maybe the flavours are to strong for his little tastebuds, let's make him a little salad and pasta or a jacket potato and cheese very mild flavoured foods see if he likes that' still a healthy diet for a child ' and for a snack we could try a tuna wrap or a fruit stick' (all these things my 3dd's love 11,5 & 2, I've always minded my children's diets but also let them have a McDonald's and such every now and again my dd11 says her favourite food is broccoli which people laugh about she loves it she was never was allowed fizzy pop at all when she was younger now she's older she can choose it when out for meals and such if she wishes but does not she says she dosent like it after trying afew sips as I've said she's 11 now and has tried a wide variety of dishes/meals but nowadays when we out she chooses her own meal/snacks and she nearly always chooses healthy it's just her preferred choice her weakness is a dominoes and chocolate cake though she asks for them every now and again 😋 as for dd2 she's abit more taken by chips and such and not so much the veg only veg she's happy to eat is carrots, I still put the veg on her plate but also put the chips/mash/pasta there too of corse she eats the chips etc and sometimes will have a nibble on the veg but most days it goes in the bin but at least I know she's eaten something, maybe another option to mention to the mother she could try adding something to his meal that she knows he will eat.

Orthorexia is a massive problem...a lot of Mother’s are so obsessed with their diet and insecurities they are forcing it upon their children!! Yes ...don’t stuff your kids with unhealthy processed food but equally don’t starve them without carbohydrates and protein !!

I rather wondered how this thread would've gone if the had simply said the boy's mother makes heavily seasoned, even spicy food and he doesn't like it.

OP can be the most horrible (racist,snobbish,stupid whatever ) person in the world. It doesn't change in any way the fact that there is a small child out there that is not thriving,not eating and in need of supplements and vitamins. A child whose mother would rather have him medically tested than trying to alter his diet

So the OP says. Certainly fits her 'superior parent' narrative much better. As does weighing the child. All to 'prove' herself right, as she acknowledges. Not to mention that the level of detail the OP knows about this situation is amazing though my favourite part is the 'old, nutrient depleted vegetables' bit. Uh huh.

OP, YANBU. I hate threads like this. If you had not mentioned the words "vegan" or "foreign type stews" you would have had a better response. If you'd said "this child is living off dippers and crisps" then everybody would have been quoting the child that went blind and deaf because of his beige diet, you would have been told to ring 101 and social services. You can't do right for doing wrong and have now been labelled racist and uneducated.

So I speak as the parent of an autistic chid who has a beige diet with a list of around five foods. Fortunately I also have an excellent GP and supportive school. I'd love him to eat the sort of diet you describe in your household, healthy, filling, normal for a family. I try and do veggie alternatives a couple of times a week to no avail with DS. I would also love him to try foods at somebody else's house and for them to tell me! I'd be delighted! Unfortunately I think you a mother who can't accept that perhaps her diet for her child needs to be improved or increased. After all this is a child whose nutritional deficiences are now under observation by professionals.

If it were me, I'd say that child enjoyed X, Y and Z when he was staying.. I wouldn't be offended by this and quite honestly, I wouldn't worry about causing offence. His failing health is far more of a worry.

Only on mn would a hungry child be preferable to eating 'unhealthy' spag bol.

I'm not white and not in the slightest bit offended by op's comments about foreign food, because she isn't being racist. My son won't eat spicy food and it's something I've always eaten - being foreign and all. He just doesn't like it and I won't force it on him.

Some people will twist themselves into a pretzel trying to be offended.

Oh my god. Another "only on MN". The OP is quite rightly concerned about a child who is not thriving and is malnourished and everyone jumps on her for being judgy. Yet someone leaves their child only for 2 minutes to hang the washing out in the garden and everyone is calling for Social Services to be called.

I think the idea by a previous poster to get her round for dinner so she can see for resell and you don't need to say anything. If she expresses an interest then offer recipes.

Mini the issue is that the child in question is under the care of health professionals that are monitoring the situation.

The op overstepped a massive boundery when she weighed a child without the parents permission. Inorder to prove her hypothesis about the child. Her 'trial' was not sanctioned by the childs parents or the health professionals.

A huge breach of trust.

Some weird replies here. The bottom line is that regardless of what the chlid is being fed, they are underweight, have vitamin deficiences and the GP and HV appear to have suggested SS involvement. Yeah, but the OP should be concerned because, you know, lentils are healthy .

I rather wondered how this thread would've gone if the had simply said the boy's mother makes heavily seasoned, even spicy food and he doesn't like it.

^

Yup. The champagne socialists wouldn't have bitten at all.

• shouldn't

OP can be the most horrible (racist,snobbish,stupid whatever ) person in the world. It doesn't change in any way the fact that there is a small child out there that is not thriving,not eating and in need of supplements and vitamins. A child whose mother would rather have him medically tested than trying to alter his diet

THIS ^^

OP, I honestly think you should call SS.

CJsGoldfish the OP is a friend of the mother's and probably gets a good preaching to about saving the world every time they meet.

Can't believe you are seriously suggesting that the OP is making it all up just so that she can feel smug and superior.

I am struggling to see how you think you fed him better feeding him burgers and chips when he usually has veg?
GunpowderGelatine

The reason he was better fed on the burger and chips is that there is a big difference between food and fresh air.

He doesn't eat the veg that is served at home.

*She uses a lot of root vegetables that are stored through the year.

Erm so do the supermarkets!

ChilledBee
See she rarely eats at my house. We just seem to be at hers more often than mine. You know it's just like that with some people? Other friends do come to mine more than I go to theirs.

This makes me think a pp was right to suspect orthorexia or a strong need to control food.

I suspect if you made her some food for her freezer she would simply throw it out.

OP I wonder if the GP and HV are aware of the menu she is serving him and that he doesn't eat it?

You'd think they'd make suggestions for other food to try.

There does seem to be a disconnect with the mum if she just keeps feeding him the same things expecting him to eat it because she likes it and it's healthy and then saying well he's a picky eater.

It's not healthy to being giving him such a restrictive diet anyway.

His growth may end up being permanently stunted and brain function may be less due to him not getting enough fats and amino acids to fuel the brain.

I am not sure what you can do. Would it be possible to invite him for dinner more or maybe since she has been stressed with the hospital visits, to make something and bring it over? You could say I brought his favourite when he was staying. Possibly, if she sees him wolfing it down, and the resulting energy burst, something in her head might click about giving him other foods.