To Tell Friend To Feed Her Child Properly

[ChilledBee]

I have a friend with a four year old son. He's very small for his age and her HV and GP have made suggestions about how to change this. She isn't vegan but eats meat seldom and only shops organic and local. She makes these dishes which are foreign type stews with things like aubergine and squash (I eat/cook these things too) and will sprinkle some feta or another cheese on top. Or something with spinach and lentils. It isn't awful but for an acquired taste. My DH says it Italy seems like a side dish and he is waiting for the joint of slow cooked meat and some potatoes to accompany it. Any meat is organic/free range butcher ordered so very expensive and rarely eaten. She is very much into ethical shopping/farming/eating.

The trouble is, when I see the vegetables,they are often old (she gets a lot of home grown produce from her own allotment or that of friends) so I imagine the nutrients are depleted. Her son barely eats any of the food she gives him and she does worry about that because he's not only small but has some vitamin deficiencies too. But she thinks it has something else going on rather then he just doesn't like the food she makes.

Last week, she had to unfortunately stay in hospital for several days (10) with her mother who was touch and go. Her son stayed with me and even though it was something completely unfamiliar, he settled in well. She gave no dietary instructions so I just fed him like I do my own kids (3,3 and 1) on home cooked meals cooked from scratch (spaghetti bolognese,shepherds pie, burgers and chips) and he wolfed it down. In fact, the first day he came he had seconds and ice cream and jelly afterwards (pudding isn't routine in our house). I am embarrassed to say that I weighed him that night and the day before he went home. He gained 5lbs! My DH felt that I was out of order weighing him but I have to say that seeing him eat like that made me want to prove something I'd suspected all along.

I want to tell her that her son badly needs to eat food he likes and is healthy for a child. She often refers to childhood obesity but I think she underestimates the amount of fat and carbs a growing child needs. I know she feels quite isolated by her HV and GP who have sort of threatened her with SS (she says) but won't refer her for the medical investigations she wants. Her sister had 'failure to thrive' and was later found to have cerebral palsy which contributed to this but it isn't a hereditary condition which could explain her son's small stature. My DH doesn't think she is mentally stable. I think she is precious at best.

Would you say something?

[Apolloanddaphne]

I'm glad your friend is taking your advice on board.

[ChilledBee]

Yes I think we concluded that intake of food is the most important thing when it comes to diet.

[StockTakeFucks]

@Fresta the thread moved on,not that your argument hasn't been mentioned about a dozen times anyways.

[Fresta]

Don't be ridiculous. Spaghetti bolognese isn't an essential part of anyone's diet. Kids aren't born with a set menu programmed in that the parent has to unlock. As long as they have have right balance of carbs, fat and protein provided they they won't starve. Kids get accustomed to the tastes they are weaned on and grow up on. Do you think children in growing up in the wilds of Africa and similar places fail to thrive because they don't like their food and really their parents are neglecting them if they don't feed them some spaghetti or chicken nuggets right now!

[AtomicSquirrel3]

Soooooo many people missing the point. She could make the best food in the world, if he doesn't like it he isn't going to eat it. She needs to be adapting the food she's offering, giving him a wide range of food (including the stuff he obviously likes, spag bol, etc). The mother needs to open her eyes and start putting her son first . His vitamin deficiencies have the potential to make him feel very ill which could affect his learning at school and his general wellbeing. Her doctor and health visitor have spoken to her about this already, she needs to start listening.

[hazeyjane]

Well that seemed remarkably easy to sort out!

[CandyLeBonBon]

This is all good op - I'm glad things are looking up!

[ChilledBee]

Okay so things are going in the right direction. He's definitely a fan of firmer foods.

[mathanxiety]

It seems very clear to me that this woman needs SS intervention to ensure compliance with the GP's advice.

Her son has a diagnosis of anemia and seriously curtailed growth but she still thinks a diet that is both low in iron and one her son won't eat isn't the problem.

She is happily contemplating the most invasive forms of investigation for her son instead of dropping her (clearly) ill informed principles.

Does she want to be proved right? To end up with a diagnosis of some issue so she can say Hah! Told ya! to the doctor? Is she so firm in her convictions (i.e. orthorexic) that she won't try the course of action that would be least painful and traumatic for her own child? What mother would prefer to see even a blood test taken instead of making a few meals of simple spag bol or swedish meatballs or shepherds pie for her child?

On top of all this, there is a dietician suggesting that the food refusal at home is a behavioural issue. Food behavioural issues do not happen in a vacuum.

Something is awry in the relationship between mother and child.

[Mxyzptlk]

I do feel bad for the kid when he said that OPs food didn't make his bum hurt.
As an asian we make lots of spicy food. We put yogurt in our food for kids or take some out for kids before putting spices in it. Even then as an adult I have had problems with ulcers and had to go spice free for a while.

That's interesting to know about, and I hope it's helpful to the OP.

You could say to your friend that you read that somewhere, OP, which would be true.

[bananasaidso]

Also to someone said that it's rude of kids to tell parents that they don't like the food. Thing is the parents were also considerate of their kids and wouldn't make something that they knew kids wont eat. My parents liked vegetables but we didn't and we only started getting a taste for them when we got older. They never forced used to eat them. My mum would also make something that would cater to every one. So if she made one dish that kids wont eat then the other dish would be something that we can eat.

I do feel bad for the kid when he said that OPs food didn't make his bum hurt. As an asian we make lots of spicy food. We put yogurt in our food for kids or take some out for kids before putting spices in it. Even then as an adult I have had problems with ulcers and had to go spice free for a while.

[bananasaidso]

Those who are saying kids eat every thing and if you wean them on food you are eating then thy will eat happily never had a picky eater who also is very stubborn. Mine was like that when little. I tried to introduce all sorts of healthy food and what we ate. But she would smell the food and then leave it. She would rather go hungry than eat that. I suspect she is a super taster and her taste buds are like mine as I too can't eat certain foods because my taste buds are very very sensitive. Our lives have become much easier since we have started giving her homemade healthier versions of the food she likes and yes that includes speg bol, burgers and shepherds pie. You can hide a lot of vegetables in speg bol and shepherds pie and make it less salty if you want to. Kids need carbs, full fat and protein for their growing mind and body. Their needs are different to adults.

So OP's friend might be making healthy food but it's of no use if the kid doesn't like it. And for those who say cumin is not spicy, then you should also know that not many people like the taste of cumin. I have a family member who can't eat any food with cumin in it as they can tell it's in it even if it's hidden. OP is right, her friends needs to give her child food that they will eat and introduce more complex flavours slowly. Main priority is to get the child to eat.

[hazeyjane]

Well that turned around quickly!

[Mxyzptlk]

It's great that the child himself said he liked your food.

Maybe she'd be open to making veg stews that are less spicy, or not spicy at all? Including potato or wholewheat pasta. And putting extra seasoning on her own helping.

The mum is clearly not unreasonably obsessed with providing one type of food but seems to have little idea of what else to give her son.

[StockTakeFucks]

She is willing to expand the food a bit and eat round mine more often to see if it just the fact that my kids are here so he copies them.

That's a great start. Once those changes are in place and he eats round yours more often if he's still not gaining then she can look at medical tests. The GP and dietician will be more likely to listen too once they see she has made changes to his diet.

[AlbertWinestein]

I wouldn’t worry OP. Your friend will probably log onto MN at some point and read how her child’s very identifiable welfare has been splashed all over the internet for complete strangers to discuss and that, while she was in hospital with her Mum, you were happily weighing her son. At which point, you probably won’t have a friend anymore to worry about.

[Tensixtysix]

Back in the early 80s my brother was taken away on the GP's diagnosis that my mum was starving him!
They kept him in hospital for a couple of weeks and fed him loads and he still didn't put much weight on.
It was all down to genetics, we as a family were very skinny before the age of 30.
My own mum never weighed more than 7 stone, but the GP was biased straight away as she was bi-polar.
I myself was always 8 stone and only started to put on weight once I went on the pill and then after my first pregnancy...
Bam! and the weight piled on, lol!
But back in those days, no one seemed to notice that we were skin and bones as our parents were as well.
We ate well enough, we just didn't snack much.
I'd say something.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

That’s really positive. Maybe it would be the right time to invite her and her ds over to dinner. (Seeing as he seemed to enjoy eating with the family). Id have a which meal would be the most palatable to her and serve.

My dh likes spicier foods. He has a bottle of Tabasco and adds spice to meals. If she agrees to coming over, you could produce a bottle for her to put some on her meal as she may find your cooking too bland.

I’m not a great lover of the eat well plate. But perhaps it could be an indicator for her. However, it sounds as though her ds could do with full fat milk etc atm. I think the main thing is her ds needs to eat and eat until he is full.

[SarahTancredi]

Well chilled I'm glad your friend is ok with you. I do also hope that you discussed it in a better way than you did on here . Whether or not you meant to you didnt come across well.

I still think, as even you said that there were possible behaviour issues that weighing could have seriously back fired. As in if your place was almost like a safe place where food wasnt an issue and he didnt get weighed, then you ruined that at the end.

I also still think that eating that much and if that different a food could also have been a bit risky especially as you had/have no idea if there were any medical issues there. There still.might be. As I said before gaining and losing weight should he done slowly and sensibly.

I am glad that there seems to he some.progreas and a good outcome so far here though.

[tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz]

That's a great start OP

[ChilledBee]

@Mummyoflittledragon

We ended up speaking about it all. She is willing to expand the food a bit and eat round mine more often to see if it just the fact that my kids are here so he copies them. He apparently said to her that "the food CB makes doesn't hurt my bum when I poo", so she had already considered toning down the spice a bit. I even told her that I weighed him too. He hasn't been constipated. He wasn't when he was here either. I realise you didn't ask about that but it was mentioned earlier!

@hazeyjane

No concerns otherwise. He's as bright as a button. He can read well! Well, he does go to bed at 7 and you have to wake him up to get ready at 7. On weekends, he sleeps about 14 hours if he isn't woken accidentally or purposely. Maybe that's coincidental though. That's something the GP and dietician associate with his anaemia but apparently it isn't that uncommon at his age. Especially as he's never napped in the day since about 1.5yrs.

@SarahTancredi

The doctors/specialists aren't considering invasive tests at this point. They've suggested some dietary changes quite firmly but my friend is genuinely worried it is a medical issue and wants to go down that route sooner rather than later. She is of course worried about his weight it is just that as she has always eaten like she does now and breastfed him, she didn't consider that the food isn't agreeing with him. Particularly the spice.

[RaininSummer]

An 'a' for the pedants (of which I am one)

[RaininSummer]

Have red most of the thread but in response to the latest update and opening for convo, I would be inclined to say (non-judgmentally) that it must have been the different types of food and then drop in that he did seem to really enjoy the spag bol etc. It is up to friend what she then does does with that info.

[SarahTancredi]

And behavioural issues around food can be caused by many things.

Such as obsessions with how much or how little a kid eats. Food being a huge focus which given there is medical intervention here that could well explain it. He had 10 days "off" when he went to stay with op I til the last thing she did was way him herself.. that really could have back fired. We wont know will we.

And also kids can be picky and nervous if they are used to feeling a bit crappy after eating. Which could indicate there is a problem here like an.intolerance or whatever. Again it's possible the change of scenery and distraction temporarily solved the problem.


Yes its possible the mum.could be batshit I've not said other wise I just think the op comes across as smug and superior and more concerned with being proven right than the actual child

[SarahTancredi]

I have read the update. And its possible that they are adding fats and oils to the food. Shes not 100 percent sure what the other deficiencies are so theres probably plenty of other stuff that she doesnt know.

Frankly if she was my friend and was this majorly invested in my child whilst simultaneously using my.absence to validate her opinions I'd be telling her nothing more tbh.

It was 10days.. .. hardly enough time or evidence to suggest shes find some.miravle cure for all the problems