To Tell Friend To Feed Her Child Properly

[ChilledBee]

I have a friend with a four year old son. He's very small for his age and her HV and GP have made suggestions about how to change this. She isn't vegan but eats meat seldom and only shops organic and local. She makes these dishes which are foreign type stews with things like aubergine and squash (I eat/cook these things too) and will sprinkle some feta or another cheese on top. Or something with spinach and lentils. It isn't awful but for an acquired taste. My DH says it Italy seems like a side dish and he is waiting for the joint of slow cooked meat and some potatoes to accompany it. Any meat is organic/free range butcher ordered so very expensive and rarely eaten. She is very much into ethical shopping/farming/eating.

The trouble is, when I see the vegetables,they are often old (she gets a lot of home grown produce from her own allotment or that of friends) so I imagine the nutrients are depleted. Her son barely eats any of the food she gives him and she does worry about that because he's not only small but has some vitamin deficiencies too. But she thinks it has something else going on rather then he just doesn't like the food she makes.

Last week, she had to unfortunately stay in hospital for several days (10) with her mother who was touch and go. Her son stayed with me and even though it was something completely unfamiliar, he settled in well. She gave no dietary instructions so I just fed him like I do my own kids (3,3 and 1) on home cooked meals cooked from scratch (spaghetti bolognese,shepherds pie, burgers and chips) and he wolfed it down. In fact, the first day he came he had seconds and ice cream and jelly afterwards (pudding isn't routine in our house). I am embarrassed to say that I weighed him that night and the day before he went home. He gained 5lbs! My DH felt that I was out of order weighing him but I have to say that seeing him eat like that made me want to prove something I'd suspected all along.

I want to tell her that her son badly needs to eat food he likes and is healthy for a child. She often refers to childhood obesity but I think she underestimates the amount of fat and carbs a growing child needs. I know she feels quite isolated by her HV and GP who have sort of threatened her with SS (she says) but won't refer her for the medical investigations she wants. Her sister had 'failure to thrive' and was later found to have cerebral palsy which contributed to this but it isn't a hereditary condition which could explain her son's small stature. My DH doesn't think she is mentally stable. I think she is precious at best.

Would you say something?

@ChilledBee this thread is pointless now , no matter what you say or what other details you add PP's will still bang on that your food is shit,hers is great, you're fat and racist and her kid is fiiiiiiine.

Because no kid has ever died or became disabled due to malnourishment or a deficient (sometimes plant based)diet. Nah,that never happens.

My DD dropped from the 97th centile for height at birth (her true genetic centile) to the 2nd centile by the age of 2. Her weight was slightly under for height - so a huge drop.

GP and HV took it very seriously and we were sent off to the children's hospital pretty fast. DD was anaemic and had very low vit B12 which was corrected very fast with injections.

We had a huge battle with food - she refused to eat pretty much anything. Hospital told me to keep breast-feeding (finally stopped at 3.5 years) and not to worry what she ate food-wise but aim for high fat, high protein and high carb - anything she swallowed was a victory. Ketchup was declared a vegetable.

Turned out that DD had undetectable levels of Insulin Growth Factor (IGF-1) which is what your body needs to use growth hormone properly, and also has a marked effect on appetite and sleep.

She's now 10 and still tiny compared with where she should be - but a very careful eye is kept on her vitamin levels and she has supplements to make sure she stays at a reasonable level.

DD's low levels of IGF-1 are almost certainly due to something odd in her DNA, but the major cause of low levels is malnutrition. The endocrinologists spent a huge amount of time monitoring what happened when we got good balances of nutrition into her (a major battle) before declaring that her deficiency was not down to diet but something more medical.

Having been given a lot of information on the implications of a child being deprived of key vitamins, I would definitely have a quiet word with the HV - the effects can be very long-lasting and potentially life-changing.

Rather than telling her why not show her. Invite them for dinner. Let her see her son eat the type of food he likes. Then suggest maybe she tries it for a couple weeks to see if he picks up in his eating.

I really don't understand what is racist about saying the food someone is cooking their child is for an acquired taste and he doesn't like it.

If she only cooked very bland food and we were in the same situation, I'd suggest she gives him some curried goat and roti and see if he likes it better.

The issue is that he doesn't like the food she cooks and seems to be suffering for it. I weighed him because she actually told me that her GP said they will take a child "into another environment like hospital" and see if a change in diet leads them to gain weight. Her response was that anyone would gain weight (unhealthily so) if they eat junk but her GP was literally saying that she should give him chicken nuggets and that type of food. I'm was very reluctant to say what I've been thinking all along which was "are you sure he won't eat a plate of spag bol?". See she rarely eats at my house. We just seem to be at hers more often than mine. You know it's just like that with some people? Other friends do come to mine more than I go to theirs.

The endocrinologists spent a huge amount of time monitoring what happened when we got good balances of nutrition into her (a major battle) before declaring that her deficiency was not down to diet but something more medical.

Which is why a change in diet should be the first step no matter what other PP's say.

The burgers were pork so not red meat.

Head|Wall

And you are reckoning to be a source of nutrition advice?

OP first you were worried that the food was vegan even though it had cheese, now you're worried it's too spicy? Is she really putting chilli in a 4yo food or are you extrapolating? "spice", like cumin etc isn't actually hot as I'm sure you know. I use mild curry powder, it's not spicy, if there was any hot pepper etc my 4yo wouldn't eat it!

@Ithinkmycatisevil give over, you admit you haven't read the full thread, stop with the snide remarks. Copy and paste here what it was you thought I said that was judgy?

If I ever had a child dietary question the last place I would ask is mn.

I serve cottage pie . I put mixed veg in it and usually broccoli on the side. I am sure it wasn’t mince and gravy with mashed potatoes on top.red meat is good for iron as is green veg but a malnourished child really get them to eat everything. I think obesity is the least of this boys concerns.

If he has started school will be under a school nurse now and he should be having a lunchtime meal 5 days a meal . See how he is getting on at lunch.

I am sure as you are close enough to have her Ds stay you know best how she may iisten to your experience . Though I would omit that you weighed him.

Although your friend’s diet sounds healthy and nutritious, it sounds like her son just does not enjoy it. Most of us have to adapt our meals around the kids; they don’t always want the same as what we ate pre kids. To ignore this would be turning a blind eye and it sounds like your concerns are very real. It is a difficult subject to bring up but as someone mentioned previously, you could mention the meals he’s enjoyed. It might be that your friend could do with some meal inspiration and you’re a caring friend to help out for a week.

he should be having a lunchtime meal 5 days a meal . See how he is getting on at lunch.

The kid is on packed lunches,there's no escape.

There's a fine line between pandering and accomodating children's preferences, but I believe removing spices is firmly in the 'accomodating' category.

He might eat quite happily the food he's normally given as long as it'd be toned down to be pleasant to the a child's taste buds.

I'm not English, fed my child a varried diet and even so at 4, he only likes bland food- so he gets fed healthy, but generally bland (to me) food and he's thriving.

I had a similar problem with a friend of mine..... She has a problem with food herself and I did say it to her that perhaps she was just overly worried about her daughter and projecting her own issues. Now I would be that blunt friend but in a nice way.
Whenever they stayed with me for holidays or weekends, 4/5 times a year (they lived in a different part of the country) I fed all the kids the same and she saw for herself that her child Did like it and she wasn't severely ill afterwards.
Upshot being she relaxed a little. Invite them over or offer to have him for afterschool/play dates etc. Do think you were being unreasonable however to weigh him, slightly too far love and do not tell her you did this

OP do you know why he's having packed lunch at school? The default would be (free) school meals, so I'm wondering how invested she is in what he eats, is she worried it's junk food?
Was she worried about what food you'd be giving him?

If he's been fed this sort of food since weaning then it's exactly what he's used to, right? Children arent born craving burger and chips and then have to learn to eat lentils and rice. And I've lived among malnourished children (also in sub- Saharan Africa) and one thing they were not is fussy. They ate almost anything. My mum was starving as a child after WW2 and she said the same - you eat anything to stay alive.

That said, if you really think that your friend's issues are making her starve her child, then please talk to her really seriously or report her.

@BlueCornsihPixie @mathanxiety. Thank you math, you have summed my post up perfectly. The cousin was the wakeup call as they were both 3 years old at the time. MY DS years later is more like his cousin with a proper balanced diet behind him.

I would actually have doubts about a GP or HV who suggested that a child in a pretty much veggie household should eat chicken nuggets. The OP is certainly not the only person out there with outdated notions about ‘foreign food’.

what about making her some lentil shepherd pies "for the freezer" as a kind gesture, since she has been ill, or some fish pies, with lots of mashed potatoes on top (with milk and cheese). Win win, she won't be insulted, as it is a gift AND she gets to see how how her child gobbles up the right sort of food.
Or perhaps a wholemeal pasta bake, again it can be frozen, with chopped veg, some sausage in it and cheese sauce over it. The sort o f food she wouldn't mind cooking full of ethical veg, but a bit plainer, and more carbs.

Yoghurt with chopped fruit and flapjack as a pudding , or apple crumbles, again you could freeze one for her so she sees he likes it,

I really wouldn't say anything, but if you want to help, invite them round to meals or send something over to show her "how it is done".

Am I reading a different thread??
The point is that the child won't eat the food his mother gives him! Op has already said, it doesn't MATTER what the food is if he won't eat it!
And chicken nuggets (protein,,fat, carbs) is better than fresh bloody air! So I 100% beleive a doctor would say that.

Agreed Hepzibah

Believe it or not the recipe for spag bol is from another country too OP.

I'd end the friendship too if I found out a friend had been weighing my child trying to prove some point.

OP, I think you are right to feel concern about your friend's child, but a lot of what you say here suggests that you are the wrong person to deliver this message.

The fact that the food she cooks comes from other countries is secondary to the fact that her child is not being nourished. Plenty of children thrive on similar dishes as part of a balanced diet. A Western or British diet is not inherently better for a child, a balanced one is.

Clearly there are professionals raising concerns about the child- leave the intervention with them.

Professionals are already involved and will intervene if need be.
She doesn't need you to police her parenting and you need to butt out. Although, you should do her a favour first and come clean about your actions and opinions re. her child. You're obviously not much of a friend.

This whole thread is just a forum for the OP to show how she loves her children more with her 'cooked from scratch' home meals v her friends 'foreign type' foods with 'old' (wtf?) weird veg.

Yes, OP, you are the superior one here. With such an in depth knowledge of their situation to boot!

Weighing the child was weird and I'm glad you proved that you are the better parent here.

2nd centile isn't too bad btw
Without knowing the growth trends that is a pointless statement. The O.P has pointed out that he has dropped centille which would explain the G.Ps and H.V concern. The O.P is getting an unwarranted hard time because she has a concern for a childs welfare . How many times do we hear 'why did nobody say anything?'.
O.P your obviously a good friend having someone's child for a week, that's above and beyond. I would agree try to work into general conversation the boys eating and if you have more concerns your H.V .

Oh and the recipes she uses are usually from other countries. She eats a lot of North and East African food as she travelled there a few times

Best stick to good old British food like spaghetti bolognaise then