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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

409 replies

caraofthevelvetbluesea · 15/09/2019 17:57

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so would be good to get views on this. For context, though not sure if this is even really relevant - partner and I have been together for 6 years, have a mortgage together and have spoken about marriage. He is not in any debt at all apart from the mortgage, and I’ve got about £5k in credit card debt. I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me, though we both work full time.

He has recently inherited £80k. I asked him what he would be doing with the money and he is putting all of it into a savings account or into stocks/shares. I absolutely didn’t expect him to just give me a wad of cash to go wild with as I understand it’s HIS money to do whatever with, but AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t want to spend any of it at all on any sort of shared experience that we could both enjoy? We don’t have a lot of money left to spend each month, especially me as I’m trying to pay my credit card debts off, and I wish he’d just say (for example), “we’re going to New York!!!”

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank.

I’ve said nothing as don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be honest, please can you honestly tell me what your expectations would be if this was you?

OP posts:
Durgasarrow · 16/09/2019 14:17

I am curious why you would 1. have a joint mortgage but 2. only have "spoken of" marriage. To me, that sounds as if you, OP, would like to be married, but that somehow that sounded too extreme a commitment--but somehow, sharing a mortgage wasn't?

woodchuck99 · 16/09/2019 14:27

I think in this case tgey aren't just tenants but boyfriend and girlfriend

It doesn't matter whether they are boyfriend or girlfriend! They aren't married and if they are tennants in common which sounds quite likely then legally each one owns a share in the property and they haven't necessarily made a huge commitment to each other.

Cheeseandwin5 · 16/09/2019 14:40

I dont see why him earning more than her means thathe should pay more. Once the decision was made to split the finances fairly, then the costs are the same whatever she/he earns. Why is he being mean spirited not to subsidise her lifestyle, for sure this is once again a hypocritical stance made by many who wouldnt dream of saying the same if the genders were reversed.
It seems to me that you are probably a bit flaky with cash though as you have £5k of credit card debits but your first thought is a trip to NY.
I would say though that if the finances are split like this , than all chores should be too.

splitthedifference · 16/09/2019 14:50

I wouldn't be able to enjoy a treat like, say, a trip to New York if I had a credit card debt. My upbringing has left me with a massive fear of 'living beyond my means', even if someone else is paying. But I accept that that's just me.

partofyoupoursoutofme · 16/09/2019 14:51

I inherited a similar amount of money, when my partner and I were poor and struggling. I saved it all, we tightened our belts even further and 7 years later we are married, own our own house with a very small mortgage, and work 3 days a week each. If we had treated ourselves or had that sort of attitude we would be in a different position now, with good memories but a much more uncertain future. Saving can bring huge benefits, your partner sounds sensible!

Parker231 · 16/09/2019 15:00

All our money is joint money regardless of whether it is from salary, bonus or inheritance. We also ensure we both have the same personal money each month regardless of salary level.

userxx · 16/09/2019 15:36

LolaSmiles - makes them tight as a duck's arse in my eyes and I can see what the OP feels a bit put out. Yes, its his choice entirely to do what he wants but for god sake if you cant enjoy yourself with a windfall then whats the point!! You're a long time dead.

woodchuck99 · 16/09/2019 15:48

He presumably already can spend money on enjoying himself if he earns twice as much as OP. Not really surprising that he is saving the windfall.

LolaSmiles · 16/09/2019 16:08

LolaSmiles - makes them tight as a duck's arse in my eyes and I can see what the OP feels a bit put out. Yes, its his choice entirely to do what he wants but for god sake if you cant enjoy yourself with a windfall then whats the point!!
So anyone who doesn't spend how you do is tight?

Not everyone wants to go spending. It's just a different but valid way to approach finances.

userxx · 16/09/2019 16:26

Tight and joyless. OP, is he miserable in other ways too?

Vilanelle · 16/09/2019 16:53

YABU

He has lost someone and inherited money for HIM to use as he pleases. Savings, that is for both of you in the long run. Being frivolous would result in it going down the pan.

He clearly knows you are shite with money given your credit card debt.

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank

Why does he have to surprise you? Why do you feel like you are owed something from this inheritance. Absolute CF

josiewosiee · 16/09/2019 17:01

Yanbu. You have been together 6 years and have a mortgage. I think he is tight. There is no way my DP would not share or treat me, and I would do the same if I had that amount of money.

fussychica · 16/09/2019 17:33

OP you should know, if you didn't already that this thread has been picked up by the Daily Fail online.

PooWillyBumBum · 16/09/2019 17:46

@berlinbabylon 20p interest on thousands of pounds?

You must be financially illiterate if you can’t think of any way to make good returns on £80k, like:

S&S ISAs invested with mutual funds
Pensions
Mortgages stuck on higher rates
Property

Moomin8 · 16/09/2019 17:49

YANBU - he's very selfish if you ask me. So what if it's his money? A kind person would want you to have some benefit @caraofthevelvetbluesea

All those saying 'it's his money' does that mean that if one partner earns more than the other they don't share when they have a mortgage together?

Moomin8 · 16/09/2019 17:50

I can't stand tight men and have ended relationships because of it.

Durgasarrow · 16/09/2019 18:31

WoodchuckI know that is American lawbut is it also British law? (in the US, only husband and wife can be joint owners, i.e; both parties own 100 percent of the property, as opposed to tenants in common, where each is a separate stakeholder.

woodchuck99 · 16/09/2019 21:14

WoodchuckI know that is American lawbut is it also British law? (in the US, only husband and wife can be joint owners, i.e; both parties own 100 percent of the property, as opposed to tenants in common, where each is a separate stakeholder.

In the UK you don't have to be married to be joint tenants but many unmarried people are tenants in common if they want to keep finances separate.

wuddenyalike2know · 17/09/2019 06:58

@Moomin8 agree. Tight men are the worst.

woodchuck99 · 17/09/2019 07:52

All those saying 'it's his money' does that mean that if one partner earns more than the other they don't share when they have a mortgage together?

If they are not married it depends on whether they see themselves as life partners and want to share. I know some people see themselves as equivalent to being married as soon as they live with someone but actually that isn't the case.

DoctorAllcome · 17/09/2019 09:06

“All those saying 'it's his money' does that mean that if one partner earns more than the other they don't share when they have a mortgage together?”

No, because joint earnings are different from an inheritance. When you have a partnership, generally you are sharing your joint income to acquire joint assets & live together. Whether this is from a business or an employer.

Inheritance is completely different. It is like an insurance pay out for injury or a car accident. That money goes to the individual who suffered the loss. A person should not expect to profit off the loss of their partner. So that money is theirs and theirs alone.

Moomin8 · 17/09/2019 09:34

No, because joint earnings are different from an inheritance.

See, this makes no sense to me whatsoever.

If you live together with someone as if you're married, you're a team. I don't see any place for selfishness and refusal to share a payout whatever the circumstances.

Moomin8 · 17/09/2019 09:37

I know some people see themselves as equivalent to being married as soon as they live with someone but actually that isn't the case

Well it should be. I wouldn't waste my time showing my commitment to someone by living with them and doing stuff for them if they were in it for number 1.

NotBeingRobbed · 17/09/2019 09:39

Having a relationship with someone is not a ticket to a free ride. This inheritance is no doubt left by a parent for the benefit of their son. Not for the partner of the moment to have a jolly!