Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

409 replies

caraofthevelvetbluesea · 15/09/2019 17:57

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so would be good to get views on this. For context, though not sure if this is even really relevant - partner and I have been together for 6 years, have a mortgage together and have spoken about marriage. He is not in any debt at all apart from the mortgage, and I’ve got about £5k in credit card debt. I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me, though we both work full time.

He has recently inherited £80k. I asked him what he would be doing with the money and he is putting all of it into a savings account or into stocks/shares. I absolutely didn’t expect him to just give me a wad of cash to go wild with as I understand it’s HIS money to do whatever with, but AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t want to spend any of it at all on any sort of shared experience that we could both enjoy? We don’t have a lot of money left to spend each month, especially me as I’m trying to pay my credit card debts off, and I wish he’d just say (for example), “we’re going to New York!!!”

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank.

I’ve said nothing as don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be honest, please can you honestly tell me what your expectations would be if this was you?

OP posts:
DobbyLovesSocks · 16/09/2019 13:26

@Iusedtobecarmen

So my relationship is less significant that someone who has been married to someone for 6 mths?!!
No it's not less significant - to you or the general population - but legally, yes it is. My BIL has been with his partner for 10 years but they are not married. She is leaving herself extremely vulnerable, epecially as they have DC

LolaSmiles · 16/09/2019 13:26

Iusedtobecarmen
You hit the nail on the head when you've said the OP and her partner aren't on the same page.
Like you, I couldn't be with someone who had such differing attitudes to money.

I disagee that the marriage comments are ridiculous though. Nobody is saying a long term relationship is worth less than someone married after a fortnight. They're pointing out that with a legal contract there's a different set of rules on assets and money. How people in marriages or relationships run their finances day to day is neither here nor there and is up to the couple. Two people married can share finaces and both agree on an approach to spending large sums of money, so can two people cohabiting. Two people can agree separate finances but believe in treats and their marital status doesn't come into it.

Some married couples have separate finances, the OP and her DP have separate finaces. The bottom line is that the rights and responsibilities surrounding assets are not the same in those situations precisely because of the differing legal status.

By choosing to cohabit, not get married and to keep their finances separate, the OP and her DP have made a choice to structure their relationship and finances in that way.

Iusedtobecarmen · 16/09/2019 13:27

Yes I know legally it's not the same. I'm not talking legally though.
A 6 year relationship and he doesn't ask her if there's something she would like or take her on holiday,pay her debts so they are both in a better position??
I think it's odd that so many think it's not your debt so tough shit,just struggle on when it's someone you love!!

0lga · 16/09/2019 13:27

Being someone's girlfriend/partner for 6 yrs is not some casual thing!she should be treated the same way as a a wife!

How can you think it’s morally or legally right to impose the contractual obligations of marriage on people who don’t want them and didn’t sign up to them ? How has the state got the right to do that ?

Iusedtobecarmen · 16/09/2019 13:29

lola
It sounds like the OP DP has made the decision. Sounds like it suits him that basically he can call the shots as he's in a better position financially. I'd be telling him stick the lot up his arse

Iusedtobecarmen · 16/09/2019 13:31

Olga
I'm not talking about contractual obligations!!
I'm saying that if you presumably love someone to commit to a long term relationship with someone and buy a house why wouldn't you want to share a huge sum of money so that you both benefit.

LolaSmiles · 16/09/2019 13:32

Except everyone else IS talking legally because that's the difference.

Anything else is down to how the COUPLE choose to manage their finances.

Based on this thread DH and I can't love each other because we don't buy each other treats and people who love each other treat each other. (It couldn't possibly be that two adults have an agreed and different approach to money).

To treat someone as a wife/husband doesn't exist: either they both enter the contract and have the legal tie or they don't.

Choosing to buy treats Vs not
Joint account Vs separate accounts Vs both types
Wanting to save Vs spend
Wanting to go on holiday to new York with your partner's inheritance Vs put it away for a rainy day
Spend it now Vs save for later
Expecting presents when acquiring a large amount of money Vs not

None of those have anything to do with marital status and have everything to do with how the couple choose to arrange their finances.

Someone who doesn't ask their wife what present they woukd like isn't treating their wife as a flatmate any more than someone who said to their partner "shall we go to Paris" is treating their partner like a wife.

woodchuck99 · 16/09/2019 13:33

6 yrs with someone and a joint mortgage and she s not a life partner?

Being with someone for six years or having a mortgage with someone doesn't automatically equal life partners if there are no children. It depends on how they both see it. I don't think I considered DH a life partner after six years and while we didn't have a mortgage I don't think it would have made a difference.

0lga · 16/09/2019 13:33

Ok I’ll try again.

Why should someone have to carry out the moral obligations ( treated the same was a wife ) if they have specifically chosen to live together without such obligations?

LolaSmiles · 16/09/2019 13:36

It sounds like the OP DP has made the decision. Sounds like it suits him that basically he can call the shots as he's in a better position financially. I'd be telling him stick the lot up his arse
I disgaree. In most cases, people are free to enter into relationships and maintain them and leave of their own accord. If the OP Is unhappy with the situation then she is free to leave and find someone she is on the same page as.
I say the same on threads where people who aren't married get annoyed at advice about protecting themselves financially before having children and sacrificing everything. If he isn't willing to marry you/put deeds on the house / is pushing you to give up work with no security then you have to decide if that's a gamble you take, but if you take that gamble don't complain later about not having the legal backing of marriages

Personally, I think the OP is better leaving and they are both better being in relationships where they're on the same page regarding finances.

Iusedtobecarmen · 16/09/2019 13:38

Why exactly are posters talking legally I wonder?!!
OP isn't asking what her rights are legally!!
Yeah legally she can't claim anything. But she is asking if her expectations are unreasonable in thinking her fella might like to share some of his massive amount of money with her, or at least help her be debt free.
Nothing legal . Just kindness from some tight wad who expects his gf to fork out the same as him even though she earns less. And as soon as he gets some cash he stashes it.

Ticklemeelmo · 16/09/2019 13:40

Your post sounds like you're expecting him to pay off your £5k credit card debt- it's his money to do what he wants with

ConfCall · 16/09/2019 13:41

If he was reluctant to marry you before, he’ll be even more cautious now. Sorry OP. It seems as if you want different things.

Iusedtobecarmen · 16/09/2019 13:43

Olga
I dont know.
Do people get married for security then?
We have chosen not to get married. But have made a lifelong commitment by having a house and children together.
I certainly don't feel any less secure. We are more or less on the same page with money. I cant imagine either of us would keep large sums of money to ourselves. We would look at hòw we could use it in the house or for holidays , the dc or even close relatives if they needed it

LolaSmiles · 16/09/2019 13:45

Because if you take away the legal contract then expectations within a relationship are between the couple.

They've chosen to have separate finances.
They've both had the option to combine and haven't
They could have married and haven't
They're on different pages with regards to money

In that situation is the expectations of your debt paid off, treats and a trip to New York reasonable when the person who has just inherited isnt spending any of it (not like he's on some big spending spree on himself) reasonable? No. It's not.

Some people may have combined finances and be on the same page financially and both feel a big trip is what they need. And that's also totally ok.

What's not ok are people deciding that couples who wouldn't take their partner/spouse on trips away, buy treats etc mustn't love their partners or see them as flatmates because buying things for your partner is a sign of love.

Ultimately, the OP has to decide if she wants to remain in a relationship when they have such differing views on finances.

berlinbabylon · 16/09/2019 13:49

do you have kids? Because a priority of mine is to help them and eventually leave money to them. Not just spend the lot on myself

Nobody is saying spend the lot. A trip somewhere nice for a few days (could be New York, could be a European city) would cost from about £1500 depending on where it is and whether you fly business etc. The OP's partner has £80K. There would be a great deal left over for a rainy day. But even if you think that is frivolous, paying off (part of) the mortgage isn't.

As for "leaving" kids something, I'd rather give them some money when they actually need it, rather than making them wait for it until I die. I can't see the point at all of sitting on money until you die. Give it to them now or when they need it eg for uni maintenance or house deposit or just to get them over their first month when they start their first proper job and have to wait to be paid.

Actually I've just remembered something else I bought with my inheritance - about £2000 worth of new furniture, too. None of the money was wasted, but it didn't just go into the bank to earn 20p a year interest.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/09/2019 13:49

If he was reluctant to marry you before, he’ll be even more cautious now

Sadly, you're probably right ... though TBF OP has since said she's not so convinced about marrying now as she "not sure if it's the right thing for her"

DieCryHate · 16/09/2019 13:51

After your latest posts YABU for expecting a treat but YWDNBU for expecting to split the joint household costs proportionately in line with your massive income disparity! If this has been the set up for some time, I wouldn't ask for any of the inheritance but use it to steer a conversation about how unfair it is that you both work full time and you are paying half yet earn half of what he has (never mind that he's also got plenty in the bank).

I think that's just cruel personally. I couldn't do that to someone I love, watch them struggle each month on half the income I have just to pay "half" so I have even more left over.

Ginger1982 · 16/09/2019 13:52

@Iusedtobecarmen I'm interested as to why you've chosen not to get married. Is it for religious reasons or you just don't like the idea?

woodchuck99 · 16/09/2019 13:52

Long term relationship and a house?Being married and no kids is irrelevant. It sounds like they have made a huge commitment. Or rather she has.

A mortgage isn't necessarily a "huge commitment" to each other. They might be tennants in common for example and their ownership completely separate.

Iusedtobecarmen · 16/09/2019 13:59

Woodchuck
I think in this case tgey aren't just tenants but boyfriend and girlfriend
ginger
I perhaps would have got married
Not adverse to it. Just didn't get around to it I guess.
Our house together and having children most important thing
Not massively fussed about spending money (Even a small amount) on a wedding. We have been together 25 yrs and lived together for most of that so lasted longer than most other couples.
Getting married wouldn't even cross my mind now.
We have been through various money situations over the years good and bad. And both supported each other.

Pikapikachooo · 16/09/2019 14:01

Ah
He sounds like a saver not a spender
So has made the dull but sensible decision.

If he otherwise nice I would not get too offended xx

userxx · 16/09/2019 14:08

If I'd just got 80K, I would treat my boyfriend to an amazing holiday somewhere exotic. He sounds tight.

LolaSmiles · 16/09/2019 14:12

user
That's great if that's what you would do.
Someone not doing that isn't wrong nor doe sit make them tight.

I might decide I would cover the mortgage for a year and spend a year travelling. I might decide to split it up between family. I might decide to give the whole lot to the donkey sanctuary. I might decide that I'd pay of all DH's hypothetical debt. I might save the whole lot.

None of that matters because someone else may choose differently and it's just as valid. Nobody would have any grounds to be entitled to anything and I'd have no time for anyone who decided my decisions were tight because it wasn't how they wanted it spending

Limensoda · 16/09/2019 14:13

I can see why you are 5k in debt.
I think he's being sensible. Just because you have inherit some money doesn't mean you have to rush to spend it.