To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

[caraofthevelvetbluesea]

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so would be good to get views on this. For context, though not sure if this is even really relevant - partner and I have been together for 6 years, have a mortgage together and have spoken about marriage. He is not in any debt at all apart from the mortgage, and I’ve got about £5k in credit card debt. I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me, though we both work full time.

He has recently inherited £80k. I asked him what he would be doing with the money and he is putting all of it into a savings account or into stocks/shares. I absolutely didn’t expect him to just give me a wad of cash to go wild with as I understand it’s HIS money to do whatever with, but AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t want to spend any of it at all on any sort of shared experience that we could both enjoy? We don’t have a lot of money left to spend each month, especially me as I’m trying to pay my credit card debts off, and I wish he’d just say (for example), “we’re going to New York!!!”

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank.

I’ve said nothing as don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be honest, please can you honestly tell me what your expectations would be if this was you?

Yes, even if married, it would still be his money because it’s an inheritance. Inheritance is not a joint asset or income

That depends on which legal jurisdiction you live and the timing of the inheritance.

Sorry,
I forgot for minute this is U.K. site and I am in US——
“Generally, inheritances are not subject to equitable distribution because, by law, inheritances are not considered marital property. Instead, inheritances are treated as separate property belonging to the person who received the inheritance, and therefore may not be divided between the parties in a divorce.”

But even so, I think morally & ethically an inheritance is not a joint asset.

Completely weird to think you'd only do this if you were married. People who love each other, treat each other. And I rather think that this is the OP's point - except her OH doesn't take that view. It's probably not coincidental that they have only "spoken about marriage". As a pp pointed out, with the 50/50 mortgage arrangement he still sees her as a flatmate with benefits - he's keeping his options open. Marriage is there for those who want to make that commitment, fortunately in this country there is also an option not to make such commitment while still sharing a house. Choose which set up you prefer - not making a judgement on anyone who picks one over the other - but don't pretend they are the same thing.

I'm not sure why people think it's fair that OP should pay less than half the mortgage when she's enjoying the full benefit of living in a house that she (and presumably her DP pre inheritance) couldn't afford on one salary alone. The OP chose to take on the mortgage; her debts are her own and I'd echo previous posters - her DP might need to process his bereavement AND what to do with a life changing amount of money because it's a big responsibility. It's not her money and she has no claim on it, married or not. Even if she was married, she'd have to get divorced to claim it as part of the marital assets.
One of the most important things that you can do in a relationship is to have the 'money and children' conversation. I suggest the OP starts there, but she might not get the answer she wants.

Choose which set up you prefer - not making a judgement on anyone who picks one over the other - but don't pretend they are the same thing.
I agree
And don't choose one only to complain you didn't get the perks of the other option (like the thread where someone wanted the inheritance benefits fo marriage whilst maintaining the ability to walks way with her assets if they split, or the threads where women choose to have children and come out of work for 5 years because they don't need a piece of paper to show their love only to complain on MN that they'd not have the same legal protection in the event of a split).

People can, and should, be free to structure their relationships and finances as they see fit. Both parties need to be on the same page or the relationship doesn't work.

It's his money. Even if you were married I would still say it's his as it was left to him as an inheritance not you. If it was intended for you, you would have received an inheritance too. Therefore how he chooses to share it, save it, spend it etc is totally down to him.
If he knows you have credit card debt and he hasn't bailed you out, is there a reason? Maybe he considers you spend thrift, especially if you spend the same amount but he earns twice what you do (I've assumed that means spending other than household bills). Maybe he wants to consider his options so is taking his time or perhaps he has other reasons for wanting to save and invest it. Who knows! We all manage these things differently. I might make suggestions or add to the conversation but ultimately it is down to him.
I agree it might be nice for him to treat you or clear your debt but he's under no obligation to and neither should you expect it. To do so would be very grabby indeed.

Two points. Without going into the legalities of property ownership, tHe mortgage is a joint debt so if the OP pays less against it each month she should be prepared to accept a proportionately reduced share of the equity. If the OP was male and the DP was female, or both were same sex would anyone's views on the fairness or otherwise of sharing the inheritance be different?

@waterrat

I've been paying it back through Step Change for a long time and I'm about a year away from it being gone. He was really angry when he found out about the debt and I promised him then that it would never impact upon him.

I'd never let him just pay it off, I'd obviously pay him back and the interest is frozen through my debt plan so it makes no difference.

tHe mortgage is a joint debt so if the OP pays less '
against it each month she should be prepared to accept a proportionately reduced share of the equity'.

Unless this has been agreed before hand and assuming they jointly own the property

Why on earth would Op get a lesser share?

Why on earth would Op get a lesser share?

If she is paying in less she should take out less. However, I think she said she is paying equally.

As for the inheritance, the law is pretty specific. It is left to the person named in the will. Even a wife wouldn’t have a claim. There are some pretty skewed ideas of property ownership here.

Also there are some strange notions of household finances that shore-up the gender pay gap. People say she should pay less as she earns less. Should she? Would you say the same about, say, splitting cinema tickets? There is a price per person that each person is expected to pay regardless of income.

Marriage would muddy the waters. But he hasn’t asked her to marry him, has he? Personally I don’t think marriage should be a ticket for one person to spend another’s money anyway.

If they were married I think there would be more of a chance he would put it to the mortgage and she would benefit long term. As not married, he'd be silly to do that.

Also there are some strange notions of household finances that shore-up the gender pay gap

Its nothing to do with the gender pay gap its about what is fair within a shared life. Why should the OP be struggling financially to subsidise the lifestyle of someone who earns double her salary? That is in effect what she is doing at the moment.

There are some pretty skewed ideas of property ownership here.

Again - it depends on where you live. Not alll jurisdictions manage this in the same way.

DH is never going to inherit anything but I may do depending on circumstances. It has never occurred to me that it would be "my" money, it is our money and will go straight in to the joint account for us to use for our retirement.
We may be odd but from the day we married we had totally joint finances and the only money we consider "me money" is birthday money we receive from family which we use on a treat for ourselves.

You've been together a few years but you are very young still and have no plans to get married but already have a mortgage but otherwise have separate finances. Is that right? If he was my child I'd encourage him to do exactly what he's done, put the money in savings. If he'd put it in the mortgage I'd suggest protecting it by becoming tenants in common rather than having a joint tenancy. I assume that is what you have at the moment? Conversely, if you're not on the mortgage you need to change that since you are paying into it, you don't want to be left with nothing if the relationship ends. Basically, forget about romance and think of marriage as a legal contract that sets out your rights and responsibilities. And don't even think about having kids and reducing your working hours unless you are married.

Anyway, his inheritance. Depending who left it to him he might find it hard to spend it immediately so putting it in savings is sensible while he processes his grief. But also, you are not married and have no say over it so don't be grumpy about it but do sort out the inequalities in your relationship, share the housework and discuss changing how you pay for shared costs, e.g. DH and I have put in different amounts of money into the joint account depending who earns what so we both have the same amount of playing money. But we have been married 20 years and have 3DC so the commitment is a bit greater than it was when we were 26. If your DP won't discuss housework and changing finances then maybe you need to decide if he's really the one because inevitably that will get worse as you become more tied to each other.

He is lucky he is financially comfortable, yes it's more of an up hill battle for you but don't let resentment kick in.
His family are comfortable probably cos they are very cautious with money. I am, have saved up a lot, could enjoy some if it but won't, why? I've seen how peoples finances can change for the worse very quickly and seen how debt can spiral, I find it terrifying.
I intend to ensure it last, if I die before it's all gone it will be passed on to kids etc, hopefully they will build on it take great security from it etc

MadMadMad
But crucially you and your DH are on the same page regarding finances, have chosen to share finances and have freely married with all the protection and responsibility that entails.

The fact you'd be putting your inheritance into a savings pot for the future is, according to some on this thread, a sign you don't love your DH because people who love each other buy treats for each other, they'd have a face on them if their DH/P came into money and didn't buy them something or take them on holiday.
Add to that the fact you're putting it for a rainy day and the future is apparently hoarding money according to some.
And inheritance is apparently designed to be spent because if you're not spending it then it's pointless saving and it may as well all have gone to the donkey sanctuary

You sound like you've got a similar outlook to me and DH, but I think most of that approach comes from the fact that yours and your DH's financial priorities and attitudes are aligned.

He sounds mean.
I'd take this opportunity to break up with him, to be honest.

I got an inheritance and it disappeared into joint finances. I was not impressed. Luckily I gave some to the children first

Haven't read the whole thread. I notice that he hasn't spent any money on a treat for himself, either. An unexpected chunk of money has come in, he's dealt with it the same way he would deal with any chunk of money, and got on with his life.

I would be the same. The idea that receiving money should trigger some sort of spending reflex is totally alien to me. I have some idea of what I consider reasonable spending in the overall context of my life, what I have coming in or in savings or investments has very little bearing on spending decisions.

I think there is a real difference in attitudes to money here.

Some people have always lived hand-to-mouth, never had a serious prospect of doing better, see money as something that just flows past them. Even when income becomes sufficient for there to be a gap between income and outgoings that could result in accumulation of capital, their habits are such that they just think, oh good, more spending, and nothing changes.

On the other hand, people who've made a conscious decision to accumulate will see every item of spending as something that delays them reaching their goal, for them there's always a good alternative to the spending tempting them now, they have to decide which they want more.

Martha I was speaking in very general terms without going into the legalities of property ownership . I agree, if the property is held on a joint tenacy then both OP and DP have an equal but as yet undefined interest in the equity and if as tenants in common, a defined interest. But the OP can't have it both ways; either she pays equally as a joint tenanat or agrees to the joint tnenacy being severed and accepts a lesser defined share as a tenant in common.

I have recently inherited 700K after the death of my parents. It is family money, end of. We have moved house and we are in the process of investing it using a wealth management firm.

However, we are married. I'm not sure if I'd feel differently if it was 'just' a partner - depends on whether you have kids, length of time together, how relationship is in general.

In your case I'd be speaking to him about it. Him keeping it for himself is an indicator of how he views your relationship in my opinion

OP, we need some clarification here, is your partner grief stricken because he has lost a loved one or was this inheritance from someone with whom he was not particularly close?

I'd say this thread shows very clearly why things often work best if a couple share a similar financial status ... or if they don't, that they can at least come to an arrangement which suits both

While it's perhaps a shame to have to think in mercenary terms, very few relationships come with a 100% guarantee and that "kindness" we all expect can have a way of changing if things go wrong

What's that old saying about "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" ...?

It’s his money to do what he wants with

It’s not hoarding to put money aside for a rainy day. People can be made redundant or become ill. Money is security. You are not married and this may not be a long-term relationship. So it isn’t yours. And marriage isn’t a one-way street. If you inherited or won the lottery or got a better job would you be prepared to share? Would you support him if he got into debt or bail him out? Because it rather seems like you would have already spent everything and wouldn’t have anything to fall back on. Holidays go pretty quickly and cost a lot. Savings take a lifetime to accumulate.