To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

[caraofthevelvetbluesea]

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so would be good to get views on this. For context, though not sure if this is even really relevant - partner and I have been together for 6 years, have a mortgage together and have spoken about marriage. He is not in any debt at all apart from the mortgage, and I’ve got about £5k in credit card debt. I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me, though we both work full time.

He has recently inherited £80k. I asked him what he would be doing with the money and he is putting all of it into a savings account or into stocks/shares. I absolutely didn’t expect him to just give me a wad of cash to go wild with as I understand it’s HIS money to do whatever with, but AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t want to spend any of it at all on any sort of shared experience that we could both enjoy? We don’t have a lot of money left to spend each month, especially me as I’m trying to pay my credit card debts off, and I wish he’d just say (for example), “we’re going to New York!!!”

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank.

I’ve said nothing as don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be honest, please can you honestly tell me what your expectations would be if this was you?

Having read more replies now, I think people are reacting without considering there are two separate issues here.

1. Should money be spent or saved.
2. Should money be retained or shared.

With regard to 1, I'm a saver, but there are clearly people on this thread with a "spending reflex" who think some should be spent, they're berating him for not spending on her when it hasn't even registered with them that for some people, spending is not an automatic reaction to income. They've not noticed he's not treating himself, either.

With regard to sharing, I don't think there should be ad hoc decisions when money comes in, for the avoidance of angst and conflict there should be agreed standing rules that govern this. And the standing rules in OP relationship is that they are completely financially independent, so even if they were both savers, I think it's fine that it's his savings it goes into.

I think the 50:50 division of expenses is fine for some circumstances, but both should ask themselves if they would stop living with the other person if they couldn't pay their share, and when the answer comes back no for both, that's the time to switch to something that copes better with discrepancies, such as making proportional contributions.

@Confusedbeetle but how did that happen if it was yours?

Why ??

I hoarded the money my mum left me when she died for 12 years......, dp didn't get any of it...,....it's benefitted him in the long term. I'm mid 40s. And the house we bought together is paid for. He now puts the money that used to go into our mortgage into his pension.

Mid 30s I meant. Dp is 42.......either ways. We've both benefitted from it now. And he wouldn't have dreamed of asking for any of it

@IdiotInDisguise I'm E&W I understand that's often true but I think there are some situations where it could be disregarded. It's not the same in Scotland for example. There, inheritances don't firm part of matrimonial property unless it's used for the benefit of both parties.

If I inherited money I would put most of it aside in the bank for rainy days. But I would treat myself and DH (maybe a dinner, a trip or buying some clothes) because I love him and nothing makes me happier than seeing him happy. DH is the same.
We've shared our finances since the day we started living together. I cannot be in a serious relationship where a future (including finances) is not planned as a couple/team. It wouldn't work for me.

OP yanbu
Your dp sounds weird and tight!!
You have been together 6yrs. Being married Is irrelevant as you have a house together so are clearly committed

I've been with my dp 20plus yrs, not married ,but every bit as committed as a married couple. In fact,we have been together a lot longer than most people I know who have been married.

That's another story.
Anyway,an inheritance apart from the obvious upset at having lost someone,is a bonus. Money you havent worked for. Extra money.
To save the whole 80k and not want to do something is odd to me.
I'm not a saver though. I want to enjoy my life now. Not bloody invest it to leave to someone else!!
Imo if he's too tight to buy himself anything or has no interest, then at the least he should pay off your debts and treat you +++. Certainly take you away to somewhere you would like to go.
He could still save 70k
Still bizarre to me. I'd expect my dP to share it with me and I would share money with him too.

It's a bit like lottery winners who say it won't change their life. What s the point in having bloody big lumps of money to store up. Some people are so boring. You could drop dead tomorrow and money would then go to someone else enjoy yourselves i say!

@Iusedtobecarmen do you have kids? Because a priority of mine is to help them and eventually leave money to them. Not just spend the lot on myself!

When it’s spent it’s spent. That’s the point. Many consumer goods become worthless the moment you spend them. What about when you suddenly lose your income? You will need that money then.

robbed yes we have kids. I also don't belive saving money to leave to them either. Obviously any money/the house will go to them when we die. We would help them while we are alive too if we could or they need it when they are older.
But we are not saving money to help adult children!!
We made our lives. My mother helped when she could but didnt.have assets.
We are in a better position but I really do not agree with saving money specifically to help your dc and missing out on stuff while we are all together.

robbed
Presumably the op wasn't expecting this cash. Most people surely do not have a random 80k saved in case you lose your job??

I’ve had a couple of small inheritances. In each case I bought something “big” (a sewing machine and kitchen aid) to use and remember them, some into savings and some off the mortgage. The first time I also paid for a holiday to California.
DH probably ended up paying just as much for the holiday as me as he picked up most of the day to day expenses when we were away. The mortgage money has benefited him though...

YABU. Youatebt married. Your credit card bills are your business. I

Imo if he's too tight to buy himself anything or has no interest, then at the least he should pay off your debts and treat you +++. Certainly take you away to somewhere you would like to go
Yes, if someone doesn't wish to spend their inheritance they should totally go and spend it on treats for someone else and buy them things and take them on holiday.

It's clear that you are in favour of spending rather than saving and that's ok. We all manage money and finances differently. The problem is deciding that because you would choose to spend money that anyone who doesn't is not only tight but should still go spending on someone else.

You're not married so you've got no right to expect so to speak. Especially not to pay off your credit card. It's not a joint card. It's yours.

That being said, it's really, really odd that you've not received a token gesture of something, seeing as this isn't a 6mth "we're just dating" scenario. But that also greatly depends on the following....

There is real significance in his decision based on who/how the inheritance came about. If my mum passed away unexpectedly and I got an inheritance, I'd be so distraught that I wouldn't even be thinking about what I need to spend on. If a distant/estranged great aunt died and surprised me with a lump sum, I'd see it much more as a windfall to enjoy and subject to the amount, treat myself and those I loved, married or not.

It seems odd that you expect him to give you anything considering that you are in debt and he hasn't helped you on that. You aren't married and you don't have children so there is no reason why he should share finances at this stage. It doesn't mean that he won't share in the future but he doesn't see you as a life partner yet.

@RubbingHimSourly

I hoarded the money my mum left me when she died for 12 years......, dp didn't get any of it...,....it's benefitted him in the long term. I'm mid 40s. And the house we bought together is paid for. He now puts the money that used to go into our mortgage into his pension

If he’s actually your partner and not your husband then this is a bad move . Your mum’s inheritance will effectively go straight to him if you split up. Because he gets half the house but you get none of his pension.

To be fair, you should take that extra money each month and put half into each of your pensions.

It's not that you have any right to his money you don't, it's more the way that he doesn't want to 'share the love' he wants to bask in his good fortune, he has the enjoyment satisfaction and sense of security that comes from having a big lump sum in his bank account...no one is disputing that it is his money and you have no entitlement to it, the problem is that he doesn't want you to have any feeling of good fortune or good luck not even a token gesture.
He wants to keep you down there in the poor relation position.

I think me and my DH must be in the minority with how we share our finances. We have been together 17 years and as soon as we were engaged we opened a joint account to start saving for a home together. I was at uni at the time so only DH's wages and whatever I could save went it to it. When I dropped out of uni and got a job both our wages were paid into it. We have been married 14 years now and both our wages go in the joint account. Once we have worked out how much we need for bills what ever is left is divided between our various accounts (housekeeping, savings, personal spends etc). Any money that comes in whether it comes to him or me is seen as 'ours'. Any large sums are discussed about how best to spend/save but we both decide. DH won £30 recently and first thing he did was ask me what it should be spent on - I replied that I needed petrol and we went and filled my car up. no hesitation, no 'But I won it' from DH.
What's his is mine and what's mine is his. And If I received a large inheritance tomorrow the first thing I'd do is repay as much of our debts as possible (credit cards/mortgage etc), not just mine but DH's as well and then treat him however I could because he is my partner and I love him. And I know he feels/thinks exactly the same

I voted YABU but I don’t mean it harshly. You shouldn’t expect him to share it, but I too would be disappointed at him not planning or offering one joint treat or special purchase. I know I would treat my DH in the same situation. In fact I am due a decent, perhaps similar sum from a different source in a year or so. I’ve already been thinking about using 10k to take DH to an expensive long haul destination that he has dreamed of since being a little boy, for the trip of a lifetime.

Before DH and I were married I earned more than him so I paid more in bills.

After we got married my health deteriorated and DH covered everything while I set up my business.

After we were married for 7 years my mum died. My whole inheritance went into a house (roughly 50%). I’m now a SAHM to our disabled twins, working very very part time. I contribute what I can, DH covers the rest.

I can’t imagine living in a situation where DH earns twice what I do but contributes the same and has excess cash while I have debt, even before we were married. You’re wasting so much on interest. At the very least he should pay it off and you put the same amount into his savings every month.

lola
Yes I'm in favour of spending not saving. Though if I had 80k come my way I wouldnt blow the lot. It seems like op partner is a definite storer-upper . Thats fine,but it seems like the OP isn't on the same page.
I couldn't be with someone who had such different views to money.
The marriage comments are ridiculous. Being someone's girlfriend/partner for 6 yrs is not some casual thing!she should be treated the same way as a a wife!
Like I said,I've been with my dP for well over 20 yrs. So my relationship is less significant that someone who has been married to someone for 6 mths?!!

woodchuck
Crazy comments.
6 yrs with someone and a joint mortgage and she s not a life partner?
What is she then?a business partner
Long term relationship and a house?Being married and no kids is irrelevant. It sounds like they have made a huge commitment. Or rather she has.
And 5k debt is hardly the worst thing in the world. He could pay that off for the person he loves. And still have a huge sum of money left.

Being someone's girlfriend/partner for 6 yrs is not some casual thing!she should be treated the same way as a a wife!

But legally she is not in the same position and would not be treated the same financially if they split. He’s managing to hoard cash and avoid debt because he’s spending a smaller proportion of his wages than she is and if they split he would come off much better than her.