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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have to split our Christmas into 4 because of our family situation?

318 replies

Nomoremilk · 15/09/2019 14:28

It may be early but our mums arrange Christmas in September, sigh.
In our house we have 3 DC under 4, and me and my husband.
Both our parents divorced and aren't very friendly, all have partners.
Basically, our Christmas Day since we have had children has to be split into 4 so everyone can see the kids. We've tried having a day on our own and we were called selfish. We don't want them all here together because even if they agreed to be friendly there would be an atmosphere for sure.
My mum has invited us to go to her house this year, but mil has been protesting that we will need to fit them in at some point.
Aibu to just sod it and go to one house? It's so much arsing getting 3 toddlers in and out of the car, they want to play and we don't get to relax. I don't see why we should stay at our house either and be hosts to 4 lots. I just want to go to someone's house and have dinner and relax.
Im definitely happy to see people christmas eve and boxing day and break it up a bit that way but apparently it just HAS to be Christmas day.
Before we had kids nobody cared!

OP posts:
Parkrunner25 · 15/09/2019 19:37

Stay home. If you feel like you HAVE to invite people to join you (BTW, you don't), invite your mum and his dad for morning drinks, and your dad and his mum for after dinner drinks.

Confrontayshunme · 15/09/2019 19:43

I feel part of the problem in the UK os the sit-down "family" Christmas roast dinner. I grew up in a large extended family, and we just had a buffet with some hot foods so people came in and out of gran's house during the day. Everyone had a family morning together and opened presents as they arrived. It was a lovely atmosphere with little stress, but my IL's must all open presents together and then sit down all together for a meal that isn't done by bed time. I go along with it but find it stressful, and we literally only have one option of house to go to.

Jimdandy · 15/09/2019 19:43

Why do you have to split it into 4? Can’t you “pair up” sets of in laws? Like invite both your Dads and new partners at the same time/morning and then the Mums and new partners at the same time?

BumbleBeee69 · 15/09/2019 19:52

Tell them ALL to piss off, you have your own children to think about FFS. you need to stop this pleasing everyone but your own children.. jesus christ what am I reading on here Hmm

MoreCuddlesForMummy · 15/09/2019 19:52

Fuck. That. Shit!

We’re seeing my dad the week before Christmas with my step brothers kids/DDs cousins. We’ll probably see my in laws on Xmas day as it really is their “turn”. My mum lives locally and we’ll see them before or after or both.

Never in a million years would I bow to any sort of pressure to visit 4 houses on Christmas Day with my ONE toddler let alone what you’re expected to do. They are all very bloody selfish and you need to tell them that!

Sorry. I don’t often get too riled but bloody hell. Even if it was two houses to go to it completely ruins your day. When do you find time to cook dinner? When do you open your own presents??! Even if you all live around the corner from each other it gives you such little time to enjoy the day for what it is 😔

Unknownanon · 15/09/2019 20:27

Your poor kids, this is so unfair for you all. Honestly if they react like that, manipulative and blackmailing, I'd refuse to see any of them for the whole fucking 12 days of Christmas.

Do your own thing, be ready for the manipulating and call them on it. "This is really manipulative of you and frankly makes us want to spend as little time with you as possible. We are putting our family, our kids first."

If you compromise at all get them to yours, 1 xmas eve morn, 1 xmas eve afternoon and same for boxing day.

adreamofspring · 15/09/2019 20:27

Good luck OP. Sounds like you are resolved to stand up to all the manipulation this year. Good for you. You’ve had loads of great advice here and have the full support of mumsnet to see you through future emotional blackmail laden responses from GPs.

Start making some lovely traditions at home for your brood. If you are at the centre of all this madness you and DH need to invest in yourselves. Please know that you are actually the ones who have the power and have the only say in what’s best for you and your kids.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 16/09/2019 07:18

Or bugger christmas all together ,,get on a plane christmas eve and disappear with the kids for a week....christmas day on a beach paddling in the sea what could be nicer?

madcatladyforever · 16/09/2019 07:22

With four young children I'd be saying sod you all were staying at home. No way would I be dragging 4 children about at Xmas.
Tell them you are staying at home and they can all visit when they want.
It would be much nicer for the children too.

Greaterthanthesumoftheparts · 16/09/2019 07:24

We also both have divorced parents who live in 4 different countries and we live in a 5th. We do as suggested above and paid them up, also, we do a big pre-Christmas weekend, which we run just like Christmas (tree, turkey, presents, Christmas markets etc.) at the beginning of December for our Mums and Partners, this leaves them free to celebrate Christmas elsewhere/with other siblings etc. Then our dads come for actual Christmas, where we do the whole thing again! Our kids love having two christmases, all our parents are happy and we are knackered and skint but also have a great time!

DrWAnker · 16/09/2019 07:32

I think they are being selfish by thrusting their requirements onto you.
Don't feel guilty. Christmas is a season not just a day, fit in visiting when and how it suits you.
Btw, we went away last year to avoid family drama and I thought I'd hate it but it was amazing and the kids had a ball!

Sunnyjac · 16/09/2019 07:38

Tell them what you want, stick to it. You can choose Smile

burnttoastandjam · 16/09/2019 07:44

No, no, no, no, no.

I firmly told all of the grandparents that the have had their turn, now it is yours.

Think about it. You only get a handful of Christmas' when the kids believe (and are not terrified) in Santa Claus. The magic and the awe can be genuinely amazing. There is no way in earth I would miss that.

Christmas Eve is for prep (veg, wrapping presents, carrot for Rudolph etc).

Christmas Day is yours.

Boxing Day is for extended family, and even then, they can come to you because you are not dragging the kids away from their new presents.

And if they can't all get along like grown ups and put a seasonal smile on their faces, then they aren't welcome.

You have to be firm, and you might meet resistance but once the lines are firmly drawn, they will accept it.

madcatladyforever · 16/09/2019 07:51

I think Xmas is bloody awful. I haven't "celebrated" it in many years and people know better than to ask. It's a massive waste of resources and a logistical nightmare. I make a fuss of people on their birthdays instead.

Cornishclio · 16/09/2019 07:55

When our DC were small we alternated between my mum and dads and my MILs, thankfully no exes and new partners to contend with and then we said we were staying at home. Now we are grandparents ourselves our DD tends to host every year and we go one year on Xmas day and her PIL go the following day and then they come to us Boxing Day or Xmas Eve. Christmas is not for bickering and fighting as to which day everyone sees the children. That sounds awful.

The thing is it sounds like your current arrangements are exhausting for you and the kids and hosting 4 sets of grandparents sounds a nightmare so you do need to be firm. If you have small children Christmas is probably already fraught and it sounds like you want to take up your mums offer of cooking Christmas dinner for you. It also gives you a chance to sit and play with your children and relax a bit so if that is what you want to do then do that and tell MIL that you will come to hers Xmas eve or Boxing Day and have one of the days at home. If the dad and FIL don't offer to host then fit them in wherever, they probably don't care as much.

pikapikachu · 16/09/2019 07:59

No way would I inflict this on my kids-really unfair that they can't stay home and play with their stuff because of adults who should know better.

Personally I'd visit on 2 parents on Eve and 2 on Boxing Day and develop a thicker skin about being manipulated with tears. Your kids are losing out with this batshit arrangement

crumpet · 16/09/2019 07:59

Stay at home. Have 2 groups that don’t fight over for Xmas morning/brunch, present opening, Buck’s Fizz etc, then the next batch over for a very late lunch, into the evening. Then swap them over the following year.

crumpet · 16/09/2019 07:59

That assumes that you do want to spend fine with them all on Xmas day...

ShatnersWig · 16/09/2019 08:01

IntoTheHoods so if Christmas is for kids really as you put it, should those of us without children not have Christmas?

Drogosnextwife · 16/09/2019 08:01

Same here OP. Have always had to spend the whole day going round dps family visiting, then going to my parents for dinner at around 5. This year my parents are separated and are already guilt tripping about where we go. My mum is living with us and has no plans to leave so I have no idea how we will work this.

Aaarrgghhh · 16/09/2019 11:16

Fuck em, stay at home. I don’t bother with going round to anyone but that might be because both me and my partner don’t get on with our parents we don’t talk to any of them and it’s so much easier to just have Christmas at home. If they are too petty to have one host one year and the others the next or do a Boxing Day visit as well and alternate who it is each year then I wouldn’t bother visiting them at all. Clearly it’s not about seeing the kids it’s about themselves. Kids want to play on Christmas Day not be dragged between petty grown ups.

jellycatspyjamas · 16/09/2019 11:22

Fuck that shit. I have Christmas in my own home, I refuse to drag my children round relatives who all want to feed them sugar and wind them up.

We have Christmas at home, anyone who wants to pop in is very welcome to but they need to behave nicely with anyone else who happens to be here. We have dinner on our own - it may be in our pyjamas on our laps if that’s what we fancy. If our respective families don’t like it I really couldn’t care less, I make time to see everyone over the Christmas and new year holidays but Christmas Day is spent as a family.

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 16/09/2019 11:37

Their Christmas is not more important than yours and your dcs. I'd be staying at home, and I do. I have 4dcs and after the 3rd DC was born we drew the line at driving here there and everywhere over Christmas.

Benefitofthedoubt · 16/09/2019 11:39

They called you selfish for staying at home with your children?

That would be enough for me to say Christmas Day was no longer up for grabs.

My mother went behind my back one year and told my boyfriend we were going to hers for Christmas. She was alone because everyone else had shunned her because she was not a nice person. My elder sister and her own sister looked after her (lived near) but would not have her in their houses at Christmas as she invariable caused trouble.

Anyway I went that one year as boyfriend felt bad he hadn’t said we weren’t going when talking to my M, and she caused trouble. I said never ever again and I never did. It’s not hard. I said the same with the in-laws. When I had children, I kept to it.

Just say NO.

Densol999 · 16/09/2019 17:51

Id get your mum and his mum ( and partners on one day )
And his dad/ your dad and partners another day so neither are in the company of ex's

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