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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have to split our Christmas into 4 because of our family situation?

318 replies

Nomoremilk · 15/09/2019 14:28

It may be early but our mums arrange Christmas in September, sigh.
In our house we have 3 DC under 4, and me and my husband.
Both our parents divorced and aren't very friendly, all have partners.
Basically, our Christmas Day since we have had children has to be split into 4 so everyone can see the kids. We've tried having a day on our own and we were called selfish. We don't want them all here together because even if they agreed to be friendly there would be an atmosphere for sure.
My mum has invited us to go to her house this year, but mil has been protesting that we will need to fit them in at some point.
Aibu to just sod it and go to one house? It's so much arsing getting 3 toddlers in and out of the car, they want to play and we don't get to relax. I don't see why we should stay at our house either and be hosts to 4 lots. I just want to go to someone's house and have dinner and relax.
Im definitely happy to see people christmas eve and boxing day and break it up a bit that way but apparently it just HAS to be Christmas day.
Before we had kids nobody cared!

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 15/09/2019 14:39

They’re emotionally blackmailing you. You need to put your kids and yourselves first for a change. This does not sound fair on any of you. It’s just one day. The world will not end if they see you on Boxing Day instead.

toomuchtooold · 15/09/2019 14:39

I suppose it ruins Christmas a bit when I keep hearing about how I'm spoiling it for them and they wish they could see the kids and mil crying

Is this on Christmas day, as in you phone them to wish them a happy Christmas and she cries? FFS.

Zofloramummy · 15/09/2019 14:39

At the end of the day Xmas is for the kids, and kids want to be at home. That isn’t selfish that’s reality. Tell them now they can schedule in an hour slot each to visit you and then enjoy the rest of your day with your kids and DH. They are being the idiots and treating it like a power game.

Pringlesfortea · 15/09/2019 14:40

I had 3 under 3
Christmas Day was always at home..visitors had the whole of dec to visit us .

pumkinspicetime · 15/09/2019 14:40

Explain your dc are having Xmas day in their own house for once. Split the families up and see them around the Xmas period, maybe Xmas eve, Boxing Day.
Be firm and clear and arrange a day around your dc.

StealthPussy · 15/09/2019 14:40

Sod that! Stay at home and don’t invite anyone. We did that last 2 years. It’s great. No fakery. Only as much cooking as we can be bothered with. Relaxing and stress free. Couldn’t care less what anyone else thinks.

mbosnz · 15/09/2019 14:40

They are being unreasonable, selfish, and immaturely manipulative with the waterworks and emotional blackmail.

Time to lay down some ground rules.

With our family when we were in the same country, before we had kids we did year and year about.

When everything went tits up with DH's family, we ceased going up there for Christmas. After one Christmas drama too many with my family, we gave up going there.

We then said, we're staying home for Christmas, any and all are welcome, but if you come, you come knowing you're expected to pitch in and help, and to be pleasant and pleasant company to anybody else that is there. Anyone who can't deal with that can rest assured we won't be at theirs for Christmas anytime soon, and they won't be welcome back for Christmas in the near future either.

Worked really rather well. Smile

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 15/09/2019 14:41

Stay at home. They’re all being ridiculous and childishly possessive over you. Put an end to it now OP.

Tell them you are staying at home, they are all welcome to visit, no hostility is welcome or will be tolerated between visitors and if they feel they can’t be civil to anyone in your home they should stay away. Their choice- be adult and see their grandchildren or sit at home and sulk.

Fatted · 15/09/2019 14:41

Stay at home!!

We used to split it into two. Then I was getting sick of that so have been alternating since 4YO DS was born. After dealing with 2 hyperactive kids of my own and a house full at my mum's last year, I vowed to never leave the house on Christmas day ever again!!

My parents are fine with it. They did the same thing when we were kids. In laws no doubt complain about it behind our backs or DH filters it from me. I don't care. I've had bloody 18 years of going to their house without them ever bothering to come to us once.

SeaToSki · 15/09/2019 14:41

Stay at home. Stay at home. Stay at home

You can wear your pjs all day if you want. You can have Chinese takeaway if you want. The dc can open their presents in front of their very own Christmas tree and (shock horror) play with them right away

Tell all wailing GPs that you are sorry but you are putting the dc first this year. End Of.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/09/2019 14:42

I suppose it ruins Christmas a bit when I keep hearing about how I'm spoiling it for them and they wish they could see the kids and mil crying

Only if you let it; once you put your foot down and they see their manipilation doesn't work any more, the whining and crying will almost certainly stop - after all, it's not as if they won't see you at all over Christmas

Having a family of your own is the ideal time to start new traditions; I'm sure they did the same and now it's your turn

zebra22 · 15/09/2019 14:42

You need to be firm, they will get over it

Give them the option of days either side of Christmas to visit

mankyfourthtoe · 15/09/2019 14:43

I'd message
You're all absolutely right Christmas should be all about the children and we've been putting the adults feelings before the children's wants for years. So this year, you are welcome at 11am or 2pm to see the children, please be aware other adults will be here so be on your best festive behaviour.
Please let me know your plans.

user1472709746 · 15/09/2019 14:44

It's unreasonable of them all to expect to see you on Christmas Day every year. Everyone I know does alternate years or stays at home. No one travels between 4 different houses in one day!

KatnissMellark · 15/09/2019 14:44

Sod that. Stay at home.

CloudyVanilla · 15/09/2019 14:44

Have your own Christmas Day.

You have 3 small children, the young should be enjoying the day and not being shoved from pillar to post. If people so desperately want to see your DC on Christmas Day then they can make the journey to your house.

Better yet do what we do - visit people on Xmas eve/Boxing day. We visit no one on Christmas Day, that is our special day that we plan for, I don’t care if it’s selfish!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 15/09/2019 14:45

mankyfourthtoe nailed it.

redcupbluecup · 15/09/2019 14:45

I'd chose 2 options (the 3rd option being to tell them all to grow the fuck up and stop making it about them).

1- Stay at home. Have one of your parents and one of your OHs to call over before dinner. Then the other two after dinner. I'm assuming the conflict isn't between eachother and you'll break it down to 2 visits and the exs dont have to come into contact. You could also do this Christmas eve or boxing day if you dont want the hassle christmas day.

  1. One to come Christmas eve morning, one christmas eve afternoon, your mothers christmas day for dinner and the remaining parent in the eve when you're home.

Personally I wouldn't be backing down to this shit. You have 3 little kids. They have very few christmases as young children. Make the day about them and not bending over backwards to play stupid games with grand parents who have their own interest at heart and not their grand children.

Sewbean · 15/09/2019 14:45

Sorry, folks, we do too much travelling about to keep you lot happy and it's exhausting us. This year we are staying home by ourselves

Perfect answer.

You could always swap 'by ourselves' for some sort of time slot where each group can drop in if you're feeling generous.

Crockof · 15/09/2019 14:45

Another that says NBU!
We have similar problems, always have xmas day at home alone, then each parent gets a nominated day. We go and have another Christmas, bloody sick of crackers and turkey by the fourth house but kids think it's amazing. It's just a day, I've told the family that's how it it.

Greenkit · 15/09/2019 14:45

Both my partner and I have recently split from our respective husband/wife and between us have 6 grown up children and 8 grandchildren.

We will be having Christmas day on our own and then host a boxing day open day from 10am till 6pm, with buffet, where the children and grandchildren can come in and out when they want.

Would something like that help?

HelpIcantfindaname · 15/09/2019 14:46

I would stay at home for the day if I was you & see the others on Xmas Eve & Boxing Day. Presumably the grandparents are not there when the DC open pressies from Santa first thing, & they can see their smiles when they give their presents when they do see them.
After years of running myself ragged trying to fit everyone in I'm being more selfish. I no longer see all of my adult DC & DGC on Xmas day ...since my ex left I am lucky enough to have DD10 for Xmas day & she goes to his Boxing day, so I focus Xmas day on her. Xmas Eve I see my grown up DC. Xmas day my elderly parents, my DS30 my partner & his DS come for lunch. And ny DP helps with lots of cooking so I'm not stuck on the kitchen all day.

FenellaVelour · 15/09/2019 14:47

It’s not about them.

Why should your kids be pulled from pillar to post when they’re just going to want to stay at home and play with their presents?

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 15/09/2019 14:48

Basically, our Christmas Day since we have had children has to be split into 4 so everyone can see the kids. We've tried having a day on our own and we were called selfish.

You forgot the next step, which is to shrug and say that of course you will be putting the needs of your young children first on Christmas day. It's a magical day for children not bitterly divorced grandparents grown adults.

mumonthehill · 15/09/2019 14:48

Please do not become me, 17 years of packing up a car and spending Christmas away from home with DC. Last year finally put foot down, dcs said it was their favourite Christmas ever!!

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